What's wrong with me??

[tonilea]

I haven't read all the posts, so forgive me if this sounds like a repeat. We were about your ages when we got married, I was 18 and DH was six years older. I told DH that at 18 I honestly couldn't say I would ever want children, but I was certain that I did not want to have children right away. Six years later, we decided we were ready to become parents. It took another nine years to get DS and I am pretty confident he will be our only.

My life has changed so dramatically. At 18, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. At 30 I was in law enforcement - wanted a child, but would have rather gone to a bar fight with a switch than been locked in a room full of little kids..... Now? I am in college to be an elementary teacher. Life is full of change.

I do think I was/am a better parent, than if I had a child in my early twenties.

I will leave you with something I heard a friend say. "What would the world be like if all the "good" people quit having children?" Read whatever you would like into "good".

 

[Tauwillow]

Sigh. this is a different argument. Pay attention-the SAME woman would make a BETTER mother at 30 than she would at 20.

I disagree entirely. As a woman who will be 40 this year, I can tell you that I would have been a FAR more conservative parent at 30 than I was at 21.

My children benefited greatly from my youth, from my willingness to take certain parenting risks, my energy, and my singular focus. I would still be a great mom at 30 - but they would have missed out on a lot. I'm grateful that they didn't have to.

 

[NHdisneylover]

OP--there is nothing at all wrong with finding that your feelings related to children are changing---especially at your age. I think, for now, you just need to be honest with yourself and your husband and see where life leads the both of you.

Thank you all so very much for all of your wonderful feedback! I certainly feel a lot better after reading what all of you had to say.. and I realize that I do have my entire life ahead of me. I'm young, but at the same time I do feel like I'm a lot more mature than most people my age.. most of my friends still go out partying and drinking every night. I consider myself to have grown past that as time has gone on.

I love being able to come here and get advice from so many knowledgeable people! Thank you all so much again..

OKay--this post made me laugh. I was never the go out and party type so I get seeing your friends do that and not being into it. What I don't get is how you have "already outgrown" something you cannot even legally do yet

You're new, arent you.

If you think you'll be a good parent at 20, you'll be a better parent at 30.

I am not new around here and I find it very rude.

Take it personally much? It's not about you. Really. Taken in the abstract (put your thinking cap on), the statement that a 30 year old woman would make a better mother than a 20 year old woman makes obvious sense.

I had just turned 24 when I had my daughter and 26 when I had my son. I am 38 now. I am glad I had mine young. For ME, I had more energy (mental and physical), was more flexible and able to handle risks (in a good way) and was truly just more interested in baby and little kid things at that point in my life. I was a great mom to them as toddlers and preschoolers in my 20s and I think I would not be half as good at that now. Now, I am tired. I find little kid things boring in just two hours of visiting and as thrilled to NOT be living it now as I was to BE living it then. Now I enjoy discussing books and theatre and all kids of "big kid" stuff with my tween and teen.
Some people are best at parenting at 20 and some at 30 and some never. It is not a concrete thing though.

Sigh. this is a different argument. Pay attention-the SAME woman would make a BETTER mother at 30 than she would at 20.

Not a 30 year old crack addict versus a 20 year old Condoleeza Rice-that is a pointless and stupid argument.

I would love for someone to post on here and say, yes, Ive gotten stupider and less capable as Ive aged.

I have gotten more tired, less patient, more anxious and less capable of keeping up with a toddler as I have aged. I have also gotten more intellectual (great for those teen talks), better at juggling schedules and better at cooking. Good and bad have come with aging for me (and I suspect most people if they are truthful with themselves).

 

[indimom]

OP--there is nothing at all wrong with finding that your feelings related to children are changing---especially at your age. I think, for now, you just need to be honest with yourself and your husband and see where life leads the both of you.


OKay--this post made me laugh. I was never the go out and party type so I get seeing your friends do that and not being into it. What I don't get is how you have "already outgrown" something you cannot even legally do yet


I am not new around here and I find it very rude.

I had just turned 24 when I had my daughter and 26 when I had my son. I am 38 now. I am glad I had mine young. For ME, I had more energy (mental and physical), was more flexible and able to handle risks (in a good way) and was truly just more interested in baby and little kid things at that point in my life. I was a great mom to them as toddlers and preschoolers in my 20s and I think I would not be half as good at that now. Now, I am tired. I find little kid things boring in just two hours of visiting and as thrilled to NOT be living it now as I was to BE living it then. Now I enjoy discussing books and theatre and all kids of "big kid" stuff with my tween and teen.
Some people are best at parenting at 20 and some at 30 and some never. It is not a concrete thing though.


