VENT: "No, i'm not having another!"

[sweetpeakaris]

I hate when people make comments on your life. Whether you have 1 or 20 children, people will always ghave something to say!

 

[JUJU814]

I don't think it is ever socially acceptable to be rude. One wrong doesn't warrant another.

I don't think saying "that is none of your business" is rude. It depends upon the tone in which it's said...say it out loud to yourself nicely and politely, or say it with fury as if the person has some nerve. Comes out two very different ways!

Perhaps a reply such as "that is a very personal decision between only my husband and myself and I don't care to discuss it" translate it: "none of your business!"

 

[JUJU814]

That might be a little bit rude, even if it is true. But there are other ways to convey the same message. It's perfectly socially acceptable to say "That's a very personal question" or "I'm not comfortable discussing that right now" or something similar. (Another option would be to burst into tears and say "I just can't talk about it" a couple of times - people tend to be scared to ask after that.) Those are very difficult to argue with, and it just makes the person look bad if they keep badgering you about it. The most important thing if you don't want people asking stuff like that is to never actually answer them. If you answer, they'll feel they have the right to ask whenever they want. Always repeat the same non-answer and they'll eventually stop asking.

LOLOL Love the "bursting into tears" option to scare them off!

 

[princessmom29]

I have an almost 7 year old DD, and I get this all the time. I also get told how unfiar it is to DD not to have another. If you ask her, she will tell you straight up that she has no desire for a sibling. "I had a rough time having the one I have and I am done, thank you" Is my go to response.

 

[~Kristina~]

I'm on the other end of the spectrum. I get "Are you done????". Unfortunately yes, then I hear "are you sure?" or "did he get fixed?" Actually he got broken, he was working just fine before the vasectomy.

I'm not sure why having children is anyone elses business.

 

[judypriv]

Me too! We had 2, one boy and one girl 20 mos apart. Most people (family) thought we were crazy for wanting a 3rd since we had the "perfect family" with one of each. To me, it didn't matter that we had a boy and girl, just didn't feel like our family was complete. Now we're quite content with 3...

Nice to hear it! I hate the "perfect family" comments which is often said to me by people who have 2, one of each. 2 may be perfect for one family but always feel like there is someone missing.

 

[judypriv]

Try not having (or wanting) any. I usually answer the "When are you having kids?" question with "My DH and I have made a personal, private decision to not have children." QUOTE]

This reminds me of my SIL (who just had one at 43) who had trouble getting pregnant and my other SIL told her "You better hurry up or your baby will be retarded." I mean YIKES! What kind of people act like that? It's really amazing. My kids are 11 months apart (Yes, you CAN get pregnant while BF!) and you can't BELIEVE the comments I get weekly on that one. We tell them, we wanted another baby right away (we did but maybe not quite that right away) and they don't even believe us so what's the point?

Here's a good giggle for you:
My sister has no kids and doesn't want any. he husband is ten years older and she didn't want to change her lifestyle but she's an awesome aunt. Anyway, whenever we would go to a baby function she would get pissed since the elderly aunts would poke her and say "You're next!" and the last time she told the family if one more does it, the next time there is s funeral she's going to poke one of them and say "You're next!"

 

[TheRatPack]

LOL, well I get the same looks and we have 5 and tell people we'll take as many as we're blessed with. I actually don't get the look like I have 8 heads....but maybe one of 'where is your mental health hospital band' LMBO! No one is ever going to agree or understand your decisions for everything in life. Kids, budgets, vacations, house size, cars....etc. You have to be secure in your own reasoning and be comfortable with your own decisions....ignore everyone else

 

[Michelle and crew]

I don't think saying "that is none of your business" is rude. It depends upon the tone in which it's said...say it out loud to yourself nicely and politely, or say it with fury as if the person has some nerve. Comes out two very different ways!

Perhaps a reply such as "that is a very personal decision between only my husband and myself and I don't care to discuss it" translate it: "none of your business!"

Well, there usually is a nice way to express a negative concept.

 

[nmmom95]

[/QUOTE]
Here's a good giggle for you:
My sister has no kids and doesn't want any. he husband is ten years older and she didn't want to change her lifestyle but she's an awesome aunt. Anyway, whenever we would go to a baby function she would get pissed since the elderly aunts would poke her and say "You're next!" and the last time she told the family if one more does it, the next time there is s funeral she's going to poke one of them and say "You're next!"[/QUOTE]

That's awesome!

Actually, I never ask about children. You just never know someone's situation. My boys are over 5 years apart because I lost a newborn. When I was asked that when I had only my older son, it would always reduce me to tears.

 

[judypriv]

No one is ever going to agree or understand your decisions for everything in life. Kids, budgets, vacations, house size, cars....etc.

I have a neighbor who basically stopped talking to us because we go to Disney 2 times a year. She says we're wasting money and how so we afford it? My husband explained that I cook at home (they eat all meals out) and I am thrifty and she was miffed! My dad always says everyone can find a way to justify what they find important.

 

[nessz79]

Great thread! It is a good reminder to be careful what we say.

