What would you do if...

[RitaE]

From Cornflake:

If you're 15 and pregnant you have all the choices that you have. You do not have the choice to have me financially support you and your child because you want me to. As for the people asking about the legality of that - having a child automatically emancipates a person.

Actually I researched it on a legal aid site this morning after the question was asked. In my state there is a distinction between medical and legal emancipation. When a minor becomes pregnant she can be given medical emancipation to allow her to qualify for some public aid programs.

Legal emancipation, where the parents are no longer legally responsible for her care and welfare of their children, is not automatically granted. In order to obtain legal emancipation the child must apply for it, prove they are capable, and the parents have to agree to it.

So if you really want to dump your unworthy pregnant teen out into the wild I guess you are probably going to have to arrange for somewhere for her to stay and be willing to pay child support at least for a time --- or risk being arrested by the authorities for child abuse and endangerment.

 

[kamik86]

Like I said previously my dd is aware of what would happen if she ended up pregnant as a teen living at home being supported by me and dh. There will be no pressure when the train goes off the track she knows enough now to do her best to keep it on track. If she chooses to to derail herself by becoming a teen parent, then she needs to be prepared for that since she is making the choice that she is responsible enough for the job. She needs to know the reality of being a single mother, and hopefully that will pressure her into making the right decision (which IMO is abortion).


What is that old saying "prepare your child for the path, not the path for your child", that is the best way to teach your child.

Honestly if I was a teenager that was told this and realized I was pregnant... my first thought would be to hide the pregnancy as long as possible if I wanted to keep the baby... most doctors will only do abortions until what the end of the first trimester? As long as the teen isn't unlucky enough to have her yearly ob/gyn appoinment during that first 3 months she could probably hide it until then. Which means no more option of an abortion and she got the extra three months of living there before being thrown out.

 

[luvmy3]

Supporting a fifteen year old's decision to become a parent isn't exactly what this thread is about. The issue is what a parent should do once the horse is out of the barn. At that point, the time to be a hard nose about the issue has come and gone, in my opinion, and it's time to give the child and the grandchild appropriate support.

Yes it is exactly what this thread is about. The question was asked what we would do if our 15 year old told us she was pregnant. Some of you would support her decision to keep the baby, some of us would not. I would never support my 15 year olds choice to be a parent, she would know that I felt it was a huge mistake for her, and thats because I love her. Ultimately I'd have to accept her decision, but that in no way means I have to "support" it (as in agreeing that its the best and right thing to do). Is your definiton of support different?


And to your post above, that is exactly the point. Nobody said anything about keeping them from having sex, its about keeping them from getting pregnant, or if they do keeping them from making the decision to become a parent.

 

[themilesfamily]

Wow, 15 is really young. But if my DD came to me at that age and told me she was pregnant, I wouldn't want to make the situation any worse by kicking her out of the house or rejecting her or the baby. Why make a bad situation worse? I think I'd try to look long-term at the situation and what's best for everyone.

My priorities would be:
1) Make sure DD and grandchild are in a safe environment and that both are getting adequate care, (prenatal, postnatal.)
2) Make sure DD is able to finish her education.
3) Have conversations about making good choices and moving in a positive direction in life. That might include individual counseling, family counseling, etc.

I think I'd just really want to keep the lines of communication open.

I do know of a situation, (acquaintances of our family), in which the teen girl was pregnant and was so terrified of her parents that she hid the pregnancy, gave birth in her bedroom and put the baby in a plastic bag in a drawer. (The baby died.) They didn't find out about the pregnancy until they noticed the smell coming from her bedroom. The parents thought they were being so tough and so straight-arrow, but all they were doing was shutting off the line of communication between them and their child.

I want my DD to know that she can come to us with ANYTHING and we won't reject her or flip out, but we'll work through it as a family.

ETA: My one caveat is we do report crimes. If you've committed a crime, I won't be shielding you from the police. I won't be that parent in the courtroom lying on your behalf. Working through things as a family does not include lying to law enforcement.

 

[luvmy3]

Honestly if I was a teenager that was told this and realized I was pregnant... my first thought would be to hide the pregnancy as long as possible if I wanted to keep the baby... most doctors will only do abortions until what the end of the first trimester? As long as the teen isn't unlucky enough to have her yearly ob/gyn appoinment during that first 3 months she could probably hide it until then. Which means no more option of an abortion and she got the extra three months of living there before being thrown out.

