What would you do ? Advise needed ! long! UPDATE !!!!

[diesel]

soon she'll be telling you that godparents chip in for college education too!

 

[ceecee]

This is woman is a nightmare, I would politely tell her that you are extremely flattered that she asked you to be a godparent but that you are not ready for that kind of responsability due to your own family situation. You do not owe her any in depth explanation. I would also be ready for her to trash talk you behind your back. If that does happen just remember to consider the source, if you feel this way about her, I am guessing that you are not alone. I would also not spend one cent on her or her little tax deductions. It is also extremely tacky to throw you own baby shower. Run far and fast, actually I would have cut ties with this woman as soon as she started abusing the carpool situation. Let us know what you do!

Perfect response...use it!

 

[kaytieeldr]

I would let her know that you don't feel comfortable assuming such an important role for anyone other than family members. You're flattered she asked, but feel it would be better if you declined.

The is excellent advice. Start rehearsing it: "Thank you. I'm flattered to be asked, but I must decline". That's IT. No excuses. No explanations. Just, "Thank you for asking, but I have to refuse" (for variety, since she's going to continue to ask, and more importantly ask why you can't. Just, "I appreciate being asked, but no thank you".

Never heard of the godparents chipping in for the crib or the baptism

Right. Silly me. I thought godparents are chosen to provide spiritual guidance to the child in case the parents can't.

You are so right as I would have no problem telling her to piss off! but then again I am 45 and do not suffer fools easily.

Yeah! OP - you want one of us to "deal" with her for you?

 

[EthansMom]

Tell her, "I'm sorry, but I wasn't aware how much was involved in being a Godparent, and because of my prior commitments to my own family, I'm not going to be able to be one for your child."

BTW, the stuff she's asking/expecting you to do is CRAP (to use her words). In modern society, a Godparent is usually a spiritual mentor. In older times, the Godparents were the people who took in the kids if something happened to both parents. It doesn't sound as if this woman is using either of those definitions.

 

[Chicago526]

Wow, now I feel bad. I guess I must have really let down my DB and SIL when I became GM to my DN2, other than a small gift, they didn't get squat from me!

Anyway, I agree with the rest. Run, don't walk.

Let's put it this way, which is cheaper: To say "no" now, before you've spent a not-so-small fortune, or a year or two down the road when it turns out it's "tradition" for the god-parents to pay for a toddler's $2k b-day party? (and believe me, I've heard of kid parties that pricey!)

 

[cancer_survivor_06]

The godparents of both my children have not paid one penny towards their baptisms or other things and if anyone were to help out or put up money it has been my parents. W/ that being said for my baby shower my family (parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles) all put in for the major items baby bed, carseat, stroller/travel system, high chair, swing, playpen. I have never out right asked for these items from these specific people I did my little baby registry and got what I got fortunately I have a wonderful family. I would never dream of directly asking my godparents to foot the bill for these items. This person in questions sounds like someone w/ expensive taste but doesn't want to foot the bill for it. As for my baby shower that is something that my mom and friends did. I would at least sit down and have a serious talk w/ her and let her know that you can't afford to pay child support and if that is her qualifications for being a godparent your have to reconsider her offer.

 

[Ciao Mickey]

This lady isn't interested in a "godparent" for her child, she's looking for someone to help her foot the bills.

I would let her know that you don't feel comfortable assuming such an important role for anyone other than family members. You're flattered she asked, but feel it would be better if you declined.

And no, I haven't ever heard of choosing which gifts the godparents buy, asking them to split the party costs, or throwing your own baby shower!! Hmm...I wonder why no one else wanted to throw her a shower??? It would have probably been "crap" anyway, right??

Good luck with this one, you might have to take some flack from her but that's better than putting up with this kind of stuff for the next 18 years!

I agree with the poster.

I'm a Godmother to two of my nieces and a friend's daughter. The custom here is to buy the christening outfit and to give a gift. It's the responsibility of the parents to pay for a party.

It sounds as if this will be the beginning of her demands for Christmas, birthday and graduation gifts.

Get out of it while you got the chance!

 

[pandora174]

OK, thanks for all the advice! I forgot the one when she invited herself to my son's b-day party (mind you only immediate family) which I told her & became insulted when I wasn't having food only cake and appetizers, veggie trays & chips. Forget that I had 6 trays of different appetizers & a kiddie cake & then an adult cake & then she bought my son a $70 camera that I had told her was too pricey ! My DH thinks she was trying to guilt me into not cutting off the friendship. Next time she calls & she starts with all the expectations/demands she has for godparents I'll tell her that with my family siutation I could not meet her expectations financially and time wise & it would be better she choose another godparent. Also I'm going to stop answering the phone when she calls. She's on medical leave & she'll call me at work 2 to 3 times a day. I had to tell her to not call me at home unless it's an emergency so calls me at work with every detail of her life & to find out everything I'm doing or what's going on in the office. This is what makes me feel bad for her. Sometimes I think with all the pregnancy hormones she's a little unstable. My DH thinks I have a weirdo magent I always attract these supper needy people. I guess I'm a sucker for people who need someone to talk to. But this is causing me too much stress. & I won't be giving in to her financial/time demands when I could use that for my DS & family activities.

