what makes parents kick their kids out?

[Colleen27]

While this may seem very bad, there is really nothing wrong with it. The same exact scenario happened to my friend K. Now, her parents had discussed with her for years what would happen as her sibling all received similar treatment, but to others it may have looked bad. At the age of 18, K was out of her home and sent to college. She was given a bank account with enough money to get her through 4 years of college if she budgetted well. She was told there was only that bank account and she could not move home again. The sibling closest in age to her was 12 years older and she was the youngest of 4.

That isn't what I think of when I hear a teen/young adult has been kicked out - she still had her parents' financial support, just not their residence, and I could see doing something like that for a child who seemed to be having a hard time moving into adulthood.

When I think of "kicked out", I think of more of a sink or swim situation where the kid is on their own, not where the parents are still paying the bills even though the child no longer lives under their roof. Several of my friends who were kicked out couldn't even apply for financial aid for college, because their parents wouldn't fill out the required FAFSA information. They were really on their own - no support whatsoever from their parents at all.

 

[Chris2597]

I lived at home until I got married. The rules there were:

~If you are going to college you will work part time
~If you are not going to college, you will work full time
~You will follow the rules of the house. These were no terrible...your basic be respectful, pick up after yourself, help out with household things when needed

My parents did not require me to pay rent, however they did "strongly encourage" that I save part of my weekly paychecks.

I can tell you in no uncertain terms that there would have been no chance of me sitting around the house doing nothing in the age 18-24 years. Had that been my choice, I owuld have been sitting around doing nothing elsewhere, because it would not have been in my parents house.

Thank you for all the well wishes. I know we are going to need them.
I totally agree with the above post. Basically that is what we offered to all 3 of our children. The girls were grateful for our help, both with college expenses and housing. They were a joy to have living in the house. I would offer them a temporary home anytime. However, DS is a different story. We told him he would have to save part of his earning (the short time he did work-6 weeks in 3 yrs), save part of an insurance settlement he recieved....nope....he claims, "we can't make him". We told him he had to pay $25 a week in rent....never got it. So.....basically our only recourse is to either put up with being held hostage in our own home or put up with it.
Oh.....and I forgot to mention that we have paid for 2 drug treatment programs to help him come off the RX drugs. The drs cut him off 2 yrs ago....and surprise surprise....he found other ways to get the drugs.....which developed into a huge addiction. Because of the new insurance rules we can re-instate him on our med insurance for a yr. We told him we would do this if he would agree to go to an in-house 30 day program....Of course...he refused and said he didnt have a problem.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Wow, this thread came at a time when I needed to read these posts. We have a 25yr old son living at home. He moved out at 18 saying we were too strict (we did expect him to abide by the same common rules that we did). He moved in with my elderly mom..pretty much ran wild for 3 yrs and caused some problems at her house (she wouldnt allow us to have him removed). She passed away and he asked if he could move home. We agreed if he would work part time and go to school and abide by the house rules or he would have to get a full time job and be out of the house in 6 months. School/part time flopped...he dropped out(we paid and lost all school $$) and quit his job. We booted him out twice in the last 3 yrs for serious issues (stealing from us and drugs). He begged to come back with more promises. Against our better judgement we let him back in...things were better for a short time and then he reverted to his old ways. Since last May he has been fired from 3 jobs, had 4 car accidents, arrested for shoplifting, doesnt pay his bills (bill collectors constantly call for him and our mailbox is full of letters demanding he pay up), he has an addiction to RX drugs, smokes pot (I have found paraphanalia in his room),has traffic violation that he ignores, throws half eaten food under his bed, beer bottles thrown in his closet, is disrespectful, his room is a mess, leaves the kitchen a mess. I could go on and on. We are at our wits end. We don't want to see our son on the streets but we are sick and tired of being used. We also know that we are not helping him by enabling him to continue this way. We gave him notice in November that we have had enough and want him out by January. He said he would not leave and that he has established residency at our home. We have been forced to file eviction papers on him which will take 3 weeks to process. I am sure he will make us out to be horrible parents once he is out to anyone that will listen. He is good looking, clean cut, can be charming and a bit shy...very All-American looking. I am sure an outsider couldnt imagine him ever behaving as he has. We also have 2 girls that have completed college, work, and are married. They can barely tolerate their brother and the way he has treated us and the family. This is heartbreaking to be at the point of evicting your own child, no matter what their age, but we dont seem to have any other choice.

