What would you do ? Advise needed ! long! UPDATE !!!!

[pandora174]

Hopefully my fellow disers can give me some advice. Sorry if it's long. To start with I don't have a very confrontational personality. My husband says I am way too nice & sometimes people take advantange. That being said I have a co-worker, initially very nice lady but very opionated & strong willed. I am very easygoing. We carpooled because we live close by but then she wanted to run errands and I would get home super late or would call me at night everyday to chat. I finally had to tell her that after work my time is for my family. Now she's pregnant with multiples & she has asked me to be a godmother for one of the babies which I take very seriously. But financially we are not as well off as she is. She had the audacity to ask another of the godmothers to speak to me because it was decided the godparents were buying all 3 cribs. I was told my share was over $200 ! I politely said NO, my son's birthday party was in a few weeks & this was right before the holidays so it made me feel horrible. She then told people I had contributed anyway not to embarrass me ?? So now she throws herself a shower with an expensive cake, salon rental, catered food, alcohol, music & is complaining that she had to do it all herself with no help. All these little snide remarks that make me feel really bad. & she just let me know about the baptism she's planning (babies aren't even born yet) & says that all the godparents traditionally chip (monetarily) in toward the baptism party. Is this true ? For my son's party we did a small family gathering. People brought over food & the godparents bought the cake & I was extremely happy. She's invites 100 people. I was flattered she chose me as a godparent & planned to visit the baby, help her out (within limits), get easter gifts, birthday gifts but within my budget. Now I'm starting to think about what I've gotten myself into here. My husband says I should cut things off but I feel bad because I've made this commitment & feel I would be going back on my word. But there is no way I can give her several hundred dollars to throw a Baptism party. As it is she made it very clear she doesn't want "crap" for the shower. I'm spending $80 which for us is alot of money. & she knows our financial situation that I work & my DH stays home with our son to take him to school & therapies because he was a preemie. She knows we don't have credit cards because I don't want debt so everything we buy we must have the cash. Is it me or is she being unreasonable ? My husband says birthdays and easter are going to be a nightmare becuase she thinks any gift under $40 is crap (her words) while I think totally the opposite. Anything my son receives as a gift I am very thankful no matter what the amount. & also if I politely try to excuse myself she is the type of person who would make a scene & get very confrontational & I really don't want to argue with someone who is in a high risk pregnancy. What would you guys do ?

 

[noahynav]

I agree with your husband 100%. Cut all ties with this woman NOW!! Otherwise you will continue with this nonsense at every birthday, holiday etc. for the next 18 years. It is not worth the stress.

 

[Motherofboys]

This lady isn't interested in a "godparent" for her child, she's looking for someone to help her foot the bills.

I would let her know that you don't feel comfortable assuming such an important role for anyone other than family members. You're flattered she asked, but feel it would be better if you declined.

And no, I haven't ever heard of choosing which gifts the godparents buy, asking them to split the party costs, or throwing your own baby shower!! Hmm...I wonder why no one else wanted to throw her a shower??? It would have probably been "crap" anyway, right??

Good luck with this one, you might have to take some flack from her but that's better than putting up with this kind of stuff for the next 18 years!

 

[mom2cinderella]

(Keep in mind that I know nothing about what is expected of godparents) I would extricate myself from this mess. Maybe, "I'm really sorry, I had no idea how involved and expensive it would be. I'm going to have to back out." and then distance yourself? I don't know. I hope you get some great advice.

Michele

 

[disneymomto5]

I have to agree, get rid of her, now. If you can't confront her directly (that would be hard for me too), then write her a letter. There will be a backlash since you work together, but the headaches that are coming down the road are not worth it.

 

[Benducci]

Never heard of the godparents chipping in for the crib or the baptism. that is a load of crock. I would back out now and offer apologies. She wants too much & it would never end.

 

[Darcy03231]

Never heard of the godparents chipping in for the crib or the baptism. that is a load of crock. I would back out now and offer apologies. She wants too much & it would never end.