Please go back and read, I never said I'd throw my dd out if she ever became pregnant.

 

[Aliceacc]

Reading some of these posts makes me want to hug each of my kids, and tell each of them that I'll always, ALWAYS be there for each of them. I may not support their choices. But I'll always be there to help them deal with the consequences of their choices.

They know that. But right now I want to tell each of them anyway.

Thanks for the reminder.

 

[mrsklamc]

I'm sure this won't be popular, but I would strongly advise her to consider terminating the pregnancy. I wouldn't force or coerce the decision (ie threatening to kick her out or withholding financial support or anything like that) and I would make it very clear that she has my support no matter what she chooses, but at that age I would see abortion as the least bad of an array of bad choices - adoption comes with all of the same stigma and educational consequences of keeping the baby along with the lifelong questions of where the child is and if he/she is cared for and can be a crap-shoot to accomplish because the father's consent is required, and keeping the baby is a emotional, social, and financial handicap that will follow her for the rest of her life.

I don't think the bolded is true at all. Adoption does not come with the same educational consequences. There were a couple of girls in my class who gave their babies up for adoption, came right back to school, no long term impact on their eventual college degrees.

 

[luvsJack]

It's interesting to me how there is more than one person in the thread who said they would completely sever ties with a child who gave a baby up for adoption, but *I'm* the one who's cruel and crazy. The poster I quoted isn't the one who said that, to be clear, just... interesting.

Anyway, to the poster I quoted... no, I'm not taking away any part of her choice. She can have an abortion or not. That's her choice. The choice of whether to have an abortion doesn't come with 'or be supported by other people and have your child supported as well if you don't want to have an abortion.'

Doesn't for a 15-year-old, doesn't for a 25-year-old, or a 35-year-old. Plenty of adults decide on abortion because they don't have the resources to raise a child at that point in their lives. They don't have the option of someone else stepping in to support them and the kid so they can have what you refer to as "all parts of that option." Their options are their options.

If you're 15 years old, you do not have good options for supporting yourself and a child. That's the facts. You do not have the option of me doing it either, if you're mine. Not happening.

That's not a lack of unconditional love. Unconditional love doesn't, as someone said, equal unconditional support. If your kid was a thief or a drug addict (I'm not equating, I'm casting for something to be obviously demonstrative of my point), I don't think you would say that you love them so it's fine for them to live in your house and continue doing those things unabated.

I'm not supporting the choice to, nevermind funding the choice to, screw up your life. I'm also not having a child foisted into the house because my kid felt like it. That's not how that works, ino.

If you're 15 and pregnant you have all the choices that you have. You do not have the choice to have me financially support you and your child because you want me to. As for the people asking about the legality of that - having a child automatically emancipates a person.

Yes, I hope presenting those choices would force someone's hand - into realizing that it is not realistic to think that a 15-year-old could support a child by his or herself. Because it's not. Rational thought is a good thing. If this realization still hasn't come, well, there's the door. You don't get your way by saying 'I want it anyway.' Ok, have it. Not my problem - screw up your life on your own time, I will not be a party to it.

As to the 24-year-old with the lead paint, that's got nothing to do with anything, imo. Of course they can come stay. That's an adult, capable of supporting themselves and their child, who had an issue with their apartment. Has nothing to do with a child wants me to finance their foray into teen parenthood.

By the way, in general, antibiotics don't do anything to birth control, that's mostly a myth. Also, they should be using more than one method. Yes, accidents happen in that there are people who got pregnant on an IUD and such. However, when used properly, bc has something like a .0something failure rate.

First, double up - no teenager should NOT be using a barrier method to begin with and those should always be used with a spermicide, a hormonal method, something else, etc., which further adds. If there actually was an accident, well, then life is tough, same choice. However, any teen of mine JUST using the pill, would be hearing about their unbridled stupidity until at least the next decade, pregnant or not. There is no excuse for that.

Also btw, putting a name on the birth certificate does nothing wrt custody or child support one way or another.

I didn't see the posters that said they would throw their child out for putting the baby up for adoption. I feel the same about their "giving of choices" as I do yours. Its manipulation to get your child to do what you want them to.

