what makes parents kick their kids out?

[castleview]

My neighbor is selling her house and downsizing, but we think this is her way of telling the kids to move on.

 

[minkydog]

Thank you for all the well wishes. I know we are going to need them.
I totally agree with the above post. Basically that is what we offered to all 3 of our children. The girls were grateful for our help, both with college expenses and housing. They were a joy to have living in the house. I would offer them a temporary home anytime. However, DS is a different story. We told him he would have to save part of his earning (the short time he did work-6 weeks in 3 yrs), save part of an insurance settlement he recieved....nope....he claims, "we can't make him". We told him he had to pay $25 a week in rent....never got it. So.....basically our only recourse is to either put up with being held hostage in our own home or put up with it.
Oh.....and I forgot to mention that we have paid for 2 drug treatment programs to help him come off the RX drugs. The drs cut him off 2 yrs ago....and surprise surprise....he found other ways to get the drugs.....which developed into a huge addiction. Because of the new insurance rules we can re-instate him on our med insurance for a yr. We told him we would do this if he would agree to go to an in-house 30 day program....Of course...he refused and said he didnt have a problem.

As you know, addicts behave like what they are...addicts. My heart goes out to you. I know you wish things were different. But there comes a time when a parent has to draw the line in the concrete--forget the sand, you're way past that point. You're doing everything you should. This young man is not going to fend for himself until he is made to.And you know that an addict is a master of manipulating feelings, so that *you* feel like the bad guy,*you* question yourself constantly. It's never their fault, you know. Tough love is really, really tough. I think what a lot of parents don't get is that our kids can be amazingly resourceful when they have to be. I know you will worry about your son--I would too in your shoes. But ultimately, his life is up to him to work out. He's old enough to be responsible for his own stupid choices. And I'm sure at some point he *will* be held accountable, by you, by the courts, etc.

If you can swing it financially I would suggest you go ahead and add him to the insurance. Even if he doesn't seek treatment, you will rest knowing that you have truly done what you could for him. Unfortunately, as an adult he has the right to make bad decisions. It's just so hard to stand by and watch them self-destruct.

 

[disykat]

I think there's a lot of room between expecting the same lifestyle you lived at your parents home and not wanting to dodge bullets or listen to hookers & their johns all night long. I've had my share of struggles and I assume my kids will too, but I've never lived with rats or in a place where I had to be afraid to come home late (rather important since my college job was working at a sports/concert venue) and I can't imagine kicking my kids out to those sort of conditions as some sort of character building exercise.

Who said they're expecting their kids to live in those circumstances? I'll expect my kids to get a reasonable place and share it. Around here you can make over $1000 a month pretty easily even on minimum wage. I think it's very reasonable most places to expect to be able to find a place with roommates where your share is $500 or less. A bus pass, some money for food, and you're pretty much set. Right now, young adults can stay on their parent's health insurance, they can stay on their parent's cell phone bill and just pay the $10 a month for the extra phone, etc.

I worked days, not at the career of my choice, and moonlit retail for Christmas. I shared with several roommates, initially sharing a bedroom with another gal, then working my way up to having my own room, etc. I "launched" in the early 80's. Most people I knew were doing the same. Personally I spent about 3 years doing that sort of thing before settling into my career and being paid well enough to be out of the "starving student" phase. I certainly never lived with rats and hookers. I just didn't live in executive accommodations.

My dh, whom I didn't know at the time yet, DID get a great job right out of college. However, he still lived the "starving student" lifestyle for a few years. (Honestly, I've seen where he lived and there may have been a few rats in that equation!) He paid off all his loans, THEN he started upgrading his lifestyle.

 

[Andtototoo]

I know of two six kids kicked out by their parents.

Five: kicked out when they turned 18 and custodial parent had remarried/gotten a new SO and the new partner insisted s/he did not want offspring from prior relationship in house any more. It reminded me of a documentary I saw about lions and how when a new lion takes over the pride, he will kill any cubs sired by his predecessor to establish his dominance over the pride. That's pretty much what happens in these households -- new SO comes in and wants to ensure that all evidence of prior partner is eradicated, so the kid is kicked out. And I will further note that those kids are NOT welcome back home, even for holidays. They are now dead to the family.