 

[sk!mom]

Why would you agree to be a godparent for someone other than a VERY close, long standing friend or a relative. She sounds like someone you would prefer to not be friends with so just go ahead and piss her off by telling her you rethought it and you are not in a position to be a godparent.

DH and I had a similar situation several years ago when friends asked us to be willing to take guardianship of their young child should anything happen. We politely declined. We didn't worry about whether it would make them mad. They were friends- not close friends so we didn't worry about it.

 

[AMYCC1]

I gotta chime in here...I'm an infrequent poster but this woman is over the top. I'm a mom of multiples and I would NEVER expect someone to finance my family the way this woman is.
It sounds to me like she's probably drive many a would-be friend away with this kind of attitude. You can only blame so much on pregnancy hormones...after that it's just sheer selfishness and *****yness.
Let her go!

 

[dopeyfanatic]

I think you've made a good decision. She's definitely looking for someone to buy everything for her and help her do the work. She shouldn't be expecting anything from godparents other than support. Maybe helping delivering meals when she first gets home, or coming over to help her out for a little while...but saying specifically what they should do is ridiculous. What you do should be up to you. Definitely decline the position. Tell her you've talked about it as a family and realize this isn't something you can handle right now. Good luck!

 

[HugsForEeyore]

OK, thanks for all the advice! I forgot the one when she invited herself to my son's b-day party (mind you only immediate family) which I told her & became insulted when I wasn't having food only cake and appetizers, veggie trays & chips. Forget that I had 6 trays of different appetizers & a kiddie cake & then an adult cake & then she bought my son a $70 camera that I had told her was too pricey ! My DH thinks she was trying to guilt me into not cutting off the friendship. Next time she calls & she starts with all the expectations/demands she has for godparents I'll tell her that with my family siutation I could not meet her expectations financially and time wise & it would be better she choose another godparent. Also I'm going to stop answering the phone when she calls. She's on medical leave & she'll call me at work 2 to 3 times a day. I had to tell her to not call me at home unless it's an emergency so calls me at work with every detail of her life & to find out everything I'm doing or what's going on in the office. This is what makes me feel bad for her. Sometimes I think with all the pregnancy hormones she's a little unstable. My DH thinks I have a weirdo magent I always attract these supper needy people. I guess I'm a sucker for people who need someone to talk to. But this is causing me too much stress. & I won't be giving in to her financial/time demands when I could use that for my DS & family activities.

Weird!! But there is something deeper here going on. Does this woman have many friends? I am thinking she is using this "godparent" thing to trap you into an unending relationship that you can't escape from? Is she using it to try to tie you two together and attempt to make some sort of bond that she desires, when in reality you two probably aren't really friends at all? As you said, she is NEEDY, and maybe she wants to make sure you can't get away from her! Ugh!!! People like this suck the life out of you, and it is a negative all the way around. Nothing good will happen here.

For whatever reason, this woman craves your attention. And by making you godparent, she is getting that attention. And by criticizing your role as godparent, it's to force control over you, in an attempt to make you "try harder" to be her friend. YUCK!! Cut your ties now!! And be distant and firm. Maybe she will get the message.

 

[tomthebarncat]

OK, thanks for all the advice! I forgot the one when she invited herself to my son's b-day party (mind you only immediate family) which I told her & became insulted when I wasn't having food only cake and appetizers, veggie trays & chips. Forget that I had 6 trays of different appetizers & a kiddie cake & then an adult cake & then she bought my son a $70 camera that I had told her was too pricey ! My DH thinks she was trying to guilt me into not cutting off the friendship. Next time she calls & she starts with all the expectations/demands she has for godparents I'll tell her that with my family siutation I could not meet her expectations financially and time wise & it would be better she choose another godparent. Also I'm going to stop answering the phone when she calls. She's on medical leave & she'll call me at work 2 to 3 times a day. I had to tell her to not call me at home unless it's an emergency so calls me at work with every detail of her life & to find out everything I'm doing or what's going on in the office. This is what makes me feel bad for her. Sometimes I think with all the pregnancy hormones she's a little unstable. My DH thinks I have a weirdo magent I always attract these supper needy people. I guess I'm a sucker for people who need someone to talk to. But this is causing me too much stress. & I won't be giving in to her financial/time demands when I could use that for my DS & family activities.