I have gotten more tired, less patient, more anxious and less capable of keeping up with a toddler as I have aged. I have also gotten more intellectual (great for those teen talks), better at juggling schedules and better at cooking. Good and bad have come with aging for me (and I suspect most people if they are truthful with themselves).

Agree with everything you said, in particular the last couple comments. I had my kids at 24 and 27. I don't think there is any way I could handle a baby now, I'm too darn tired at night. But, I have friends who didn't have their first until 38 and they are doing fine. Everyone is different, there is no ONE right way.

OP, people change. What we want changes. I agree that you were pretty young to make a lifelong decision at 18, but it isn't even really about your age.

I'm 38. Had my last child at 27. I've done the whole "I want another baby, not on your life, awww, but they're so cute, i'm too tired, too old, too cranky, then again you always manage, I do want a baby, I don't want a baby, but I'd take one if it happened" yo yo over and over again in the last 10 years. (DH & I were committed to two for financial reasons and we have stuck with that thanks to him getting clipped shortly after the second. If he hadn't, it would have been harder.)

Almost nothing in life is concrete, even what we think we want or don't want. There is ebb and flow, it's normal.

My advice to you, keep your husband informed about how you are feeling. Discuss these feelings. But, you do have tons of time and there is no reason to make any rash decisions. Marriage is all about compromise (it may be you, it may be him). You are blessed to have enough time to figure this out.

 

[Conservative Hippie]

I just remembered a quote from that great philosophical classic, Eat, Pray, Love. "Having a baby is like getting a tattoo on your face. You really need to be certain it's what you want before you commit."

 

[Ember]

I think one thing I disagree with is the fact that the OP was too young to make the choice to be child-free. She was old enough to commit for life to another person, but too young to take that commitment seriously? Because that seems to be the implication... She and her DH discussed this, and they reached an agreement on the issue. I definitely think a open and honest conversation is in order, because no topic should be taboo in a marriage, but I think claiming the OP's decision was made in haste does her a discredit.

Also, I do find it odd (and I'm speaking generally, not at anyone specifically) that 20 would be too young to make the choice to be child-free but not to young to have children. Quite frankly, the "what if you change your mind" argument seems a lot more serious in its repercussions if the person with the child changes their mind about wanting them...

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

The main reason he doesn't want to have kids, and the reason I agree with, is that our society is really messed up. People are awful and both of us went through really rough childhoods and we wouldn't ever want to subject another person to that.

You know you can teach little kids to be good people... and you are both deeply aware of past wrongs against the two of you... What's going to stop you guys from creating a great little addition to society.

Not having a child because the outside world is cruel and mean is not a solid reason. Society has been messed up for years.

I've read several of your posts on here and you seem like an extremely level-headed person with good values. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.

The want to have kids, like PP have said, it's what keeps the world going.

This is a discussion that you guys need to have. You mentioned the lack of children is a sacrifice you'd just have to deal with. You need to address this. That "sacrifice" can turn into resentment. You guys need to talk about it. And it needs to be a real discussion - not an argument.

 

[golfgal]

I did get married at 18.. and I'm even more in love with DH than I was the day we got married! The main reason he doesn't want to have kids, and the reason I agree with, is that our society is really messed up. People are awful and both of us went through really rough childhoods and we wouldn't ever want to subject another person to that.

I mean, I do still agree with that reasoning. Completely. People are awful and I'm reminded almost every day of this from just turning on the news. But, I just have a strange biological urge I guess is the best way to put it!

I'll talk to DH about it. I just don't want him to worry that I'll hold a grudge against him.

We are still young.. I guess I have another 13-14 years to safely reproduce.. I guess I just never thought I'd have a biological urge like this.

I think if you ask people from generations past they would all have some aspect of their society being "messed up". Quite honestly, is it REALLY that bad? So what if you had bad childhoods, change that now and do something positive. I strongly disagree that people are awful and it is really a narrow, uneducated view of the world. Yes SOME people are awful and they make the news but the VAST majority of the world is NOT. I am in no way trying to convince you to have kids or not, just pointing out that if you live your life expecting the worst in people that is exactly what you will get.