One: Child was a slacker who dropped out of college, didn't work too hard, had entitlement issues. But you know what? Newsflash -- how did the kid get that way in the first place? Because her parents spoiled her and raised to be entitled. Then they set her "free" and were somehow shocked when it did not go well. How could it go well when they never helped her learn life skills?

I have to say I am LOLing at the notion that an 18 year old could make it around here on a minimum wage job. High rent, no public transportation, lots of seasonal work... yeah, there's a recipe for success.

I will also add that I HOPE my dd never has to go thru what I went thru as an 18 year old on my own. I worked 60+ hours per week, had no car, shared an apartment with three other teens. It was not character building, it was nothing more than survival. No lessons learned, no virtues blossomed. Being hungry is not character building. Having your home broken into by a gang high on PCP and hiding under the bed is not character building. Being sexually harassed on the bus every day no matter which bus you take is not character building. Having the electricity turned off is not character building. Debating about stealing toilet paper at work because you don't have any money to buy some of your own is not character building.

 

[TDC Nala]

Nice of you to look after them. But you're only getting one side of the story, and they're legally adults. I am sure the parents may be unreasonable in some circumstances, but in others maybe not.

I would guess they are going to have to start looking for a job. Any job. And some roommates.

 

[rigs32]

I also think this trend toward cushy college housing with all the amenities is not helping young people. As PPs stated, lots of young people think they should have the exact same standard of living as when they were at home and the idea of "lean years" hasn't even crossed their mind.

I know some people who lived at home for 5+ years after college not paying rent and socking away lots of money while still having a ton of extra cash. They are now buying homes and I'm still renting. In my city, there would be little financial advantage to buying right now, so I'm content. And I'm quite happy to have been on my own since I left for college at 17, but I get annoyed by those who think they are suddenly better because they own their home. But for their parents generosity, I doubt that would be possible. And maybe I'm just jealous that I don't have well-off parents giving me large sums of cash.

 

[rie'smom]

We've had 2 different girls at 2 different times living with us since last year.
The first one moved back to her house, fought with her mom again and is now living with her boyfriend. They are trying to have a baby SHe turned 17 last summer.

The other girl is here now. She doesn't get along with her stepfather. This girl is super bright, involved in a million school activities and will go to college next year.

 

[penn19]

You can certainly pay rent working full time at McD's, it may take housemates and sacrifices but it most certainly IS possible. The problem is that these young adults expect to be able to live a certain lifestyle, with nicer cars, the latest and greatest cellphones with and the bills that go with them, designer clothes, etc. It all goes back to that entitlement mentality, they think they are entitled to it all but don't realize what having it "all" really takes. As far as I'm concerned the age of 20 is the perfect age to figure it out. I don't want my kids to be living here when they are that age, I want them living in some 2 bedroom apt sharing it with 3 friends, driving a POS car, eating ramen and peanutbutter because that will make them appreciate what it takes to get beyond that. I will always be there for them, they will always be welcome home (aside from doing drugs and other criminal activity) but I'm raising them so that they will want to try to live on their own, even if that means at first they have to struggle a little for it. I have seen what not having to worry or struggle for anything does to a young adult, and there is no way my kids are going to be like that if I have anything to do about it.

ETA I'm not talking about someone who is a full time college student, but if my kids want to live off campus then they will be expected to pay for the difference.

I have friends whose girls get their nails done, highlights done etc.....at 11!!! They carry I Phones in elementary school. Of course they have the expectations that they shouldn't have to "slum it" .
I know every generation probably says this, but I think this current group of 18-24 year olds have no clue. We won't let them fail, and we are doing a huge diservice by not allowing the failure to happen. Not sure if parents do it, so THEY themselves don't look bad or what.

