What's a "successful life"?

[SpaceMan5]

Nobody wants to appear shallow and say "I've reached financial independence" or " "I'm at the peak of my career". It looks better to say people love me therefore I'm successful.

Speaking just for myself, I never thought of it this way. For me me it was living up to others previous expectations

There was not a high degree of "expectations" placed on me. Sometimes I wish there was because I might have tried harder. I feel that I set my own expectations and honestly I don't think I have lived up to many of them. It's to late now to be remorseful about it, but it does enter my mind from time to time.

The one traumatic thing that I can think of had to more to do with talent then achievement. My Dad had a beautiful voice and he acknowledged that for himself. He was asked to sing at weddings, church choir solo's and many other things. Most of the family (my fathers side) were musical. He had been compared to Enrico Caruso** for voice quality.

I was so intimidated by that fact that I couldn't allow anyone besides myself or my mother whom I knew would always tell me what a great voice I had to hear it. That meant that most of the rest of the world never got to hear me because I didn't have that confidence required to put oneself out there for judgement.

I loved music and I have kicked myself in the butt over the years for not joining into chorus's or quartets. I was, at one time, the youngest person to ever be a member of a national organization of Barbershop Singing when I was 12 years old (SPEBSQSA). My dad was a member and brought me in. I was fine with the chorus because I know I was just one voice in many, but was never able to join in when it was my voice that had to carry that part of harmony all by myself. All I needed was a little self assurance that I was good (at least). But even when I heard it, I could not believe it. Now that I'm old my voice, or what is left of it, is something that even I don't like to hear.

All that said, what I feel at this point in my life, I was not a colossal failure but I certainly had bigger expectations about everything but blame myself because I was never willing to put the extra effort beyond what I was comfortable with or felt that I could achieve personally. I kept the Bar Low intentionally.

**I didn't know who that was except that he was an old timey highly praised Operatic Tenor from back in the early 20th century.

Thanks for sharing, it was very heartfelt.
You were hard on yourself at a young age and still kinda that way now. Maybe your voice isn't as bad as you think?
And if singing is not in the cards what about teaching/volunteering your time to something relating to music. I bet you have a lot of knowledge that can be passed down.

 

[DCLMP]

To answer OP's original question "can you go from considering a life a success to not"?

I will say that four years ago I felt super successful. Now I just feel like I'm swimming upstream. I guess there's a part of me that measures success by how easy and stress-free life is and it hasn't been that way the last few years.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I think the definition of success is going to vary greatly based on one’s values and goals. Someone who values money is going to see high salary as successful, whereas those who value love would save a love-filled life is a success.

For me, I heard this quote for the first time back when I was in high school and hung it on my wall. (I printed it with my dot matrix printer to put the time into perspective). I still find it to be a wise description:

“To laugh often and love much:
To win respect of intelligent people
And the affection of children;
To earn the approbation of honest critics
And endure the betrayal of false friends;
To appreciate beauty;
To find the best in others;
To give one’s self;
To leave the world a little better,
Whether by a healthy child,
A garden patch,
Or redeemed social condition;
To have played and laughed with enthusiasm
And sung with exultation;
To know even one life has breathed easier
Because you have lived…
This is to have succeeded. ” -Emerson

I love this! Thanks for sharing!

There was not a high degree of "expectations" placed on me. Sometimes I wish there was because I might have tried harder. I feel that I set my own expectations and honestly I don't think I have lived up to many of them. It's to late now to be remorseful about it, but it does enter my mind from time to time.

The one traumatic thing that I can think of had to more to do with talent then achievement. My Dad had a beautiful voice and he acknowledged that for himself. He was asked to sing at weddings, church choir solo's and many other things. Most of the family (my fathers side) were musical. He had been compared to Enrico Caruso** for voice quality.

I was so intimidated by that fact that I couldn't allow anyone besides myself or my mother whom I knew would always tell me what a great voice I had to hear it. That meant that most of the rest of the world never got to hear me because I didn't have that confidence required to put oneself out there for judgement.

I loved music and I have kicked myself in the butt over the years for not joining into chorus's or quartets. I was, at one time, the youngest person to ever be a member of a national organization of Barbershop Singing when I was 12 years old (SPEBSQSA). My dad was a member and brought me in. I was fine with the chorus because I know I was just one voice in many, but was never able to join in when it was my voice that had to carry that part of harmony all by myself. All I needed was a little self assurance that I was good (at least). But even when I heard it, I could not believe it. Now that I'm old my voice, or what is left of it, is something that even I don't like to hear.

