Was I wrong to cancel my niece and nephews

[macs4us]

Here is the situation:

My niece (11) wanted to go to WDW while her mom was on a trip to Canada. My husband and I said we'd love to take her (I am 9 years younger than my sister, and we don't have kids yet). She is paying her own way (has been saving her money, doing extra chores, and still getting all A's). When FTP came up, I thought it would be fun to invite my other sister's kids (my niece 18, and nephews 17 and 13) and my mom for my mom's 60th birthday present. My mom has always dreamed of taking all her grandbabies to WDW, but can't afford it. I offered to pay for my mom, and the eldest niece and nephews, but the kids had a contract with me. The older two needed to find summer jobs, the youngest had to pass 7th grade, and they all had to agree to not fight with their mom (they obviously have a lot of family issues). Well, they all flaked - neither of the older two did anything to find a job, and the youngest one failed 7th grade, has to go to summer school and repeat his grade. They didn't last 24 hours before getting into huge arguments with their mom.

I talked to my mom, and she thought they shouldn't go - they need to learn there are consequences to their actions. I agreed, and told the kids they weren't coming and why - the youngest one told me to go to hades Now their mom is mad at me, because my 11 year old niece is still going. She thinks her kids should go and I should still pay for it. Now I see why the kids don't get it - there mom doesn't either. I am probably eating the airline tickets I bougt for them, but I still think this is an important lesson for them to learn. Am I way off base?

Thanks....

 

[Scratch42]

I know it must be a tough decision but they were given guidelines and rules in order to go!

Like the old saying goes.....

"No Ticky, No Laundry!"

It's hard but so is life!

{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}

Scratch

 

[BrerMom]

I agree with you. Parenting takes so much energy, sometimes. It would be much easier to say "sure" and be the good guy. I can't imagine having to be the aunt in this situation.

If your mom backs you up, it's not an issue at all.

P.S. If he needs to repeat 7th grade, at least he will. In our district, the only way a kid will repeat is if the parent permits it. In your case, I wonder if she'd let him continute to 8th if she could.

 

[CDisney]

I think you should stand your ground. They need to learn the consequences of their actions. They shouldn't be rewarded for throwing a tantrum because they made bad choices.

And, by the sound of things, you will enjoy your trip much better with your mother and responsible niece. You could be asking for trouble with the other three if they don't think they have to follow rules.

 

[Disney1fan2002]

This is what I thought reading your post.."how unfair to your neice who is paying her own way, if these 3 were allowed to go"

You gave a each one a single condition and they would get a free trip to Disney. They could not hold up their end of the bargain, so too bad, so sad. Tell your sister that if her 17 yo and 18 yo really want to go to Disney, you know a good travel agent who might be able to get them a good deal. To be 17 and 18 and the only requirement to go to Disney is to get a job, and they didn't...nope, do not feel bad for one minute. You take your mom and your little niece ( who could teach her cousin's a thing or two about responsibility) and have a blast. You don't need to be handing out trips to Disney to spoiled brats who seem like they won't even appreciate it.

What a great Aunt you are. Too bad your sister ( or Sis-in-law?) doesn't appreciate you more! (((HUGS)))

 

[lisajl]

No, you were not wrong! As a parent that makes her kids tow the line....thank you!

 

[myfairygodmother]

Good for you!!

These children are definately old enough to take responsibility for their own actions and if that means not going to WDW then so be it. I will be taking my three nephews to WDW in October. It is the 2nd time I have taken the oldest two(14 yr old twins) and the first trip for the youngest(8 yrs old). They all know what is expected of them(good behavior + earning their own spending money + working on reading skills--the twins have a learning disability) and all three are working quite hard to live up to those expectations. The oldest ones already have more spending $$ than I thought they would as they have been doing yardwork and such--they even asked to have the $$$ traded in for Disney Dollars to help them save it. All three know that if they do not live up to what is expected of them for this trip, they will not go--no discussion. It would sadden me if I had to tell one or more of them that they could not go due to their actions(or lack thereof) but in that situation, to do anything less would only undermine their respect for you and ultimately for themselves. Sorry to ramble.... Just take a long deep breath and stick to your guns!

 

[BibbidyBobbidyBoo]

I don't think you are in the wrong at ALL. SOMEONE has to teach those children a thing or two so they'll straighten up and it doesn't sound like their mom is going to be the one to do it. No offense, I hope none taken! But really.... although I don't know the situation with the one that failed 7th grade... I mean that might have been a hard "one condition" to meet if the child has learning difficulties or was too far behind at the time the condition was given... but the other two, NO EXCUSE. Sound lazy to me! And the youngest telling you to go to "hades".

