what makes parents kick their kids out?

[RitaE]

When I was 19 I was married and by 22 I was married with a child.
Yeah we drank beer and made bad decisions. Heck, I drink beer and make bad decisions at 43 - that's not age dependent. We also worked out tails off and graduated from college and eventually Grad School because we pretty much wanted to have a better life.

Kids today are NOT all that different from kids of other generations. They are bright and capable and more than capable of self-sufficiency. This whole concept that a 23 year old man is going to starve to death and be a burden on society if his parents don't shelter him is really just a continuation of our societal insistence on continuously baby-ing down our population.

I currently have no plans to cut-off my 21year old child but if I did I expect he'd find a job or two and a roommate or 3 and he'd be just fine.

 

[Acklander]

That was me Ack, it's just I always hear on the dis about how "mature" these kids are supposed to be at 18-20 even 21.
I was a college student at University of Pittsburgh. I loved it, but the reality is if my parents had kicked me out, I would have sunk and sunk fast. Heck even after I graduated, I needed financial support for a time.
So they "sink or swim" method would have probably ended very tragically for me and I went to college in the 70's when life was decidely easier.
Like I said, I'm trying to imagine an 21 year old in NYC all of a sudden making an income to afford 900 a month to live. working at the movie theater sure is not going to do it. so the vast majority end up on the streets. 10% unemployment and "they should be able to get and job and live" would probably make a good soap opera story line but here on the great east coast, not so much.

Oh yeah, things were definitely easier back in the 70's. The only time I hear about kids (teens/20 somthings) being kicked out, it's the kids that didn't go to college, not the college kids. But, even back in the 70's I never heard of anyone being able to go out and afford an apartment in NYC, instead everyone used to share with several other people, And from the way my 20 something lives, that hasn't changed

 

[carrie1626]

I'm a mom and I have two very good friends with their own very different stories but same result:
A son who decided that dropping out of school, break/entering, going into the criminal system as a juvenile( and unfortunately NOW as adults) smoking pot/drinking (underage) and blaming the whole world for their lives miseries was the way they were going to live their lives. Both of these kids started going down the wrong path around 14/15. I saw it all happen and I have no doubt when they were staying at "friends" houses, they were handing over a line of crap about the real situation.

You really have to be careful of who those "friends" are
Both of these boys had dads that were non-existant and my friends did such a great job with all of their kids.
All I'm saying is: it is NOT always the custodial's parents fault.

 

[eliza61]

Wow, who knew, all those thousands of college graduates unable to find employment to pay back student loans let alone live decently are actually just being babies, wanting to live off of mom and dad. definitely kick 'em out.

 

[scottishduffy]

Another got the 'sink or swim' treatment because his parents were just ready to be done having kids at home; he was the youngest of four with a big age gap and they downsized to an adults-only community practically before the ink was dry on his high school diploma. .... it does go both ways - there are a lot of parents out there who feel their job ends with high school graduation (I think we forget that on the DIS and in middle class America in general, where college is seen as just as necessary as high schol) and others who just can't deal with the "adult" part of their children becoming "young adults".

While this may seem very bad, there is really nothing wrong with it. The same exact scenario happened to my friend K. Now, her parents had discussed with her for years what would happen as her sibling all received similar treatment, but to others it may have looked bad. At the age of 18, K was out of her home and sent to college. She was given a bank account with enough money to get her through 4 years of college if she budgetted well. She was told there was only that bank account and she could not move home again. The sibling closest in age to her was 12 years older and she was the youngest of 4.

Her parents didn't even drop her off at college! College was 2 states away, she had no car, they set her on a plane and said 'figure it out'!.
She survived! She went to college, became an RA to get free room and board for a couple years before her and I became roomies. She had enough $$ to have a little fun but she had to budget her money.

After her undergrad she managed to maintain a job and get her Masters Degree without any support at all. She isn't scarred for life and still has a great relationship with her parents. Some may think it mean but at the age of 18 a child needs to learn to be an adult.

My parents financially supported me through college but made it very clear that I would *never* move back home. Heck, while I was a camp counselor during the summer after HS graduation I received a letter 4 weeks into camp informing me of my parents new home address! I had no clue they were moving! The new home is in a retirement community with no room for any of the kiddos to come home.

I was lucky that my parents continued financial support while I was in college. I did have a job for extra spending money. I had many friends who had to pay their own way and all of them were OK. It is what ya do! Everyone goes through a couple of poor years, or rough years, but it helps you realize what it is like to be an adult.

