Update post 202 & 207. A 22yo girl calls and says to my DH, he is her father.

[grlpwrd]

Wow. I am following your thread, just haven't had time to post ... I am happy that things are going relatively smoothly.

GL to all of you!

 

[mickeysgal]

UPDATE:

She is very eager to go fast however my dh keeps explaining how we want to proceed. She says she will respect that. (I am hoping for that.)

What is she wanting to go fast about? Meeting the rest of your family?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

What is she wanting to go fast about? Meeting the rest of your family?

Yes...She is 22 and has been waiting her whole life. My DH explained that he does understand this but he just found out a few days ago.
DH says she is very open to respecting our wishes.

Obviously this would be a HUGE distraction for my children and if she is DH's dd then that is not going to change. Having a little patience while we get to know her is a very reasonable request, I think.

Once summer gets here then major school pressures will be off of my 15yodd. It is not fair to ask her to deal with that. She already has to deal with getting out her gallbladder soon & driving. That is enough, imo for her.

If I thought my dd would handle it without issue then I might think differently. But I know my dd and this would be a little over the top for her, she is easily distracted and needs to be focused right now.

 

[Caradana]

You are the absolute height of class and grace with respect to these circumstances. I have zero advice - but I had to stop in and say, if I ever find myself in a similar position - I hope I emulate you.

I wonder. If the next four months or so go well - she proves herself to be a good person and not a user - but then the paternity test comes back negative - maybe your family could still maintain some tie to her. She is clearly aching for some structure and a sense of belonging. You've done such a beautiful job with your kids.

 

[Hixski]

You are handling this remarkably well. I have always thought about this in the back of my head. Someone calling up and telling DH he is their father. We don't even have kids ourselves. That would be a big shock. We have been together 26 years so I guess my chances lessen of that happening. But it is one of those weird things you wonder about.

 

[miss missy]

Yes...She is 22 and has been waiting her whole life. My DH explained that he does understand this but he just found out a few days ago.
DH says she is very open to respecting our wishes.

Obviously this would be a HUGE distraction for my children and if she is DH's dd then that is not going to change. Having a little patience while we get to know her is a very reasonable request, I think.

Once summer gets here then major school pressures will be off of my 15yodd. It is not fair to ask her to deal with that. She already has to deal with getting out her gallbladder soon & driving. That is enough, imo for her.

If I thought my dd would handle it without issue then I might think differently. But I know my dd and this would be a little over the top for her, she is easily distracted and needs to be focused right now.

to you for being so strong on this! Knowing what your family needs right now, knowing your DD will likely be "rocked" by this and really thinking of her right now !!!! You are awesome! I know my DD would FREAK if she ever had to share her Dad,
at her age 13 she would surely take it hard. You are doing the right thing all around!! What a great Mom and wife you are!!!!!!!

 

[ilovejack02]

Gosh it all seems to be going well. She prob is anxious to meet the rest of the family, hopefully if this does turn out to be the real deal she wont feel like you all are trying to hide her from the kids because you are embarrassed by her, but just trying to keep kiddies focused on school.
Good luck on smooth sailing and that all works out so everyone is happy.
So how are you and dh feeling about being grandparents lol?

 

[ckret01]

You are truly a women of grace!!!! I have to be honest, I don't know if I would be handling this as well as you are but after reading your posts you are an inspiration. Good luck to you and your family and I look forward to seeing the rest of your journey.

 

[stinkerbelle's mom]

I just love hearing about how things are going. I can imagine that she is so excited about meeting your family because of all the problems that she's had with her mother that she's craving some type of stability. Glad to hear that her & her dbf are working towards bettering themselves for their own sake and that of their children.

 

[kellyg403]

I, too, think you are handling this so well. Doing right by your dh, your dd's and the new dd. I don't know if I would handle it so well but I will always remember you and how you were able to. A bit of inspiration when life throws those snowballs we just can't dodge!

Good luck to all of you...and about being a grandmom...I don't think there is anything that can compare to it. I love my children but my grandchildren hold a special place in my heart. Totally different than my children, totally the same kind of love. I personally think it has something to do with not having to deal with the bad stuff and only getting the good!

Kelly

 

[KadysMom]

I think that by posting this for everyone to read, you are helping people out there who want to find their parents and are scared. You are definately handling this well....