Sounds like you'll have more fun without them anyway- but the fact of the matter is, they didn't meet your conditions. They knew what they had to do to get to go to Disney and you pay for it- and they didn't do it. For your sister to expect you to still take them AND pay for them is ridiculous.

I tell you what *I* would do in this situation. I would have done exactly what you did, stick to my guns about it AND turn around and offer to pay atleast half (if not all) of the other niece's trip. I mean after all- she didn't get a "free trip" offer/condition to meet and yet she's still obviously a very responsible child, made straight A's, etc. That should be rewarded- might as well use the money (or less probably) that you would have spent on the other children and reward her for being such a great kid.

 

[macs4us]

This has been so difficult for me. These are my sister's kids, and she has done a horrible job raising them. It's also hard because I am the baby sister, and she really doesn't listen to me. I love the kids a lot, and we have done so much for them financially and emotionally, as their mother seems to spend time with, and money on, them when it suits her whims - if it's not important to her, it doesn't matter. They live in MN, and we have paid for them to come out and stay the summer with us a couple of times, and always offer to take them on trips, but my sister won't let them go unless it suits her needs. But they need someone in their lives who will say "you are accountable!!!" My younger nephew had my mom help him do his homework, and he "forgot" to turn it in - I have no idea why he does these things.

My other niece is an only child (she lives 15 minutes from us), and her mom (my eldest sister) is paying for part of her expenses, but she has saved over $600 so far on her own (her portion of FTP is $900). My sister insists that she learns how to budget and pays for most of her portion of this trip, as she has been pretty spoiled (I'll have my room service by the pool...). She doesn't want her daughter to turn out like our other sister's kids, spoiled and ungrateful. We have decided to stay longer, so we are paying for the extra days. I bought my niece a bunch of pins to trade, and a personalized Mickey duffel. I plan on getting her a few "treats" (she really wants a Pal Mickey) as well...ok, I spoil her, too!!!

Thanks for letting me vent about this - and for all the hugs!!! I need them!!!

 

[Mady/Sophiemom]

Have fun on your trip.

I wish I could be so steadfast. I'm trying real hard to get my 8 Y.O. to take on some responsibility. Not tons of stuff, but at least picking up her room, and helping with putting laundry away, etc. I work FT, and am trying to work extra shifts, to help pay for vacation. My hubby is great, and does a lot around the house.

I usually end up giving in. Not good I know.

 

[tinaluis]

You did the right thing. Too often I see out of control kids who are not held accountable for their own actions. I hope they will learn an important lesson from this.

 

[veraletta]

I dont know what is right or wrong because I wouldnt have gave everyone some thing to do to be able to go to disney, as disney is a trip for the family but, I was wondering if the older ones didnt get a job because of going to disney, as it would really be hard for them to be able to get a job, if at the time of trying to get one they had to say to the person, hiring them, hey I'm also going to disney for a week and I will need this week off, is that okay ? a lot of places will say no, as there are a lot of teenage out there looking for a job.. or is it that your niece and nephew just didnt try to get a job at all ?

The thing I see is that you cant really undo what your sister as already done with rasing her children, by telling them hey you can go on a trip if you do x y and z..
as they are what they are. she did it to them. I know you would like to teach them a lesson but, is it really your job to.


As for the the one that failed 7th grade, hey you havent had kids yet believe me you will see it a hold lot differently.. My son did the same thing as your nephew.. he did his homework but didnt turn it in. he didnt fail but his grades were not what we were used to.. he was alway and a and b student. but when he got into 7 grade he was ground all the way even thru high school .. haha
but I never stopped him from taking a trip or going on a trip with his school, as he was in band. he didnt have friends over at all even in the summer. if his grades were not up. He will tell you that I even made him learn spanish one whole summer because his grades were low. We were lucky none of our kids ever failed a grade.Both girls were honor students. all thru their school years but my son did have a lazy problem He is still lazy he is 20 now but he goes to work but thats it, for a young person he acts 50. his friend have to come to his house to see him. he spents time playing games on the computer. but I never had to worry about him. He never lied to me, that I know of..haha he was so diffent then the girls, after he got into the 7th grade.

I can see why your sister will not listen to you, its not you, its that you havent had kids yet and I'm sure she feels that your in put will not help her.. I'm not saying she is right, heck you may know more than her. but I can see why she will not listen to you, as she sees you as her baby sister, and what in the world can you tell her..haha

I just think there were other ways to make them accountable and I do under that they are old enough to take responsibility.
I just dont see why you asked them in the first place ?
Was it to teach them a lesson by seeing if they fail or pass your test to go to disney ?
It does sound to me like you really dont like them or like being around them, As you point out how your sister has failed her children. You say they are spoiled. I didnt like how my brother and his wife did their kids so I never asked them to go to disney.. I was always asked by my brother to take them and I said no not until your kids change..So they never went with me. I did how ever take my children friends..