 

[golfgal]

I think one thing I disagree with is the fact that the OP was too young to make the choice to be child-free. She was old enough to commit for life to another person, but too young to take that commitment seriously? Because that seems to be the implication... She and her DH discussed this, and they reached an agreement on the issue. I definitely think a open and honest conversation is in order, because no topic should be taboo in a marriage, but I think claiming the OP's decision was made in haste does her a discredit.

Also, I do find it odd (and I'm speaking generally, not at anyone specifically) that 20 would be too young to make the choice to be child-free but not to young to have children. Quite frankly, the "what if you change your mind" argument seems a lot more serious in its repercussions if the person with the child changes their mind about wanting them...

I really do think she was too young. Look back to when you were 18 and how your perception of the world changed. It isn't so much about age but life experiences and their reasoning for not having children points to that. Now, there is nothing wrong with not wanting children but to push it off because the world is messed up just tells me they need to get out and experience the world a little more before you make a lifelong decision like that.

 

[SaraJayne]

Take it personally much? It's not about you. Really. Taken in the abstract (put your thinking cap on), the statement that a 30 year old woman would make a better mother than a 20 year old woman makes obvious sense.

No, it doesn't.

Age really has nothing do with how good of a parent you are.

 

[Ember]

I really do think she was too young. Look back to when you were 18 and how your perception of the world changed. It isn't so much about age but life experiences and their reasoning for not having children points to that. Now, there is nothing wrong with not wanting children but to push it off because the world is messed up just tells me they need to get out and experience the world a little more before you make a lifelong decision like that.

My views have changed and I have grown, definitely. But it still seems hypocritical to be too young to make the choice not to have children, but yet old enough to choose to have them. If you truly do think people are unable to make serious and life altering choices at a young age, then I would suggest again that choosing to have children young would be the worst choice possible. If you're too young to choose for yourself, how can you possibly raise someone else?

By this reasoning, young parents were too young to properly make the choice to have their kids did so in ignorance and foolishness, and this I just can't believe. I've seen too many great parents of every age.

 

[robinb]

And now, as expected, older parents are being slammed . I was 38 when I had my DD and I was a MUCH better parent in my 30's and 40's than I would have been in my 20's. Yeah ... I was tired and sometimes cranky. But my DD keeps me young and like others on this thread I never let being a parent get in the way of all the other things I came to enjoy during my young adult years.

Personally, I think they you can be "too young" to have kids. That doesn't mean that you can't be a good parent or at least muddle through without ruining your kids. I just think that most people are not done growing emotionally and spiritually (not in a religious sense) until they are in their 20's and a more stable person who is comfortable in their own skin makes a better parent. Of course, some people NEVER grow up but that's an exception.

 

[punkin]

My views have changed and I have grown, definitely. But it still seems hypocritical to be too young to make the choice not to have children, but yet old enough to choose to have them. If you truly do think people are unable to make serious and life altering choices at a young age, then I would suggest again that choosing to have children young would be the worst choice possible. If you're too young to choose for yourself, how can you possibly raise someone else?

By this reasoning, young parents were too young to properly make the choice to have their kids did so in ignorance and foolishness, and this I just can't believe. I've seen too many great parents of every age.

I think 18 is really too young to make either choice, but the truth is, only one of these choices is irrevocable.

I agree with all the posters who said OP should talk to her DH about it. They are the only two people whose opinions matter in this case. I will say that I did not want children at 18 (or at 20 for that matter). However by 25 I had a beautiful girl who became the center of my world until her sister was born 6 years later.

 

[gillep]

Also your feelings on the subject may change yet again they have for me. I met DH at 18 and fell madly in love but I did not want kids at all, and DH was not sure. We got married at 23 (we are close in age) at that time I started feeling more maternal urges. At the time we married we both had excellent careers and were very stable in our lives but I knew that I had time to have kids still and wanted to enjoy being married as long as possible. DH and I are open about all subjects and we continued to talk about having kids. Now we are 26(me) and 27 (DH) and we are so happy with our lives the way that they are that neither one of us wants to change things. I have completely lost all of those maternal urges that I felt in my early twenties.

My friends are starting to have children now and that is not changing my mind at all. DH and I love our family just the way it is and we personally don't feel that adding a child to our lives would enrich it. We do however talk about it all the time and neither one of us would ever dream of stopping that. I think you need to re-open the lines of communication on this subject as you both have plenty of time before you make a decision.

 

[msjprincess]

I did get married at 18.. and I'm even more in love with DH than I was the day we got married! The main reason he doesn't want to have kids, and the reason I agree with, is that our society is really messed up. People are awful and both of us went through really rough childhoods and we wouldn't ever want to subject another person to that.

