VENT: "No, i'm not having another!"

[mhawk4]

Mine are 11 months apart and everyone asks if they are twins and then I say no, 11 months apart and I get the jaw agape look. Funny how times have chnaged. My dad is the youngest of 9 and most of them were 1 year apart and no one even blinked an eye.

Try having two daughters who are 2 months apart. One is adopted from China, one is biologica and a big surprise. After trying for 7+ years and going through all the infertility stuff we decided to adopt. They could never find out why I could not get pregnant although now my doctor thinks it is because I have celiac disease which was diagnosed after I had my daughter.

When they were 8 months and 10 months I would often hear "oh, twins" as someone ran over to the stroller. They then would look in and see two girls who did not look at all alike - one with blond hair and blue eyes, the other with jet black hair and very dark brown eyes. Many times I would get rude comments. My friends used to tell me that I should respond with "the fertility clinic screwed up" or "yes, I did have 'relations' with two men in the same day, one Chinese, one Swedish."

Even now people confuse them all the time. When people ask if I have kids and say yes, two 8-year-olds many people look at me like I am stupid and say "don't you mean twins." Then I say no and explain why and get all kinds of responses, some good, other not. My adopted daughter was really upset at one point last year because a boy at her school would not belive that her sister was her sister and I was her mother. I finally had to call a meeting with his teacher and the principal because it was upsetting her so much. They then talked to his mother.

It does hurt when people ask when you are going to have children. My husband and I were married for 10 years before we decided to adopt and I got pregnant. We tried for 7 years but did not tell many people until we had already tried for 5 years. It was really none of their business and only made me feel bad. Did they want me to describe in detail all the tests, poking and prodding that I had to endure?

My brother and his wife just had their first child. They say that she is going to be the only one and a spoiled one at that!

Be blessed with the children you have! They certainly are a joy no matter how many or how they came!

 

[ktlm]

Try having two daughters who are 2 months apart. One is adopted from China, one is biological and a big surprise.

How wonderful for you!!! Two beautiful girls!! I would have been over the moon if I had an adoption approved for for a little girl from China and then found out I was pg too!!! (after the panic died down)

My friends used to tell me that I should respond with "the fertility clinic screwed up" or "yes, I did have 'relations' with two men in the same day, one Chinese, one Swedish."

I would have loved to have watched you respond to someone with one of those!!

 

[locolala]

You know, you could always respond with a TMI answer like "Oh, we try every night.. last night it was on that chair you're sitting on"

 

[Scurvy]

You know, you could always respond with a TMI answer like "Oh, we try every night.. last night it was on that chair you're sitting on"

Oh, I love that. It's perfect!

 

[MaleficentandGoons]

You know, you could always respond with a TMI answer like "Oh, we try every night.. last night it was on that chair you're sitting on"

 

[judypriv]

Try having two daughters who are 2 months apart. One is adopted from China, one is biological and a big surprise.

I think you get more slack then I do. I get treated like a downright slut! I get the comments like "Couldn't you wait a few night?" and "What did you do? Stop at a motel on the way home from the hospital?" and my favorite "What were you thinking?"

I like to point to my husband who although ADORABLE and WONDERFUL, does look just like Lewis from Revenge of the Nerds and say "Could you resist with a man like this?"

 

[judypriv]

"yes, I did have 'relations' with two men in the same day, one Chinese, one Swedish."

I needed that! I have been having a bad day and that cracked me up!

 

[WDW08]

We are 100% one and done here. Our family felt complete at 3, so DH had a vasectomy when DD was 2. We have gotten many of the typical comments 1) what will you do if something happens to her? My answer to that one is usually that I don't think that my child is replaceable by another child.
2) do you want her to care for you alone when you're old? answer to that 'we have savings in place so that it will not be an issue
3) don't you want her to have a sibling to be close to? I have a sibling - we are not close, nor have we ever been. and 4) the old 'Well, if she had a sibling, she would know how to share.....which i don't justify with a retort.

Alas, I really don't mind when someone doesn't understand our choice because I don't understand the choice to have several children. I don't mean that to be snarky - just sayin' We don't have to accept anyone else's choices, but we can try to understand the point of view.

 

[MaleficentandGoons]

We are 100% one and done here. Our family felt complete at 3, so DH had a vasectomy when DD was 2. We have gotten many of the typical comments 1) what will you do if something happens to her? My answer to that one is usually that I don't think that my child is replaceable by another child.
2) do you want her to care for you alone when you're old? answer to that 'we have savings in place so that it will not be an issue
3) don't you want her to have a sibling to be close to? I have a sibling - we are not close, nor have we ever been. and 4) the old 'Well, if she had a sibling, she would know how to share.....which i don't justify with a retort.

Alas, I really don't mind when someone doesn't understand our choice because I don't understand the choice to have several children. I don't mean that to be snarky - just sayin' We don't have to accept anyone else's choices, but we can try to understand the point of view.

