What's wrong with me??

[MattsPrincess]

I highly suggest reading the book "Two is Enough" by Laura Scott. I just finished it and really enjoyed it. It raised a lot of good points, and made me think a lot.

We also married at 18. At this point, we very much enjoy being a family of two, and the lifestyle that allows us to have. We have no intention of having kids. However, we've discussed it and are open to the fact that we may change our minds as we get older, and are open to discussing possibly having ONE child in the future, but not anytime soon.

I too have friends with babies and young children, and sometimes look at their pictures on FB or whatever and feel a pang of jealousy. I'll go for a few weeks thinking, man, i want one of those too! I could do that! Then we'll take a trip, or go out to dinner, or a concert, or what have you, and that feeling quickly fades when something i'd have to give up is right there in my face.

There's a lot of pressure to have kids, it's what you're "supposed to do when you're married." That mentality doesn't help me when i'm in points of confusion about how I feel about parenthood. It's a rough thing when you choose to not ever have children, you get all the stupid prying questions, looks of pity, etc. It's frustrating at times. Between social pressures, and pressure from family and friends, and being surrounded by children...i think it's only natural to start to think you want to buy into that life too. I'd wait it out a bit...maybe distance yourself from the pictures and friend's kids, etc for a few days. Cut out all things baby, go out and do stuff you wouldn't be able to with a baby, and see if the feeling fades. That should give you a better idea of if you're genuinely starting to want a child, or if it's just (for lack of a better term) envy.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Makes sense.. I love my DH and being with him is what I want.. and I would never question that. More than anything, I just don't understand why I'm having feelings of wanting to be a parent all of the sudden. I can accept a life without having children, because that's a sacrifice I guess I'll have to make in my marriage.. I just am not sure why I feel like this.

Because it is a normal feeling to have.

Also, 18 is pretty young to go into a marriage with the intent of being childfree for life with a partner.

You are still young and you are going to go through MANY emotional changes in the next decade.

 

[robinb]

I think the biggest issue here is that you got married quite young and agreed to certain deal-breakers with your older husband. HE had a chance to be an adult and know what he wanted in life. YOU were just a kid. Now that you are maturing and starting to think about what you really may want in your life, the deal-breaker remains on table. The fact is that you will both mature and change in your marriage and maybe that deal-breaker will always be there for him. Maybe he will change his mind and want to have children himself. It's OK to have feelings like that when you're 20. It's OK to have feelings like your husband has at 27. What you need now is time to see how your marriage will move forward. Give it time. Allow yourself to feel. There is plenty of time in your life and in your marriage for the two of you to come to an adult agreement and not an agreement between an adult and a teenager.

FWIW, I was not ready to have a child until I was well into my 30's. The teenaged me would have been completely happy making the same agreement.

 

[ma2nojo]

Before we had children my dh and I traveled, ate well, shopped, did anything we wanted to. When I was pregnant with our first I told my dh- "oh no, we are going to have to give this up!" THen I had my son and realized.... nope, not really. We took him everywhere... except for a few adult only trips, and we still pretty much did everything as before- just not in the excess as we did.

Then while pregnant with my daughter I said, "Oh no, there is no way we are going to be able to travel, dine well, keep up our shopping habits..etc." Well, we take both of them everywhere (except for the occasional adult only trips , and still dine well (our kids are very well behaved due to early exposure).etc.

Yes, life has changed. It has become so much more for us. We still do what we want.... only now we do more.

You are only 20! Enjoy those years!!!!!

 

[Ember]

You may have to decide what's more important: the man you're married to, or a child. And neither choice is wrong.

I knew I didn't want children. I have no urge whatsoever and often joke that if I have a biological clock, it's broken. I adore kids, and work with them, but am adamant that I don't want any of my own. I entered my marriage having fully discussed this with DH.

If he suddenly changed his mind, and having kids what that important to him, we would divorce. I think one person "giving in" to having a child is a terrible thing in most cases. (Not all, but most.) Children should be wanted by both parents, they should not be a concession to keeping a partner. This only leads to resentment. Couples with children are more likely to divorce, and I've always suspected this is one of the reasons why.