Why not just go ahead and say "have an abortion and that is final", because you are basically doing the same thing. For the girl to be able to live with the choice, she needs to be the one to MAKE the choice and not be manipulated into it.

You know, punishing your child and grandchild is like closing the barn door after the horse got out. Its not going to fix anything. And this decision, while YOU may be ok with it, could haunt your dd for the rest of her life.

And why are you not in favor of adoption if its all about you not wanting to support the baby?

Of course a 15 year old cannot fully support a child. But that doesn't mean she should be forced to go against what she believes in (in the instance of not believing in abortion). Why not at least allow her to choose adoption without you throwing her out in the street? Or if she truly feels bonded to this baby and wants desperately to keep the child? You can't at least offer her the moral support she needs?

Let me ask you this, what about 10 years down the road--this girl is now 25 and her child 10. You threw her out and now she is supporting herself and happily raising her child. But she hates the parents that basically disowned her because of the child she loves so much so you have never seen this 10 year grandchild. How would you feel then?

Or if your 15 year old was so terrified of telling you she is pregnant that she waits too long and can't get an abortion? You will just throw her out then too?

Also also by the way, luv3 suggested this approach could possibly prevent the problem from occuring. In my experience, it certainly does.

It's how I and most of the people I knew when I was a kid were raised, and how many I know now are. It's unequivocal and known from the start - there'll be no discussion, there just won't be any teen parents in the house, not happening.

Guess how many teen parents I knew as a kid?

Guess how many I know now?

It didn't work then and it won't work now. You know WHY you didn't know as many when you were a kid? They were either hidden away at some relative's house, or they got married at 15/16 or some other such nonsense.

Teen parents are nothing knew. My brother would have been 56 this year and he was a teen father. Married at 16. Do you really think my parents didn't have to keep them from starving to death?

I am 49 and there were 4 pregnant girls in my graduating class, including me. I married the loser--although I wouldn't change it now because I have a wonderful second son by him, I would never, ever wish that on my dd. ETA: We ALL married the fathers of the babies. Not one is still married.

The different thing now is we don't say someone "has" to get married, we don't hide a pregnant girl away anywhere.

 

[Family Fun Mom]

I am the product of unwed teen parents. My parents were 18, which is a lot older than 15 when you factor in maturity, but it's still pretty darn young. They struggled but did a fine job with me. They eventually got married (when I was around 4) and had 2 more kids. They are still together. It was far from an easy road but they did it. Part of their success was the support of their parents, mainly my dad's parents. They were amazing grandparents and I don't think my parents could have made it without them. I had a super tight bond with them my entire life (still do with my Grandma, who is my only surviving grandparent today). Now my parents are fabulous grandparents to my kids, thanks to that amazing example.

I have a 15 year old DD. I can hardly wrap my mind around a scenario where she would be pregnant it this age but if it ever did happen I'd fully support her. Babies do not destroy lives, they change them. They are a blessing. After the shock wore off and we grieved for the old dreams we had for our daughter, we would focus on the new reality and set new goals and dreams, while embracing and loving the new life that would enter our lives. What else can you do? In my eyes, that's the only option.

I can think of a lot worse news my daughter could bring us besides "I'm pregnant." It's not what I want for her, but we'd deal with it.

 

[Hrhpd]

It's interesting to me how there is more than one person in the thread who said they would completely sever ties with a child who gave a baby up for adoption, but *I'm* the one who's cruel and crazy. The poster I quoted isn't the one who said that, to be clear, just... interesting.

Anyway, to the poster I quoted... no, I'm not taking away any part of her choice. She can have an abortion or not. That's her choice. The choice of whether to have an abortion doesn't come with 'or be supported by other people and have your child supported as well if you don't want to have an abortion.'

Doesn't for a 15-year-old, doesn't for a 25-year-old, or a 35-year-old. Plenty of adults decide on abortion because they don't have the resources to raise a child at that point in their lives. They don't have the option of someone else stepping in to support them and the kid so they can have what you refer to as "all parts of that option." Their options are their options.

If you're 15 years old, you do not have good options for supporting yourself and a child. That's the facts. You do not have the option of me doing it either, if you're mine. Not happening.