I agree

 

[cmrules]

I would very politely tell her that you want what is best for her and for the baby and you don't think you will be able to fullfill you "duties" as godparent due to you financial situation.

I'm not a confrontational person either, but do you really want to be connected to this person for the REST OF YOUR LIFE?

 

[jessica52877]

I have never heard of godparents chipping in for anything other then support, moral support. Maybe I am WAY off, but I don't think so.

I would get out now, with feelings like this towards the mother I don't feel that would make for a good godparent to the child. I am sure left alone you would make a wonderful one though!

 

[ceecee]

I agree with your husband 100%. Cut all ties with this woman NOW!! Otherwise you will continue with this nonsense at every birthday, holiday etc. for the next 18 years. It is not worth the stress.

I agree, you don't need this stress!

 

[LanaJae]

Listen to everyone here, this woman is a nutcase and you don't need her in your life! By being at the mercy of her, you run the risk of hurting your relationship with your own family.

There are just some people who target people like you (nice) and the only thing you can do is stay as far away as them as you can.

If your husband doesn't mind, it might make it easier for you to see if he will let you tell her that your husband said NO to all this and you're sorry, but you're making some big changes in your life to keep your family happy. She will then probably come at you with some baloney about not letting others push you around and if you feel strong enough, you can say, "isn't that what you're sort of doing?" It won't change her, but it will empower you.

Think about the amount of time and stress you go through as a result of this person - isn't that time needed for yourself and your family? Not only do you go through it, your husband, children, extended family and decent friends have to be drug into her life too.

 

[RichNKatHolly]

Yikes! I thought the role of godparent was to take over should something happen to the parents. And, possibly, there is a tradition of purchasing the cross for the baby at the Baptism - but that may just be Catholicism, I'm not sure.

Sorry you have gotten into this mess. Some people think of godparents this way and expect a lot from them. My x-DH is his cousin's kid's godfather. He forgot to call one birthday and the wife lit into him like you wouldn't believe. I say - whatever and no thanks.

Good luck to you!

 

[ADisneyQueen]

Take a moment and think about the future. Is this someone you really want to spend many years being close to? That is what you are commiting yourself to. Are you really excited about the babies being born and feeling a special bond with your godchild? Or were you just flattered or feeling obligated to take on the role? That's why I think a godparent should be a family member or very close friend you've known for a long time.
I would tell her that you just can't do it for financial/ family reasons.

 

[HopperFan]

WOW, I got mad just reading this. She's not your friend in any way. She is someone looking for cash cows. The fact that you consider her a "co-worker" and not a very close intimate friend means you are not even qualified to be her baby's godparent. No sure her religion, but they all have rules as to who can be it as well. But no where did I find you are responsible for cribs, parties, and footing bills. It is a spiritual thing

A godparent, in many denominations of Christianity, is someone who sponsors a child's baptism.

Which I interpret (and that is how it works for my three kids) that they are witnesses at the child's baptism. It is up to the godparent if they chose to participate in future gifts at birthdays etc.

Google it and look at meanings and potential outcomes, I don't think this is what she has in mind nor do I think you want to become involved.

In a non-religious manner, a godparent is a person who agrees to take care of a child if something were to happen to their parents or guardians.

In some cultures, the word for "godparent of one's child" is used for any, or certain, very close friends.

Traditionally, the godparents were counted informally responsible for ensuring that the child's religious education was carried out, and for caring for the child should he/she be orphaned.

I would be telling her ASAP that you are sorry but you are not going to be able to be the child's godparent and you wanted to give her enough time to select another. That you feel this is too large a responsiblity for you to take on. Thank you for thinking of me for this honor, but now that I have had time to think about it, it is not something I can do.

I would not tie it to any specific reason, she will just counter it with something. Just be firm and tell her you have changed your mind. That is perfectly acceptable, especially being the baby has not arrived.

If she gets mad, so be it.........sounds like that won't be anything compared to the agony she will create the next 18 years and beyond...........

PS And not to be negative, I have multiples in my family along with friends with multiples and I have a disabled child myself, so I live this everyday.... Having three babies means the chances of there being problems are greater. Have a friend with a triplet with lifelong issues that affect every part of their lives. Sounds like she is a person who would expect everyone to be there bailing her out.

