What's wrong with me??

[Disneyrsh]

sure

 

[kidzmom3]

betting your not over 30.

And, no, not everyone can be a good parent, and yes, it does matter how old you are.

And you need more than love in your heart and food in their belly to raise a child, thats such a sunshine and butterflies idea.

rude and insulting!

 

[elainesj]

Take it personally much? It's not about you. Really. Taken in the abstract (put your thinking cap on), the statement that a 30 year old woman would make a better mother than a 20 year old woman makes obvious sense.

I think most young moms would find this offensive. I usually never get involved in arguments - but saying a 30 yr old woman makes a better mom isn't always true.

i'm not even going to start going into ways in which a 30 yr old can be a worse mom (it's ridiculous to start trying to point out who's a better mom, etc...as long as you love your kids and do everything u can to show it....I think that's plenty good enough to be a good mom).

But...one thing you should consider...biologically, it can be so much harder to reproduce at 30. Chances of complications are higher. So is it always a wise choice to wait? Waiting puts your child at a higher risk of having problems.

I was 22 when I had my first child. Financially, it wasn't a problem as my DH was 31 and was stable so I was able to be a SAHM. Did having a child so young have its own unique challenges? Sure it did. But would I have been a better mom if I had waited till I was 30? I'm 31 now...and I can't see how I could love my children anymore now than I did when I was 22. It would have been easier for me to have waited a few years to have children....but that would not have made me a "better" mom.

My mom was upset when I got married and had children so young. To this day, she mourns my lost youth. As far as I was concerned, I was happy to settle down and had no urge to go drinking and partying all night. (or to go through more dating drama) I enjoyed my teenage years thoroughly and was a boring old woman by the time I was 20.

 

[Disneyrsh]

.

 

[momx2]

rude and insulting!

Yep, it sure is.

 

[Jennasis]

I see the DISers are hard at work trying to get a thread shut down tonight.

 

[Disneyrsh]

sure.

 

[kwelch10377]

I see the DISers are hard at work trying to get a thread shut down tonight.

There have already been 2. Is there a record for number of threads locked in one night? They might be trying to break that.

 

[JessicaR]

I see the DISers are hard at work trying to get a thread shut down tonight.

Looks like just one to me.

 

[sookie]

I think the biggest issue here is that you got married quite young and agreed to certain deal-breakers with your older husband. HE had a chance to be an adult and know what he wanted in life. YOU were just a kid. Now that you are maturing and starting to think about what you really may want in your life, the deal-breaker remains on table. The fact is that you will both mature and change in your marriage and maybe that deal-breaker will always be there for him. Maybe he will change his mind and want to have children himself. It's OK to have feelings like that when you're 20. It's OK to have feelings like your husband has at 27. What you need now is time to see how your marriage will move forward. Give it time. Allow yourself to feel. There is plenty of time in your life and in your marriage for the two of you to come to an adult agreement and not an agreement between an adult and a teenager.

FWIW, I was not ready to have a child until I was well into my 30's. The teenaged me would have been completely happy making the same agreement.

Hi. I got married at 20, my husband was 25. I think that 18 is just too young to make that kind of lifelong committment to another person - to stay child free for FOREVER. Things change. Talk to him. Is he the one who pushed the child less thing? Its very easy to be manipulated by an older partner - see it all the time. And even if he didn't - PEOPLE CHANGE. You're changing. I am not the same person I was at 18, at 20, heck at 24 - I am totally different. If you can't change with your spouse - you are screwed. Talk to him. He sounds like he is probably a good guy and you love him a lot - you two should be able to work something out.

I'm lucky in my relationship that my spouse is very easy going and we talk things out - I'm very much heard, and as I have changed, we have both accomodated each other. But it could have VERY easily gone the other way - I am 27 now and husband is 32. You have to learn to change with your spouse.

I say that if you want children, you deserve to have them. I think you would probably have a life of regrets if you really want this and never did it. So to answer your question - there is nothing wrong with you. You are still developing as a person. He had more time to do that before you did when the decision was made - not right or wrong - just the way the cards fell. Good luck.

 

[sookie]

Seriously. I think that you were WAY too young to decide you didn't want to have kids when you first got married and to be fair, your husband is 7 years older then you and he probably had more time to think if he wanted to have a kid or not. You didn't and honestly, you were bound to change your mind. Something like that is a total deal breaker and your husband had more time to decide something like that and you are/were still making your way in the world and too young to decide something like that.

You said it so much better than me!!! OP, add this onto my post too!! LOL

 

[sookie]

I agree with this 100%. I am guilty of watching MTV's Teen Mom show. Most of them are wonderful parents, but if they would've waited 10-15 years, they would've had the resources to do a little better.. the knowledge, the experience, and the cash!

And to the person above who said that this subject could be a deal breaker, I honestly don't think so. I never said that I need to have kids.. I was just seeking advice about the biological urges I've been having.. the changes in feelings of when I see babies, and not getting as annoyed when I hear a screaming baby in line at a department store, etc. My mother wouldn't give me the time of day if I brought this up (she has issues..), and my friends are all between 21 or so and 30 or so, and they all just want me to have babies for some reason.. so there is no being logical with them! haha.