All that said, what I feel at this point in my life, I was not a colossal failure but I certainly had bigger expectations about everything but blame myself because I was never willing to put the extra effort beyond what I was comfortable with or felt that I could achieve personally. I kept the Bar Low intentionally.

**I didn't know who that was except that he was an old timey highly praised Operatic Tenor from back in the early 20th century.

You are a good writer. Why not join a barbershop-type group now? Even if you’re rusty, maybe with some practice and confidence, it might come back! Sounds like a fun way to meet people, too.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I’ve given this some thought. And I think I’ve been successful in some aspects but unsuccessful in others. The successes outweigh the unsuccessful.

I’ve been successful in raising children alone, my career and financially (meaning I stay within my means and have my needs taken care of).

I’ve been unsuccessful in close friendships and romantic relationships.

I’m glad you’ve been able to identify some successes you didn’t think you had. You are a nice person.

 

[ronandannette]

It’s not about what I did or didn’t do or have or didn’t have, or my subjective failures or successes. It’s about whether or not I walked through this world with the character I intended, and I guess there will be no way to know for sure until it’s over. For me, every minute of every day is about being able to characterize my life like this.
“...I am already being poured out like an offering and the time of my departure is at hand. I have fought the good fight, I have run the race and I have kept the faith.”
St. Paul the Apostle 2Tim. 4:6-7

 

[ronandannette]

To answer OP's original question "can you go from considering a life a success to not"?

I will say that four years ago I felt super successful. Now I just feel like I'm swimming upstream. I guess there's a part of me that measures success by how easy and stress-free life is and it hasn't been that way the last few years.

Such are the vagaries of life; nobody gets out unscathed. Nothing is 100% secure, no matter how hard we’ve tried to secure it. We’re really in control of so little. Personally, I look back on so many seasons and wish I could have just freeze-framed them forever. But alas, things change and will almost certainly change again and you may well look back, when these current circumstances resolve, and consider surviving them one of your greatest successes.

 

[Disneylover99]

Answering the actual question, I don't know. I'm also looking at it from the angle of "at my funeral, will folks say 'he had a successful life'"?

Do people really think about this or say this at funerals?

I mean, when you’re really old, people often say, he/she had a good long life. There’s a certain contentment to a passing when someone is elderly. But otherwise, I wouldn’t talk about or probably even think about their life in terms of being a success at their funeral.

 

[TwoMisfits]

It’s not about what I did or didn’t do or have or didn’t have, or my subjective failures or successes. It’s about whether or not I walked through this world with the character I intended, and I guess there will be no way to know for sure until it’s over. For me, every minute of every day is about being able to characterize my life like this.
“...I am already being poured out like an offering and the time of my departure is at hand. I have fought the good fight, I have run the race and I have kept the faith.”
St. Paul the Apostle 2Tim. 4:6-7

I was gonna say Mother Theresa (now Saint Theresa of Calcutta) is my example of a successful life.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

There’s probably a difference when looking at life “in an entirety” as opposed to looking at a life’s individual successes.

In my way of thinking, everyone is successful at something. Maybe some are more successful than others in many things, but eh, so what. There’s no reason we can’t play up the small successes.

Actually, the thing that matters most to me, when looking at someone’s life, is whether they were a good person.

I once had a patient who found out he was dying. And he was really distraught about it when I came in for my shift. The thing that he was most concerned with was that he hadn’t attended religious services regularly. I was like (pardon me for not using quotes), is that all you’re worried about? Because to me, there’s way more to life than that. Were you a good person? He said yes, he thought he was, and we spent some time talking about ways in which he was a good person, and how some people sitting in services may not be the best people, necessarily, or have done things not so great, too, etc. Well he was so relieved, he called me his angel, because it helped him see, at least what I (someone who’d spent months with him in the hospital where we became close) thought, was really important in life. I don’t know if it wasn’t something he thought about while he lived his life, but I was glad to be able to help him see it toward the end.

So for those who aren’t sure about their ”successes”, are you a good person? If not, there’s time to become one. Baby steps. If that’s not your cup of tea, then that’s ok too. ETA: And if you are, that’s a big success!

This sort of brings us to the question of, what is life all about anyway? Everyone has their beliefs, probably. I have mine. And I do think that goodness is something that’s pretty important in this life. Something that so many these days seem to have neglected.

 

[Genie+]

In the end you’re only in competition with yourself. Everything is relative - love, success, beauty, whatever. Quality can be more important than quantity. Tolerance can be the difference between a comfortable or uncomfortable life.

 

[goofyernmost]

I love this! Thanks for sharing!


You are a good writer. Why not join a barbershop-type group now? Even if you’re rusty, maybe with some practice and confidence, it might come back! Sounds like a fun way to meet people, too.