I would do the same.

 

[Colleen27]

Sorry, folks, but McD's doesn't pay rent.

I think that's something that gets lost in the "I had lean years, I survived" stories - the world has changed a lot in the last couple generations. Wages, especially for the unskilled, haven't even come close to keeping up with the rising cost of living. To say nothing of the skyrocketing costs of college, or the increasing dependence on credit scoring not only in securing housing but also in pricing certain essential products like car and health insurance.

 

[Christine]

I think that's something that gets lost in the "I had lean years, I survived" stories - the world has changed a lot in the last couple generations. Wages, especially for the unskilled, haven't even come close to keeping up with the rising cost of living. To say nothing of the skyrocketing costs of college, or the increasing dependence on credit scoring not only in securing housing but also in pricing certain essential products like car and health insurance.

This is so true.

In 1981 I graduated from high school and went to college. Most of my graduating class did not. Most of the women got office jobs and were able to move out of their parents home pretty quickly.

A year after college I decided I didn't want to be there and came home, and easily landed a job at a workman's comp. firm answering phones, processing checks, talking with clients. This was with ONE YEAR of college but even that was not required. I earned enough money to be able to move out with a friend of mine and get an apartment that was in commutable distance to my job.

I think doing this is UNHEARD of today. At least where I live. No one with a high school diploma is going to get a job like I did. Heck, it's hard enough for those with a 4 year degree.

I think it's very hard to get out on your own early these days.

 

[luvsJack]

Well I am going to counter that with how it is going to benefit a kid to stay with a parent who is a piece of crap to them?

If they kick them out for no reason, honestly it is probably better to get out and start their own life in the long run. The parents are probably not good parents to the kids anyway.

For some of them this is true, for some they did fine and one day BAM! Mom wants a new life. I don't understand what happens to these "parents", ya know? How do you just decide that today your job as a parent is over?

Even the ones that had parent problems in the past say that they just needed a roof over their heads for a little longer so they could finish school. (these are students in 2 year programs, so not that long, but taking so many hours that it is near impossible to work more than a very minimum number of hours per week).

Here is this kid, usually first or second semester in school, possibly working a few hours a week at McD's or somewhere similar, taking 18-22 hours of school, starting clinicals soon (which cuts out any possiblity of working) and mom decides they can fend for themselves. And then because she wants to be a real witch about it, she won't give them her information so that they can at least get financial aid to help them finish their program. Its really very, very hard on these kids (and they are very much still kids). Many do have to drop out of school and just work full time wherever. Its sad because if mom had just waited a couple of more semsters this same kid could really be supporting themselves and making a life instead of just existing.


Wanted to add: These circumstances are very different from Chris2597's son. He obviously needs a wake up call to reality and there are a LOT of kids that do. to you Chris and I hope your son grows up and gets it together soon.

 

[SaraJayne]

Wow, see, I don't agree. I think human beings are not equipped to live on their own magically at 18. 18-22/23 is an incredibly stupid age where kids can still benefit immensely from parental help. After that age, I agree that young adults should be able to mostly support themselves. My best friend's daughters are 24 and 27, out of the house for several years, gainfully employed-they each have two jobs- and yet, they still need her help to exist. She pays for their cell phones, she takes care of their pets and the youngest is still getting her tuition paid as she is in grad school with two jobs. These girls are not afraid of work; they are very hard workers but today they need their parents support.

I remember days of getting by on very little to eat, living in slum housing and barely making it. It was dangerous and I would never allow my child to live in those circumstances. My good friend and neighbor was raped in her bed; my parents did nothing to bail me out of there. I'm saying there's a time when you must keep your child safe no matter how old they are. Random age deadlines are just that-random. Had my parents chosen to give me a little money, I could have securred safer housing and would have. I would not have moved home. They never even offered to give me a little gas money. One year I barely made it home for christmas because I could not afford to put gas in my car. My roomate and I donated plasma for gas money that year. For Christmas, I got a beautiful pair of leather boots. I needed something more practical but the boots were gorgeous.

