VENT: "No, i'm not having another!"

[RMulieri]

We have only one child, not by choice, but I'm learning the advantages and starting to enjoy it. Here are my favorite responses to "So, are you having any more?"


1. Well, we just tried this morning, we'll see how it goes!

2. We have more, but we keep misplacing them.

3. But how will we teach our son that he is the Master of the World if he has to share his stuff?

4. Why do you ask, are you wanting to wager? I'm collecting $20 for each bet, I'll call you with the results.

5. Are you looking to unload one?

6. My magic eight-ball says it doesn't look good, and I ALWAYS do what it says to.


Or, there's always the truth...

7. We could try, but it'd likely kill me (with a big grin).


I'm sure I'm being oversensitive, but it's a sensitive topic. I completely understand that people are just trying to make conversation, but what's really tough is when they ask right in front of my son (which they almost always do). We're still not even sure what we're going to tell him about the situation, so it's tough explain it to a total stranger right in front of him. What we're leaning towards is "He is a miracle," which is the truth, and probably what we'll tell him too. I'm hoping when people hear that they'll catch our drift and let it go.

Thanks to the others out there who've said they've learned something from this thread, what a great way to look at it!

I hear ya!! I tried the polite " we can't have anymore" and yet somehow that doesn't seem to get the point across..I have had people ( strangers )flat out ask why? or say things like " Can't have anymore or don't want anymore"? it is really a sore spot with me.I have had family say to my 6 yr old.." tell Mommy and Daddy you need a sister or a brother" Knowing full well we can't have anymore.My daughter gets upset and that makes me sad.I have had people tell me " well ....just adopt" and that is an option, but a very long and expensive one we just can't afford right now.At this point , I feel we are complete, and it is meant to be this way.But it doesn't stop the hurting and the heartache when people butt in and say insensitive things.

 

[MaleficentandGoons]

People never cease to amaze me in what they say. When I was over 30 and still single, I was always asked "When are you going to get married." As if it was as simple as heading to the grocery store and picking out a head of lettuce. I just responded with "When I meet someone who actually deserves me."

Now that I am happily married to Prince Charming and we have a precious 18 month old, people assume we are having more. It does get annoying. Why does everyone think they can be all up in my business anyway? When I had my daughter I was high-risk and got pre-eclampsia. My labor experience was a nightmare that I never want to re-live. Thank the Lord she was full-term when it happened. So I just tell them if we have more, they will be coming out of someone's body other than mine!

Also, while we are on the topic of inappropriate questions. I hate when people tease young girls about their boyfriends. Odds are she does not have a boyfriend and now feels stupid b/c you made her feel like she should.

DITTO! High -Risk, pre-eclamsia, gestational diabetes. DH and already said one and done, so i guess i got all the "blessings" that pregnancy can offer. i was induced 3 weeks early. Labor was fine not as hard as I thought it would be at all.

 

[Keke]

DITTO! High -Risk, pre-eclamsia, gestational diabetes. DH and already said one and done, so i guess i got all the "blessings" that pregnancy can offer. i was induced 3 weeks early. Labor was fine not as hard as I thought it would be at all.

You sound EXACTLY like me. Diabetes, pre-eclampsia, induced 3 weeks early. Unfortunately, labor for me was not fine. All 25 hours of it (including pushing for 4) But the worst was that I was on Mag Sulfate for about 18 hours of that. HORRIBLE. And it screwed up DD. She came out gray and not breathing, Apgar score of 1! So her first hours were spent in the NICU. I didn't get to hold her, see them bathe her, weigh her, etc. I missed it all. It was a very traumatic experience. If I ever do get pregnant again (and it will be by accident), I will demand a c-section this time.

 

[floridascgirl]

My DS is almost 13 and I'm 43, but yet people still feel compelled to ask me if I'm going to have any more...I mean, come on. The worst thing about the obnoxious question is that we almost did have another 4 years ago, but I lost the baby at 12 weeks. Sometimes I wish I could just announce it to them after they ask...that might teach them not to ask anyone again.

 

[snowy76]

I have had people tell me " well ....just adopt" and that is an option, but a very long and expensive one we just can't afford right now.

Wow, what jerks. And are they willing to pay for that adoption? Because if they're that open with their opinions they should be just as open with their wallets.

I've had this issue lately with my sister being pregnant (her first). Everyone's looking at us and asking when our next one is coming. Ummmm, my DH is pushing 50 and he has been very honest that having DS4 has been exhausting for him! I've seen the change in him too - it really hit home for him that he's not getting younger, not being able to do some of the things he did with the other two kids in his mid-30s. He does not want to go through that again and I'm shocked how many people can't accept that. Geez.