I would be honest with your partner, talk to him. Maybe this is a passing desire for you as you settle into the idea of not having kids. Or maybe it's something that is very important to your future happiness.

 

[SookieStackhouse]

There is nothing wrong with you. You are going through a very normal phase. I went through the same thing.

I also married with the intention of not having children. I am 42 and still don't have them. It goes in hills and valleys with me. I really want them, then I don't. Then I do. It is very normal for me. I suspect that if I did get pregnant during one of these times, I would be really happy and thrilled. But, it is okay that I don't have kids now.

All I can tell you is to do what I do. I discuss it and talk out the feelings. Sometimes my husband is like yours and very sure he doesn't want them. At other times, even he thinks about the what ifs.

I can tell you that I really enjoy to travel. But, I was raised by a family that vacationed often so I expect that if I had kids, they'd just come along like I did when I was a kid.

That pretty much sums up my story too. That urge didn't hit me until I was late 20's, I am 39 now and still do not have kids.

 

[katesorad]

Thank you all so very much for all of your wonderful feedback! I certainly feel a lot better after reading what all of you had to say.. and I realize that I do have my entire life ahead of me. I'm young, but at the same time I do feel like I'm a lot more mature than most people my age.. most of my friends still go out partying and drinking every night. I consider myself to have grown past that as time has gone on.

I love being able to come here and get advice from so many knowledgeable people! Thank you all so much again..

 

[tlbwriter]

If his ONLY objection to having children is that he feels it would be cruel or unfair to bring a child into this world, what about a child that's already in the world? Fostering or adopting would allow you two to undo so much that has gone wrong.

 

[Magic Mom]

Makes sense.. I love my DH and being with him is what I want.. and I would never question that. More than anything, I just don't understand why I'm having feelings of wanting to be a parent all of the sudden. I can accept a life without having children, because that's a sacrifice I guess I'll have to make in my marriage.. I just am not sure why I feel like this.

Because you are changing and maturing. 19 was awfully young to be making such a final decision. Have you talked to him about these feelings?

 

[Mama_Dis]

Well, I want a lot of stuff I'm never going to get, but I don't dwell on it.

It doesn't make me want it less, but that's life.

If you have a good life and you love your husband, don't screw it up by wishing for something you can't have.

Just saw how old you are. You're too young to have kids and do a decent job of being a parent. Work on becoming a well rounded adult and partner to your husband first. When you're 30, talk to him again about being a parent. You'll probably be ready by then.

This is quite possibly one of the most ignorant, offensive statements I've read here on the Dis. I'm SO glad you are here to let young people know when they will be old enough to be a "decent" parent. Unreal.

To the OP, you do have time to decide and your husband may very well change his mind. My sister has said for ten years that she NEVER wants kids. In the past 2-3 months, she and her boyfriend have started talking about kids in their "5 year plan". You never know what can happen

 

[BeefJerky]

Seriously. I think that you were WAY too young to decide you didn't want to have kids when you first got married and to be fair, your husband is 7 years older then you and he probably had more time to think if he wanted to have a kid or not. You didn't and honestly, you were bound to change your mind. Something like that is a total deal breaker and your husband had more time to decide something like that and you are/were still making your way in the world and too young to decide something like that.

 

[Buckalew11]

BTW, my sister was married 13 years before she had baby #1. She had 4!! She was never trying for a baby during those 13 years. They just didn't want them.

 

[katesorad]

If his ONLY objection to having children is that he feels it would be cruel or unfair to bring a child into this world, what about a child that's already in the world? Fostering or adopting would allow you two to undo so much that has gone wrong.

We've talked about this before. It's something that DH said that he may consider as we age if he feels like he's missing something in his life.. it sounds bad when I write it on here, but knowing him, I really think that it made sense for him. I think that he just feels like a lot of people have kids because they feel like it's just the "thing to do" or because their family expects it from them. And I understand that.

We'll see what happens. It's not a huge dilemma for me right now. I could technically go without having kids, sure.. but I'm just having an urge to reproduce. I never understood my mom going up to babies and talking about how cute they were and how she'd love another one until just recently. I've always liked kids, but just didn't think they were for me. Maybe part of it is just because of the woman I'm becoming.. maybe somewhere in me, I think I could be a wonderful mother.