I did feel how unfair you are to your neice who is paying her own way, I understand that your other sister is doing a better job of raising her daughter than her sister, but couldnt you have made the same deal for all the kids.. That they all needed to make their own money.
because I feel it was really unfair to treat her diffent because she was more responsibe, she didnt get rewarded for it, while the other ones did how ever, they were going to get a free trip, while she paid for her 's, just didnt seem right to me.

and as for you mom has always dreamed of taking all her grandbabies to WDW, I think we all do that. I hope she will at least enjoy the one that is going. I wonder if she will feel bad for the other ones. As I have grandchildren and Its alway been hard for me to enjoy having fun with one of them and leaving the others behind. I'm getting ready to leave one behind again while going with the other two. It hurts because you know the others ones know about the trip but what can you do if their parents will not let them go..

I do hope that you all have fun and really enjoy your self. I hope that the others ones will get to go some time in their life, and I hope they understand that you did what you feel was right.
I'm sorry that your sister is really upset with you, but its your trip you have every right to do what you want to do.
So have a good time..

 

[4greatboys]

Its unforunate you are put in the middle of a kids and mom who does show them the results of their actions. Sticking to your guns with kids is so hard. We always want to make them happy, its heartbreaking to see them dissapointed but they must learn actions have consquences. When they are older and have jobs and are married their spouses and bosses will expect certain things of them and they need to be responsible enough to do the right things. Life is going to be so very hard for them if they think they can not hold up their end of their responsiblites and still get things handed to them.

 

[Eiblis]

I totally agree with your actions.....and the fact that your sisters children reacted the way they did shows that they have no respect for you.
Not having been to Disney (yet), but judging from your post I imagine you would have had a lot of hassles regarding what you and they saw as responsible behaviour. As things are have a great time and enjoy yourself.

 

[Sue & Co.]

I just wanted to add how much I agree with your stand. I am a mother of three and children have to learn that actions (or inactions) have consequences. It is always difficult when you have to punish a child, it usually hurts you as much as if not more than them but if you don't the result will hurt them far more in the future. I have a friend who only has one daughter (and an older son) and the daughter has always been given into totally. As a result now she is a spoilt little madame who is no pleasure to be with and who you can see is heading for a big fall some time soon.

Mind you I have to say I do agree with the other posters that it would have been very unfair on your other niece if these children had gone and she knew that they had everything paid for whilst she had had to work hard to earn her own money.

 

[BibbidyBobbidyBoo]

Veraletta- I couldn't disagree with most of your post anymore than I do.

I know you would like to teach them a lesson but, is it really your job to.

Okay, maybe it's not her job to- but it's also not her job to pay for a Disney trip for them either. There is nothing wrong with wanting irresponsible children, made that way by their mother, to have to EARN a free Disney trip. Nothing wrong at all. She didn't HAVE to offer at all. She could have just taken the one niece that was paying her own way and asked to go. She never had to offer a free trip to the other niece/nephews at all!

I did feel how unfair you are to your neice who is paying her own way, I understand that your other sister is doing a better job of raising her daughter than her sister, but couldnt you have made the same deal for all the kids.. That they all needed to make their own money.
because I feel it was really unfair to treat her diffent because she was more responsibe, she didnt get rewarded for it, while the other ones did how ever, they were going to get a free trip, while she paid for her 's, just didnt seem right to me.

I also totally disagree with this. If anything, it was more unfair to the one niece who didn't get a chance to get a FREE trip. She wasn't offered a free trip if she did this or that- yet she makes straight A's and saved her money to pay for it. The difference between the two and why they had a 'condition' to meet is because she was offering to PAY for their trip. They were offered a free trip if they showed some responsibility and meet her conditions. She has a right to make those conditions because she's offering it for free. The other child asked to go and pay her own way- therefore she had no conditions to meet- although it really makes no difference since she's already a straight A's student plus responsible enough to earn money to pay part of the trip and her MOTHER, not the aunt, is paying the rest. Big difference there. So I don't feel it's unfair at all that they had conditions and she didn't. Actually a little unfair that she wasn't offered a way to get a FREE trip- but she's explained that now why that wasn't offered and I think that shows how the niece's mother is raising her child right/responsible/etc. (but I also think it's neat that she's going to do some special things for her- I think she deserves it)

No one gets a free ride... and shouldn't expect it.... and shouldn't teach their children to expect it. The mother of the children that didn't meet the conditions is wrong, the aunt is totally in the right. In my opinion ofcourse.