To be honest, I still don't have the confidence. When I was in the Barbershoppers years ago it was just for fun. A bunch of guys got together and sang 4 part harmony. I tried joining again when I was married and as luck would have it the Chapter had a audition system. If that wasn't bad enough the guy you auditioned for was a fellow named Verne Reed. For those that are familiar with the original Broadway show and movie "The Music Man" Verne Reed was a tenor and was part of the Quartet, The Buffalo Bills. They were the members of the town council of the fictitious town of River City, Iowa. He and the group were in the original Broadway play and movie and they were regular guests on the Arthur Godfrey radio program.

Listen I know that none of this is making any sense to the vast majority of you that are not as old as dirt, but to people like me (other Barbershoppers), Verne was a god to us. A thing that all of us wanted to be. By the time he got involved with our local group their quartet had broken up (actually half of them were dead) but I was so gobsmacked by him that I blew the audition and never tried again.

As a strange outcome, after he and the group went their separate ways he bought out a leather goods store in our downtown area and used to have a booth showing his goods (leather bags, belts and handbags, etc.) at our state fair. Every year I'd go and spend hours asking about what it was like to be in a movie like that and on Broadway and he had so many stories. I never mentioned to him that he rejected me a few years previous to that. By another strange twist of fate, my wife was an RN and for a while she worked at a local Alsheimer facility and he ended up a patient their. All those stories he told me, all those events and places and people he worked with were no longer accessible to his brain. She said they used to have to stop him when he tried to leave saying he was on his way to rehearse with the boys. All that life, gone to him. Maybe it was better that way, but I fail to see how. Verne Reed is the short fellow on the left.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

To be honest, I still don't have the confidence. When I was in the Barbershoppers years ago it was just for fun. A bunch of guys got together and sang 4 part harmony. I tried joining again when I was married and as luck would have it the Chapter had a audition system. If that wasn't bad enough the guy you auditioned for was a fellow named Verne Reed. For those that are familiar with the original Broadway show and movie "The Music Man" Verne Reed was a tenor and was part of the Quartet, The Buffalo Bills. They were the members of the town council of the fictitious town of River City, Iowa. He and the group were in the original Broadway play and movie and they were regular guests on the Arthur Godfrey radio program.

Listen I know that none of this is making any sense to the vast majority of you that are not as old as dirt, but to people like me (other Barbershoppers), Verne was a god to us. A thing that all of us wanted to be. By the time he got involved with our local group their quartet had broken up (actually half of them were dead) but I was so gobsmacked by him that I blew the audition and never tried again.

As a strange outcome, after he and the group went their separate ways he bought out a leather goods store in our downtown area and used to have a booth showing his goods (leather bags, belts and handbags, etc.) at our state fair. Every year I'd go and spend hours asking about what it was like to be in a movie like that and on Broadway and he had so many stories. I never mentioned to him that he rejected me a few years previous to that. By another strange twist of fate, my wife was an RN and for a while she worked at a local Alsheimer facility and he ended up a patient their. All those stories he told me, all those events and places and people he worked with were no longer accessible to his brain. She said they used to have to stop him when he tried to leave saying he was on his way to rehearse with the boys. All that life, gone to him. Maybe it was better that way, but I fail to see how. Verne Reed is the short fellow on the left.

Things change. Maybe there’s a group that’s not so stringent now.

 

[Lord Manhammer]

To be honest, I still don't have the confidence. When I was in the Barbershoppers years ago it was just for fun. A bunch of guys got together and sang 4 part harmony. I tried joining again when I was married and as luck would have it the Chapter had a audition system. If that wasn't bad enough the guy you auditioned for was a fellow named Verne Reed. For those that are familiar with the original Broadway show and movie "The Music Man" Verne Reed was a tenor and was part of the Quartet, The Buffalo Bills. They were the members of the town council of the fictitious town of River City, Iowa. He and the group were in the original Broadway play and movie and they were regular guests on the Arthur Godfrey radio program.

Listen I know that none of this is making any sense to the vast majority of you that are not as old as dirt, but to people like me (other Barbershoppers), Verne was a god to us. A thing that all of us wanted to be. By the time he got involved with our local group their quartet had broken up (actually half of them were dead) but I was so gobsmacked by him that I blew the audition and never tried again.

As a strange outcome, after he and the group went their separate ways he bought out a leather goods store in our downtown area and used to have a booth showing his goods (leather bags, belts and handbags, etc.) at our state fair. Every year I'd go and spend hours asking about what it was like to be in a movie like that and on Broadway and he had so many stories. I never mentioned to him that he rejected me a few years previous to that. By another strange twist of fate, my wife was an RN and for a while she worked at a local Alsheimer facility and he ended up a patient their. All those stories he told me, all those events and places and people he worked with were no longer accessible to his brain. She said they used to have to stop him when he tried to leave saying he was on his way to rehearse with the boys. All that life, gone to him. Maybe it was better that way, but I fail to see how. Verne Reed is the short fellow on the left.

