What should children call their step parents?

[ClarabelleCowFan]

Without going into too much background, I'm just curious what others think.

What should a child call their step parents?

My DH is stepfather to my older 2 children (ages 16 & 11). They call him by his first name. It never dawned on any of us to have them call him anything else. Their father is very much a part of their lives even though he lives a few states away. They call their father "Dad".

My DH's ex remarried 2 years ago and is demanding that their children (ages 8 1/2 and 5 1/2) call her new husband "Dad" and my DH (their biological father who is very much in their lives!) by his first name now. We have addressed this in court and the ex has been admonished by the court and told not to do that anymore. The ex called DH on the way home from court and told him that she wasn't going to abide by that because she didn't think it was wrong for her kids to call her new husband "Dad" instead of DH.

My DH of course is extremely hurt when he hears his children call someone else "Dad".

Should you lose your title as Mom or Dad when you divorce and become the non-custodial parent?

 

[mom2boys77]

Aww I'm sorry for your dh..that's just wrong. I call my stepmom by her first name (she is only 2 years older than me though lol) and I also call my stepdad by his first name.

 

[GraysMom]

You decided to bite the bullet and post . You go girl !

 

[Minnie]

Should you lose your title as Mom or Dad when you divorce and become the non-custodial parent?

Absolutely not!!!!!!!!!!!

That is beyond rediculous. My ex's new wife is not my DS's mother and he sure the heck doesn't call her that. He call her by her first name and calls my DF by his first name.

Mom and dad are reserved for well.... mom and dad

 

[bumbershoot]

What a nasty woman!

It would be one thing if their biodad was absolutely out of the picture, if the stepdad had always been the one dad in their lives, and THEY chose to call him dad as an honorific. But this situation doesn't qualify in even one, let alone all 3, which is what I feel would be necessary.


My stepdads and stepmom have always been called by their name, except for one time when I introducted my second stepdad as my dad (b/c I was particularly appreciating him at the moment and it was just not necessary for the person I was introducing him to to know who, exactly, he was to me).

I can't even imagine a stepparent, let alone a bioparent, insisting that a small child, who has a totally involved, living other bioparent, call a relatively new step by the honorific.


All that said...it's just a title. I myself called my wonderful darling awesome mom by her name from the time I turned 4 until she died. My brother went back and forth between title and name. She answered happily to either, and it always made it easier at grocery stores because there are very few "Judy" people, and scads of "moms". So it's not horrible to be called by your name, though it does help if you are OK with it (since some kids use it as a punishment, LOL, like my half brothers when they are angry with my dad, who DOES insist on being called "dad" by us all).

Still doesn't make it feel OK to insist that kids with devoted parents swap out the dad and stepdad titles!

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

You decided to bite the bullet and post . You go girl !

I look smashing in my flame suit, don't ya know.

I have seen step parents threads get nasty. Not looking for any drama - just opinions.

 

[taximomfor4]

My stepmom wanted us to call her some form of "Mom"...we stubbornly refused. We called her by her first name. My stepdad (who we lived with), we called a form of fatherly address that was NOT "Dad."

I must say, my stepmom never told us to stop calling our mother "Mom", she just wanted to be called "Mom" or something like it in ADDITION. We still wanted no part of that.

My oldest dd is from a previous marriage. She has known my dh since she was not even 3, and lived with him since she was 4 1/2. She calls him by his first name and he has never even hinted that he has a problem with that. She knows (and her father knows) that no matter what she calls dh, he has been a huge part of her upbringing. The sense of relationship is there, no matter what she calls dh.

Interestingly enough, the 3 kids we have together have never asked why that is.

 

[phillmolly]

I have always called my stepmom by her name, although when I refer to my dad and stepmom, I just say my parents, my mom is just my mom. Also if I am talking to my halfbrothers I will refer to her as mom. But I only have one mother, she is the only one I call mom.

I think the Ex wife is being petty, she obviously still has issues to being doing something like that.

 

[MariDisney]

My DD calls DH by his first name. By the time we thought she should call him something else it was too late. She played around with things like Pop for awhile, but nothing stuck. She's 10.5 now and he's been in our lives since she was 2.5. Lately, she's been calling him the end of our last name (not her last name, obviously). Like if our name was Marrino, she's calling him Rino. It's sort of cute. Who knows if it'll stick forever or if it's just a phrase. We don't get hung up on it. Her "bio dad" is about to remarry and she calls his DF Miss "First name". She started out as her Sunday school teacher and ended up being her future stepmother (things that make you go hmmm). So the "Miss" thing was firmly in place. I think my ex and the Miss are trying to change it, but it's not sticking. Her kids call my ex Mr. First name. I think THAT sounds a little weird out in public, but whatever.

We've made a consistent effort since she was little to teach her that families aren't built on titles or blood connections but on love, and we can define things however we want to.

 

[cheermom1]

I am a step mom and it never dawned on me to "make" the kids call me mom or anything like that. they call me my name and sometimes slip up and call me mom. I don;t say anything to them when they do this I let them do what they feel comfortable with...it is so very wrong to make a kid call someone that is NOT their parent mom or dad they need to do what they feel comfortable doing. and if the other parent like in your case force the kids to call their step parent mom or dad they will resent their mom or dad for doing that. plus resent the step parent for letting it happen. that is not good for her she would think about it...

