What should children call their step parents?

[jillyb]

I'm a Stepmom (or Bonus Mom, if you prefer that!) and my Stepdaughter calls me by my first name. I'm not her Mom and I don't deserve or demand that "title" from her. DH's Ex, on the other hand, has no qualms about telling SD to call her Stepdad "Dad". He doesn't deserve that title IMO.

A woman that makes their child call another man Dad when he has no biological connection (especially when the bio father is very involved with the kids) is an evil, evil person. It's just an attempt to alienate the children from their real Dad and it's despicable.

 

[puffkin]

This is just my personal opinion, but I think the time, money and effort in fighting this custody issue should be mainly focused on the visitiation/phone contact issues and not the "titles" each person has.

I do think exwife is wrong. I don't really have a problem with the kids calling the stepfather "Dad" but it is ABSOLUTELY WRONG that she is making them call their father by his first name. I can understand in conversation if they refer to him as Dad first name to avoid confusion, but she should in no way MAKE THEM call him by his first name. If the kids are comfortable calling the step father dad, I also don't see a huge problem with that either.

I also think this is one more way that exwife is using the children as pawns in the custody battle. I think the more you go after this particular issue, the uglier things will get. I would honestly make sure your DH is still referred to as Dad and continue to focus on the bigger picture, which is the phone contact and visitiation.

Hang in there...

 

[cheermom1]

I'm a Stepmom (or Bonus Mom, if you prefer that!) and my Stepdaughter calls me by my first name. I'm not her Mom and I don't deserve or demand that "title" from her. DH's Ex, on the other hand, has no qualms about telling SD to call her Stepdad "Dad". He doesn't deserve that title IMO.

A woman that makes their child call another man Dad when he has no biological connection (especially when the bio father is very involved with the kids) is an evil, evil person. It's just an attempt to alienate the children from their real Dad and it's despicable.

ITA...I let my step sons call me what they felt comfortable with and that their mom made it very clear they are to never call me their mom. But that is ok i wasn't wanting them to unless they wanted to anyway and since I took it that way it made her very mad. anyway My kids on the other hand call their step dad "daddy" but that is b/c their father hasn't seen them since they were babies and do not know him at all. He is just now wanting to get to know them. It should always be the child's choice and the situation. You should never force a child do something like that, for one the kid will resent the one making the kid call someone who is not their mom or dad, mom or dad. Your dh's ex needs to think about it b4 she does something like that, it will bite her in butt one day.

 

[luvsJack]

It should totally be up to the child.

My ex's second (now second ex) wife wanted my sons to call her "mom" when they were there and to call dh "dad" when they were here. Seemed confusing to me.

We told them to call dh what was comfortable to them and they have always called him by his first name. It is in no way a show of non-respect. They both think of him as their father; much more so than their dad.

When she was working so called to be called mom, my older ds (always trying to please) just quit calling her anything. He said he just never said a name at all when talking to her or about her. My younger ds is a bit more outspoken and every time he tried to talk to her and he called her name, she would correct him and say "mom" and he would say "mom's not here" and continue telling her whatever it was he was trying to say. Disrespectful? Maybe, but he felt as though she was being disrespectful to him and his family for trying to make him call her something that he didn't feel comfortable with.

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

If it upsets the kids and she is refusing to let their father see the kids, maybe you should sue for custody.

That has been discussed but the court system we are dealing with would never grant that.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Your husband most assuredly should be DAD.

My best friend married my husbands best friend. Her son calls her husband what my kids call him...."Uncle Keith"!!!!

That's funny but cute too!

OP, the ex could be in contempt of court if she continues to make the kids not call their actual father by the name DAD. Time to get el lawyer into action.

She has no respect for the court. She has been in contempt before and the court does nothing to her. DH was on the phone with his attorney immediately and he said just to document everything and we can file another court case. The only people who win in these court battles are the attorneys.

OP we talked about this last night. Your DH is their Dad. He is still in their lives and has fought tooth and nail to keep in contact with his kids. The kids shouldn't call him by his first name especially with pressure from mom to do so. If she didn't want them to call the stepdad by his first name they could have come up with a different 'name' for him but your DH is still 'Dad'.

This is just my personal opinion, but I think the time, money and effort in fighting this custody issue should be mainly focused on the visitiation/phone contact issues and not the "titles" each person has.

I do think exwife is wrong. I don't really have a problem with the kids calling the stepfather "Dad" but it is ABSOLUTELY WRONG that she is making them call their father by his first name. I can understand in conversation if they refer to him as Dad first name to avoid confusion, but she should in no way MAKE THEM call him by his first name. If the kids are comfortable calling the step father dad, I also don't see a huge problem with that either.

