What would you do if...

[morethananyonex]

You can't compare a 21 year old getting pregnant with a 15 year old getting pregnant. By the time my dd is 21 she will presumbly be finishing up her last year of college, and able to financially support herself and her needs. At 15 she can't even drive herself and her baby to the doctors. The circumstances are apples and oranges.

The feelings of fear of the unknown and your life doing a complete 180 don't go away when you're 21 with an unplanned pregnancy as opposed to 15. My point was I can't imagine going through a pregnancy and parenthood at that age and not having the support of your parents, because I personally know how much it means.

 

[morethananyonex]

I think her point was that if even as 21 year old needed the love and support of her parents, a 15 year old would need that as much if not more.

Yes, that's exactly what I meant .

 

[mjkacmom]

And for many the Plan B plan is just another form of abortion, so for many that is against what they believe.

No, it's not. It is to prevent pregnancy, just like the pill. If you are pregnant, and take it, you will still be pregnant.

 

[epcot.girl]

We could probably do a poll and I betcha a good majority of people were not told what could reduce the effective of BC by either their Dr or pharmacist. I know when I was a tech I would point out the bright red sticker and people were shocked. I have been to several OB/GYN in my life and I think about 1/2 talked to me about the BC they prescribed...so yeah maybe in the UK it is something that is more talked about.

You'd think doctors and PP would at least be making sure females know these things. I think simple education (in the UK too - we've got our own teen pregnancy issues) and maybe a change in attitude towards sex so it's not such a taboo subject could go far in reducing teen pregnancy rate.

I will say though that this subject is pushing me back to the 'no kids' stance I hadn't even entertained the possibility of them coming home as teenagers and telling me they (or the girl they had sex with) was pregnant. Parenting is not a job to be taken lightly!

 

[alex9179]

I would only suppport adoption if BOTH parents where in agreement, what would you do if your relative chose to adopt and the father took custody of the baby as would be his right? Father's count as well as mothers.

You quoted me, although I'm not sure if you're actually asking me since I used the word "people". Throughout our experience, it never occurred to me that an adoption could take place without both parents' rights being terminated whether it was voluntary or involuntary. In my state, the father on the birth certificate is the presumed father, so if that isn't correct information then there could be an adoption without the actual birth father's consent. The presumed father can insist on a paternity test, but it's not routine to double check so you're counting on people telling the truth.

My relative chose to relinquish her rights instead of risk having them terminated by the court (again, long story). Her husband's rights were terminated in court the year before. Prior to that he did ask why his family (his mom, he wasn't interested in the responsibility) couldn't take custody of the kids several months after they moved in with us but since they were only able to take care of the older two siblings that was deemed unacceptable. If CPS can keep siblings together, that's the route they will go.
The father was given a last chance to step up as a parent, and decided to not take part in his case plan.

We have an open adoption. We see our relative regularly and, since my husband is her uncle, we spend time with that side of the family. I have contact with the kids' paternal grandmother, as well. The father is a criminal and we do not have contact for this and other reasons. The expectations and the relationships have not been easy, which is why I caution those entering into something like this. Boundaries have to be clear and enforced...no fun.

Our situation is very different from the situation the OP is asking about but I would expect both parents to make an effort to care for the child. In a case where only one stepped up to his/her responsibilities I would do my best to be supportive. If both parents don't then someone needs to intervene with guardianship or adoption, whether kin or not. I would advise adoption since it provides more legal protection for the newer parents and the kids, in my experience.

In our case, the chief concern will always be the best interest of the children, then our immediate family. All the other relatives, and their wants are down the line.

 

[luvmy3]

The feelings of fear of the unknown and your life doing a complete 180 don't go away when you're 21 with an unplanned pregnancy as opposed to 15. My point was I can't imagine going through a pregnancy and parenthood at that age and not having the support of your parents, because I personally know how much it means.

And to me part of that support is to let my dd know exactly what being a parent means, and that means preparing them for the reality of parenthood since that is what they are choosing.

 

[jennyjinx3]

I would certainly handle it better if she said she was keeping it rather than giving it away for adoption!!! Giving it away would be unacceptable to me!
I would tell her I still expected her to finish school, I would watch my grandchild during the day while she went to school and for any type of school function. I would get a lawyer to make sure the babys father/or his parents contribute financially. I certainly would not be thrilled with the whole situtation but if it has already happened I would just make the best of it.

