What's wrong with me??

[katesorad]

Before DH and I got married, we established that we didn't want any children. I know.. we're both young still, and I'm 7 years younger than he is, but we thought we were both very sure about this. Now, DH still has the same stance, but lately, I've been feeling like I want a baby. Every time I see a baby either on TV or one of my friends' children, I guess I just feel sad.. like I really just want to have a baby.

DH is very stern on not reproducing, so I know that a planned baby isn't in the works for us. There are certain things I'm not willing to compromise on, and I accept that this is one of those things that he's not willing to compromise on.

I guess at this point I'm just not sure how what to do with these feelings of wanting to be a mother. Has anyone ever had a similar experience? Any advice for me from anyone with more life experience in general than I have?

 

[Myothername]

You have to decide what is more important to you. AFTER we got married DH said he did not want children. I figured he would get over it but after 5 years he had not. I finally put my foot down and told him if he did not want children then I needed to get out of this marriage while I was still young enough to have children. He saw I was serious and we had a son and of course he fell in love with him as soon as I got pregnant.

 

[Disneyrsh]

sure

 

[Mama-san]

Just curious -what is his issue with reproducing?

 

[katesorad]

Makes sense.. I love my DH and being with him is what I want.. and I would never question that. More than anything, I just don't understand why I'm having feelings of wanting to be a parent all of the sudden. I can accept a life without having children, because that's a sacrifice I guess I'll have to make in my marriage.. I just am not sure why I feel like this.

 

[aaronella]

I had friends who married the same way!! No KIDS!!! They were vegans/enviromentalists and didnt want to subject anyone else to the society we live in. 5 yrs later they both as a team changed their minds and Madelyn is now 6 and they continue to be happy!!!

 

[kwelch10377]

There is nothing wrong with you. I see in your signature that you are 20. I assume you were younger than 20 when you decided that you were ok with not having kids and I must say that is a pretty young age to make that decision. I know several people at that age the said they didn't want kids ever and by their late 20s that was no longer the case.

I think that you just need to be careful and REALLY sure that you are ok with not having kids. It is something that later in life you could really regret and end up blaming your husband.

 

[BCDisneyFanatic]

Well, I think the drive to reproduce is pretty strong in most people...if it wasn't our population would have thinned out pretty quickly!

You must have gotten married really young if you are only twenty now. Most people do a lot of growing up and changing in their twenties and while you may have thought you'd be comfortable not having children as a teenager (really, when you were still a child yourself), I think it's understandable that your feelings might change as you continue to grow an adulthood.

The good news is that your DH is still pretty young, too, and as your couple friends start having children, he might surprise you with a change of heart.

 

[Disneyrsh]

sure

 

[katesorad]

I did get married at 18.. and I'm even more in love with DH than I was the day we got married! The main reason he doesn't want to have kids, and the reason I agree with, is that our society is really messed up. People are awful and both of us went through really rough childhoods and we wouldn't ever want to subject another person to that.

I mean, I do still agree with that reasoning. Completely. People are awful and I'm reminded almost every day of this from just turning on the news. But, I just have a strange biological urge I guess is the best way to put it!

I'll talk to DH about it. I just don't want him to worry that I'll hold a grudge against him.

We are still young.. I guess I have another 13-14 years to safely reproduce.. I guess I just never thought I'd have a biological urge like this.

 

[JessicaR]

Makes sense.. I love my DH and being with him is what I want.. and I would never question that. More than anything, I just don't understand why I'm having feelings of wanting to be a parent all of the sudden. I can accept a life without having children, because that's a sacrifice I guess I'll have to make in my marriage.. I just am not sure why I feel like this.

You're 20 years old. You had no desire to have a baby before and in many women, that desire doesn't hit till they are older. Some women don't feel the pang till they hit 30. At 20 I didn't even desire wanting to be married never-mind a baby. I was 30 when I had my first.

Your husband may change his mind. I think it was premature to decide at such a young age that you didn't want children at all. Our bodies/hormones have other plans sometimes.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

Would you and our husband consider adoption? It's not the same thing, but it's something.

 

[AKL_Megs]

We NEVER wanted kids. It just wasn't in our plans. DINKS for life!

Then, something just changed. We just decided we wanted to share our life, watch someone grow up, be a "family".

I'm now three months pregnant, and it's so strange how excited we are to be PARENTS! I never thought it would've something we would ever do.