 

[FFWRX]

We got that after our first too. After our third kid it went the other way. They would rag us about having too many kids. (baby factory. etc) I guess everyone we know thinks that 2 is the perfect number.

 

[indimom]

Try having two daughters who are 2 months apart. One is adopted from China, one is biologica and a big surprise. After trying for 7+ years and going through all the infertility stuff we decided to adopt. They could never find out why I could not get pregnant although now my doctor thinks it is because I have celiac disease which was diagnosed after I had my daughter.

When they were 8 months and 10 months I would often hear "oh, twins" as someone ran over to the stroller. They then would look in and see two girls who did not look at all alike - one with blond hair and blue eyes, the other with jet black hair and very dark brown eyes. Many times I would get rude comments. My friends used to tell me that I should respond with "the fertility clinic screwed up" or "yes, I did have 'relations' with two men in the same day, one Chinese, one Swedish."

Even now people confuse them all the time. When people ask if I have kids and say yes, two 8-year-olds many people look at me like I am stupid and say "don't you mean twins." Then I say no and explain why and get all kinds of responses, some good, other not. My adopted daughter was really upset at one point last year because a boy at her school would not belive that her sister was her sister and I was her mother. I finally had to call a meeting with his teacher and the principal because it was upsetting her so much. They then talked to his mother.

It does hurt when people ask when you are going to have children. My husband and I were married for 10 years before we decided to adopt and I got pregnant. We tried for 7 years but did not tell many people until we had already tried for 5 years. It was really none of their business and only made me feel bad. Did they want me to describe in detail all the tests, poking and prodding that I had to endure?

My brother and his wife just had their first child. They say that she is going to be the only one and a spoiled one at that!

Be blessed with the children you have! They certainly are a joy no matter how many or how they came!

Exact Same Thing happened to a teacher at our local school the year I was preg. with DD. They had tried for years, decided to adopt from China, were in the process, when she found out she was almost 5 months preg. They have two girls who are around 5 months apart.

 

[RMulieri]

We are 100% one and done here. Our family felt complete at 3, so DH had a vasectomy when DD was 2. We have gotten many of the typical comments 1) what will you do if something happens to her? My answer to that one is usually that I don't think that my child is replaceable by another child.
2) do you want her to care for you alone when you're old? answer to that 'we have savings in place so that it will not be an issue
3) don't you want her to have a sibling to be close to? I have a sibling - we are not close, nor have we ever been. and 4) the old 'Well, if she had a sibling, she would know how to share.....which i don't justify with a retort.

Alas, I really don't mind when someone doesn't understand our choice because I don't understand the choice to have several children. I don't mean that to be snarky - just sayin' We don't have to accept anyone else's choices, but we can try to understand the point of view.

My response to #2 is the same as yours, and as for number 3 I have 2 brothers one of whom I talk to , the other I haven't seen or heard from in 10+ years.My husband has one brother that we see and talk to once a year.Just because you have siblings does not guarantee closeness, nor does it guarantee help when family crisis hits..Like Mom and Dad getting ill.As we have recently discovered...

 

[amyren]

I hear ya. DD is two and a half while I love being her mommy I'm not convinced that I want more. It's a possibility but not something we are planning. It seems like someone mentions baby number 2 daily! Neighbors, friends, family, strangers…. it's so annoying. I hate that everyone assumes we want more kids. A lot of my friends are in what I call the "two under two club". They wanted their kids close in age because they have this idea that they will grow up as best friends. Now several complain that they have no free time, too many diapers, not enough sleep etc… No thanks, I'll enjoy DD for a while before I make a decision about number 2.

DD is at a really fun age and we are able to do a lot of things now that we wouldn't be able to do with an infant. We are going to WDW and on a cruise next month, we have a European trip planned for next summer. I'm enjoying DD and if we decide for another that's our business. I usually tell people that I am waiting to see how the first one turns out before I decide on a second.

 

[kbgutknecht]

We have only one child, not by choice, but I'm learning the advantages and starting to enjoy it. Here are my favorite responses to "So, are you having any more?"


1. Well, we just tried this morning, we'll see how it goes!

2. We have more, but we keep misplacing them.

3. But how will we teach our son that he is the Master of the World if he has to share his stuff?

4. Why do you ask, are you wanting to wager? I'm collecting $20 for each bet, I'll call you with the results.

5. Are you looking to unload one?

6. My magic eight-ball says it doesn't look good, and I ALWAYS do what it says to.


Or, there's always the truth...

7. We could try, but it'd likely kill me (with a big grin).


I'm sure I'm being oversensitive, but it's a sensitive topic. I completely understand that people are just trying to make conversation, but what's really tough is when they ask right in front of my son (which they almost always do). We're still not even sure what we're going to tell him about the situation, so it's tough explain it to a total stranger right in front of him. What we're leaning towards is "He is a miracle," which is the truth, and probably what we'll tell him too. I'm hoping when people hear that they'll catch our drift and let it go.