I guess I'm a hard ***. At 24 and 27 years old, there is absolutely NO reason why those girls should be receiving help from their mother. Don't have the money to pay for a cell phone? Well, too bad for you. Cell phones are a luxury, not a need. No one ever died from not having a cell phone.

The problem with kids being raised now is the whole helicopter parenting craze.

THAT is why some people don't believe 24 year olds aren't adults!! In what world is a 24 year old person NOT an adult?? The US, where it's been drilled into their heads they are incapable of doing anything independently.

They've been so sheltered/protected their whole life that once they get out in the real world and out from under Mama's blades, they are lost and can't cope, so they retreat to a place that is familiar.

 

[Magpie]

I walked out of my mother's house when I was 19. I spent a couple weeks sleeping on a friend's bedroom floor until I found an apartment I could share with another girl.

I didn't live in the nicest part of town (you could hear the hookers and johns yelling at each other at night, occasionally someone got murdered), but it was walking distance to the university. I also worked retail and I joined the Army Reserve. Sometimes I ran out of money at the end of the month, but I had friends I could "drop by" around dinner time and there was always a something to share.

By the time I was 24, I'd been married for a year and I had a baby.

I have to say, I have very fond memories of those days. I learned to stand on my own two feet. If I'd still been living at home, or even taking money from my mother, I would have stayed a child and had to follow her rules. I'm grateful for the opportunity to grow up and be my own woman before getting married. I think it would have been very bad for me to be my mother's child until I was my husband's wife, and never be on my own at all.

My husband wants our children to stay home while they go to school. I want them to leave home, and learn to stand on their own two feet. There's nothing wrong with being poor, and making do, when you're young. I think it's a good experience.

I also have a very good idea whose couch they're likely to end up on, if they walk out of the house after an argument, when they're 19. OP - some of those parents may know exactly where their young adults are likely to end up (ie, your house!) when they kick them out.

 

[Pugsley]

When I was 18 years old, I shared a house with 6 other people (we all chipped in for rent and utilities), maybe combined we all made 60K???? Nope, we weren't responsible, we didn't have to be, we were late teens/early 20's. sometimes the phone worked, sometimes not. Sometimes the car worked, sometimes we hitched a ride. Sometimes we could afford to order pizza, sometimes we ate Raman noodles (but we always managed to have beer). I didn't know anyone who made good money (mostly min. wage jobs or tipped waitress jobs) but even though we lived pay check to paycheck we could usually scare up concert tickets, or a fun weekend road trip. Yeah, times were tough, but we had a blast and if I had to do it all over again, I'd do it the exact same way.

Exactly. This is what I don't understand. It seems like a lot of kids today think that if they can't move out and have the same lifestyle that they did at their parents home, they may as well stay there. It's as if they think they should immediately be able to get their own place and have everything else they want. WTH? It would never have occurred to me that I could have gotten a a great job and a place of my own at 18 or 21. You have to work your way up. We all started out with roommates - the less money you made the more roommates you needed. It also wouldn't have occurred to me that I had the option to stay with my parents as long as I felt like it. I think that one problem is that a lot of parents today actually want their little darlings at home as long as possible and can't imagine their kids having to struggle at all. They really aren't doing those kids any favors with that attitude.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Exactly. This is what I don't understand. It seems like a lot of kids today think that if they can't move out and have the same lifestyle that they did at their parents home, they may as well stay there. It's as if they think they should immediately be able to get their own place and have everything else they want. WTH? It would never have occurred to me that I could have gotten a a great job and a place of my own at 18 or 21. You have to work your way up. We all started out with roommates - the less money you made the more roommates you needed. It also wouldn't have occurred to me that I had the option to stay with my parents as long as I felt like it. I think that one problem is that a lot of parents today actually want their little darlings at home as long as possible and can't imagine their kids having to struggle at all. They really aren't doing those kids any favors with that attitude.

Agree. But also I think the kids are used to more comfort than we were.

When I left home with my now DH then BF, our "homes" were not something that was much different than the crap apartment we moved into. At least for us.

