What's wrong with me??

[robinb]

Robin, I hope you know I'm not slamming "older" parents. My sister, who turns 40 next week, had my adorable niece three years ago yesterday, after 13 years of marriage. She is a great mom, though she has less patience now. That may just be personality though and not related to age.

No worries . I happen to have had more patience as an older parent than when I was in my 20's. However, there is a lot to be said about having more energy as a younger parent.

It's completely natural that all of us look at this issue through the prism of our own experience. The folks who had kids in their teens and early 20's think they did the right thing and can't imagine having kids in their 30's. The people who had kids in their 30's think they did the right thing and can't imagine having kids in their teens and 20's.

 

[ohlas]

Just talk to your hubby, tell him what you are feeling, no demands, no tears.

Try to have this talk when your arent in the middle of i want a baby mode. Lots of women feel this way you are very normal.

All marriages have growning pains, he might not want kids ever, he might change his mind you will never know if you dont talk to him.

 

[punkin]

No worries . I happen to have had more patience as an older parent than when I was in my 20's. However, there is a lot to be said about having more energy as a younger parent.

It's completely natural that all of us look at this issue through the prism of our own experience. The folks who had kids in their teens and early 20's think they did the right thing and can't imagine having kids in their 30's. The people who had kids in their 30's think they did the right thing and can't imagine having kids in their teens and 20's.

I did both and both have advantages. I think anyone who can confidently say that one is "better" than the other, must be rather closed minded.

 

[MichelleVW]

You're new, arent you.

If you think you'll be a good parent at 20, you'll be a better parent at 30.

That's just ridiculous. I had my girls at 23 and 25 and seeing how they have grown into responsible young women I think I did a pretty good job. I wouldn't have done it any better if I waited 10 more years...that's just silly. I started babysitting infants at 14 and honestly would have been a great teen mom if that had happened. Age has nothing to do with it, it's desire.

I work with a girl who is 22 and has a 4 year old and she is an amazing mom, her son couldn't ask for better.

OP, you're young and you have plenty of time, but I wouldn't let your bad pasts stop you from having a baby. You seem like a caring person and I'm sure you would be wonderful parents. Having children is wonderful and I can't begin to describe the love I have for my girls. I just couldn't imagine life without them.

 

[U2_rocks!]

I did get married at 18.. and I'm even more in love with DH than I was the day we got married! The main reason he doesn't want to have kids, and the reason I agree with, is that our society is really messed up. People are awful and both of us went through really rough childhoods and we wouldn't ever want to subject another person to that.

I mean, I do still agree with that reasoning. Completely. People are awful and I'm reminded almost every day of this from just turning on the news. But, I just have a strange biological urge I guess is the best way to put it!

I'll talk to DH about it. I just don't want him to worry that I'll hold a grudge against him.

We are still young.. I guess I have another 13-14 years to safely reproduce.. I guess I just never thought I'd have a biological urge like this.

Maybe think of it this way: if good people don't continue to have kids and raise them to be good citizens like themselves, the world is only to get worse! Goodness know the ones who aren't raising their kids right don't care, and will continue to reproduce, many by accident. Think of reproduction as a noble act to help save the world. Encourage all of your upstanding friends to do the same.

Ok, I'm half kidding .... but not really. The world needs good leaders and corporate citizens in the next generation, and where are they going to come from if all the concerned citizens are too afraid to have kids??

 

[GoldieSaysMeep]

I have never wanted kids and I had myself "fixed" when I was in my late 20's. Everyone told me not to... "oh you'll regret it in 5 years!"

Nope.

Sometimes, I regret that when I see a cute baby, or hear friends gush over their kids milestones like first steps etc. I realize I will never experience that.

But usually that regret goes away when I hear my friends kids screeching or listen to my friends tell me they can't do anything because all their money goes to the kids. Or when I listen to my friends who are now divorced single parents.

No, I'll never experience the joys of kids. I'll never experience the downside of kids either.

DH & I agreed no kids when we got married. If one of us changed our minds, it would be a huge problem because this is a no compromise issue. IMO, when it comes to kids, either both parents have to want them, or both people don't. There is no in between. I know a girl who is currently trying to "trick" her DH into having a kid he doesn't want because she has suddenly decided that babies are cute… I think that's awful.

If DH was adamant he wanted a kid... He would have to choose to leave and find someone else to have it with. And ditto for me. We're in agreement so it's a non issue.

I know I made the right decision for me. I am not a nurturing person. The thought of pregancy and childbirth makes me want to be sick. I get frustrated with things quickly and easily. Parenting is not for me. I would not be a good mother and I'm 100% okay with that. I realized these things and chose to not have kids… (which honestly, in some ways makes me a better "mother" than the women who have kids and then figure out they hate parenting and stop taking proper care of their offspring).