I also think this is one more way that exwife is using the children as pawns in the custody battle. I think the more you go after this particular issue, the uglier things will get. I would honestly make sure your DH is still referred to as Dad and continue to focus on the bigger picture, which is the phone contact and visitiation.

Hang in there...

Bolded by me - I totally agree. There are so many things going on to alienate the children from their father that it is sad. The poor kids are caught in the middle. The oldest told DH several disturbing things during this visitation that I can't get into here but it is very upsetting.

I do appreciate everyone sharing their input. Thanks!

 

[angie@dvcstore]

In my opinion they should call their step-parents by their 1st name

 

[3prettyprincesses]

I call my step-mom by her first name. Behind her back, well, I call her something else! Trust me, she deserves it!

Seriously though, I feel terrible for you and your DH! He shouldn't have to worry about his kids calling someone else their dad. That is so wrong IMO and very confusing for them I'm sure. I hope it gets straightened out though. Good luck!

 

[Spinning]

we call my step dad Steppy...sounds odd I know but when my mom remarried I was in my 30's and had a child. We were more concerned about what my DD should call him. It all came about as a joke. I couldn't have her call him papaw that was my dad's name. DH dad was Pop pop...then we had my brother's kids who had grandpa and grand dad...jokingly I just said we'll call you steppy and it stuck! He loves it and so do we. I of course usually just call him by his first name.

I think his ex is terrible. Just because she is remarried he doens't loose his dad status. Something is serisouly wrong with that.

 

[Chelley00]

My older sons call my husband, their stepdad "Stad". Its a name I also call my stepdad. Just stepdad without the tep The boys call their stepmom by her first name, basically because she's much younger and more of a sister than a stepmom to them I would have huge issues with them calling her mom, and I wouldn't want them to call my husband Dad.

 

[Tiggernut_jadie]

I think it should be the child's choice. If the child wants to call the step-dad something, it's noone's business. Not the biodad, not the Mom, just the child's choice.

I completely agree with this - the child should be able to choose and the adults in the situation should be 'adult' enough to respect the child's choices.

My neice's father walked out on my sister before the baby was born. He had been abusive to my sister and had also spent time in jail for various minor crimes - they were not married (thank goodness!). My sister never stopped him from having access but his visits were pretty sporadic throughout her early childhood. When my neice was 4 my sister met and later married a wonderful man who from day one treated my neice like his own - he had no kids previously and my sister could not have any more. At the beginning my neice would call her bio father 'Daddy' and step-father Ian. As time went on this transformed into Daddy Clive and Daddy Ian.

My neice is now 20 (yesterday!) and for the last 10 years her bio dad has been Clive and step-dad is Dad. Her bio father has never been happy with this and used to insist she called him Dad. My sister ensured my neice saw her dad whenever he wanted to during her childhood but when my neice turned 18 she told her bio dad that she wanted nothing more to do with him and that Ian was her Dad and always would be. She has not seen Clive for 2 years now.

All of this has been 100% her choice.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I call my stepdad Bob. Not sure why, his name is David.

Just kidding. His name is Bob.


One time an older friend of theirs chastised me for calling him by his name. She said he is like a father to me (when mine wasn't) and I should call him Dad. I just shrugged as I was, at that time, about 25 years old!

 

[oregonmommyof2]

I have a Step Dad and Step Mom...

Step Dad came into my life at the age of 4... Has been a Dad ever since, I was never told what to call him, and I don't remember when, but I did end up calling him Dad/Daddy... We never used the word step in our house... We were a family, that was it... He also brought a son into the marriage, he called my Mom... Mom... His mother had a fit, but he didn't seem to care, other then the times she instructed him to call her "witch" only with a b at the front... That honestly just pushed him closer to my Mom...

Now my Step Mom, she is a nice person and has pretty much always been good to me, but she didn't take on that Mom roll when I was there... More like the friend or something... I call her by her first name... She is only like 10 years older than me so there is no way she would have gone for anything else that made her seem older... She always referred to me as "(Dad's name)'s daughter" it was never ever her step daughter...

My husband is not my son's biological Dad, but has been around since he turned 1.. At first he called him by his first name... Then he started calling him "My Mommy Daddy" then it turned just to Daddy, and now Dad... His biological Dad has not been in the picture for many years, but the last time he saw him he didn't know what to call him since he didn't know him, so he called him "Uncle Jason" since all he knew is it was Aunt Nikki's brother...

I think it should be left up to the child... I believe the title of Mom or Dad is earned... And should never be forced...

 

[decaff38]

My stepson(29) called me by my first name. We now joke that I am the Wicked Step Mother and and he is my "Evil step son. It has been a long tough road for us. Almost 15 years now. We both love each other and accept each other with our faults. Hang in there step parents!!