I moved out with my stuff and a couch my parents let me have. Which let me tell you it should have gone to the trash it was so nasty.

We rented a "furnished" (bed and dresser) apartment that was 240/month all utilities included from a slumlord. It was in one of those "old homes" that have converted it to about 5 apartments with 20+ people living in them.

I had no car, no tv, no phone, just my boxes and a couch.

Today as parents we would freak out if we let our kids move out like that.

 

[luvmy3]

I think that's something that gets lost in the "I had lean years, I survived" stories - the world has changed a lot in the last couple generations. Wages, especially for the unskilled, haven't even come close to keeping up with the rising cost of living. To say nothing of the skyrocketing costs of college, or the increasing dependence on credit scoring not only in securing housing but also in pricing certain essential products like car and health insurance.

You can certainly pay rent working full time at McD's, it may take housemates and sacrifices but it most certainly IS possible. The problem is that these young adults expect to be able to live a certain lifestyle, with nicer cars, the latest and greatest cellphones with and the bills that go with them, designer clothes, etc. It all goes back to that entitlement mentality, they think they are entitled to it all but don't realize what having it "all" really takes. As far as I'm concerned the age of 20 is the perfect age to figure it out. I don't want my kids to be living here when they are that age, I want them living in some 2 bedroom apt sharing it with 3 friends, driving a POS car, eating ramen and peanutbutter because that will make them appreciate what it takes to get beyond that. I will always be there for them, they will always be welcome home (aside from doing drugs and other criminal activity) but I'm raising them so that they will want to try to live on their own, even if that means at first they have to struggle a little for it. I have seen what not having to worry or struggle for anything does to a young adult, and there is no way my kids are going to be like that if I have anything to do about it.

ETA I'm not talking about someone who is a full time college student, but if my kids want to live off campus then they will be expected to pay for the difference.

 

[disykat]

I was sent to school at 17, with financial backing from my parents, but also with the knowledge I would not be welcomed back unconditionally. I hardly see how that is being kicked out.

My brother, a straight A scholar in high school, chose to flunk out of college and lost parental financial support. My parents wished him well, but did not say "come on home." They asked him how he planned to support himself. He got a job, roommates, a cheap place, and supported himself fine. My parents paid for his health insurance for quite a while, but that was it.

All of my siblings and I had some pretty lean years as young adults. For example, no vacations, no buying of furniture, no bathrooms all to ourselves - just scraping together enough for rent and food. Can you imagine? Those were some of the best years of my life!

I was having a conversation with a bunch of people recently and we were discussing our financial situation and how we lived when we were first on our own - no furniture, sharing places, etc. My first place was 4 girls in a 2 bdr/1 bath duplex (no ammenities!) with only hand me down furniture. Not one of us spent a nickel "fixing it up," we used what we could scavenge. One lady was horrified and was quick to state that her children never lived like that, they bought houses and furniture and lived like real people. We were all just astounded, knowing that the one dd of hers we know was an engineer incapable of supporting herself on her salary. Smart gal, but up to her eyeballs in debt and seemingly incapable of managing her financial life.


I think many people now have the expectation that they will always live without financial deprivation. I just assumed the early years would be lean. I assume they will be for my kids as well. I have every confidence they'll come through it.

I have family friends who have recently been going through this with their dd's. Both came "home" after school and were really getting "stuck." You cold just tell. No great jobs materialized. Dad and Mom sent them packing and they now live in a nearby city, working temp jobs etc. that are turning into real opportunities. They come back talking about roommates, etc. and seem happy and excited about their lives. I'm so happy they got launched!

 

[luvmy3]

I was sent to school at 17, with financial backing from my parents, but also with the knowledge I would not be welcomed back unconditionally. I hardly see how that is being kicked out.

My brother, a straight A scholar in high school, chose to flunk out of college and lost parental financial support. My parents wished him well, but did not say "come on home." They asked him how he planned to support himself. He got a job, roommates, a cheap place, and supported himself fine. My parents paid for his health insurance for quite a while, but that was it.

All of my siblings and I had some pretty lean years as young adults. For example, no vacations, no buying of furniture, no bathrooms all to ourselves - just scraping together enough for rent and food. Can you imagine? Those were some of the best years of my life!

