Weddings: In Lieu of Favors; a donation. What do you think?

[tlbwriter]

No, I absolutely get what you're saying. I just think you're (the general you) wrong and being completely unfair.

If you do get it, you are (unintentionally or deliberately) misrepresenting what I (and others) said. NO ONE said giving to charity was tacky. So please don't accuse us of having that stance.

 

[Carly_Roach]

(only popped in to clarify my stance, I just can't help myself.)

I know. It's like a train wreck now. I can't look but it's impossible to look away.

If you do get it, you are (unintentionally or deliberately) misrepresenting what I (and others) said. NO ONE said giving to charity was tacky. So please don't accuse us of having that stance.

Thank you. That's exactly how I feel, too. I almost feel as though I'm being baited into saying something so someone can run to a Mod and I'll get points.

 

[WeLoveLilo05]

wow how ugly this thread has gotten.

it makes me sad when people say BnG need to cut budgets everywhere and sacrifice more. Why? Because I waited a very long time to get married b/c we seriously could not afford it. I wanted to finish school before getting married, we couldn't afford both. And we have cut a lot out of our budget b/c we can't afford to it and don't want to be in debt.

And someone commented about bride making it an all about me day and its me me me me me and the relationship won't work b/c bride is so self centered. Sorry, me and fiance have been together for 8 years. We have a child together, I have known him since I am 14. We have had our ups and downs and we have made it through TOGETHER. We have raised DD TOGETHER. We are planning this wedding TOGETHER. We have a home TOGETHER. We talked about making the donation TOGETHER, it wasn't all about what *I* wanted.

 

[JaneBanks]

I read that and had no issues with what you did. In fact, I stated many times that something like that was fine and dandy.

And in fact, the folks who have a problem with the what the OP suggested, were not condemning what you did in reality. You are taking their opinions as a personal opinion of what you did without thoroughly hearing them out.
It is your defense of "in lieu of" and that favors aren't necessary that they are at odds with. You still gave a favor. Why?

(only popped in to clarify my stance, I just can't help myself.)

I know what people are saying with the whole "in lieu of". I know what I did is considered different to that.

I just don't understand, no matter what the reason was for and the wording that is being used, why it's tacky to donate. I know how you all feel and read all of your reasonings behind why you feel that way but I just can't get past the fact that someone donating equals tackyness. To me, it's a generous gesture.

To answer why I gave a favor as well : I just felt that I should give my guests a little something to take home. Plus, I thought they were cute! Whether or not my guests went home and threw them out doesn't offend me. I know how that goes!

 

[JaneBanks]

Then why are you taking any of this personally?

Because only 3 words are standing in my way of being considered tacky and tooting my own horn.

 

[wvjules]

I know what people are saying with the whole "in lieu of". I know what I did is considered different to that.

I just don't understand, no matter what the reason was for and the wording that is being used, why it's tacky to donate. I know how you all feel and read all of your reasonings behind why you feel that way but I just can't get past the fact that someone donating equals tackyness. To me, it's a generous gesture.

To answer why I gave a favor as well : I just felt that I should give my guests a little something to take home. Plus, I thought they were cute! Whether or not my guests went home and threw them out doesn't offend me. I know how that goes!

You are right. You don't understand. NO ONE said it is tacky to donate. Where are you even reading that?

 

[allison443]

I know what people are saying with the whole "in lieu of". I know what I did is considered different to that.

I just don't understand, no matter what the reason was for and the wording that is being used, why it's tacky to donate. I know how you all feel and read all of your reasonings behind why you feel that way but I just can't get past the fact that someone donating equals tackyness. To me, it's a generous gesture. To answer why I gave a favor as well : I just felt that I should give my guests a little something to take home. Plus, I thought they were cute! Whether or not my guests went home and threw them out doesn't offend me. I know how that goes!

I think what you did was nice, but really I think you've read the thread. Nobody said it was tacky to donate. Of course not. People did say it was tacky to tell people you donated. There is an obvious difference.