 

[Disneyrsh]

sure

 

[katesorad]

You're new, arent you.

If you think you'll be a good parent at 20, you'll be a better parent at 30.

I agree with this 100%. I am guilty of watching MTV's Teen Mom show. Most of them are wonderful parents, but if they would've waited 10-15 years, they would've had the resources to do a little better.. the knowledge, the experience, and the cash!

And to the person above who said that this subject could be a deal breaker, I honestly don't think so. I never said that I need to have kids.. I was just seeking advice about the biological urges I've been having.. the changes in feelings of when I see babies, and not getting as annoyed when I hear a screaming baby in line at a department store, etc. My mother wouldn't give me the time of day if I brought this up (she has issues..), and my friends are all between 21 or so and 30 or so, and they all just want me to have babies for some reason.. so there is no being logical with them! haha.

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

My situation is similar and yet very dfferent. I married my DH when I was 17, he was 22. We wanted kids though, both of us very much. But as another young bride, you will change, there is no question, the thing is you have to grow and change together. So that may mean adopting a child and giving them a better life. I don't know, there is time. But whatever you do it needs to be as a team or someone will always be resentful.

But I understand the whole, the world is a scary place thing. I was pregnant with our youngest when 9-11 happened. I sat for 2 days watching the news, almost frozen thinking how could I bring another child into this world, but you know, for all the evil you hear about, there are everyday wonderful stories of good, caring people doing amazing things. I like to focus on what my kids will do with their lives to add to that good, and let me tell you, they have made me proud!

As for your own childhood, my DH had one of the worst, I can't get into it here because it is not my story to tell, but it was bad. He couldn't be a better father if he tried. He is amazing, our kids are so blessed to have him. I didn't have it so great either, my dad left before I was born and my mom within a year of that. Abandonded by both parents, I still turned out to do pretty good as a mom. So your childhood can be a guide, a guide of what you don't want to be.

*And I have to disagree, not all young moms are bad ones just like not all older moms are good ones. I think I am a pretty great mom, sure I could improve in some areas, but overall I think I am doing a really good job. It is one of the 2 things I am most proud of myself, that and the wife that I am.

 

[Mama_Dis]

You're new, arent you.

If you think you'll be a good parent at 20, you'll be a better parent at 30.

No, not new. I just generally stay away from highly debatable threads and shrug off posts made by lunatics. Since this thread is neither of those things, I found your statement irritating and uncalled for, but I guess at least I can add to my list of DisNuts to avoid

I meant to add to the OP that my sisters boyfriend is 10 years older than her, so he has had way more time to think about the issue of children than she has and they are both just coming around to the idea together. How does your hubby feel when you talk about it? It might be good to just let him know that sometimes, you just need to talk about it. Explain that it's not to try to change his mind, but to keep the lines of communication open. One person holding on to something they can't share freely with their partner is never a good idea. Good luck

*off to go be a substandard parent to my kids. Only three more years until I get to be a REAL parent

 

[Disneyrsh]

sure

 

[katesorad]

Take it personally much? It's not about you. Really. Taken in the abstract (put your thinking cap on), the statement that a 30 year old woman would make a better mother than a 20 year old woman makes obvious sense.

I don't think that statement is necessarily true. I think that most 20 year olds don't always have as many economic resources as someone who is 30.. but that isn't always the case. And to have a child, money is something that you absolutely need! But as far as being a good parent, anyone can be a good parent.. it doesn't matter how old you are. You just need the capacity in your heart to love a child and put them first always.. and obviously necessary resources for keeping your child well-nourished.

 

[bunkkinsmom]

I NEVER wanted kids, or a husband for that matter. When I was 27 a little boy walked into the restaurant I was working at and my then live-in boyfriend bent down to speak to him. I burst into tears. 2 years later that relationship was over and I met my now DH. At 31 I had my first child and was HORRIFIED at the thought of being a mom. I was sooooo scared. I am 40 now and have 3 kids.

It is quite possible that your feelings will grow stronger towards kids, and I pray that your relationship will grow with it. It could go the other way as well and these feelings will subside. Just please discuss them with your DH now so that if they do grow it won't be a complete to him!

Much love and good luck!