That's not a lack of unconditional love. Unconditional love doesn't, as someone said, equal unconditional support. If your kid was a thief or a drug addict (I'm not equating, I'm casting for something to be obviously demonstrative of my point), I don't think you would say that you love them so it's fine for them to live in your house and continue doing those things unabated.

I'm not supporting the choice to, nevermind funding the choice to, screw up your life. I'm also not having a child foisted into the house because my kid felt like it. That's not how that works, ino.

If you're 15 and pregnant you have all the choices that you have. You do not have the choice to have me financially support you and your child because you want me to. As for the people asking about the legality of that - having a child automatically emancipates a person.

Yes, I hope presenting those choices would force someone's hand - into realizing that it is not realistic to think that a 15-year-old could support a child by his or herself. Because it's not. Rational thought is a good thing. If this realization still hasn't come, well, there's the door. You don't get your way by saying 'I want it anyway.' Ok, have it. Not my problem - screw up your life on your own time, I will not be a party to it.

As to the 24-year-old with the lead paint, that's got nothing to do with anything, imo. Of course they can come stay. That's an adult, capable of supporting themselves and their child, who had an issue with their apartment. Has nothing to do with a child wants me to finance their foray into teen parenthood.

By the way, in general, antibiotics don't do anything to birth control, that's mostly a myth. Also, they should be using more than one method. Yes, accidents happen in that there are people who got pregnant on an IUD and such. However, when used properly, bc has something like a .0something failure rate.

First, double up - no teenager should NOT be using a barrier method to begin with and those should always be used with a spermicide, a hormonal method, something else, etc., which further adds. If there actually was an accident, well, then life is tough, same choice. However, any teen of mine JUST using the pill, would be hearing about their unbridled stupidity until at least the next decade, pregnant or not. There is no excuse for that.

Also btw, putting a name on the birth certificate does nothing wrt custody or child support one way or another.

Are you a parent?

 

[Feckless]

Yes and no . . .

Before the child is born, if an unwed mother chooses to have an abortion, the father of the child cannot stop her. He has no rights to her body if he is not her husband. Even if he says, "I want to raise the baby myself", he cannot force her to go through the pregnancy and delivery.

She can leave him off the birth certificate, if she chooses. (Of course, that also means that she's foregoing child support, but many girls think that Welfare is more of a sure-thing than child support from a teenager who has no job.) He can later demand a paternity test and have himself added to the birth certificate -- even against her wishes -- but that requires money, effort, and legal action. And it would never endear him to the mother and her family.

However, once the child arrives -- assuming no abuse, etc. -- if he's on the birth certificate as the father, he does have equal rights to the child.

I agree - prior to the birth, the mother makes the decisions (except adoption, which can be contested). Which is as it should be, IMHO. The famous case in Canada which threw out our abortion law was one in the 1980s where a woman wanted an abortion and the (abusive ex boyfriend) father of the baby didn't want her to have the abortion. The Court found that the father didn't have a say, and she had the abortion. So, that's the same in Canada as in the states. However, after the child is born, both parents have equal legal rights to the child. If the mother won't acknowledge that a man is the father, he can petition the court to declare him the father (through a DNA test if necessary) in order to enforce his rights.

Well I don't.

I don't respect anybody who'd put a pregnant and alone 15 year old girl out on the streets with no money to beg for food, healthcare and housing from whatever charity group she could find and failing that probably turn to prostitution or whatever in order to feed herself and possibly a baby.

In fact "not respect" doesn't even come close to describing my feelings on that matter.

It is one of those questions that make me ask what is the purpose of your children? My children don't exist to make me happy, make me proud, make me whatever. They don't not become my children just because they aren't doing it for me anymore.

I am their Mom and I am their Mom even when they are pissing me off to maximum levels.

Loved this post.

 

[Shmily1]

DD21 told me when she was 17 that she was expecting. I cried for a few minutes because three days before we had signed her up for college and she couldn't live in a dorm (thus not attend that school). That lasted about 2 minutes. Then I realized it wasn't the end of the world. She could still have a great life but she would just have an addition in that world. Next month, DGS will be 3. I can't imagine being without that little fellow. He's so amazing and such a joy to be around.

Her getting pregnant wasn't in the plan--my plan or her plan. There are things she missed out on but she's a great parent that works and goes to college and takes great care of him. When I told DH, he said he couldn't believe I wasn't mad. I explained to him that if there was ever a time that she needed me to be supportive, it was then and I wouldn't fail her. I wouldn't change it.