AHHHHHH these moms on "teen mom" are not good parents! i had my daughter at 17 and there was NO WAY i acted in the way these girls do. i would have been boring because i tried to do it the right way i guess. i worked, went to school, came home to my baby - and took care of my kid. i guess that was why i have been as successful as I have been. i actually can't watch the show anymore just because i want to hurl things at the tv!! lol

 

[elainesj]

Sigh. this is a different argument. Pay attention-the SAME woman would make a BETTER mother at 30 than she would at 20.

Not a 30 year old crack addict versus a 20 year old Condoleeza Rice-that is a pointless and stupid argument.

I would love for someone to post on here and say, yes, Ive gotten stupider and less capable as Ive aged.

I understood your point - and I addressed it. I had my first child at 22 and am now 31 so I am exactly the kind of person you are talking about. While I've certainly matured over the years...I would not be a "better" mother today than I was then. I think the issue is how you classify a "better" mother.

anyway, we've taken this whole discussion off track and PPs are right - this thread will get shut down soon if this continues. I used to admin a board and would definitely have shut down a thread that got as OT as this one. I think it would just be smarter for the rest of us not to rise to this bait (tempting though it is!!) as it's unfair to the OP.

Back to the OP: Bilogocial urges are normal. You are growing and changing. I made a decision after my second (I was only 24) that I was very sure I would not have another child. 5 years later, dh got snipped. I was perfectly content until about a year ago when suddenly I had a couple of baby twinges. i was thankful it never built up to any more than twinges LOL!! At this point in my life, I really feel my family is complete as it is.

You still have lots more years ahead to decide...and so does your dh. Give yourselves permission not to consider this a completely closed discussion. Like you said, it's not the end of the world if your dh never agrees to have kids. So for now, just talk about your feelings and let it be. You never know...in a few years his own bio urges might start kicking in and he'll understand how you feel better

 

[Kae]

I agree with a few things. One you were quite young when you made your choice. There is nothing wrong with you for having these feelings. And there is nothing wrong with your DH not changing his feelings.

I mean this in the nicest way-Good Luck to you and your DH. I hope that in the end you get what you really want for yourself.

Kae

 

[Conservative Hippie]

Sigh. this is a different argument. Pay attention-the SAME woman would make a BETTER mother at 30 than she would at 20.

Not a 30 year old crack addict versus a 20 year old Condoleeza Rice-that is a pointless and stupid argument.

I would love for someone to post on here and say, yes, Ive gotten stupider and less capable as Ive aged.

I'm 29, two children (3 and 7 months), and I'm definitely a better mother than I would have been 10 years ago, and I hope I'm a better mother 10 years from now.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

Sigh. this is a different argument. Pay attention-the SAME woman would make a BETTER mother at 30 than she would at 20.

There isn't any way that anyone can argue this to be true or not true. There are too many variables.

I'm a man, and can only speak for myself. But I can tell you that I am sure I would be a worse father to a baby now than I was at 20, when my daughter was born. I am much more wrapped up in my job and other responsibilities, and wouldn't be able to spend as much quality time with a baby or toddler. I am also much more worn out, much more bitter, and have much less patience than I did 14 years ago.

 

[katesorad]

Betting your not over 30.

And, no, not everyone can be a good parent, and yes, it does matter how old you are.

And you need more than love in your heart and food in their belly to raise a child, thats such a sunshine and butterflies idea.

You're right on only one point here- I am only 20 years old.. 21 in a few months.

I didn't start this thread with any intention of starting a debate. That's actually the exact opposite of what I was looking for, which was support and advice from people who may have found themselves in a similar situation, or maybe know somebody who has.

I'm kind of shocked to see it spark into such a controversial topic.. but as I spoke on a public forum, I did welcome any and all comments!

And I did want to clarify.. I am the type of person who truly believes that "All you need is love". I believe that the love that I have for my husband makes me an incredible wife.. the love that I have for my family makes me a better family member. The love I have for cooking makes me an excellent cook..

Well, that's all. Hopefully all arguments stay tame and nobody gets their feelings hurt!

 

[Mrs. Darcy]

Maybe you should be honest with your husband and tell him how you're feeling. Don't say "I want to have a baby and thats that." Tell him you're feeling strong maternal urges that you never felt before. Plant the seed in his head. I pray that he gets to agree with you on this because you're so young to have made such a decision. Hopefully his love for you will be the kind of love that wants you to grow as a woman, and if being a mother is something you feel in your heart, I hope his love will change his mind. You'll be in my prayers. And no no no there's nothing wrong with you!

 

[Conservative Hippie]

OP - This is beside the point now, but personally I don't think it was fair of your husband to ask you to make a decision that big when you were only 18. But you did agree, and now if you decide you do want children you will have to figure it out. It might be 3 or 5 or 10 years from now, but who knows, in 3, 5, or 10 years your husband might want children too.

 

[Trixieplus2]

Sigh. this is a different argument. Pay attention-the SAME woman would make a BETTER mother at 30 than she would at 20.

Not a 30 year old crack addict versus a 20 year old Condoleeza Rice-that is a pointless and stupid argument.

I would love for someone to post on here and say, yes, Ive gotten stupider and less capable as Ive aged.

Ok I have gotten stupider and less capable as i have aged No I'm lying!

I got married right at 20 had my first child at 21 my second at 23. We are doing great and I adore them both but I will admit to being scared and a little more overprotective at 21 than I am at 26 so I guess I will most likely get more at ease with myself and my parenting as I age further.

To make it plain I do not regret getting married young or having children young but like anything else you can only get more experienced and like they say "practice makes perfect"