 

[punkin]

I have friends whose girls get their nails done, highlights done etc.....at 11!!! They carry I Phones in elementary school. Of course they have the expectations that they shouldn't have to "slum it" .
I know every generation probably says this, but I think this current group of 18-24 year olds have no clue. We won't let them fail, and we are doing a huge diservice by not allowing the failure to happen. Not sure if parents do it, so THEY themselves don't look bad or what.

My 18 yo is in college working her butt off. I think she has a clue.

 

[penn19]

My 18 yo is in college working her butt off. I think she has a clue.

I don't recall singling out your 18 yo. I was more referring to the demographic of kids who, according to some on this board, shouldn't have to struggle. That's great that yours is not.

 

[rie'smom]

This generation has been screwed if you ask me. When we went to college, we knew that we would have a job waiting after graduation. Those who went to trade school had jobs waiting as well. It was a given. These kids go through high school and see older brothers and sisters or friends who went to college or trade school and end up unemployed or working menial jobs. It has affected the way they look at the world. It's hard for a generation like mine to see the difference sometimes.
If some of the kids have entitlement issues blame their parents.

 

[punkin]

I don't recall singling out your 18 yo. I was more referring to the demographic of kids who, according to some on this board, shouldn't have to struggle. That's great that yours is not.

I am currently supporting my DD, both financially and emotionally. I did not kick her out of the house the day she attained her majority. I did not ship her off to school and tell her "good luck. don't come home." I do everything in my power to make sure she does not, as you say, have to struggle. Nevertheless, she is working hard and making me extremely proud.

She is a good child, but she is not exceptional. I know many, many children (and yes, at that age they are still children in my eyes) who are doing exactly what my DD is doing. The entire demographic is not rotten as you suggest.

 

[RitaE]

Quote:
Originally Posted by luvsJack View Post
Sorry, folks, but McD's doesn't pay rent.
I think that's something that gets lost in the "I had lean years, I survived" stories - the world has changed a lot in the last couple generations. Wages, especially for the unskilled, haven't even come close to keeping up with the rising cost of living. To say nothing of the skyrocketing costs of college, or the increasing dependence on credit scoring not only in securing housing but also in pricing certain essential products like car and health insurance.

While I absolutely agree that it is extremely difficult to support yourself on minimum wage jobs and pay the rent working at McD - I also have to point out that sitting your butt on the couch in your Mom's basement, smoking pot, drinking beer, and playing XBox 18 hours a day pays even less.

The fact remains that I'm sure there are cases of parents who just don't want their kids anymore and say leave - bye. I really don't know of any but I'm sure it happens.

In my experience most parents who say "get out" go through tremendous emotional upheaval over the decision. Because again, by the time your "kid" is 23 or so years old, your parenting choices are extremely limited.

"Johnny, get a job tomorrow or I'm sending you to bed with no dinner!"

And believe me, I've seen more than my share of 30 year olds still on that basement couch.

These parents just have to make the hard choice and trust that very few able bodied people are going to choose sitting on a street corner and starving over finally applying for some work and motivating themselves into something more productive.

 

[MrsPete]

Wow, this thread came at a time when I needed to read these posts. We have a 25yr old son living at home. He moved out at 18 saying we were too strict (we did expect him to abide by the same common rules that we did). He moved in with my elderly mom..pretty much ran wild for 3 yrs and caused some problems at her house (she wouldnt allow us to have him removed) . . .

Mom, is that you? It sounds like you're telling the story of one of my siblings (minus the drugs). He didn't get his butt in gear and start behaving like an adult until he was made to move out.

I remember days of getting by on very little to eat, living in slum housing and barely making it. It was dangerous and I would never allow my child to live in those circumstances.

You're describing my college years. They found a DEA agent dead in the dumpster of my apartment complex once. I was hungry sometimes, had holes in my only tennis shoes sometimes, but one positive: I had so many roommates that I was rarely alone in those dangerous apartments!

I'm kind of caught between "it made me stronger" and "I don't want my children to have to work as hard as I did". I really did have zero support. I think my husband and I have always done a pretty good job of walking that fine line between giving our children too little vs. overindulging them. I hope we'll continue to find that "just right" spot in their college years.