I was having a conversation with a bunch of people recently and we were discussing our financial situation and how we lived when we were first on our own - no furniture, sharing places, etc. One lady was horrified and was quick to state that her children never lived like that, they bought houses and furniture and lived like real people. We were all just astounded, knowing that the one dd of hers we know was an engineer incapable of supporting herself on her salary. Smart gal, but up to her eyeballs in debt and seemingly incapable of managing her financial life.


I think many people now have the expectation that they will always live without financial deprivation. I just assumed the early years would be lean. I assume they will be for my kids as well. I have every confidence they'll come through it.

I have family friends who have recently been going through this with their dd's. Both came "home" after school and were really getting "stuck." You cold just tell. No great jobs materialized. Dad and Mom sent them packing and they now live in a nearby city, working temp jobs etc. that are turning into real opportunities. They come back talking about roommates, etc. and seem happy and excited about their lives. I'm so happy they got launched!

OMG, I was just coming back to edit my post to say that! I can look back at the time when I was just out on my own and truly say the same.

 

[shortbun]

You can certainly pay rent working full time at McD's, it may take housemates and sacrifices but it most certainly IS possible. The problem is that these young adults expect to be able to live a certain lifestyle, with nicer cars, the latest and greatest cellphones with and the bills that go with them, designer clothes, etc. It all goes back to that entitlement mentality, they think they are entitled to it all but don't realize what having it "all" really takes. As far as I'm concerned the age of 20 is the perfect age to figure it out. I don't want my kids to be living here when they are that age, I want them living in some 2 bedroom apt sharing it with 3 friends, driving a POS car, eating ramen and peanutbutter because that will make them appreciate what it takes to get beyond that. I will always be there for them, they will always be welcome home (aside from doing drugs and other criminal activity) but I'm raising them so that they will want to try to live on their own, even if that means at first they have to struggle a little for it. I have seen what not having to worry or struggle for anything does to a young adult, and there is no way my kids are going to be like that if I have anything to do about it.

ETA I'm not talking about someone who is a full time college student, but if my kids want to live off campus then they will be expected to pay for the difference.

My nephew is living off campus because it is less money-not more. Where did you get the idea that off campus housing is more expensive? My nephew pays $85 a month for his share of the rent in a four bedroom house within walking distance of his classes. He has five roomates - two rooms are shared but that's a choice of those couples so everyone pays the same rent because they share the common areas/bathrooms,parking, etc. It's a dump but we/grownups all pitched in and painted, repaired and donated things to make it a better place. We had an old washer and dryer-mismatched-that we donated so they didn't have to go to the laundramat. They had a summer garden by doing raised bed gardening and composting last year. Their landlord loves them!!!

 

[luvmy3]

My nephew is living off campus because it is less money-not more. Where did you get the idea that off campus housing is more expensive? My nephew pays $85 a month for his share of the rent in a four bedroom house within walking distance of his classes. He has five roomates - two rooms are shared but that's a choice of those couples so everyone pays the same rent because they share the common areas/bathrooms,parking, etc.

It depends on what the cost of living is in the area, renting a anything with 2 or more bedrooms here is as much as my mortgage, something that fulltime students working part time jobs couldn't afford. Unless they rented in the ghetto, then of course it would be cheaper.
The college my dd wants to attend is $5040 board per year(including 2 meals a day, and utilities), that is much cheaper than any decent apt she could rent around here (where the college is). I realize that isn't the case everywhere, but in my area young adults and students can't afford to rent places. I'm sure there are exceptions, but its definitely not the norm to be able to find a place big enough for 4 people and cheap enough where you could even pay less than $200 each a month (including utilities). Many places here to rent are up near the $1500-$2000 a month range for a house.
If there was a 4 bdrm place here where 5 people split the rent and it was only $85 a month, it would be condemed.

 

[scottishduffy]

The ONLY way to ever learn to live on your own is to do it. There are going to be lean years, and some kids make some mistakes (over-using credit cards, having to live off Ramen), but these mistakes aren't fatal! They are learning experiences. No one is 100% prepared to be a perfect adult when they move out.... but they make their way and thrive. Ya live in an apartment with roomies that is a little under your standards, you eat bargain brands, your drive a car that was made while you were in the single digit age range. You are poor but you have a blast!