This thead is exhausting like another poster said. At least it was a change from the "giving money at weddings is tacky" threads.

 

[Scurvy]

I know what people are saying with the whole "in lieu of". I know what I did is considered different to that.

I just don't understand, no matter what the reason was for and the wording that is being used, why it's tacky to donate. I know how you all feel and read all of your reasonings behind why you feel that way but I just can't get past the fact that someone donating equals tackyness. To me, it's a generous gesture.

I thought I had read this whole train wreck of a thread, but I'm feeling like I must have missed some posts somewhere. Who said it's tacky to make donations? I saw plenty of posts about it being tacky to say a donation was made "in lieu of" something else, and a few that said it might be tacky to announce the donation at all, but not one that said it was tacky to make the donation in the first place. Which post (or posts) said that?

 

[tlbwriter]

I just can't get past the fact that someone donating equals tackyness.

Who said that? Could you please direct me to the post where someone said donations are tacky?

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

wow how ugly this thread has gotten.

it makes me sad when people say BnG need to cut budgets everywhere and sacrifice more. Why? Because I waited a very long time to get married b/c we seriously could not afford it. I wanted to finish school before getting married, we couldn't afford both. And we have cut a lot out of our budget b/c we can't afford to it and don't want to be in debt.

And someone commented about bride making it an all about me day and its me me me me me and the relationship won't work b/c bride is so self centered. Sorry, me and fiance have been together for 8 years. We have a child together, I have known him since I am 14. We have had our ups and downs and we have made it through TOGETHER. We have raised DD TOGETHER. We are planning this wedding TOGETHER. We have a home TOGETHER. We talked about making the donation TOGETHER, it wasn't all about what *I* wanted.

Noone said you needed to cut the budget.

You want to do something wonderful. That is fine.

You don't owe your guests an explanation at all of why a stupid favor is missing off of their place setting.

Incorporating the memory and honor of loved ones who have suffered is extremely notable.

You asked for opinions on how to handle it and they were offered. Not one person had an issue with your intent. So don't focus on the quibbling of folks who have misinterpreted what I and others have said as though you personally are doing something wrong. You aren't. We were just trying to be helpful on how you can convey thoughtfully the intent of what you have done if you wish to do so. You are focusing on the fact that you have eliminated something from your wedding. IMHO, you should focus on the fact that you have opted to add goodwill to your wedding and remember those affected by horrible illnesses.

That is what we are all "getting ugly" about and defending.

I wish you well on your day of matrimony.

 

[WeLoveLilo05]

Noone said you needed to cut the budget.

You want to do something wonderful. That is fine.

You don't owe your guests an explanation at all of why a stupid favor is missing off of their place setting.

Incorporating the memory and honor of loved ones who have suffered is extremely notable.

You asked for opinions on how to handle it and they were offered. Not one person had an issue with your intent. So don't focus on the quibbling of folks who have misinterpreted what I and others have said as though you personally are doing something wrong. You aren't. We were just trying to be helpful on how you can convey thoughtfully the intent of what you have done if you wish to do so. You are focusing on the fact that you have eliminated something from your wedding. IMHO, you should focus on the fact that you have opted to add goodwill to your wedding and remember those affected by horrible illnesses.

That is what we are all "getting ugly" about and defending.

I wish you well on your day of matrimony.

Thank you. Its just upsetting to see some of the more personal attacks. People saying its tacky, or nice, or offering other ways to remember loved ones, thats fine you are giving your opinion. But when people go so low as to make personal attacks....so very wrong...

 

[JaneBanks]

Yes, this thread is exhausting and I'm not clearly stating what I mean to say.

I know no one feels like donating is tacky. I know this.

I know some feel like announcing the donation is tacky. This is where I disagree. I just don't feel that announcing the donation means that someone is trying to be the center of attention.

When someone says that announcing it is tacky, I take offense to it because I did let everyone know that this is what I did. I didn't do it for the praise and the " look at me, I'm such a great person" reaction.