Some kids just seem to have the idea that the should never have a tight time. That they should just pick up financially where their parents left off. It is a harsh slap in the face for them to realize otherwise.

 

[RitaE]

Wow, who knew, all those thousands of college graduates unable to find employment to pay back student loans let alone live decently are actually just being babies, wanting to live off of mom and dad. definitely kick 'em out.

I'm not sure why you find it so incredulous. My son is 20 years old and he has plenty of friends from High School who didn't go to college and who aren't living with their parents.

I actually had one of them at the house here today. She went to Beautician School, works at Hair Cuttery during the week, waitresses on the weekends and shares an apartment.

 

[eliza61]

I'm not sure why you find it so incredulous. My son is 20 years old and he has plenty of friends from High School who didn't go to college and who aren't living with their parents.

I actually had one of them at the house here today. She went to Beautician School, works at Hair Cuttery during the week, waitresses on the weekends and shares an apartment.

I guess maybe because I'm a landlord and sorry I definitely have income requirements and credit requirements. No way am I renting to a 21 year old making $10 bucks an hour, not without some one else co-signing. I also have non family resident rules. So 2 roommates tops. Now I own 2 family houses not apartment building so maybe the rules are a bit different with apartment buildings. but even when I graduated and found an apartment I had to show paystubs and my waitress job would have gotten me an rat infested walk up flat, if that. and like I said this was in the 70's way before credit checks became de rigueur

My 20 year old is a college sophmore, he has all college friends and those who graduate are barely making minumum wage. not one is even remotely thinking about moving out because in this area (Philly/NY) unless they want to live in the projects and dodge gunfire, an apartment in a remotely nice area is going to command 900 bucks a month and up. He works part time at AMC, his best friend works part time at Abercrombie & Finch.

And in actuality so many of his h.s. classmates that couldn't afford college, went into the armed services because they figured out that around here, right out of h.s. is a prescription for getting a low wage dead end job.

So I'm simply calculating if on their pt salary if him and brian suddenly had to find at least 400 bucks each to live, most likely the first thing would happen is that would drop out of school to work more hours, to keep apartment, cell phone and lights. Sorry in this day and age that's a recipe for disaster or at least a very "hard" life. Totally admit that yes some industrious person will make it but I think more often than not, they end up "scrapping by".

So maybe I should get your definition of "living"? might be that mines is totally different.

Funny that you should mention beauty school, my next door neighbors kid just graduated, she still living at home so I'm not sure if she found a job at a salon yet. I know she has to take her state board exam soon so she might not be able to practice yet. I'll have to ask her what her expectations are. as of now she's still at home.

 

[Acklander]

My 20 year old is a college sophmore, he has all college friends and those who graduate are barely making minumum wage. not one is even remotely thinking about moving out because in this area (Philly/NY) unless they want to live in the projects and dodge gunfire, an apartment in a remotely nice area is going to command 900 bucks a month and up.
Funny that you should mention beauty school, my next door neighbors kid just graduated, she still living at home so I'm not sure if she found a job at a salon yet. I know she has to take her state board exam soon so she might not be able to practice yet. I'll have to ask her what her expectations are. as of now she's still at home.

Maybe that's the difference - we didn't have any expectations, and we didn't need a remotely nice area to live in. We didn't have to worry about theft, because we had nothing worth stealing (except the beer). There was a group of us so didn't have to worry about being home alone, and besides - we were young and were going to live forever. When we were really broke we'd sit out on the stoop on Saturday nights and listen to the church groups who would come down and sing gospel music to the hookers for our entertainment.
I'm sure my parents were horrified the first time they came to visit but I was so proud that I was out on my own and surviving and to their credit, my parents never said a word about how I was living in a flea infested rat trap. Those times when I struggled help make me the person I am today, and I'm grateful for the experiences I had during those times.

 

[tvguy]

I guess maybe because I'm a landlord and sorry I definitely have income requirements and credit requirements. No way am I renting to a 21 year old making $10 bucks an hour, not without some one else co-signing. I also have non family resident rules. So 2 roommates tops. Now I own 2 family houses not apartment building so maybe the rules are a bit different with apartment buildings. but even when I graduated and found an apartment I had to show paystubs and my waitress job would have gotten me an rat infested walk up flat, if that. and like I said this was in the 70's way before credit checks became de rigueur
.