 

[EKW]

They're saying that because they have life experience that you don't have yet. You might never want another child. OR, you may end up being like a lot of women who spent a decade or more being absolutely sure that they were done with babies, only to realize at 42 or 43 that they really want one more child.

I've had friends who've had horrific pregnancies and labor/deliveries decide that it would be worth it to have one more child.

If you can't discuss this without becoming angry and emotional...if you can't understand that others might have some insite that, at 30, you don't have yet, then, when people ask, say, "Sorry, that's a personal issue that my husband and I have chosen to only discuss with each other."

p.s. You might consider their comments to be a compliment...obviously, they think you are a good mother, you have a charming child, and, it would be good for society in general if you had more!

 

[MamaJessie]

While my SIL think LOVE will pay the bills, I know that it will not.

It's not her fault people are giving you grief. If the intention of this thread is a general "people should butt out of other people's business" then... return the sentiment.

And like a pp said, when I get frustrated with people that cannot understand why we have four kids and may even have more, I try to remember that I may unintentionally frustrate others too and try to give them the benefit of the doubt, and let it roll off my back.

Enjoy your only and try not to let people bother you

 

[MamaJessie]

My fave answer was always, "Because, unlike X (fill in the blank with a female relative's name), I can count from 1 to 28."

So... you assume people are being snarky and to show them how much you don't like it you bash someone else, someone not even involved. Poor x.

 

[MamaJessie]

I would also like to add that my sister and her husband AND my best friend and her husband have opted a child free lifestyle and they can both tell you many stories about all the things people have said.

I have been asked by different people, if number 4 was an accident

And here are my confessions....
I have said "You never know...." A LOT. I really believe that you never know, your mind can change. At one point DH was done with two. I never realized how much that phrase bothers people and I will try my darndest to not say it anymore. I'm not trying to be rude, so now I know.

 

[mrsltg]

We have only one child, not by choice, but I'm learning the advantages and starting to enjoy it. Here are my favorite responses to "So, are you having any more?"


1. Well, we just tried this morning, we'll see how it goes!

2. We have more, but we keep misplacing them.

3. But how will we teach our son that he is the Master of the World if he has to share his stuff?

4. Why do you ask, are you wanting to wager? I'm collecting $20 for each bet, I'll call you with the results.

5. Are you looking to unload one?

6. My magic eight-ball says it doesn't look good, and I ALWAYS do what it says to.


Or, there's always the truth...

7. We could try, but it'd likely kill me (with a big grin).


I'm sure I'm being oversensitive, but it's a sensitive topic. I completely understand that people are just trying to make conversation, but what's really tough is when they ask right in front of my son (which they almost always do). We're still not even sure what we're going to tell him about the situation, so it's tough explain it to a total stranger right in front of him. What we're leaning towards is "He is a miracle," which is the truth, and probably what we'll tell him too. I'm hoping when people hear that they'll catch our drift and let it go.

Thanks to the others out there who've said they've learned something from this thread, what a great way to look at it!

I LOVE your answers! My situation is a little different than yours. I have three daughters. I also had a son who passed away. You would not believe the number of morons who insist on commenting on my lack of boy! This happens a lot - at Target, the grocery store, the movies, the clothing store, church, etc etc etc. Sometimes it's not bad - "Wow! Three girls!" When it's said that way I always answer, "Yes, I am a very lucky Mom!" However, people have said things so amazingly insensitive. For instance, one lady, after looking at my girls said, "What's the matter? Don't you know how to make a boy?" Without even thinking I answered, "I guess not. He died." I then stared and blinked until she just turned and walked away. Here's hoping she won't say anything so moronic ever again! I've also had a woman tell me I owed my husband a boy!?! These are not as typical as, "Are you going to keep trying for a boy?" Really folks! If the uterus is not in your body (or your partner's) it's NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!

 

[bellarella]

And here are my confessions....
I have said "You never know...." A LOT. I really believe that you never know, your mind can change. At one point DH was done with two. I never realized how much that phrase bothers people and I will try my darndest to not say it anymore. I'm not trying to be rude, so now I know.

So glad that you are open to changing your ways!!!

You would be surprised at the number of people who *do* know that more children are not in their future. Infertility is something that a lot of people are not open about (nor should they have to be -- I don't think anyone, fertile or not, should have to justify the way they choose to build or not build their family).