And I love DH but he would be a horrible father, for many of the same reasons. He does not find pregnant women attractive either. I know a lot of guys who say they do. DH & I both find it to be rather...ew. Just being honest.

Not everyone is cut out to be a parent.

I also get really annoyed with people who say "if you wait til you can afford them, you'll never have them". Um, no. If you need to live off welfare etc. (like the girl who is tricking her DH) then no, you should not have kids. Yet people seem to encourage this everywhere around me. I know quite a few people who have repeated babies that they can't afford. Part of being a good parent is being able to provide for your kids.

If you are working at McDonalds 4 days a week and living with your spouses parents, you can't afford a baby so don't have one.

FWIW, we are in our late 30's and most of my friends have had kids in the last couple of years. All of them thought they wanted kids. Now, I would say about 50% of the couples regret that choice and 50% are happy. I'm basing that off how frequently they complain and say they wish they could go back. It's sad. 2 sets of them are getting divorced and it's mainly because one of the spouses is miserable and tired of dealing with the kids. Very sad.

 

[Conservative Hippie]

Maybe think of it this way: if good people don't continue to have kids and raise them to be good citizens like themselves, the world is only to get worse! Goodness know the ones who aren't raising their kids right don't care, and will continue to reproduce, many by accident. Think of reproduction as a noble act to help save the world. Encourage all of your upstanding friends to do the same.

Ok, I'm half kidding .... but not really. The world needs good leaders and corporate citizens in the next generation, and where are they going to come from if all the concerned citizens are too afraid to have kids??

ITA, and I'm not kidding! A while ago I stumbled upon a movie on TV that opened with sort of a "documentary" showing how society declined because intelligent, successful people put off having children, and the "less intelligent, less successful" people bred like rabbits. Can't remember the name, but it had one of the SNL girls in it.

ETA: Found it, it's called Idiocracy.

 

[Arielle22]

I think one thing I disagree with is the fact that the OP was too young to make the choice to be child-free. She was old enough to commit for life to another person, but too young to take that commitment seriously? Because that seems to be the implication... She and her DH discussed this, and they reached an agreement on the issue. I definitely think a open and honest conversation is in order, because no topic should be taboo in a marriage, but I think claiming the OP's decision was made in haste does her a discredit.

Also, I do find it odd (and I'm speaking generally, not at anyone specifically) that 20 would be too young to make the choice to be child-free but not to young to have children. Quite frankly, the "what if you change your mind" argument seems a lot more serious in its repercussions if the person with the child changes their mind about wanting them...

Ember, I agree with you that 20 or 18 is not too young to make the decision. My sister made the decision at 18 and almost 30 years later still kept to it. Her husband knew it when they were dating and agreed with it. He would have loved children but loved my sister more. My sister loves her nieces and nephews but is akward and uncomfortable with children.

 

[Mrs. Charming]

You're at the age where a woman starts to feel that 'yearning.' I think you're totally completely 200% normal. What you *need* to do is talk to your DH and have a serious heart to heart. This feeling probably won't go away, not for a long long time at least. Maybe it will, I don't know, I'm feeling the itch for #3. I'm biased!

There's a friend of a family member who is in a marriage like yours-- the DH doesn't want kids (no way, no how) and she's been feeling the baby fever for a long time now. Sure, she's living a great life doing all sorts of things, but she's deep-down unhappy (yes, she's said this, but in confidence, hence the anonymity) because she'll never have a baby.

That's my two cents.

 

[NotUrsula]

I think one thing I disagree with is the fact that the OP was too young to make the choice to be child-free. She was old enough to commit for life to another person, but too young to take that commitment seriously? Because that seems to be the implication... She and her DH discussed this, and they reached an agreement on the issue. I definitely think a open and honest conversation is in order, because no topic should be taboo in a marriage, but I think claiming the OP's decision was made in haste does her a discredit.

Also, I do find it odd (and I'm speaking generally, not at anyone specifically) that 20 would be too young to make the choice to be child-free but not to young to have children. Quite frankly, the "what if you change your mind" argument seems a lot more serious in its repercussions if the person with the child changes their mind about wanting them...

Well, I'm not disagreeing with you in principle, because these are both really major decisions AFAIC, but marriage *is* a lot more dissoluble than parenthood. You can be married for 5 years and mutually decide to walk away with no fault assigned, but you can't walk away from a kid after 5 years -- not without dealing with DFS, anyway. Embarking upon parenthood is indisputably the less reversible decision of the two in 21st century America. (FTR, I personally think that deliberately having a child at age 20 *is* irresponsible. I know there are plenty of folks here who disagree with me, but like I said, it's my personal opinion, and I'm sticking with that opinion.)