I have a friend who already knows she only wants to have 1 child. She is recently married and doesn't have any children yet. We've been friends since high school so I felt comfortable asking her "if she was sure she wouldn't want another." When she repeated no, I left it alone. I could easily see how it could be frustrating to hear this over and over from different people.

My boys always get asked if they are twins- they were 18 months apart. We usually have to go through the spiel over and over that they aren't twins. They are very close in height and look alike. Sometimes they try to throw people off by purposely dressing alike!

 

[judypriv]

My boys always get asked if they are twins- they were 18 months apart. We usually have to go through the spiel over and over that they aren't twins. They are very close in height and look alike. Sometimes they try to throw people off by purposely dressing alike!

Mine are 11 months apart and everyone asks if they are twins and then I say no, 11 months apart and I get the jaw agape look. Funny how times have chnaged. My dad is the youngest of 9 and most of them were 1 year apart and no one even blinked an eye.

 

[PrincessTiffany]

I'm so sick of people asking me, us, if we are going to have more kids! When I say No they look at me like I have 8 heads!!! Then the reply is always, well you never know. actually I do. I'm sorry I'm not a baby factory! Now my SIL is pregnant again and people are like ohhh when you see her's you're going to want another. NO I'M NOT! I'm not going to want another.

Ugh! Vent over thank you.

When did having more than 2 kids make someone a baby factory?

 

[Michelle and crew]

When did having more than 2 kids make someone a baby factory?

Lol, you aren't pointing out a bit of hypocrisy are you?

 

[Scurvy]

When did having more than 2 kids make someone a baby factory?

I don't know how MaleficentandGoons meant that comment, but it can start to feel like that's all people see you as, when they keep suggesting you have more kids when you don't want to. It's like they expect you to keep cranking them out just to crank them out, like a factory. They seem to think you just have to have more because that's what you're supposed to be doing, whether you want to or not. That's totally different from someone who is having more because they actually want more.

 

[PrincessTiffany]

I don't know how MaleficentandGoons meant that comment, but it can start to feel like that's all people see you as, when they keep suggesting you have more kids when you don't want to. It's like they expect you to keep cranking them out just to crank them out, like a factory. They seem to think you just have to have more because that's what you're supposed to be doing, whether you want to or not. That's totally different from someone who is having more because they actually want more.

I don't know how she meant it, but saying that if she has more than one kid she is a baby factory is, well, ridiculous.

 

[TheRatPack]

My dad always says everyone can find a way to justify what they find important.

Very true, very true! We justify Disney vacations, Homeschooling and having more children

 

[ktlm]

I have an almost 7 year old DD, and I get this all the time. I also get told how unfiar it is to DD not to have another. If you ask her, she will tell you straight up that she has no desire for a sibling. ".

My DD (4 1/2) is the exact same way. A lady said something to her a couple of months ago to the effect of "maybe you'll have a brother or sister some day", and her mouth dropped open and she looked at her and said "ABSOLUTELY NOT!! I don't want a brother or sister! I'm not sharing my Mom and Dad or my stuff!!!" (Thanks goodness because DD isn't going to have a brother or sister). DD has always been absolutely adamant that she does not want a sibling and that she will NOT be happy if one EVER shows up.

Don't flame the lady, she is someone I like a lot and I was not mad at her, but people just don't think when they ask questions like that. It doesn't cross their mind that not everyone can just have kids whenever they want. Before DD, I got the "When are you guys going to have kids?" constantly. Do these people want the real answer? "Well, we've been trying for 4 years and we've been seeing a doctor for almost two years and I curl up on the bathroom floor bawling every month when I'm not pregnant. Oh yeah, and after 3 years and a doctor's help getting pg, I had a m/c and I've been completely devastated since then, and I'm trying my best not to burst into tears right now because every time someone asks me that question it feels pretty much like they are sticking a knife in me, but Hey, thanks for asking!"

Since DD, we now get the "When are you going to have another one?" And the "She really needs a sibling" all the time. Again, people just don't realize it's hurtful. I look younger than I am, so people just assume we are going to have another one. We are lucky to have one. I always wanted 2, but it just didn't happen for us. Again, do they really want me to say "Well, it took 4 years to get pg with DD, so I wound up being older than I thought I would be when I had her; and I had to have an emergency C-section so the doctor told me I had to wait a year before trying again because of all the circumstances...... (and I could go on from there)" It took awhile, but I'm okay with just having 1 now (more trips to WDW because it is much less expensive with 1!!!), and the fact that she REALLY doesn't want a sibling helps. Now when I get that question it doesn't hurt anymore and I just nicely answer "It just didn't happen for us and I'm in my 40s now, so I don't think it is going to". That answer completely shuts up most people. A few will ask "Do you ever think about adopting?". I stop that line with "Yes, but we were afraid DD would kill the kid because she really doesn't want a sibling". I have yet to meet a person that keeps going after that answer!

 

[MaleficentandGoons]

I don't know how MaleficentandGoons meant that comment, but it can start to feel like that's all people see you as, when they keep suggesting you have more kids when you don't want to. It's like they expect you to keep cranking them out just to crank them out, like a factory. They seem to think you just have to have more because that's what you're supposed to be doing, whether you want to or not. That's totally different from someone who is having more because they actually want more.

THIS!

Two is fine just not something I want.