When she calls you at work politely inform her that you are not taking personal calls at work unless it is a family emergency. If she gives you grief tell her you are in the middle of something and need to focus , then tell her to have a great day and hang up the phone. I suggest you start practicing this at home, pick up phone, imagine it is vampire friend, and then say " I am in the middle of something and need to focus, have a great day", now hang up phone and breathe! repeat exercise until you feel comfortable enough to do this at work. BTW, If I was your supervisor we would be having a chat about the number of non essential personal phone calls you are recieving on a daily basis at work. Do not let vampire friend get you a verbal or written counseling statement. There is more at stake then just hormones or someones feelings getting hurt, this is your job! and I am guessing that you need it.

 

[clh2]

soon she'll be telling you that godparents chip in for college education too!

Don't forget about big weddings too!

This woman is out of her mind. She asked you to be a godmother, not the Fairy Godmother, who can just make magic happen by waving a magic wand.

In our church, the requirement of a godparent is "We require that godparents are baptized and committed Chistians who will agree to serve as an example of faithful life.

Being a godparent is an honor, it should not be taken lightly. It is not an opportunity for someone else to dictate that you "have to contribute to the cribs, host any parties, or whatever else the mom deems appropriate."

And...I'm going to end with...when she got married...was she a bridezilla too?

 

[rcpae]

Op I have nothing to add except that I am sorry that you are going thru this. I too am fairly non confrontational so I can relate to how hard this is for you.

In the end it really comes down to you doing what's best for your family. Sometimes that line of thinking makes it easier for me to approach a situation.

 

[Mono~rail]

Another mom of multiples (twins) here, and I can be counted as another one who never expected anything from anybody. In fact, dh and I turned down about 10 offers for a baby shower. Long story, but we politely declined the offers.

OP, I can relate to your preemie situation because my twins were preemies with one of them spending over 4 months in the NICU. After their birth, I had to quit my job to stay home because one of them has special needs. So I can totally relate to one parent needing to be available to take the special needs child to therapies and doctor appts.

I saw that you are planning to talk to her and politely decline her offer, and that is the best thing you can do! I hope you stay strong in your resolve, and you are able to follow through. I recently had to get rid of a nut bag "friend" who wanted to spend my money. Where do these people come from? Fuh-reaks!

My parents were asked to be godparents for my dad's brother's oldest son. They backed out of it because of similar things like you posted. Someone joked about contributing to the kids' college funds, and that was exactly why my parents backed out on my uncle. My aunt and uncle gave my mom and dad a list of all the things that they were supposed to contribute to my cousin, and the monthly payment for his college fund was on it. True story.

 

[Teacher510]

For Roman Catholics godparents are supposed to be chosen based on their practice of faith not on their gift-giving ability. I too, take this seriously and chose my married friends because of our shared practice of our religion.
I don't think I could last 5 minutes with that woman! I got fired up just reading the post!

 

[tinkarooni]

I am just shocked more often these days. Is there something in the water?

People are unbelievable. I have nothing really to add just wanted to chime in. You are doing the right thing. Don't put it off, do it and get it over with. I can't believe that she asked you anyway...a co-worker and your description does not make the two of you sound tight. You're essentially car pool buddies?

By the way we are Catholic and it is tradition (in my family anyway) for the godmother to provide the Christening outfit. Although I also politely declined both times because I would rather choose it myself. If I was supposed to be getting college educations paid for I better get on the stick and contact those unsuspecting godparents.

Good Luck!

 

[2Princes2Princesses]

I feel so bad for you. I always tended to be a person who would sit on the phone with a friend who was crying because her new boyfriend didn't call her back, meanwhile, I had a newborn who only slept 2 hours at a time and missed many opportunities to nap while doing this.

I also was the one who would work 16 hours shifts on the weekend so the younger girls without kids could go out. I had 2 small kids at home, who needed me at 6 am and did not understand I worked til midnight and didn't get home until 1 or to sleep until 2.

I was a doormat for everyone. Then I just got fed up, I would say about age 30.

I know you feel somewhat bad for her, but you have a DH and a little one who need you AND you shouldn't be a wreck over this. My Dad called people like that "emotional vampires," he said they suck all the life out of you and give nothing back. I would heed the advice here and extricate yourself from this woman. Fast.

 

[CajunDixie]

How about you tell the mother you want to set up a meeting with her, her priest, and you so as to familarize yourself with the expectations of being a godmother. Hopefully in front of the priest she'll act like her normal self and he can politely refocus her attitude about what being a godparent entails. If she fakes it and says she expects nothing monetary then you can hold her to that. Isn't that a huge sin to lie to your priest?