I'm so anxious to be a mom, but even more so, I can't wait to watch my husband be a dad!

 

[Jennasis]

DH and I married with the knowledge and understanding that we were not going to have children. For either one of us to have not been on board with that or to change their mind now would be a deal breaker for both of us.

It was actually this problem that caused my sister's marriage to end and become anulled. When they got married, he wanted kids and she said she'd be okay with it someday. Well, she wasn't okay with it...ever. Particularly with HIM (total loser). She filed for divorce (for other reasons) and after, HE had the marriage anulled, claiming she "lied" and that they married under false pretenses of being able to one day have a family.

 

[Rumpus]

I did get married at 18.. and I'm even more in love with DH than I was the day we got married! The main reason he doesn't want to have kids, and the reason I agree with, is that our society is really messed up. People are awful and both of us went through really rough childhoods and we wouldn't ever want to subject another person to that.

I mean, I do still agree with that reasoning. Completely. People are awful and I'm reminded almost every day of this from just turning on the news. But, I just have a strange biological urge I guess is the best way to put it!

I'll talk to DH about it. I just don't want him to worry that I'll hold a grudge against him.

We are still young.. I guess I have another 13-14 years to safely reproduce.. I guess I just never thought I'd have a biological urge like this.

Your answer really makes me a bit sad. You both sound like caring, sensitive people, and while "parts of society" is messed up, there are some very good, loving people in this world. You could be part of that set. You both could be wonderful parents. A decision to have or not have children should not be made on an ideological or philosophical basis, but whether or not either or both of you would enjoy parenthood and be loving, giving parents. It is caring, loving and giving parents that produce loving, caring, giving children who in turn contribute to society and make the world a better place going forward. What we like in our teens and early 20's is almost always much different as we move forward in life. Don't shut a door on parenthood at this point in your life. If at some point your desire to be a mother becomes paramount, you will need to make a decision. Men have the ability to "change their minds" through much of their adolescent and adult lives. Women do not. A life of resentment for a dream unfulfilled doesn't make for a happy marriage later in life.

 

[Buckalew11]

At 20 I didn't want kids either. At 29 we tried to have a baby. I have one. Love her to death but one was just right for me.

I hope you all can work through this. The want may get worse as you get older. Maybe adoption? Otherwise, find a friend who has kids and love'em or find a child who needs love and share it.

 

[LuvOrlando]

First off, there is nothing wrong with you and I have to wonder why you think that your feelings are somehow wrong? I didn't even decide to have kids until 27 and loads of women are making these choices later in life so how could you expect yourself to make such a decision under the age of 20? I don't think you are being fair to yourself

 

[Handbag Lady]

There is nothing wrong with you. You are going through a very normal phase. I went through the same thing.

I also married with the intention of not having children. I am 42 and still don't have them. It goes in hills and valleys with me. I really want them, then I don't. Then I do. It is very normal for me. I suspect that if I did get pregnant during one of these times, I would be really happy and thrilled. But, it is okay that I don't have kids now.

All I can tell you is to do what I do. I discuss it and talk out the feelings. Sometimes my husband is like yours and very sure he doesn't want them. At other times, even he thinks about the what ifs.

I can tell you that I really enjoy to travel. But, I was raised by a family that vacationed often so I expect that if I had kids, they'd just come along like I did when I was a kid.

 

[ma2nojo]

Makes sense.. I love my DH and being with him is what I want.. and I would never question that. More than anything, I just don't understand why I'm having feelings of wanting to be a parent all of the sudden. I can accept a life without having children, because that's a sacrifice I guess I'll have to make in my marriage.. I just am not sure why I feel like this.

Please, please reread what you just wrote. You just wrote that not having children is a sacrifice you will have to make. I have friends that have no desire whatsoever to have children and they never once called it a sacrifice. Sacrifice sounds like something you really want, something valuable, but are going to give up. If you are having these feelings it's natural and I think a good indicator of what you want.

I'm going to sound old but I'll say it.... If I only knew then (your age) what I know now.... life would have been very different. I would have been dangerous! How you feel, act, think at 20 is pretty different than how you will feel, act, think when you are older. Thank God! It's called change. Will you feel the same in 10 years? 20 years?

I didn't get married until I was 28 and had my first child at 31. I enjoyed my 20's and then decided to "settle down."

 

[AKL_Megs]

Wait... You are only 20? Oh my goodness, you have YEARS to have kids! Be MARRIED for a while! You are so young!