This.

 

[Robindianne]

I agree.

As I alluded to in previous posts in this thread, I found myself pregnant recently. I have always, always, ALWAYS said that if I were to get pregnant I would abort. Without hesitation. At this point in our (mine and DH) lives it would be a complete disaster. We don't have enough money, we'd have to move - we rent an absolutely tiny apartment with no children allowed. Only one of us is working, while the other has returned to university full time. I'm not sure I ever want kids anyway! I was sure I'd be completely fine about it all too.

Well, I got pregnant. At first I was horrified. But after a few days I started to wonder. And we talked about it. If I was a less logical person, I would have possibly continued the pregnancy, but in the end my logic won out. It was unpleasant, and afterwards I got incredibly upset. At first it was definitely the hormones, but then it became more a general upset at the situation. It didn't help that I had some other stuff going on at the time that meant I couldn't get away from the subject matter of reproduction.

That was only several weeks ago, but it's changed me. I've gone from 'no kids ever' to 'kids?'. That's the hardest part for me. It's made me question myself. I reacted to the pregnancy in every way I thought I wouldn't (apart from the actual termination). I know I'll always wonder 'what if' but the same would apply if I'd continued the pregnancy.

One thing that made the whole ordeal easier? Knowing the choice was mine to make. It had to be. Of course DH and I spoke about it, but he was absolutely adamant that it had to be my decision because no matter what it was my body. Surprisingly, talking about the possibility of continuing the pregnancy and how we would make it work is what made it a little easier to know I was making the right decision in not continuing the pregnancy.

 

[sbell111]

I'm a dad to a great little girl (and a boy). While my kids are far too young for me to be at all concerned about the OP's hypothetical scenario, I have seen how people close to me have handled similar situations and do believe that I have a good understanding of the issues.

As a parent, it's my job to raise my kids to make good decisions, including avoiding pregnancy until one is ready for it. That being said, things happen.

If my daughter comes to me at age 15 and tells me that she is pregnant, part of me will be disappointed, hurt, and distraught due to my failing her. With any luck, she will not perceive any of this and only see my love and acceptance and desire for all of us to adjust to the new reality as a family.

Whether she kept the baby, gave it to adoption, or aborted it would be her decision and would not affect our love and acceptance of her (or the baby). Further, I would never push her toward aborting or giving up the baby, perhaps for selfish reasons. Never would I ever consider threatening her in that situation.

Her having the baby at that age would also certainly not affect our spoiling the baby and ensuring that it has absolutely every nicety that we can provide it. We would also give her every assistance as far as childcare, etc while continuing to try to raise her to make good, responsible decisions that factor in her new reality.

 

[morethananyonex]

And to me part of that support is to let my dd know exactly what being a parent means, and that means preparing them for the reality of parenthood since that is what they are choosing.

Have you ever found yourself pregnant at a young age?

I can tell you being kicked out of the house does not send a message of "we support you and are here for you". I think the reality of parenthood is loving and supporting your child no matter what they do and the mistakes they make, and there's no better way to teach then by example, in my opinion.

 

[Fly4free]

I am so saddened by some of these responses. Forcing your child to have an abortion. That is absolutley disgusting. Sure, you say that you wouldn't hold them down while the baby is ripped out of her, but you would darn sure make it her only choice. I can't imagine the wrath they would endure if they didn't do what you wanted. Give them the option, if that is what you believe in, fine. But to force them? Sounds like some people have control issues.

Kicking your 15 year old pregnant daughter out on the streets? As a parent we should love our children unconditionally. This does not mean that we have to agree with their decisions or be happy about them, but by kicking them out, without any resources, a place to live, a dollar in their pocket is the epitome of rejection. Go on and say how you love your child but you aren't supporting their bad choice. You really think your 15 year old daughter would feel that way?

Nope, she would feel rejected, unloved and all alone. Don't be surprised if you never speak to her again or ever see your grandchild. I guess you would be perfectly fine with her living on the streets, sucking off the state, heck maybe for good measure she could become a prostitute to earn a living. You sure as heck didn't give her any other choices. I guess some people would be fine with that though. After all, they aren't in your house anymore, so it's not your problem.