 

[Jewel1310]

I had a step dad growing up from about the age of 12. We started out calling him by his first name, but it was decided that it was awkward (by him) so it was switched to dad.

I had step children and had them call me by my first name. At first I think they were hurt but it seemed right. My step daughter has a son and he calls me grandma.

I am divorced from their dad (was married to their dad for 22 years) and still think of them as my kids even though I may refer to them as step kids. They have been part of my life so long and I think of them as "my kids".

 

[chattyann]

I am a stepmom. I have been with my DH since my stepson was 1.5 years old. It has never mattered to me what he called me. He has called me Mom and then he has used my first name. Actually, it is very cute with my first name instead of saying it like Tonya he always called me Tonna when he was really small and it stuck. Now he is 18 and it varies from Mom to Tonna depending on the mood. He will always be just as loved and important to me as my own two are. I do not call him stepson to others, he is my son just as mine are. And they are his brothers, not 1/2 brothers. I think it is important to let the children make that decision.

 

[JOCAmom]

Sadly, since the ex started this she has refused to let DH see his own children (thus why we went to court) and had tried to cut off phone contact as well. The youngest child has been basically brainwashed and when DH was finally allowed by the ex to see them after a year of being repeatedly denied his court ordered visitation, the child told DH that he wasn't his Dad - that his stepfather was his Dad. That broke DH's heart and it was addressed in court by the judge. The oldest child told DH several times that the Mom makes them call the stepfather Dad. He is very sad when he says it and it is obvious that he doesn't want to do that but does it to avoid the wrath of his mother.

I am so sorry. That is just horrible. DH's ex is bad but not nearly that bad. She did go as far as to list her current flavor of the month as DS's father on all his school papers as his father with no mention anywhere of DH. We never even found out until DH fought for custody and had to go pick up DS at school. They were not going to release DS to DH because he wasn't on any of the papers. Thank goodness for the court order.

Sending you and your DH lots of hugs and lots of strength in this most difficult battle.

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

I am so sorry. That is just horrible. DH's ex is bad but not nearly that bad. She did go as far as to list her current flavor of the month as DS's father on all his school papers as his father with no mention anywhere of DH. We never even found out until DH fought for custody and had to go pick up DS at school. They were not going to release DS to DH because he wasn't on any of the papers. Thank goodness for the court order.

Sending you and your DH lots of hugs and lots of strength in this most difficult battle.

Thanks. Hugs to you guys as well.

We discovered during this latest court battle that DH is not on any of his children's school paperwork either.

I have a good friend who had it worse than our situation though. His ex was using the stepfather's last name for the children on all school records, dance recital programs, etc... even though it wasn't their legal last name. My friend had to get a court order to have his ex cut out that nonsense. At least my DH's ex hasn't gone that far yet!

 

[Disney Doll]

Her kids call my ex Mr. First name. I think THAT sounds a little weird out in public, but whatever.

This makes me think Saturday NIght Live....." Oh noooooo....Mr.Bill......."

 

[Inigo]

My brother married someone with a son (age 8 I think) and he called my brother dad. This boy had no father as he was deceased. My brother adopted this boy and he called him dad after that.

They divorced (boy was 16) and he still calls him dad. He wanted a father his whole life.

So you can be a "dad" even if you are a former step parent. We treat him like his is still our nephew. I don't think there is anything wrong with that.

Well, in your family's case, this boy is your brother's son and your nephew. Your brother is dad to him. Adoption makes him as much a part of your family as if your brother's sperm contributed to this child.

 

[kafitty]

ugh, so sad, what a controlling witch.

my parents split when i was about 1, and my step-parents have been around since i was probably about 3 or 4...but use their first names with both of them. Actually, now that i think about it, i use his formal (long) name for my stepdad, while i use the shortened version of my stepmom's name. Why? Who the heck knows. i guess that's just what my parent's told me to do, and since all 4 parents were/are VERY much involved in my life, it helped to keep down the confusion.

however, my younger brother is actually my adopted half brother, in that my biological father adopted my bro from his bio dad when he was age 8 or so. He changed his last name to our family name and everything, and he must have been calling our father "dad" long before then. His bio dad was a complete scumbag who wasn't involved in the lives of any of his children (from many different mothers ), and my father has been the one supporting him emotionally and fiscally for his entire life. Bio dad STILL owes back-child support from the 80's until my father adopted him, at which point he was released from any further debt.

My dad has as many faults as anyone (which i am always happy to point out for him ) but i am forever grateful/in awe of his decision to treat my brother as his own. i am so glad to see others in agreement, that "family" has nothing to do with blood.