GOOD LUCK but I can't imagine keeping this "title". Run while you can

 

[horseshowmom]

I agree with everybody else. If you don't extricate yourself, this stressful situation is going to continue for years to come (I doubt it will end at 18), and I'm positive it will get worse.

If you decide to talk to her, do not let her "guilt" you into changing your mind (I"m quite sure she'll try).

Good luck!

 

[tomthebarncat]

This is woman is a nightmare, I would politely tell her that you are extremely flattered that she asked you to be a godparent but that you are not ready for that kind of responsability due to your own family situation. You do not owe her any in depth explanation. I would also be ready for her to trash talk you behind your back. If that does happen just remember to consider the source, if you feel this way about her, I am guessing that you are not alone. I would also not spend one cent on her or her little tax deductions. It is also extremely tacky to throw you own baby shower. Run far and fast, actually I would have cut ties with this woman as soon as she started abusing the carpool situation. Let us know what you do!

 

[LanaJae]

I don't know you, but I am feeling terrible about your situation. I realized I didn't say anything about your own child, and for someone to do this to you when you had a preemie that needs extra care and TLC, and you're working to support your family and can't stay home with your child yourself - well, I have some words for that woman! I doubt you or anyone else could put any more stress on her pregnancy, she's doing a good job herself!

I know people having multiples can get like this, sometimes they are told to start asking for help immediately, and it can turn into something rotten, which this has, although most are just grateful for any little help they can get, even if it's an hour here or there or running errands. I've yet to see people schedule donations and gifts and showers with booze (and what's up with the salon?). What about just trying to bring those babies here the healthiest and safest route? Keep all this in mind when you get enough gumption to do something about extracting yourself from her and don't feel bad about what you need to do, even if it's changing jobs (if at all possible), you have to do what works for your family. It shouldn't be this way, but there will always be people like you and always be people like her around. I can tell you from personal experience that once you hit age 40, it gets much easier to avoid these people, I didn't believe that when I was younger, but it's really true.

 

[tomthebarncat]

I can tell you from personal experience that once you hit age 40, it gets much easier to avoid these people, I didn't believe that when I was younger, but it's really true.

You are so right as I would have no problem telling her to piss off! but then again I am 45 and do not suffer fools easily.

 

[LanaJae]

You are so right as I would have no problem telling her to piss off! but then again I am 45 and do not suffer fools easily.

I was terrible in my 20's, I would bend over backwards to help people, all the while never realizing that they did nothing in return and actually criticized me when I didn't do enough for them. I think back to this, and my older two children probably suffered as a result of my inability to say no.

In 2000, I became ill after having my last child. All my co-worker "friends" were nice for the first month or so, then they disappeared. I didn't want anything from them except maybe to visit on the phone here and there. At first I thought it was because they didn't know what to say because I was so sick, but I later realized it was because I had nothing left to offer.

Sorry to talk about myself OP, but many here have experienced something similar to what your are going through and want to help. You're already way ahead of where I was because you are questioning this woman's behavior to someone other than your husband. Take all this advice, use what you can, and run far far away from this person and put the guilt aside. Pray about it, talk about it, but don't let it hurt you or your family.

 

[StephMK]

Don't think of it as going back on your word because you honestly did not know all the obligations when you agreed. Turn that thought around into - "preserving your sanity and own financial well being"!

I can't even comment on the outrageous demands she has and I'm not good w/confrontations either. However, this is an extreme case so I think you have to brace yourself & let the chips fall where they may. Based on what you've told us, your fellow co-workers probably know her ways & talk about how sorry they feel for you already. Even if she tries to talk trash later, I can't believe anyone will feel for her.

I like the suggestions - you just can't fufill all the obligations - but you would still like to be a role model (if you choose to stay in touch). Those poor kids will need a good dose of reality from someone! If she doesn't understand that you work to support YOUR family, not supplement her crazy maternal desires, then you can't feel bad because she's totally out of line.