If this were my daughter, I would love and support her. I would talk it out with her, discuss all the options and the ramifications of each. If she decided to keep the child, I would help her get a game plan together that would enable her to finish school and get a college education so that she could work towards becoming an independent, strong, single mother. I would do what ever I could to make sure that my child is successful and that my grandchild is raised by a mother he or she could be proud of. One mistake, one misstep should not spell ruin for the rest of her life. We all make mistakes and I thank God that my parents were there to help me through them and didn't throw me to the wayside.

If she choose adoption I would do what ever I could to assist her in the endeavor, making sure that she understood the long lasting effects of it on both herself and her child. It is her child, her body and her decision. I am there to support her, not control her and force her into making decisions that she is not comfortable with.

I would my best to help my child figure out what is best for them and for the baby. No easy decision with a situation like this. After getting medical checkup for pg teen. I would get the future grandparents together to see where everyone stands.

 

[sbell111]

And to me part of that support is to let my dd know exactly what being a parent means, and that means preparing them for the reality of parenthood since that is what they are choosing.

The best way to teach your children how to be a good parent is to be a good parent their entire lives. Applying pressure once the train goes off the track so they are basically forced to make the decision that you favor is not a behavior that you really want them to model.

 

[morethananyonex]

The best way to teach your children how to be a good parent is to be a good parent their entire lives. Applying pressure so they are basically forced to make the decision that you favor once the train goes off the track is not a behavior that you really want them to model.

That is exactly my thinking as well. I don't want my son to grow up thinking a parent abandons their child when things get tough and supports them only if they agree with their decisions.

 

[Colleen27]

I'm sure this won't be popular, but I would strongly advise her to consider terminating the pregnancy. I wouldn't force or coerce the decision (ie threatening to kick her out or withholding financial support or anything like that) and I would make it very clear that she has my support no matter what she chooses, but at that age I would see abortion as the least bad of an array of bad choices - adoption comes with all of the same stigma and educational consequences of keeping the baby along with the lifelong questions of where the child is and if he/she is cared for and can be a crap-shoot to accomplish because the father's consent is required, and keeping the baby is a emotional, social, and financial handicap that will follow her for the rest of her life.

I'm not one to sugarcoat reality and the reality of being a young mother isn't pretty, both in the ways everyone thinks about (high odds of poverty, little chance of finishing her education, etc) and in the little ways that don't get much mention (teachers/doctors/other professional won't take her concerns seriously, she'll have a hard time dating/marrying because most guys don't want to take on someone else's kid, when she does meet someone special there's a good chance his family will reject her or treat her child differently/not as family, etc). If one of my daughters came to me pregnant at a young age I would want her to think about all of that before making any decisions.

 

[Colleen27]

He can force her hand in one single way: If she wants to give the baby up for adoption, he can demand that it comes to him instead. And he can demand child support from her.
.

Actually, he has more power than that - he can refuse to consent to adoption without consequence. He doesn't automatically end up with the baby because he prevents an adoption; when the parents are unmarried presumptive custody still rests with the mother. I've see that in action more times than I care to count: the father (usually under immense pressure from his parents) refuses to sign adoption papers, ending the mother's hopes of placing the child with a loving family who wants and is ready for a baby, and then goes on with life more or less as usual. And the mother is left with the choice between raising the child herself or giving it up via 'safe haven' laws without the father's consent, knowing that if the father doesn't assert his rights the baby will end up in foster care.

 

[luvmy3]

The best way to teach your children how to be a good parent is to be a good parent their entire lives. Applying pressure once the train goes off the track so they are basically forced to make the decision that you favor is not a behavior that you really want them to model.

Like I said previously my dd is aware of what would happen if she ended up pregnant as a teen living at home being supported by me and dh. There will be no pressure when the train goes off the track she knows enough now to do her best to keep it on track. If she chooses to to derail herself by becoming a teen parent, then she needs to be prepared for that since she is making the choice that she is responsible enough for the job. She needs to know the reality of being a single mother, and hopefully that will pressure her into making the right decision (which IMO is abortion).