I think that it is telling that very few physicians will agree to permanently sterilize a healthy woman who is younger than about 28 years old unless she already has children. Recent neurology research has shown that human reasoning capacity really does not fully mature until sometime in our mid-20's; so it stands to reason that it makes sense for a physician to be very cautious about doing an elective medical procedure that has such a low chance of successful reversal -- the likelihood that someone younger than that would eventually change her mind is quite high. (Not every woman would, of course, but enough to make it an issue for physicians. Of course, most physicians probably also would prefer to council patients that having children too young is equally unwise, but given today's political climate that could easily amount to career suicide.)

FWIW, I personally think that someone as old as the OP is too young to rule out parenthood forever at this stage of her life, unless there is a medical condition that she hasn't mentioned somewhere on the family tree.

I have to agree with NHDisneylover that it is amusing to actually say out loud that one has "outgrown" behaviour that one is not legally old enough to participate in -- it does show a certain charming naivete, and that is rather germane to the topic at hand.

PS: I'll also add directly for the OP that nothing is wrong with her. She's completely normal. The vast majority of people change their minds about the issue of children several times in the course of their lives, and not always in any one particular direction; we do that because we're human.

 

[Jennasis]

ITA, and I'm not kidding! A while ago I stumbled upon a movie on TV that opened with sort of a "documentary" showing how society declined because intelligent, successful people put off having children, and the "less intelligent, less successful" people bred like rabbits. Can't remember the name, but it had one of the SNL girls in it.

ETA: Found it, it's called Idiocracy.

LOVE that movie.

"It's got electrolytes in it."

"It's the taste plants CRAVE!"

And I would vote for President Comacho.

 

[Becky2005]

I did both and both have advantages. I think anyone who can confidently say that one is "better" than the other, must be rather closed minded.

Me too....all I'm thinking of reading this is hmm..I must be a horrible parent to my oldest and a fantastic parent to my youngest if it's solely about age when you have them. I was 25 when I had my first and 35 when I had my 4th. Who the heck knows what kind of mom my 2 middle children got -- "semi-good" I guess since I was under 30 for one of them and over for the other?

OP -- I think having the "what ifs" is normal...it's just a matter of how strong it becomes and if you will have regrets later while at the same time working with DH on if his feelings are so iron clad against it that he won't change his mind too.

 

[elcodfish]

I haven't read all the responses so I may be rehashing some points. For you, the best choice may be to become a foster parent. You get to help a child in need, and see if parenthood or adoption are right for you.

Personally, my husband and I are 29. We met at 17 and said we didn't want kids, and still feel that way. Sometimes when I see my friends who are pregnant glowing or playing with my nephews and they are being adorable, I think, I could do that, but an hour later when I am home alone having a glass of wine I come back to my senses It's normal to feel the way you feel, I think the most important thing is to have an open line of communication with your husband and talk about these new feelings and discuss possible outcomes.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I think one thing I disagree with is the fact that the OP was too young to make the choice to be child-free. She was old enough to commit for life to another person, but too young to take that commitment seriously? Because that seems to be the implication... She and her DH discussed this, and they reached an agreement on the issue. I definitely think a open and honest conversation is in order, because no topic should be taboo in a marriage, but I think claiming the OP's decision was made in haste does her a discredit.

Also, I do find it odd (and I'm speaking generally, not at anyone specifically) that 20 would be too young to make the choice to be child-free but not to young to have children. Quite frankly, the "what if you change your mind" argument seems a lot more serious in its repercussions if the person with the child changes their mind about wanting them...

Interesting point--I never thought of it like this before.

And now, as expected, older parents are being slammed . I was 38 when I had my DD and I was a MUCH better parent in my 30's and 40's than I would have been in my 20's. Yeah ... I was tired and sometimes cranky. But my DD keeps me young and like others on this thread I never let being a parent get in the way of all the other things I came to enjoy during my young adult years.

Personally, I think they you can be "too young" to have kids. That doesn't mean that you can't be a good parent or at least muddle through without ruining your kids. I just think that most people are not done growing emotionally and spiritually (not in a religious sense) until they are in their 20's and a more stable person who is comfortable in their own skin makes a better parent. Of course, some people NEVER grow up but that's an exception.

Wow--I certainly did not mean to slam older parents and I hadn't noticed that many other posters (if any) had. I DID see several posters say that THEY were good parents young and even that they felt THEY were better parent that a younger age and why. I think it varies by person--and I get the feeling most posters feel that way (with the exception of the poster who thinks a 20 year old cannot be a decent parent). For example, one issue I have is I had limitless patiences in my 20s but not so much anymore. So having kids young worked well for me in that regard. One of my sisters in law was VERY impatient in her younger years. She wanted to party and play and she did not want to be slowed down by kids or even a line at the grocery store. She has mellowed a lot as she aged and now is a very patient mom (having had her kids in her late 30s). So, the same thing I lost with age she gained--and it is ONE of the factors that made me want to have kids young (and glad that I did) and made her want to wait. EVERYONE is different (some never want kids and I think it is great that they think about it and choose not to rather than just doing what society expects--my other sister in law will never be a mother and that is the right choice for her).
I think what many are taking issue with is that this poster thinks there is one best time to have a child and this is simply not true. Some people are awesome parents at any age. Some are better suited to have kids young and be done with it. Others are better suited to wait and then have kids as they are older. Some people are not cut out to be parents. All can be the BEST choice for a particular parent and child.