I can tell you in no uncertain terms that there would have been no chance of me sitting around the house doing nothing in the age 18-24 years. Had that been my choice, I owuld have been sitting around doing nothing elsewhere, because it would not have been in my parents house.

I don't understand WHY young adults WANT to do nothing -- and I had a brother who lived that lifestyle! I don't see WHY they don't see that this takes them nowhere.

I think that's something that gets lost in the "I had lean years, I survived" stories - the world has changed a lot in the last couple generations. Wages, especially for the unskilled, haven't even come close to keeping up with the rising cost of living. To say nothing of the skyrocketing costs of college, or the increasing dependence on credit scoring not only in securing housing but also in pricing certain essential products like car and health insurance.

Disagree. Minimum wage wouldn't have allowed me to pay rent in the 80s either. I "made it" by working a job on campus that gave me a free dorm room, then by splitting a 2-bedroom apartment with 5 people.

I just finished reading Scratch Beginnings, a book about a young man who set out to work his way up from the bottom (he wrote it to test the things he'd read in Nickel and Dimed). He started with the clothes on his back, an empty gym bag, and $25. He was very resourceful and worked like a dog, but less than a year later he had employment, housing (with a roommate), a truck, and money in savings. Admittedly, he wasn't trying to go to school -- he had all day available to work. He did have some setbacks, such as a medical injury that kept him from working for a short time. He made it because every single time an opportunity to make a dollar arose, he got off his butt and said, "Me! I'll do it!" Sometimes he worked for less than minimum wage. He literally shoveled dog poo. And he didn't spend more than he had to spend. But it paid off for him.

I really don't want my kids to have to sink to those depths (I don't mind them working hard, but I don't want them alone in a big city without adequate housing and with only pennies to their name), but he did this very recently, so it IS possible for a healthy young person who WANTS TO DO IT to make it in the world. Even today.

The problem with kids being raised now is the whole helicopter parenting craze . . . They've been so sheltered/protected their whole life that once they get out in the real world and out from under Mama's blades, they are lost and can't cope, so they retreat to a place that is familiar.

That's one end of the spectrum. On the other end of the spectrum are the parents who provide their kids with too large a safety net so that the kid doesn't have to do anything for himself.

Personally, I'm aimming for the healthy spot in the middle of these extremes.

My nephew is living off campus because it is less money-not more. Where did you get the idea that off campus housing is more expensive? My nephew pays $85 a month for his share of the rent in a four bedroom house within walking distance of his classes.

That's what I paid for my first apartment 25 years ago (the whole rent for the 2-bedroom apartment was $85 x 5 people, but the landlord only knew about two of us). Very few people will find rent that cheaply today.

My husband had FREE housing in college. A family allowed a few young men to live in their just-inherited house, and in exchange they were supposed to do rennovations (so that the family could sell the house after they graduated). In theory, it was a great idea. In reality, it was so time consuming that he almost flunked out of college -- it was the part-time job that never ended, and the people were never satisfied. He only stayed one semester.

We're investigating college costs right now, and I'm finding that it's cheaper to live on campus -- cheaper, that is, when you look at the big picture. The dorm includes electricity, cable and internet service. It has laundry facilities. You don't have to pay rent in the summer months (assuming you're not going to summer school, of course). The dorm comes with furniture -- furniture that you don't have to move. If your roommate moves out, you're not responsible for paying more /finding a new roommate.

The meal plans are over-priced. A student who can cook (and who WILL cook) can definitely do better; however, a student who'd just go through the fast food line would pay more -- both in money and in health costs.

When you consider the rents /dorm fees that are available to most people, and when you consider ALL those small costs, the dorm's going to come out cheaper. And you have to be realistic about what your student'll do: A teacher friend of mine told me that she and her husband were so incredibly poor during college that they couldn't afford heat, and they slept in knit hats and multiple layers of clothes. How many college students would really turn the heat off every night and put up with that? My sister claimed that if she could just have an apartment instead of a dorm, she'd save so much money on food! She planned to buy those frozen squares of broccoli (which at that point were about .50 each) for every meal. How long do you think that lasted?