It can be different with apartments, and in different locations. We have a friend who is a property manager for a guy who owns 400 apartments. By group, the under 25, still in school, making minimum wage tenants are the least problem. The over 40, making $20+ an hour group who should know better , they need to pay their rent no blow the money on other stuff people, are their biggest problem group.

 

[tvguy]

18-24 year olds are adults not children.

But they still are your children. Certainly you need the whole story.
Nothing makes me madder than some of my fellow parents who think that when a child turns 18 they are suddenly ready to be 100% financially and emotionally responsible for themselves and they boot them out, and have the mind set that they've raised their kids, time to move on to what they want to do.
And of course, the flip side is, there could come a time when all us parents will be older and grayer and need the financial and emotional support of our kids. Not sure the kids who got the boot at 18 to 24 aren't just going to tell elderly parents to deal with it themselves.

 

[Allison]

They aren't kids-they are adults who need to be responsible for taking care of themselves. Parents wanting a 24 year old to not live at home are hardly making them a burden on society.

 

[funnygarcia]

Another reason as to the "why" is perhaps the teen/young adult was no longer welcome at home due to their sexual orientation (estimated 20-40% of homeless youths).

This year, between 574,000 and 1.6 million youth will experience homelessness, according to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. Of these homeless youth, 20 to 40 percent identify as gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgendered, according to a 2007 study titled, "Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Youth: An Epidemic of Homelessness" by the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force (NGLTF).

Given the estimates that 2-3 percent of the American public identifies as LGBT, it's troubling that this population is so disproportionately represented on streets - and at such a young age. After coming out to their families, many are running away, being kicked out of their homes, or - even worse - being assaulted by a member of their family, according to the NGLTF report.

http://uspoverty.change.org/blog/view/who_is_advocating_for_homeless_lgbt_youth

http://minnesota.publicradio.org/display/web/2010/01/28/gay-homeless/

 

[punkin]

While this may seem very bad, there is really nothing wrong with it.

Actually the story you told really does sound terrible. Parents who wash their hands of their children at 18 really should never have had children in the first place.

 

[Acklander]

Actually the story you told really does sound terrible. Parents who wash their hands of their children at 18 really should never have had children in the first place.

I don't think of it as washing their hands of their children, but more of a stepping away from them and letting them try life on their own.

Also, it depends on how the kids were raised. I know with mine, I started giving him more responsibilities and more freedom through out his teen years so by the time he reached senior year in high school I had pretty much stepped back from the day to day stuff and was letting my DS make his own decisions - by the time he was 19, he was comfortable with the thought of being on his own.
I know some of his friends had a lot less freedoms/responsibilities during high school so for them, and many of them took a few more years to move forward.

 

[scottishduffy]

Actually the story you told really does sound terrible. Parents who wash their hands of their children at 18 really should never have had children in the first place.

See, I just don't get this.

K is my best buddy and we have discussed this several times. K views herself as luckier than most. Yes, she was out of the house and had to make her own way but her parents did not abandon her emotionally.

She had a large bank account with enough to get through 4 years of college, so long as she was responsible. This is WAY more than many kids receive. She lived in dorms, had a job, and then we bunked together in our own apartment. She was never going to move home again and that money in the account was the only financial support she would get. However, her parents still loved her. They came and visited her. She is still very close with them.

Sure, she was out of the house and given a flat sum of financial support but parental love isn't about just money. It is about preparing the child (now and adult) for the rest of their life. They were still her mom and dad and available for any advice she needed. They gave her the freedom to make her own way in the world. She made her way and thrived.


The ones I feel sorry for are the kids I read about on here who are college age and whose parents still check their grades and are over involved in their lives. These kids never have an opportunity to be truly self sufficient and become adults.

 

[Tinijocaro]

i am aware that there is probably more to the story.... but what?


i just don't understand. what do parents think that their homeless child is going to do?

It's called tough love and for some parents it's the only way to get their kids to straighten up. I think they are right. I would venture to guess that the kids coming to your house are not giving you the full story, by a long shot.

 

[Agri]

i have had so many stray 18-24 year olds brought home by my daughter (thats another story) i am wondering what is going on?

i ask these kids why their parents won't let them live at home ..." i caught my mom cheating on my dad" " i had my friend over and my mother doesn't like him" ...all seemingly mild problems. i am aware that there is probably more to the story.... but what?

these kids are going to wind up being a burden on society i would imagine.

i feed them, offer them a shower, ask them what their plans are for the future, tell them to apologize to their parents, whatever.

i just don't understand. what do parents think that their homeless child is going to do?