 

[Disney1fan2002]

The thing I see is that you cant really undo what your sister as already done with rasing her children, by telling them hey you can go on a trip if you do x y and z..

Veraletta, I have to wholeheartedly disagree with your post. Macs4us certainly cannot undo what has been done by the way these kids were raised, but she does not have to include them in a trip that she is paying for when they are already showing her that they are not going to appreciate it. I also think that if someone is paying for my children to go on a trip to WDW of all places and they feel in order to go on this trip, there are going to be conditions, well, then, it is that person's money. I don't think it was unfair of Macs4us to pay for these kids and not the neice who already had her money saved. What would of been unfair is if she just grabbed her nephew's and older niece and took them for a free trip when the 11 yo is paying most of her own way. To make it fair to the 11 yo, I think she wanted the other kids to show they could take on a responsibility to ba able to go on the trip and they failed miserably. Did you notice the ages of the older two? They are 17 and 18 years old. ADULTS. I agree it would of been hard for them to get a job if they have a planned vacation coming up, but, many,many teens g on summer vacations with their families and they still manage to get jobs. Another thing these two teens could of done is called up their aunt ( who is paying for their trip to Disney) and explained to her that they are really, really hitting the pavement trying to find a job, but nobody will hire them because of this trip. I think if Macs4us had some indication that they were at LEAST TRYING to find a job, then the outcome would be different. I don't believe based on her post, that was the case.

As for any child who has to repeat a grade due to not turning in work they are capable of doing, should not have an all expense paid trip to Disney. If you feel they should not be excluded from a family trip, fine, then their mom can take them. I am sure Macs4us gave her nephew plenty enough notice to bring his grades up to save him from having to repeat 7th grade. Obvoiusly, this upcoming trip did not mean enough to him to get his butt in gear and do his work.

I have nephews like this. There is no way in HECK I am going to pay for them to go to WDW, because I know that they would not appreciate it, they would go on the trip, come home and continue to treat their mother like dirt.

 

[dg39]

Lets not forget we're not talking about babies or even young kids here. These kids are old enough to know whats right and wrong. THe poster is probably better off that these teens didn't keep up with the deal. Can you imagine how they would act on vacation. The would ruin it for everyone. THese kids need discipline & if they don't get it from the parents, they can't get it from anyone else. The aunt can try her best, but they don't live with & she can do only so much. THey need responsabilities & they need to suffer the consequences for all there actions. They won't change there ways until the parents change their parental skills. Its the hardest job in the world to raise decent kids. I'm glad the other neice is going, she sounds like she deserves a treat for the hard work she does all year. Disney is a luxury not a necessity.

 

[christinanapier]

Ok I agree with Veraletta she shouldn't have asked in the first place.Yes these are teens, how many people have teens? I was a teen not to long ago.I heard free trip that was it ! I just heard blah blah blah!
I am now going to the mind of a 7th grade boy "I'm try'n don't they not understand !!!!!!!" This is the mind frame you are dealing with.
You knew this in the beginning so why ask them to go!
Ok now mind frame of of 11 yr. old girl "Heah I do everything I'm supposed to and working my butt off and they my cousins get a free ride if they keep up with a bargain,where's mine!!!!!!!!
Feel bad for the 11 yr. old!
Some of you obviously didn't read veraletta's post very well, some are disagreeing with thier own comments.Making same points as Veraletta.
Agree not aunts job to teach a lesson here moms job.Not aunts job to give free trip either but she was going to and the kids didn't hear nothing after the words "FREE TRIP" they are teens selective hearing!!!!!!!!!!

 

[minnieandmickey]

You did the right thing!!! In fact I have a feeling your Sister/inlaw probably is more mad at the fact that she doesn't get time away from the kids then the kids actually going. Stick to your guns, I have a feeling if you had taken them it would have been a horrible trip, because if they talk to their mother they way you say and then they way they talked to you when you told them they were not going, what would have stopped them from that on vacation when they didn't get their way.
Have a great time with your Niece!!!! She deserves it!!!!!

By the way I have a teen at home and we are going to WDW in Oct. I have told my kids (DD10 and DS14) that they have to save their own spending money. DD has saved almost 200 from birthdays etc. DS has already planned on how to spend his money and none of it involves vacation. I have reminded him and reminded him that it is his responsibility, and he always said I know mom and I will probably find something I like but you can remind me of our conversation. And I will.....