I also think this trend toward cushy college housing with all the amenities is not helping young people. As PPs stated, lots of young people think they should have the exact same standard of living as when they were at home and the idea of "lean years" hasn't even crossed their mind.

We're touring colleges right now, and I haven't seen the "cushy" college housing yet. I've seen old buildings with little style, which are clean and functional. I've seen bathrooms down the hall, tile on the floors, and (in one dorm) fans in the windows. When we went to the first one, I held my breath, afraid that my daughter might say it was a slum -- she was enthralled because it represented freedom, something she wants badly. But on the luxury scale, it was a big step down from our middle-class house -- and our house is a little low on the middle-class scale.

I want her to live in a dorm for her first couple years for two reasons: 1) low cost, 2) a little more security than an off-campus apartment. Luxury isn't a factor for either her or me.

 

[Bell30012]

My daughter who is eight now... Gets to still live under my roof as long as she is still in school and isn't bringing home some guy with a piercing, tattoo and van. "As long as you live under my roof..."

I left home young and never looked back. However, I have one brother that never cut the umbilical cord. He just stretched it a bit... he lives next door to his mother to this day.

 

[sajetto]

18-24 year olds are not children.

At 24 I was married, had a Master's degree, and a full time carreer.


Either contribute or get your sorry butt out of the house. I'm glad I had parents who wouldn't put up with it.

 

[disykat]

This generation has been screwed if you ask me. When we went to college, we knew that we would have a job waiting after graduation. Those who went to trade school had jobs waiting as well. It was a given. These kids go through high school and see older brothers and sisters or friends who went to college or trade school and end up unemployed or working menial jobs. It has affected the way they look at the world. It's hard for a generation like mine to see the difference sometimes.
If some of the kids have entitlement issues blame their parents.

Seriously? When did you graduate? I knew very few, if any, people who had "jobs waiting for them" when they graduated. (I graduated in the 1983) It was practically a given that you spent a few years working menial jobs while waiting for the right opportunity. While it would have been nice, it never occurred to me to "expect" otherwise.

 

[bluesaturn]

I don't recall singling out your 18 yo. I was more referring to the demographic of kids who, according to some on this board, shouldn't have to struggle. That's great that yours is not.

You said this current group of 18-24 year olds have no clue. Which sounds like, individuals who are currently between the ages of 18 and 24 years old have no clue. Which is completely untrue, there are plenty of us who have it together. No need to paint an entire generation with the same brush.

It seems like there's a whole bunch of middle age adults who have no clue, and have credit card bills, bankruptcies, and foreclosures to show for it.

 

[mickeysgal]

And believe me, I've seen more than my share of 30 year olds still on that basement couch.

These parents just have to make the hard choice and trust that very few able bodied people are going to choose sitting on a street corner and starving over finally applying for some work and motivating themselves into something more productive.

And then there are those that at 45, yes 45, are still sitting on mommy's couch. That would be my brother. Married for less than a year. Can't/won't hold down a job - finds everything wrong with everything. Now has explosive anger issues - the world owes him everything. Sits in my mothers house and is emotionally abusive to her. She is the definition of the classic enabler - won't kick him out, she won't sell the house, she makes every excuse for him not matter how hard we've all tried, and it has now caused a huge rift in the family. No one wants to go there anymore because he acts like a jerk constantly. He should have been kicked to the curb DECADES ago. He's a brillant mechanic...he would have been fine...if he would have been kicked to the curb. It would have been the BEST thing for him. Now it's sad - what decades of this has done to a human being.

 

[rigs32]

We're touring colleges right now, and I haven't seen the "cushy" college housing yet.

Not all colleges provide it, but there are companies that are building private college housing that is super luxurious. I can't find any links quickly, but we're talking cable, internet, gyms, pools, concierge services. Stuff that I would pay 50% than my current rent to afford a complex like that.