When you have a child that excels & another that doesn't....

[LisaR]

I am watching two different families going through two very similar situations. One of my friends is really struggling with the "right decision." Seeing the post about switching schools for a better sports team made me think of the two families I know.

Both have one child in their family that excels at something that requires a great deal of time commitment. One family has another child and the other family has two other children. The time, energy and money they dedicate to the child that excels amazes me. The younger kids have to come along for the ride and hear the praise that is always heaped upon the older kid. I watch the younger kids and I wonder how they must feel always playing second fiddle.

Honestly, I am not judging. I don't have a clue what I would do in their situation. I have two normal kids that don't excel at anything. They are great kids but they just don't have activities that require huge time commitments, travel, etc.

If you have one child that excels and requires a great deal of your time, how do your other children feel? How do you balance it so the other kids don't feel neglected or "not as special" as one of the kids put it the other day? I have heard actors talk about one of their parents moving to Hollywood or NY for them when they were little so they could pursue acting; leaving the rest of the family behind. Usually the parents ended up divorced. One of my friends seems to be considering a move that would totally uproot their family because of their one child. Would you ever take it to that level?

 

[cheermom1]

I have one child that has an activity that requires a lot of money and time ..one that doesn't so this is what I do - the one that doesn't much I have presented him with options and he can choose to take them or not ...he has chosen a few and has really done well with those even got an award from the city ....but no I would not uproot my family for an activity not fair...

 

[clovergirl5]

In our situation dd13 does play travel sb and 8th grade volleyball. dd9 is now playing travel sb, rec volleyball, rocket fb cheer. ds8 plays youth baseball and rocket football and dd6 will start sb this summer and also cheers for rocket fb. They also have been through 3 summers of swimming lessons. Staggered from each other due to their ages. Lol, we have been to swimlessons every summer since 2001. That school is making mula$ off of our family for rec sports and swimming lessons!
The kids have always been involved in some kind of sports or another and the little ones have always been with me to go to the older dc practices or games. We haven't had any issues with feeling neglect, at least none that I have seen. They all do stuff all the time so, I think they are pretty content. It does get hairy when everyone has to be somewhere at once.
They all get recognition and thumbs up from dh and I. My younger girls want to be like their big sister. dd9 is already starting in her footsteps

I guess its always how our family has been so as they grow, they just swing with things. They are on the younger side right now, who knows if things will change in the next few years.

 

[golfgal]

Our oldest doesn't excel in anything--well he could if he tried. He was a very talent musician but stopped playing. We spent a lot of time with him helping with practices, running to lessons, etc. He also was in some sports at the time so the other two got dragged along. Now the other two are involved in a lot of things and DD excels in golf so we spend a lot of time as a family golfing, DD plays in a lot of summer golf tournaments, etc. DS14 does as well, but not as many and he isn't as dedicated to the game. They are both in marching band and we spend a lot of time doing that. Basically, when it was their turn, it was their turn. We are now spending a lot of time getting DS17 ready for college.

Basically, you give each kid what they need. In these families there will be something their other kids do that will require their time and effort--maybe not to the same extent but still.

 

[RunDanceSkate]

I guess this applies to us. DS15 is a competitive ice dancer. We get up at 4:30 6 days a week so he can be at the rink at 6am. DD13 is responsible for getting herself up and off to school. DS15 takes 3 buses to get to school after practice, I am at work or school.
Several evenings he is at the rink and at his personal trainers. DD get picked up by car pool those days to get to her sport/activites. Others she comes with us and waits through 3 hrs of his practice before going to her own dance class.
We moved cities for DS's sport. DD loves living in this new city.

Having said that my DD has sports and activities that she loves and one day she may compete at a high level too. Her sports just require less time. She is on two synchro ice skating teams, and attends Irish dance class 3/4 times per week. She would just rather spend the rest of her time, with friends, skating or on facebook. They just have different goals and desires.

DS only attends school half time. DD gets there early to hang out.
DS is no longer on any school team. DD is on several, like the high school dance team.
DS sees his friends at the rink. DD hangs out at the mall/houses/movie theatre.
DS eats 5000 calories a day, eats health food and protein shakes. DD ate 3 brownies since dinner.
DS wish list for new clothes consists of new workout shirts and pants. DD wants everything trendy at the mall.
We spend a tonne on DS's sports. We spend a tonne on DD's stuff.
DS went to bed an hour ago. DD will be up until at least 10pm watching TV

Different but equal. The 2 of them get along great. But neither ever watches the other compete and we don't make them.