Also, the older, wiser justification is not respectful to people in general. It's not really passing along any pearls of wisdom to say things might change. Everyone knows that there is some possibility of changed circumstances. And issues of childrearing, I would say, are pretty darn close to religion as far as how strongly they are held. Telling someone that "you never know" when they state their opinion on what is the ideal size for their own family is kind of like telling someone who is a theist or atheist that "they never know" how their belief in god may look in xyz circumstances. Even if your intentions are good, it is pretty hard to take them in that light.

So, again, hats off to you for being open minded!!!

 

[Keke]

They're saying that because they have life experience that you don't have yet. You might never want another child. OR, you may end up being like a lot of women who spent a decade or more being absolutely sure that they were done with babies, only to realize at 42 or 43 that they really want one more child.

I've had friends who've had horrific pregnancies and labor/deliveries decide that it would be worth it to have one more child.

If you can't discuss this without becoming angry and emotional...if you can't understand that others might have some insite that, at 30, you don't have yet, then, when people ask, say, "Sorry, that's a personal issue that my husband and I have chosen to only discuss with each other."

p.s. You might consider their comments to be a compliment...obviously, they think you are a good mother, you have a charming child, and, it would be good for society in general if you had more!

I am not 30. I don't have a decade to gain more insight. In a decade I will be in menopause. My age is the reason my pregnancy and delivery was a problem. I, for one, don't get angry and emotional when someone asks me about it. Some people are just annoying in their pushiness. Believe me, my plan was for lots of children. But God had a different path for me. And I am perfectly happy with it. I have not ruled out adoption, but I know that I will not give birth again.

 

[Colleen27]

Eh, everyone's got an opinion on things that are none of their business. We've gotten it all - from "Why would you want another?" and "Don't you know what causes that?" when we were expecting #3 (because apparently there's no reason to want more once you have a boy and a girl) to "Aren't you going to have one more to keep her company?" because of the 7 year gap between our second and third kids. Oh and then there's the classic "Second marriage?" about the baby because of that age gap, at which point I bite my tongue rather than come back with the too-honest "No, years of trying and a bunch of miscarriages".

People don't mean anything by it, it is just thoughtlessness given voice and it happens regardless of your family size. Don't let it get to you.

 

[Colleen27]

Yeah, I was like you. For years I wasn't planning on having any kids....you know women's lib thing.....school, career, secure financially, etc. Then my biological clock went off and had two within two years: a girl and then a boy. Perfect Presto! About 6 mos. after my second was born we were up to our eyeballs in diapers, bottles and binkies and one very colicky baby. My husband came down one day and said he'd made an appointment to have a vasectomy and I was cool with that. I was overwhelmed with babies and the thought I definitely don't want any more. Besides two seemed politically correct if you know what I mean. Now here I am ten years later living with the biggest regret of my life. What I wouldn't give to go back and have two or three more. I always thought kids were these life sucking, emotionally and financially demanding monsters. Pretty harsh huh? I was so wrong, they're the neatest little people in the world. It never amazes me what they say and do and they can be pretty close to geniuses. But then I am biased.

All in all, wait a year or two, or maybe even five and then reevaluate how you feel. You never know you might change your mind. And if you don't, then at least you know you'll have spent enough time thinking about it before you do anything serious.

I think that's a great argument against making permanent decisions in times of stress. I almost ended up in that same boat - we always wanted 3 but had a terrible time trying for our last, and finally I decided I just couldn't take the roller coaster of getting pregnant, walking on eggshells for a few weeks trying to do everything right, and then miscarrying. So DH had a vasectomy and we put that dream of three kids away as impossible. Only by some unexplained miracle did we end up with our third - DH skipped his post-V analysis, we assumed an all-clear that we never officially got, and somehow that unplanned, unexpected pregnancy was smooth sailing. We still don't know what was different, why I miscarried over and over when we were trying but didn't have any problems carrying DD2 to term

But plenty of people know that they only want one, not just in the emotional moment of dealing with infertility or the sleep deprived state of having two under two but when they're thinking clearly and planning their future. There's a fine line to walk between not making "heat of the moment" decisions you can't take back and postponing acting so long that you risk the decision being made for you via a birth control failure or other "surprise".

 

[Colleen27]

I can't believe people say this as a joke, if you had a miscarriage, or a child with severe disablities like I have you wouldn't think this is funny, and those poor people that have had a child to to heaven...