 

[Heidict]

And why are you not in favor of adoption if its all about you not wanting to support the baby?

I think you hit the nail on the head there. It's all about the poster, not about their child.

If the true concern here was the responsibility of taking care of a baby, education or finances, then adoption would work perfectly. Instead I think it's more about just getting rid of the 'problem' and moving on with life. I'm sure the poster would be happy and could go on like nothing every happened, but I guarantee you her child would not.

 

[tyzzle]

I don't know if this has been stated but in most states (if not all) it would be illegal to kick a 15 year old out of the house even if she was pregnant

 

[Colleen27]

I don't think the bolded is true at all. Adoption does not come with the same educational consequences. There were a couple of girls in my class who gave their babies up for adoption, came right back to school, no long term impact on their eventual college degrees.

Around here there's still the mindset of pushing pregnant teens into alternative schools or GED programs, which effectively ends academic careers for a lot of girls because their parents can't afford to pay the full costs of higher education. College is still possible, of course, but it takes the question from scholarships and extracurricular activities and applications to working their own way through community college.

 

[luvmy3]

I think you hit the nail on the head there. It's all about the poster, not about their child.

If the true concern here was the responsibility of taking care of a baby, education or finances, then adoption would work perfectly. Instead I think it's more about just getting rid of the 'problem' and moving on with life. I'm sure the poster would be happy and could go on like nothing every happened, but I guarantee you her child would not.

That is exactly what abortion is. Adoption may work perfectly for you, but you can't be sure that it works perfectly for anyone else.
I would support my dd's decision to go the adoption route, but I still think abortion is the best choice for someone that age who wasn't planning on keeping the baby. There is no reason why a 15 year should have to go through 9 months of pregnancy when there is a perfect medical solution so that she doesn't have to.

 

[Heidict]

That is exactly what abortion is. Adoption may work perfectly for you, but you can't be sure that it works perfectly for anyone else.
I would support my dd's decision to go the adoption route, but I still think abortion is the best choice for someone that age who wasn't planning on keeping the baby. There is no reason why a 15 year should have to go through 9 months of pregnancy when there is a perfect medical solution so that she doesn't have to.

You do realize that a lot of the women who have had abortions have regretted it and if given a second chance would do it differently. It can have a negative impact on them for many years to come. That is not something I would ever want my child to go through.

 

[DopeyDame]

Babies do not destroy lives, they change them. They are a blessing. After the shock wore off and we grieved for the old dreams we had for our daughter, we would focus on the new reality and set new goals and dreams, while embracing and loving the new life that would enter our lives. What else can you do? In my eyes, that's the only option.

I can think of a lot worse news my daughter could bring us besides "I'm pregnant." It's not what I want for her, but we'd deal with it.

This. A thousand, million times over - this is the right answer, and perfectly expressed.

 

[luvsJack]

Around here there's still the mindset of pushing pregnant teens into alternative schools or GED programs, which effectively ends academic careers for a lot of girls because their parents can't afford to pay the full costs of higher education. College is still possible, of course, but it takes the question from scholarships and extracurricular activities and applications to working their own way through community college.

Its not that way here at all. Of course most extra-curricular activities would be out, at least until the baby arrives, but the girl is able to stay in school. We have had many student here that have gotten full scholarships for their grades or ACT scores and have a child. The do choose community college but simply because it is easier with a child (I believe there is a huge difference between the community colleges in our state and in yours).

Also, a single mom would be considered Independent on the FAFSA (if she has a job at all to show some means of support) and would recieve federal aid so there is no reason she should have to end her academic career.

 

[canadianjovigirl]

Being the birth mom of a 17 and 11 year old girl and a adopted 13 year old boy - news like that would shake me to my core.

I would do the best that i could to support them with their choice, even if it was abortion (which i would never choose for myself and have known that for years) as it would not be my choice to make. It would also tear a bit of my heart out if they decided to place the child for adoption, being an adoptive parent. We also try to teach our kids that we are here for them no matter what and hope that if bad choices are ever made that they know they can come to us to help with a solution.

The hardest part of being a parent is letting go of the dreams we have for them and letting them live and experience their own dreams.