I just don't like being told what my intentions were with making the decision to tell people. I don't like being told that my "breeding" is now in question.

 

[tlbwriter]

Well, not to get nitpicky, but you did start out saying you thought this was a "silly way to think," so perhaps that opened the gate for people to express their own opinions. Anyway, I hope you got the information you were looking for.

 

[wvjules]

Yes, this thread is exhausting and I'm not clearly stating what I mean to say.

I know no one feels like donating is tacky. I know this.

I know some feel like announcing the donation is tacky. This is where I disagree. I just don't feel that announcing the donation means that someone is trying to be the center of attention.

When someone says that announcing it is tacky, I take offense to it because I did let everyone know that this is what I did. I didn't do it for the praise and the " look at me, I'm such a great person" reaction.
I just don't like being told what my intentions were with making the decision to tell people. I don't like being told that my "breeding" is now in question.

Then why DID you tell everyone?

 

[GinnyEmma]

I know what people are saying with the whole "in lieu of". I know what I did is considered different to that.

I just don't understand, no matter what the reason was for and the wording that is being used, why it's tacky to donate. I know how you all feel and read all of your reasonings behind why you feel that way but I just can't get past the fact that someone donating equals tackyness. To me, it's a generous gesture.

To answer why I gave a favor as well : I just felt that I should give my guests a little something to take home. Plus, I thought they were cute! Whether or not my guests went home and threw them out doesn't offend me. I know how that goes!

It isn't tacky to give. What part of that can you not understand? No one has said it is.

It is beyond tacky to make it about the wedding. A gift to charity has nothing to do with a wedding.

 

[tlbwriter]

Yes, this thread is exhausting and I'm not clearly stating what I mean to say.

I know no one feels like donating is tacky. I know this.

I know some feel like announcing the donation is tacky. This is where I disagree.

Thank you. It's good to know we understand each other even if we disagree.

 

[postage stamp]

Yes, this thread is exhausting and I'm not clearly stating what I mean to say.

I know no one feels like donating is tacky. I know this.

I know some feel like announcing the donation is tacky. This is where I disagree. I just don't feel that announcing the donation means that someone is trying to be the center of attention.

When someone says that announcing it is tacky, I take offense to it because I did let everyone know that this is what I did. I didn't do it for the praise and the " look at me, I'm such a great person" reaction.

I just don't like being told what my intentions were with making the decision to tell people. I don't like being told that my "breeding" is now in question.

OK, I mean this in the nicest way possible. If that is really how you feel then internet message boards may not be for you.

I personally don't give a flying fart in space what you did at your wedding seeing as I wasn't here, but there are people who weren't there who are going to, and clearly do. And then there are people who care and are gonna tell you. It's like walking into a football stadium full of people and asking them all for their opinion. And they'll answer. And if you can't not take things personally from a faceless stranger, this isn't the place for you.

 

[WeLoveLilo05]

Then why DID you tell everyone?

In remembrance of a loved one.

 

[JaneBanks]

Then why DID you tell everyone?

Because we were remembering 4 children in my family who have passed away and I knew my family would love it. I was told so way before the wedding by a few people.

Because that's what we chose to do.

Because we wanted people to know that they are always in our hearts and thoughts and that we wished they were there.

Because we wanted people to be aware of the fact that there are places out there trying to find cures for these diseases and that a donation in the honor of our loved ones were made and that maybe they would go home and decide to do the same.

Because, because, because....

I guess you can say it's tacky but I know our hearts were in the right place.

 

[WeLoveLilo05]

Because we were remembering 4 children in my family who have passed away and I knew my family would love it. I was told so way before the wedding by a few people.

Because that's what we chose to do.

Because we wanted people to know that they are always in our hearts and thoughts and that we wished they were there.

Because we wanted people to be aware of the fact that there are places out there trying to find cures for these diseases and that a donation in the honor of our loved ones were made and that maybe they would go home and decide to do the same.

Because, because, because....

I guess you can say it's tacky but I know our hearts were in the right place.