 

[amyup]

We know a family with 3 boys who we always wonder about. The boy who is "great at everything" is a twin to a brother who is great at nothing. The amount of time/money spent on this one brother is amazing to me. I feel sorry for the other 2 being dragged to the games every weekend. I can only imagine how bad it will be when he's older.

I must add I'm a mom of 3 boys who are not very good in sports so I might not "get" the need for a 7 year old to be in year round traveling soccer.

 

[mumom95]

We are very much a family type family. We like to do things together on the weekends and just enjoy spending time together. We decided when our kids were very little that we weren't going to get involved in activities that had the whole families life centered around one child.

Both my kids play a sport every season and do scouts, but they are just your recreational type sports. Luckily neither one of my children is exceptionally gifted in athletics, so we've never had to make the choice.

Parents have to be careful though. Hurt feelings when it comes to siblings can last a lifetime.

 

[LisaR]

In the families I am referencing, the younger kids are too young to stay home by themselves so they have to go to every practice, game, audition, etc. I would venture to guess it will get much easier on the younger ones when they can stay home by themselves.

I guess the thing I find strange about it is that both families constantly complain about how busy they are and how much time they dedicate but they continue to do it. They feel it is something they have to do for their kid and they don't seem to see any other options. Again, I have never had to deal with this so maybe there aren't any other options.

 

[turkeymama]

DD9 excels in softball. We will probably start travel ball next year. She excels in everything she does actually, but I have limits on what she can do. I'm only person and I can stretch myself so thin. If she had it her way, we would be doing soccer, dance, gymnastics, martial arts, softball, and football (if she could find a boys team that would willingly take her, lol.)

DS5 is not motivated to do anything. He is high-functioning autistic, poorly coordinated, very low muscle tone, well, you see where this is going. We tried to make him play soccer, because "boys are supposed to play sports". Ha! His strategy in soccer is to stay as far away from the ball as possible. This way, none of the other kids get in his personal zone of space and they won't touch him. He can't stand to be touched. But he liked running and he was especially captivated by the flags that marked the boundaries of the field. We probably won't push him to do sports again anytime soon. It would be entirely different if he showed any desire to do anything. We offer, we show him what he'll be

He tags along for all her activities, but he never complains. He probably never will. Its not in his nature to complain, especially about her. He gets so much attention in every other aspect of our lives that DD ends up jealous of him. I don't see that we would consider uprooting all or part of our family for one of her activities. Dancing would be the only one of her activities that I could see that even being an option. I can see us spending quite a bit of time and money traveling for her sporting activities though. She is good at what she does and she deserves a chance to improve her skills.

 

[shelly3girls]

DD10 excels at two sports that require a major commitment both financially and time. DD8 does not excel but enjoys many things. Just b/c she doesn't excel does not mean that we do not spend the same amount of time with the activities she enjoys. Part of the reason we are able to split time between kids is that we share transportation responsibilities with other families for DD10.

DH and I often end up splitting up to attend different activities. DD8 and DS3 do end up traveling to games most weekends but they have made friends with other siblings. To them attending a game means an hour on the playground with friends since many of the soccer fields near us have playgrounds attached. DS3 actually looks forward to it. We also arrange playdates sometimes so DD8 doesn't need to always go. It really isn't as bad as it may appear to others. Usually we need to remind DD10 that the reason the other kids get more of our attention at home is b/c we do so much for her activities.

 

[portocall]

In my DH's case, he excelled in music, his brother in baseball. His parents preferred baseball and even travelled around the country for different competitions. DH had to spend hours at the ballpark keeping himself busy. He is not outdoorsy and was not fun for him. His parents wouldn't bring him to all-state competitions when it was a light rain shower and didn't show up to many of his recitals either. DH harbors a lot of resentment over this all these years later.

 

[luvsJack]

My older son excelled in most sports, but especially baseball. Younger son played sports but was never the "star" that older ds was. It didn't help that even in school, if younger ds did something wrong, he was punished, if older ds did the same thing he wasn't because they didn't want to mess up his playing in the football game or whatever.