Thanks to the others out there who've said they've learned something from this thread, what a great way to look at it!

 

[robandkelly13]

I'm with you. DD is 5 and we constantly get the question. My response is always that I'm happy and don't feel the need to have another child. I love my family as is! Why do YOU think I need another? Our family of 3 is perfect in my opinion

 

[delmar411]

I think you get more slack then I do. I get treated like a downright slut! I get the comments like "Couldn't you wait a few night?" and "What did you do? Stop at a motel on the way home from the hospital?" and my favorite "What were you thinking?"

I like to point to my husband who although ADORABLE and WONDERFUL, does look just like Lewis from Revenge of the Nerds and say "Could you resist with a man like this?"

Geez, that is really rude of ppl! I would be livid!! We had 3 in 2.5yrs (we must of stopped at that same motel you did! ) and the worst we've gotten from it was MIL telling us on the day YDS was born that he was a mistake and we'd regret him. (No I will NEVER forgive her for saying that) Strangers used to stop us and say 'You know what causes that, don't you?' but that was pretty much it. Now we get asked if they are triplets (only if they are sitting down as younger DD is nearly a foot taller than YDS) and the boys get asked at least 2x a week if they are twins. Even at WDW, some little boy leaned out of the rails at POTC to tell the boys they looked like twins. I guess he felt very compelled to let them know that?

I've never felt compelled to ask a total stranger if they were thinking about any more children. And the only time we talk about it among friends is if they bring it up that they are TTC or thinking about it or when we are lovingly teasing our friend who has 7 children (she's super mom for real and we're just amazed by her). Why would another family think their opinion mattered on how many children another family has or doesn't have??? Unless they put it out there for discussion of course!

 

[Keke]

People never cease to amaze me in what they say. When I was over 30 and still single, I was always asked "When are you going to get married." As if it was as simple as heading to the grocery store and picking out a head of lettuce. I just responded with "When I meet someone who actually deserves me."

Now that I am happily married to Prince Charming and we have a precious 18 month old, people assume we are having more. It does get annoying. Why does everyone think they can be all up in my business anyway? When I had my daughter I was high-risk and got pre-eclampsia. My labor experience was a nightmare that I never want to re-live. Thank the Lord she was full-term when it happened. So I just tell them if we have more, they will be coming out of someone's body other than mine!

Also, while we are on the topic of inappropriate questions. I hate when people tease young girls about their boyfriends. Odds are she does not have a boyfriend and now feels stupid b/c you made her feel like she should.

 

[DisneyDebbie]

Great thread! It is a good reminder to be careful what we say.

My boys always get asked if they are twins- they were 18 months apart. We usually have to go through the spiel over and over that they aren't twins. They are very close in height and look alike. Sometimes they try to throw people off by purposely dressing alike!

Mine are 11 months apart and everyone asks if they are twins and then I say no, 11 months apart and I get the jaw agape look. Funny how times have chnaged. My dad is the youngest of 9 and most of them were 1 year apart and no one even blinked an eye.

My boys are 14 months apart, and I got that question all the time!! I got so sick of explaining that I would just say yes and walk away

Because I'm a ballet teacher, I also got the "Aren't you gonna have a girl?" as if I could just go to the store and pick one out.

 

[judypriv]

Never heard the term "Irish twins" before I had my 2 11 months apart. When people call them Irish twins I tell them that's what I get for marrying an Irishman!

 

[indimom]

We have only one child, not by choice, but I'm learning the advantages and starting to enjoy it. Here are my favorite responses to "So, are you having any more?"


1. Well, we just tried this morning, we'll see how it goes!

2. We have more, but we keep misplacing them.

3. But how will we teach our son that he is the Master of the World if he has to share his stuff?

4. Why do you ask, are you wanting to wager? I'm collecting $20 for each bet, I'll call you with the results.

5. Are you looking to unload one?

6. My magic eight-ball says it doesn't look good, and I ALWAYS do what it says to.


Or, there's always the truth...

7. We could try, but it'd likely kill me (with a big grin).


I'm sure I'm being oversensitive, but it's a sensitive topic. I completely understand that people are just trying to make conversation, but what's really tough is when they ask right in front of my son (which they almost always do). We're still not even sure what we're going to tell him about the situation, so it's tough explain it to a total stranger right in front of him. What we're leaning towards is "He is a miracle," which is the truth, and probably what we'll tell him too. I'm hoping when people hear that they'll catch our drift and let it go.

Thanks to the others out there who've said they've learned something from this thread, what a great way to look at it!

1-6 are VERY FUNNY!!!

But I really like your final choice. It gets the point across, is a polite reprimand that I think most people would catch on to. I really don't think most people who ask this question are considering situations like yours when they ask. They mean no harm, so a response like yours is a good reminder to them without direct recrimination. My sister has a miracle son also, and knows very well how this feels. She is now past the age when most people ask about more kids, but I wish we would have thought of this response all those years ago.