Mom and Dad can help prepare you with life skills, but you will not ultimately learn how to live without them until you DO IT. The hard part is mom and dad having the courage to let their kiddos flounder a little bit while finding their way.

 

[scottishduffy]

It depends on what the cost of living is in the area, renting a anything with 2 or more bedrooms here is as much as my mortgage, something that fulltime students working part time jobs couldn't afford. Unless they rented in the ghetto, then of course it would be cheaper.
The college my dd wants to attend is $5040 board per year(including 2 meals a day, and utilities), that is much cheaper than any decent apt she could rent around here (where the college is). I realize that isn't the case everywhere, but in my area young adults and students can't afford to rent places. I'm sure there are exceptions, but its definitely not the norm to be able to find a place big enough for 4 people and cheap enough where you could even pay less than $200 each a month (including utilities). Many places here to rent are up near the $1500-$2000 a month range for a house.
If there was a 4 bdrm place here where 5 people split the rent and it was only $85 a month, it would be condemed.

But other kids could survive. You get 4 people in that 2 bedroom (My BIL did this for year or two) and the rent is now only $400 per person. Much better. You live a little further away and commute in. Take a bus if you must. There are ways to survive.

They could do it on waitressing jobs. Rent in florida is very expensive and yet kids still seem to make it.

 

[luvmy3]

But other kids could survive. You get 4 people in that 2 bedroom (My BIL did this for year or two) and the rent is now only $400 per person. Much better. You live a little further away and commute in. Take a bus if you must. There are ways to survive.

They could do it on waitressing jobs. Rent in florida is very expensive and yet kids still seem to make it.

I think you are taking this post out of context. I am fully aware they can survive and expect them to
You quoted a response to a poster who stated that living off campus is cheaper than living on it, because I said if my kids choose to live off campus they would be expected to pay their own rent for their house/apt.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Exactly. This is what I don't understand. It seems like a lot of kids today think that if they can't move out and have the same lifestyle that they did at their parents home, they may as well stay there. It's as if they think they should immediately be able to get their own place and have everything else they want. WTH? It would never have occurred to me that I could have gotten a a great job and a place of my own at 18 or 21. You have to work your way up. We all started out with roommates - the less money you made the more roommates you needed. It also wouldn't have occurred to me that I had the option to stay with my parents as long as I felt like it. I think that one problem is that a lot of parents today actually want their little darlings at home as long as possible and can't imagine their kids having to struggle at all. They really aren't doing those kids any favors with that attitude.

I was the same way. My parents never kicked me out--but it did not ever even cross my mind to move home after college (or to do anything other than work my tail off when there--I actually did a 5 year program in 4 years because I did not want my parents to pay any more than they had to--and I maintained my GPA high enough to keep an academic scholarship even though my parents had always told me they would pay for my schooling, simply because it never occurred to me to want them to cover any more of my "adult" years than the bare minimum).

I hope my kids are working under the same assumption--that they WANT to be out on their own and self sufficient as they grow up. I think they will.

 

[Colleen27]

Exactly. This is what I don't understand. It seems like a lot of kids today think that if they can't move out and have the same lifestyle that they did at their parents home, they may as well stay there. It's as if they think they should immediately be able to get their own place and have everything else they want. WTH? It would never have occurred to me that I could have gotten a a great job and a place of my own at 18 or 21. You have to work your way up. We all started out with roommates - the less money you made the more roommates you needed. It also wouldn't have occurred to me that I had the option to stay with my parents as long as I felt like it. I think that one problem is that a lot of parents today actually want their little darlings at home as long as possible and can't imagine their kids having to struggle at all. They really aren't doing those kids any favors with that attitude.

I think there's a lot of room between expecting the same lifestyle you lived at your parents home and not wanting to dodge bullets or listen to hookers & their johns all night long. I've had my share of struggles and I assume my kids will too, but I've never lived with rats or in a place where I had to be afraid to come home late (rather important since my college job was working at a sports/concert venue) and I can't imagine kicking my kids out to those sort of conditions as some sort of character building exercise.