 

[tlbwriter]

I also get really annoyed with people who say "if you wait til you can afford them, you'll never have them". Um, no. If you need to live off welfare etc. (like the girl who is tricking her DH) then no, you should not have kids. Yet people seem to encourage this everywhere around me. I know quite a few people who have repeated babies that they can't afford. Part of being a good parent is being able to provide for your kids.

If you are working at McDonalds 4 days a week and living with your spouses parents, you can't afford a baby so don't have one.

 

[MnMomtoboys]

I find it highly ironic that there are people saying that people in their 20's can't be good parents when I was told a couple of months ago that there was no way I can be a good parent to my 3 year old since I am 45. Then the stupid you know what got mad when I disagreed with her.


Parenting shouldn't be about age limits. Its about raising self sufficent people, who hopefully will be able to spell better than I.

Is it possible to be more supportive of each other than to tear each other down? Not everyone wants to be a parent and not everyone wants to do it at the same age. We should just support and accept the differences and move on.

 

[Magpie]

I haven't read all the responses so I may be rehashing some points. For you, the best choice may be to become a foster parent. You get to help a child in need, and see if parenthood or adoption are right for you.

I don't know... fostering isn't something you can just do on a whim. It's a real, serious commitment. You have to go through intensive training and home checks and criminal background checks. The foster care system definitely doesn't want people volunteering who're just in it to "try out" parenting. They want people who can commit to the lifestyle.

Not to mention, foster kids often have uniquely challenging issues and needs that never come up in ordinary parenting. When was the last time the average parent had to delouse a child who screams at the sight of a bathtub full of water, because she associates it with traumatic abuse? Or deal with a toddler who is not only still in diapers, but has weeping sores from not being changed? Or is woken up at 3am to take in a twelve year old in crisis, who's still coming down from who knows what cocktail of drugs?

Foster parents are heroes.

If the OP doesn't have much experience with children, she can babysit the children of friends and relatives. She can even have them over for sleepovers. That's the usual way of finding whether or not you like children. Although, to be honest, I can't stand other people's babies. And yet I still loved mine on first sight!

 

[kymmyk13]

No worries . I happen to have had more patience as an older parent than when I was in my 20's. However, there is a lot to be said about having more energy as a younger parent.

It's completely natural that all of us look at this issue through the prism of our own experience. The folks who had kids in their teens and early 20's think they did the right thing and can't imagine having kids in their 30's. The people who had kids in their 30's think they did the right thing and can't imagine having kids in their teens and 20's.

I fall into both of these categories, I had first DD when I was 21 and my second DD when I was 36. I was not in a career at 21 and could be at home more then I can now. I much more tired in my 30's and alot less patient. My oldest DD turned out OK for us being so young when we had her, she is at the University of Alabama (Roll Tide) Studying Speech Pathology and my other DD is in Kindergarten.

 

[Ember]

In my personal experience as a teacher, I've seen some amazing parents at every age. I've also seen some pretty pathetic parents at every age. So while you may be able to speak in generalities about age as related to good parenting (and I don't feel qualified to do so), I would say you simply cannot speak in absolutes.

 

[Robinrs]

In my personal experience as a teacher, I've seen some amazing parents at every age. I've also seen some pretty pathetic parents at every age. So while you may be able to speak in generalities about age as related to good parenting (and I don't feel qualified to do so), I would say you simply cannot speak in absolutes.

Nothing is life is absolute, that goes without saying. I'm an OLDER parent, and waited because I saw so many "young parent nightmares" in my family. My Mom was the exception, she had my oldest sister at 17 and me, the youngest, at 30. She was awesome to us but DIFFERENT because she was a different person at both ages. Neither was bad, just different.

I had my one and only live child at 36. I had done all my carrying on, travelling, moving and carousing and was READY as heck to settle down and be Mommy. There is NO WAY IN HECK I could've said that at 17 like my Mom or at 20 like the OP. I was WAY too selfish to be a good Mom, unlike my Mom, who was willing to give her all at a young age.

What I did is good for me, and I couldn't imagine someone else making the decision for me and my body. IMHO, there is not much difference between a 20yo female and a 27yo old male, in fact in some instances the female may be OLDER. Your needs and hormones are COMPLETELY different, also. I hope you two come together on this.