I don't think it is meant to be funny. I've had miscarriages, and I have friends who have dealt with far worse losses. The one thing that I've heard every one of them say is the same thing I thought when I was dealing with my own losses - that the other kids are a reason to get up and find a way to go on when you just want to curl up in a ball and check out of life.

We take it for granted now that all of our children will be healthy and grow and thrive and most of us will be right about that. But it wasn't that long ago that losing children was far more common, and I think there's a sort of "folk wisdom" left over from those days where having more than one is viewed as emotional insurance of a sort against what was back then a common tragedy.

 

[MaleficentandGoons]

You sound EXACTLY like me. Diabetes, pre-eclampsia, induced 3 weeks early. Unfortunately, labor for me was not fine. All 25 hours of it (including pushing for 4) But the worst was that I was on Mag Sulfate for about 18 hours of that. HORRIBLE. And it screwed up DD. She came out gray and not breathing, Apgar score of 1! So her first hours were spent in the NICU. I didn't get to hold her, see them bathe her, weigh her, etc. I missed it all. It was a very traumatic experience. If I ever do get pregnant again (and it will be by accident), I will demand a c-section this time.

I was on Mag Sulfate too! They told me I would feel like I had the flu for the the few hours after birth. It didn't affect me at all though. The nurses were in shock about my behavior. I pushed for about 1 hour. Daughter didn't cry she just laid there and looked around the room at people. They examined her there and checked her breathing but she WOULD NOT CRY. She was calm. I wish I could same the same thing now. SHE IS A MOVER and a TALKER.

I'm sorry your labor sucked but at least you have your baby now! I will say I always find it funny when parents say they want to give their child a sibling. How do you know they even want one. There is definitely no guarantee that they will even like each other.

 

[Cruz91]

I'm so sick of people asking me, us, if we are going to have more kids! When I say No they look at me like I have 8 heads!!! Then the reply is always, well you never know. actually I do. I'm sorry I'm not a baby factory! Now my SIL is pregnant again and people are like ohhh when you see her's you're going to want another. NO I'M NOT! I'm not going to want another.

Ugh! Vent over thank you.

If there's anything I've learned in my life it's to never say never.

Having said that, when anyone asks someone else about their plans for children, it's rude. You never know what goes on in other people's lives.

 

[A&E'sMom]

I'm curious as to how many here (who are so upset toward those who ask if they are having more) have ever tried to convince a newbie to vacation in WDW? You tell them how great it is, and ask if/when they are ever going to go- because you love it! It's more than a little possible that those who ask if you are going to have more, do so because they love having more than one!

When did having more than 2 kids make someone a baby factory?

Bizarre, isn't it? As a foster parent, I have often been out with four kids, and oh my! The looks and comments I get are far worse than anything the "one and done" crowd here have listed! I only have two, and they are both adopted. I have PCOS, and have never been pregnant. I'm content with the two that I have, we are not TTC, but I am open to having more if/when that happens. If a couple decide to have only one child, or if they decide to have fifteen- what does it matter? I don't understand the militant, derogatory attitude some have toward those who have multiple children.

If you CHOOSE to have just one, and you want others to respect your choice- start by being respectful to those who CHOOSE to have more- both to their face, and behind their back.

 

[Scurvy]

I'm curious as to how many here (who are so upset toward those who ask if they are having more) have ever tried to convince a newbie to vacation in WDW? You tell them how great it is, and ask if/when they are ever going to go- because you love it! It's more than a little possible that those who ask if you are going to have more, do so because they love having more than one!

That's probably true. I'm sure those who ask have only the best intentions, but the question of having more children is much more personal than that of where to vacation. Especially given the fact that it can be such a sensitive topic for those with fertility issues or who have lost children, it's not usually considered polite to ask such an intrusive question. Hopefully those who are enthusiastic about their choice to have children can understand why it might be better to not to ask. Besides, it's likely that if someone wants you to know that information they will share it with you. If they haven't, there may well be a reason they don't want to discuss it.

 

[kbgutknecht]

I'm curious as to how many here (who are so upset toward those who ask if they are having more) have ever tried to convince a newbie to vacation in WDW? You tell them how great it is, and ask if/when they are ever going to go- because you love it! It's more than a little possible that those who ask if you are going to have more, do so because they love having more than one!

Nope, am way too sensitive to others' economic position than to do that. Just because we can go to Bay Lake Tower for Christmas doesn't mean I'm going to stop random moms, give them the Church Lady look of disapproval, and ask them when they're going to take THEIR kids. And do it in front of their children, no less .

That's what it's like when the lady at the gas station asks me why my son doesn't have a brother, in front of him.