We gave younger ds many options. He played any sport he wanted to (he just didn't stay with some past one season), he went to camps: Space Camp, science camps, kids invention camps, and he took lessons in karate and guitar. We allowed him to explore whatever interests he wanted to. When older ds was playing ball, sometimes the entire family would be at every game (like during all stars or big tournaments) but sometimes either dh or I would miss the game to take younger ds somewhere (like the circus or the fair when he was younger) and if he had a lesson or a game at the same time as older ds, one when with him and one went with the other.

I would have never made a major decision that effected the whole family for one over the other, though. Sports are great and wonderful and all that, but it would not have been fair to tear younger ds away from his friends and family (in the case of a move) just so his brother could be on a better team!

Its kinda funny though, everyone always thought baseball was the be all and end all back then and when younger ds started wanting to be a professional wrestler everyone just kinda laughed it off. Well, he practiced and he worked at it; and now he is the one that gets to do the thing the loves every weekend.

Everyone has something they can excel at; it just takes finding that one thing, whether its football, dance or spelling. And each kid should get just as much recognition regardless of what that one thing is.

 

[agnes!]

Slightly off-topic, but my DBro was the only one of us four kids who played a varsity sport - he was on the hs tennis team...lettered too! And our parents *NEVER* went to any of his matches.

agnes!

 

[kellyg403]

I have one dd who excells at pretty much everything she does. Not necessarily out of skill per se but determination. She is one of those people if she chooses to do something its because she is interested and wants to do it. We have spent a lot of time and money over the years with gymnastics and travelling. It was much much harder when the younger kids were, well, younger. They did have to travel with us..but we always picked a hotel with an indoor pool and we always let them choose dinner etc. The traveling turned into mini vacations.

The others have done various things over the years. But until recently, dedicated to one thing was not in the cards. Now, ds15 is REALLY into his music and there are several auditions etc. Dsd16 is REALLY into church functions and those friends so several times a year she goes with her friends or other members of the Kingdom Hall to things and younger ds is a go with the flow kinda guy. He loves to draw...he can do that anywhere and he does.

I would probably not separate my family for one child or move them for one. But then again, I don't think I will ever be faced with that situation so who knows the right answer there!

The key in my book is making sure everybody finds something they are interested in and enjoy. It doesn't not have to be for a scholarship or have to be their career some day. I just want all of them to make sure they learn what THEY like, not me.

Kelly

 

[5lilfish]

I must add I'm a mom of 3 boys who are not very good in sports so I might not "get" the need for a 7 year old to be in year round traveling soccer.

7 does seem a little young...but the year round part might is just the norm these days. I have 5 kids and we are involved in 4 travel sports. They are all year round. My kids started playing travel when they were 9. I can't say that I am in full agreement that it needs to be that way (year round and/or so young). Here's the problem. If your child is interested in travel sports and you don't start them when everyone else starts then it is very hard to break into a team. The teams basically get formed and carry over from year to year. There are try-outs but once a coach forms his/her team, there aren't many changes. Also, around here, if you think your kids will want to play in high school, they will have a very hard time making the team if they haven't played travel. My thinking, looking down the road, is that I want my kids busy with sports/activities in high school. I can't stand seeing groups of kids hanging out in front of a convenience store at 8/9/10pm. I'd rather have my kids occupied with other things.

Like I said...I don't always like it, but that's just the way it is. We do enjoy watching our kids play sports/instruments/whatever and we enjoy having a busy schedule. Sometimes it gets a little crazy but I wouldn't want it any other way. I am not the type to sit home...

We do have 1 child that does less than the others. Thankfullly he is the oldest and doesn't need to be dragged to anything. Sometimes I do feel bad that our time is occupied with his sibs but we always try to balance it. He isn't lacking in anything. We also have 2 yr old twins. We try to get sitters for them when possible. We feel less guilty leaving them home. They have fun with their sitter...more fun than sitting in a stroller 'watching' the game. I am a SAHM so they get a lot of time/attention from me. So, I don't worry about the few hours they have a sitter (they actually consider that to be fun time).

Jess

 

[eliza61]

I'm very lucky in that I have a large, extremely close, extended family. My nephew is an all star, all state (whatever that means) football player and a karate champ. He has 2 brothers so we always try and send out a contingent of family members to support the other siblings. LOL. My SIL is fanatical about rotating to make sure all her kids know she made it to their functions. All the kids have at least grandma & poppop plus a host of Aunties and Uncles at their sports or creative recitals.