Look dude, you need to just go for it. I've spent decades wanting to join an actual barbershop ensemble. And as of last night, I am a member of the Hamptones, a barbershop quintet in W. Mass. We probably won't compete and we're a LONG way from performing, but we're 5 guys who all love music and love singing and that's what we do. My confidence sucks. I don't think I can sing. But you know what? My group embraced me. Life is too short, @goofyernmost , if you really want to sing, just do it.

And I loved the Vern Reed stories. I studied him when in grad school as my Phd was on the Musical.

 

[BayouQueen]

I am in my 70s. For me, my life will be successful if after I am gone, no one will say that I knowingly hurt them in any way.

Reading through the thread, this response by NannyBeBe resonates most with me.

There are a lot of responses that might feel true to the individual, but can't be universally applied. Like happiness equaling success. My mom probably was never happy a single day, because of many challenges out of her control, including chronic illness and pain, yet she by any measure had a successful life. She was respected in her profession, had healthy relationships, and was a very good mother who left a trail of love behind her.

Very thought-provoking thread with many great responses.

 

[goofyernmost]

Things change. Maybe there’s a group that’s not so stringent now.

Yes, things do change and some of them are my vocal cords. I can hear my own voice and it may have been good 50 years ago, but at 75 it has aged. Even my Dad's gave out on him when he got in his 70's. I have sent a lot of words out through those cords over the years, there a little stretched now. I have come to terms with it, I have accepted that it didn't happen and that it was my own fault. I figure if that is the worse thing I did to avoid success (it wasn't) then I am OK. I still am OK because one thing I have done is live way past a lot of people that I (and they) felt were going to outlive me by a big amount. I am officially to damn old to die young anymore but I am going to see how many more of those unlikely years I can add to the total.

 

[SpaceMan5]

Look dude, you need to just go for it. I've spent decades wanting to join an actual barbershop ensemble. And as of last night, I am a member of the Hamptones, a barbershop quintet in W. Mass. We probably won't compete and we're a LONG way from performing, but we're 5 guys who all love music and love singing and that's what we do. My confidence sucks. I don't think I can sing. But you know what? My group embraced me. Life is too short, @goofyernmost , if you really want to sing, just do it.

And I loved the Vern Reed stories. I studied him when in grad school as my Phd was on the Musical.

@goofyernmost - THIS!

To borrow a Nike/Michael Jordan 1991 tag line "Be like Mike"
In this case "Be like L. Manhammer"

And another famous Nike slogan "Just Do It"

 

[Kimkimba]

To me, a successful life is a happy life. If you are happy, you are successful because nothing matters if you’re not happy.

 

[DCLMP]

To me, a successful life is a happy life. If you are happy, you are successful because nothing matters if you’re not happy.

What about making other people happy?

 

[Genie+]

Yes, things do change and some of them are my vocal cords. I can hear my own voice and it may have been good 50 years ago, but at 75 it has aged. Even my Dad's gave out on him when he got in his 70's. I have sent a lot of words out through those cords over the years, there a little stretched now. I have come to terms with it, I have accepted that it didn't happen and that it was my own fault. I figure if that is the worse thing I did to avoid success (it wasn't) then I am OK. I still am OK because one thing I have done is live way past a lot of people that I (and they) felt were going to outlive me by a big amount. I am officially to damn old to die young anymore but I am going to see how many more of those unlikely years I can add to the total.

Last week my 20yo son took a bus into NYC to buy this new album


We all listened to the record player together last weekend. Roger Waters about 80yo. No he does not have the voice he once did. But he put it out there and we appreciated it.

It doesn’t hurt to try. What’s the worst that could happen? You meet up with some people and it doesn’t work out. but you went on an adventure and surely experienced something new along the way. What if it does work out? You may be surprised to find others who just want to do it, don’t need to be perfect, just enjoy practicing, improving and enjoying something they love together. You’re a pleasure to see around the boards - Truly. Go for it!

 

[lisaviolet]

Such are the vagaries of life; nobody gets out unscathed. Nothing is 100% secure, no matter how hard we’ve tried to secure it. We’re really in control of so little. Personally, I look back on so many seasons and wish I could have just freeze-framed them forever. But alas, things change and will almost certainly change again and you may well look back, when these current circumstances resolve, and consider surviving them one of your greatest successes.

What a beautiful & thoughtful post Annette.