I mean, I do still agree with that reasoning. Completely. People are awful and I'm reminded almost every day of this from just turning on the news. But, I just have a strange biological urge I guess is the best way to put it!

I'll talk to DH about it. I just don't want him to worry that I'll hold a grudge against him.

We are still young.. I guess I have another 13-14 years to safely reproduce.. I guess I just never thought I'd have a biological urge like this.

It's "safe" to reproduce after 33 or 34

 

[Ember]

I think 18 is really too young to make either choice, but the truth is, only one of these choices is irrevocable.

This is more than fair. So long as your belief holds in both directions, then I respect it. It just seemed wrong to be too young in one instance, but not the other.

 

[SaraJayne]

And now, as expected, older parents are being slammed . I was 38 when I had my DD and I was a MUCH better parent in my 30's and 40's than I would have been in my 20's. Yeah ... I was tired and sometimes cranky. But my DD keeps me young and like others on this thread I never let being a parent get in the way of all the other things I came to enjoy during my young adult years.

Personally, I think they you can be "too young" to have kids. That doesn't mean that you can't be a good parent or at least muddle through without ruining your kids. I just think that most people are not done growing emotionally and spiritually (not in a religious sense) until they are in their 20's and a more stable person who is comfortable in their own skin makes a better parent. Of course, some people NEVER grow up but that's an exception.

Robin, I hope you know I'm not slamming "older" parents. My sister, who turns 40 next week, had my adorable niece three years ago yesterday, after 13 years of marriage. She is a great mom, though she has less patience now. That may just be personality though and not related to age.

 

[Magpie]

I did get married at 18.. and I'm even more in love with DH than I was the day we got married! The main reason he doesn't want to have kids, and the reason I agree with, is that our society is really messed up. People are awful and both of us went through really rough childhoods and we wouldn't ever want to subject another person to that.

I mean, I do still agree with that reasoning. Completely. People are awful and I'm reminded almost every day of this from just turning on the news. But, I just have a strange biological urge I guess is the best way to put it!

I'll talk to DH about it. I just don't want him to worry that I'll hold a grudge against him.

We are still young.. I guess I have another 13-14 years to safely reproduce.. I guess I just never thought I'd have a biological urge like this.

Here's something you might want to discuss with your husband, in the abstract... Every child is one more chance to get it right.

A baby is a second chance. I don't mean that in the sense of spoiling it rotten and feeding it candy for dinner every night, because that's what you wish you'd had when you were small. I mean, your baby is a chance to make right the wrongs of your childhood and your husband's. And ultimately, a chance to make right the wrongs of society as a whole, in a small way. Just think - every reasonably well-adjusted, well-loved person is a tangible benefit to the world.

This second chance can even stretch further back than your own childhood. By the time my daughter was a toddler, we could all see that she was her grandmother's mini-me. My mother's childhood was severely abusive, and seeing my daughter grow into a happy, confident young lady is actually helping me have more understanding and compassion for my mother. My daughter is the person my mother could have been, if people had been kind to her. And my mother, in her turn, is (finally!) learning to trust me, as she watches me parent my own daughter.

Take it personally much? It's not about you. Really. Taken in the abstract (put your thinking cap on), the statement that a 30 year old woman would make a better mother than a 20 year old woman makes obvious sense.

No, it doesn't. I had my first baby at 24 and my second at 26. I'm almost 40 now. I can say categorically that while my skills as a parent improved with practice, I would NOT have been a better mom if I'd had my first at 30.

I do not envy the other women on my street with new babies in their thirties and forties. I had my babies, raised them, and now they can practically take care of themselves. It's awesome! I love having teenagers! (My son shoveled the driveway this morning, before school. )

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

(My son shoveled the driveway this morning, before school. )

If you ask my dad... yard work and dishes were his sole reason to have kids!

 

[Mama_Dis]

Take it personally much? It's not about you. Really. Taken in the abstract (put your thinking cap on), the statement that a 30 year old woman would make a better mother than a 20 year old woman makes obvious sense.

Take sarcasm much?

First of all, I took objection to your initial statement which was that people in their twenties aren't capable of being decent parents. Forget good, bad, better or worse, this assertion is so stupid it's ridiculous.

I understand what you are saying that a good parent in their twenties will be a better parent in their thirties. I don't agree with it because it's another blanket statement, but I understand the point you are making.