 

[joviroxx]

Both my parents got remarried when I was in my late twenties so Im not calling either one of them Mom or dad. I call SF by his name and SM, well, I call her Step-Monster, but thats another story.

My kids dont call them grandparent names either.

 

[JOCAmom]

My oldest dd is from a previous marriage. She has known my dh since she was not even 3, and lived with him since she was 4 1/2. She calls him by his first name and he has never even hinted that he has a problem with that. She knows (and her father knows) that no matter what she calls dh, he has been a huge part of her upbringing. The sense of relationship is there, no matter what she calls dh.

Interestingly enough, the 3 kids we have together have never asked why that is.

I could have written this except DH has DS from a previous relationship. I've always been called by my first name by DS. I'm not his "mom" even though he will always be mine in a way. Nor has he ever been referred to as a "half-brother" in our house to our other children. He's their brother...no ifs, ands or buts about it. I love him no differently than the children DH and I have together. But I know how titles can be used to hurt the innocent. I won't play that game. He'll always call me by my first name to make things easier for him.

My parents divorce after 29 years of marriage and my dad is now remarried. My mom is in a committed relationship for quite a few years. My step-mom is my step-mom called usually by her first name. Once in a while, I'll yell out MOM if we are goofy around but she knows know matter how much I love her, she's not my mom. She'll never have that place in my heart. And my mom's boyfriend....always by his first name. Different type of relationship with him.

OP, I'm sorry your DH is being put through this with his EX. I've seen first hand how it can affect the kids. I know it's hurtful but it is just a title. In their heart of hearts, they know who "Dad" is. It's hard but maybe he can take a little comfort in that.

 

[ncmickeyluvr]

I think it should be the child's choice. If the child wants to call the step-dad something, it's noone's business. Not the biodad, not the Mom, just the child's choice. That being said, I was raised by a stepdad since I was 3 and I still call him by his first name but only because my stepsister pitched a fit the first time she heard me call him Daddy.

Did anyone even bother to ask the children what they wanted?

 

[Tink888]

I call my step-dad by his first name. I love him dearly, he is a second father to me but my biological Dad is my "Dad" and he's the only person who gets that title from me. (My in-laws are deceased so no Mom or Dad thing going on there either).

My step-daughter calls me by my first name. I think of myself, and she of me, as her second Mom but I've never asked her to call me that. I'm secure enough in the relationship that I'm fine with just my name and I don't want to be called Mom out of respect for her Mom.

To me, in my world, only biological parents get the title of Mom or Dad in a step-family situation. Now I realize that some biological parents are hardly "parents" in the true sense of the word and every family is different, but in my situation and my family that's how I feel.

I know that if DH and I ever divorced and one or both of us remarried, I'd be so incredibly hurt to have my sons call another woman Mom. Maybe it's just a word, maybe I'm irrational but that's how I'd feel. And I'd never make my boys call anyone else Dad either.

Just my humble opinion, how everyone else does it is there own business.

 

[Over the Rainbow]

My dd's call my husband their stepdad by his first name. They call their step-mother by her first name. I will allways be Mom as will my exhusband always be Daddy to them.

 

[NMAmy]

I'm a stepmother and DH is a stepfather and it's first names around here. In fact, when dd was young, she'd introduce us as, "This is my mom and this is my Alex." Like everyone had one of each.

OP--the ex is out of line and I'm sorry your family is going through this.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My brother married someone with a son (age 8 I think) and he called my brother dad. This boy had no father as he was deceased. My brother adopted this boy and he called him dad after that.

They divorced (boy was 16) and he still calls him dad. He wanted a father his whole life.

So you can be a "dad" even if you are a former step parent. We treat him like his is still our nephew. I don't think there is anything wrong with that.

 

[kellyg403]

I was raised by my mom and stepdad. My bio dad never was in the picture after I turned about 2, so my whole life I have called stepdad 'dad'. My siblings from their marriage are my brothers and sisters, no steps/or halfs. My mom never accepted that type of language in the house.

My children call dh by his first name and my sdd's call me by my first name. But they call each other sisters/brothers.

I agree with the other posters, dad is dad and mom is mom, especially if they are 100% in the picture and committed to the parent/child relationship. The ex is whacko for trying to make something be what it isn't.

Kelly

 

[PatsMom]

My stepchildren call me by my first name. OP, I am so sorry you are having to go through this. The ex is out of line. The decision to call a step parent Mom or Dad should really be the child's IMHO. And even if they call a step parent Mom or Dad, it doesn't mean that they should call their bio parent by the first name. You can have more than one Dad or Mom.

 

[Boston Tea Party]

We call my stepdad Captain Mac. He was a captain in the Army and has a last name that begins with "Mc."

He actually dated a friend of my mom when we first met him. It didn't seem right to call him by his first name then as we were only 8 and 10 years old, so the family friend suggested we call him Captain Mac.

When he began seeing my mom the name stuck, and thirty years later we still call him that.

I hope that this gets sorted out soon.