What is that old saying "prepare your child for the path, not the path for your child", that is the best way to teach your child.

 

[Colleen27]

When condoms break there's the morning after pill (known as Plan B in the US I think?). As for the pill, it's made very clear (at least in the UK) what can reduce the effectiveness of OC on the leaflet it comes with in the pack, so if you're sick or taking antibiotics you know to use extra protection. These also contribute to being very good about birth control.

Unfortunately we're sort of in the dark ages on such things over here. Many view Plan B as a very early abortion, despite the science of how it works, and while it is readily available to adults teens need a doctor's visit and a prescription. With such a limited window of effectiveness the need to get in to see a doctor effectively excludes many teens from using it.

Likewise, our sex ed programs in school suck and most teens are ignorant about interactions such as the pill and antibiotics. To further complicate matters, many go to clinics rather than their family doctor or pharmacy when they choose to obtain contraceptives so their family doctor is often unaware that the teen is on birth control when s/he writes the script for the antibiotic.

 

[luvsJack]

There is no comparison between a 24 year old adult who has been supporting herself moving back home because of a dangerous condition in her current apt and your 15 year old teenager living under your roof.



but you think that because you don't agree, it still doesn't excuse the nastiness of your comment to her. She is talking about a hypothetcial dd, you are talking to a real person.



My opinion is that if more parents were a little tougher with their "support" there wouldn't be a pregnant teen to throw out. Maybe if more girls knew that their parents wouldn't be there to support them financially they would choose abortion, or adoption over becoming a parent themself. IMO, that is the best option.

And no I don't see it as forcing them, they are getting a choice, they can have the baby or they can have an abortion. If they are old enough to choose to be a parent, then they are old enough to deal with the consequences of that. In some cases its being totally on your own.

Having a choice means having other options. You are taking away her options by threatening to throw her out.

The days of shaming the pregnant teen and making her move away and either attend a school for unwed mothers or live with great-aunt edna until the baby comes have passed. And so have the days of girls sneaking off and having illegal abortions in some back alley. THOSE tactics didn't prevent it, why do you think making them homeless will?


IMHO, dealing with teens in something like this is a tricky line. They are old enough to get pregnant because their body says they are. They are young enough to still make dumb choices and GET pregnant. They are too young to really be a parent, but they are old enough to have their own belief system that may be different than mom and dad's.

IMHO, the decision must be one that the girl, boy and both sets of parents come to together. Its her body. Its their baby.

Personally, I would hope for adoption but I wouldn't force it.

I wouldn't make things oh, so easy for dd. But, I wouldn't go so far as to say her life is over. I wouldn't say that my grandchild is going to do without or even only have the basics. I wouldn't tell her that she isn't going to have a social life, don't other parents have a social life? She can get a sitter just like anyone else, whether it be me, his parents or someone else--as long as she asks and doesn't expect it. I would make my own choice to support her and the baby long enough for her to finish her education. Simply because that is the quickest way to make sure she is able to support the child in the future.

 

[SaraJayne]

Have you ever found yourself pregnant at a young age?

I can tell you being kicked out of the house does not send a message of "we support you and are here for you". I think the reality of parenthood is loving and supporting your child no matter what they do and the mistakes they make, and there's no better way to teach then by example, in my opinion.

No, it does not. Ask my SIL who found herself pregnant at 18 (she was out of school) and thrown out by my in-laws. She will never forget or forgive how she was treated by them.

 

[sbell111]

Like I said previously my dd is aware of what would happen if she ended up pregnant as a teen living at home being supported by me and dh. There will be no pressure when the train goes off the track she knows enough now to do her best to keep it on track. If she chooses to to derail herself by becoming a teen parent, then she needs to be prepared for that since she is making the choice that she is responsible enough for the job. She needs to know the reality of being a single mother, and hopefully that will pressure her into making the right decision (which IMO is abortion).


What is that old saying "prepare your child for the path, not the path for your child", that is the best way to teach your child.

Your post doesn't alter mine in any way.

It doesn't matter that you have been giving her warning of how you will react ever since she was born. You reaction still wouldn't be appropriate or healthy, in my opinion.

If I tell my kids that I'm a bad parent, it doesn't change the effects of my bad behavior.