Truthfully? I doubt that most of these kids are truly homeless. Your daughter probably does a lot for them, as do you, and that makes you a target for people who are users. You're both sympathetic to a sob story so they tell you both what you want to hear to elicit the response they want.

Do they do anything for you in return for your services?

Most people who are thrown out of or leave home for painful reasons are not going to just spill their guts at a drop of a hat to a stranger. They are also unlikely to be actively looking for a handout and more likely to be trying to make their own way and to not be a burden on someone else. Its not exactly the easiest thing to admit to if you've been abused or otherwise mistreated by your own parents.

 

[worm761]

I guess maybe because I'm a landlord and sorry I definitely have income requirements and credit requirements. No way am I renting to a 21 year old making $10 bucks an hour, not without some one else co-signing. I also have non family resident rules. So 2 roommates tops. Now I own 2 family houses not apartment building so maybe the rules are a bit different with apartment buildings. but even when I graduated and found an apartment I had to show paystubs and my waitress job would have gotten me an rat infested walk up flat, if that. and like I said this was in the 70's way before credit checks became de rigueur

My 20 year old is a college sophmore, he has all college friends and those who graduate are barely making minumum wage. not one is even remotely thinking about moving out because in this area (Philly/NY) unless they want to live in the projects and dodge gunfire, an apartment in a remotely nice area is going to command 900 bucks a month and up. He works part time at AMC, his best friend works part time at Abercrombie & Finch.

And in actuality so many of his h.s. classmates that couldn't afford college, went into the armed services because they figured out that around here, right out of h.s. is a prescription for getting a low wage dead end job.

So I'm simply calculating if on their pt salary if him and brian suddenly had to find at least 400 bucks each to live, most likely the first thing would happen is that would drop out of school to work more hours, to keep apartment, cell phone and lights. Sorry in this day and age that's a recipe for disaster or at least a very "hard" life. Totally admit that yes some industrious person will make it but I think more often than not, they end up "scrapping by".

So maybe I should get your definition of "living"? might be that mines is totally different.

Funny that you should mention beauty school, my next door neighbors kid just graduated, she still living at home so I'm not sure if she found a job at a salon yet. I know she has to take her state board exam soon so she might not be able to practice yet. I'll have to ask her what her expectations are. as of now she's still at home.

I think where you live is skewing your perception. Most places don't charge that much for rent in the rest of the country. When I was 18, I had two roommates and a $500 a month rent plus bills. I managed to work full time. There were some rough times in life. I got pregnant at 19. Failure of birth control, I was trying to prevent it, just didn't work in my favor. I moved out on my own. I worked more hours since now I had daycare and another mouth to feed. I can remember only having $35 for two weeks worth of groceries. I did not call my parents for monetary help but once. And in all honesty, my bill money was stolen. I needed the help so I called. As an adult, you learn really fast that roommates make it so you can eat. You learn to do what you have to. It is called being a grown up.

 

[funnygarcia]

My BIL is what I would call a "professional student".
He has changed his career choice many times over, has been in college for the past 7 years you would think by now he would have a degree in something?!


He is not some young adult making poor choices, he's 30 years old and lives with "mommy"!
Enabled much? uhh yes!

 

[bluesaturn]

I think everyone is talking about two different situations. One is a situation in which a parent made the decision to cut their child off at 18, no matter what.
The OP is talking about kids who were presumably living at home with financial support and then got kicked out. I'm sure at least half of these kids did something to get kicked out. Especially for them to call it getting kicked out.

I'm all for parents supporting and helping their kids through college or their beginning working years if they don't go to college. I don't like the "you're 18, my job is done" idea at all. I hope I will be able to pay for my future kids' college educations. But if the kids are not appreciative and not taking advantage of the opportunities they are given, sometimes the parents have to do something drastic. In most cases a parent is not going to kick out a child who is working hard and doing their best. I do feel bad for kids who are kicked out because their parent is intolerant of their sexual orientation or some similar situation.

18 to 24 is also a pretty wide range in terms of maturity and being able to take care of yourself. Besides being sick or impaired, I would think a 24 year old would be able to take care of themselves independently if they really had to. Often living with your parents is a smart financial choice as it allows you to pay down loans, save up for a down payment, etc. I see nothing wrong with it. But if they got "kicked out" I would think most 24 year olds could handle. I'm sure someone will tell me why I'm wrong