Her and my brother don't spend much time together but I think they are making it work pretty well.

 

[mjkacmom]

My oldest is into choirs/theater/music, and we support her in any way we can ($1000 keyboard, NYC auditions). Ds11 plays on at least 4 teams every season, and we spend a lot of time on the fields as a family. Dd8 is very into irish dancing, at least 3 nights a week, at least one competion a month, plus regionals and nationals (at WDW - the other kids aren't coming). She has a $1200 solo dress (which isn't actually that expensive in the irish dance world!). Ds6 just got his brown belt in TKD, and we cheer him on at testing. Dd6 - although she has a beautiful voice, she really doesn't excell at anything else. She plays soccer and goes to gymnastics with ds6, but no real talent in these areas. You know what? She LOVES cheering on her siblings. The amount of time/money spent on the other kids is huge, but she's very happy to just support their interests, and come along for the ride. It's just her personality.

 

[mjkacmom]

I guess the thing I find strange about it is that both families constantly complain about how busy they are and how much time they dedicate but they continue to do it. They feel it is something they have to do for their kid and they don't seem to see any other options. Again, I have never had to deal with this so maybe there aren't any other options.

I didn't get it either, until I had children with real passions about their interests. Dd13 has never once complained about late rehearsals or last minute choir practices. Ds 11 has never once wanted to skip a practice. Dd8 always says "great" when I remind her she has a 3 hour long workshop with this crazy irish dance teacher the studio flies in. I asked ds6 if he wanted to take a break from TKD over the summer - "no way!" However, dd6 has absolutely no passions about anything - she enjoys her activities, but doesn't LOVE them. When you see your children wanting to put in so much work and time into something, you let them.

 

[clovergirl5]

7 does seem a little young...but the year round part might is just the norm these days. I have 5 kids and we are involved in 4 travel sports. They are all year round. My kids started playing travel when they were 9. I can't say that I am in full agreement that it needs to be that way (year round and/or so young). Here's the problem. If your child is interested in travel sports and you don't start them when everyone else starts then it is very hard to break into a team. The teams basically get formed and carry over from year to year. There are try-outs but once a coach forms his/her team, there aren't many changes. Also, around here, if you think your kids will want to play in high school, they will have a very hard time making the team if they haven't played travel. My thinking, looking down the road, is that I want my kids busy with sports/activities in high school. I can't stand seeing groups of kids hanging out in front of a convenience store at 8/9/10pm. I'd rather have my kids occupied with other things.
Like I said...I don't always like it, but that's just the way it is. We do enjoy watching our kids play sports/instruments/whatever and we enjoy having a busy schedule. Sometimes it gets a little crazy but I wouldn't want it any other way. I am not the type to sit home...

We do have 1 child that does less than the others. Thankfullly he is the oldest and doesn't need to be dragged to anything. Sometimes I do feel bad that our time is occupied with his sibs but we always try to balance it. He isn't lacking in anything. We also have 2 yr old twins. We try to get sitters for them when possible. We feel less guilty leaving them home. They have fun with their sitter...more fun than sitting in a stroller 'watching' the game. I am a SAHM so they get a lot of time/attention from me. So, I don't worry about the few hours they have a sitter (they actually consider that to be fun time).

Jess

Thats exactly how it is here too. If the kids don't start out on these teams at a young age, its usually to late once they get to m.s. or h.s., the teams are already formed from years ago and not to many kids, here at least, drop out.
And I agree with you, I want my dc occupied with something other than running around hanging out in public somewhere. Trouble just waiting to happen.

 

[mjkacmom]

Thats exactly how it is here too. If the kids don't start out on these teams at a young age, its usually to late once they get to m.s. or h.s., the teams are already formed from years ago and not to many kids, here at least, drop out.
And I agree with you, I want my dc occupied with something other than running around hanging out in public somewhere. Trouble just waiting to happen.

Also, they start very young these days. If you've never played baseball, you probably won't be good enough to play little league in the older grades, because these kids have been playing since they were 4. I don't agree they should be starting this young, but it is what it is. Dd8 (almost 9) has never played softball, and would probably make a food out of herself if she tried now. The fact that she's afraid of balls hitting her wouldn't make matters better!