 

[The Mystery Machine]

As far as grandparents....well, we have to laugh. The thought of DH being a grandpa is hysterical. When everyone finds out he is dead meat. Also he turns 40 this month. DH and I keep making jokes between each other.

As far as handling it well...I hope I am.
Deciding to wait to tell my kids certainly is a choice we have made. I hope it goes smoothly and that it is the right thing to do.
I always ask myself first....what are the benefits of telling my children now or waiting?

There is no "benefit" to telling them now, other than "unloading" the info. I do not think it is fair to them.
My dd is taking 2 hard AP classes for the first time and is going to be taking 2 AP tests in April (I think).
I think waiting is the adult thing to do. We always weigh the pro's and con's.

Now of course everything here sounds great...I hope it continues to be smooth. If not, then we will cross that bridge when it happens.

Thanks for all of your support.

 

[MushyMushy]

I agree with waiting until everybody is in a good place.

Not the same situation at all, but similar -- when my biological family found me, it was so difficult! I didn't want to rush right into things and I asked that they wait to tell our mother, because I just wasn't ready to meet her. It just went too fast for me. It was rather difficult, and all the siblings were over 21! It would probably be more difficult for a teenager.

Thanks for sharing your story. You are handling it so well. I've always asked my DH "what if?" YOu just never know.

 

[stinkerbelle's mom]

he turns 40 this month.

Happy Birthday to your DH, I hope this turns out to be a great present for him. I'm sure it will be a memorable birthday!

Deciding to wait to tell my kids certainly is a choice we have made. I hope it goes smoothly and that it is the right thing to do.
I always ask myself first....what are the benefits of telling my children now or waiting?

There is no "benefit" to telling them now, other than "unloading" the info. I do not think it is fair to them.

As far as telling your kids go I would definitly wait until the paternity tests comes back atleast-- which I know you are all ready planning on doing.

If it does come out before you're ready too-- juding purely on what I've read on here about you & your family--- I imagine your dds will handle it very well & be very excited to welcome the newest members to the family. Judging by the way you & your dh are handling this your dds sound very well rounded!

How long is dh staying away? What does the girl call him? Has he met her kids yet? Sorry for being so nosey!

 

[Sandy V.]

Just popping in to add to what everyone else has said - you are handling this in a very graceful and classy way. Life sure throws us some curveballs at times, doesn't it?

Best wishes and please continue to keep us updated!

 

[Conkozan]

You are dealing with this wonderfully! Good for you.

A friend of mine found her birth parents and has a wonderful family in addition to the one she grew up with. She waited until her adoptive mother passed away to start looking. Her dad helped her find her bio-parents.

"J" was born to a married woman ("S") who was seperated from her husband (abuse). They had been seperated for 2 years, yet never officially divorced. "S" worked in a diner and met a wonderful man, they dated. She became pregnant. Since she was married, and unable to find the husband to divorce (and other circumstances) they decided to put the baby up for adoption. The bio father and the mother split up.

After birth, in a mothers hospital that specialized in adoptions, the mom came to see her as often as she could. She sat and rocked her, comforted her.

"J" was adopted at 11 months after the center was finally able to find the abusive husband who had to sign off on her. (in the 50's I guess the husband was the father even if he was not) "S" was also able to then get a divorce.

Years later she ran into the man who fathered "J". They fell in love again and married. Had 5 children, but always wondered and wanted their first. They contacted a lawyer but was told to let her go, it would be best for "J".

30 years later "J" tracked down her birth father. Was shocked to find that in one call, she not only found her father but her mother and FIVE full siblings. She and her dad went to meet the Bio-parents and it was almost like time had never passed. Family gatherings now include everyone, BIo and adopted. parents and all kids and grandkids.

One thing was that for 30 years her birth mom had bought a birthday present appropriate for that year for her, wrapped it and packed it away. In case they ever met. She wanted "J" to know that she was never forgotten or unwanted. To "J" this meant the world, not the gifts but all her life she felt like she was "dumped". To find out she was not, gave her a feeling of worth she never had before in her life.


You should have seen some of the vintage toys she had in perfect condition that were worth a fortune now (original Barbie, original box)! Babe perfume, Loves Baby Fresh perfume and the Lemon perfume, a modd ring, really cool stuff.

 

[Forevryoung]

And I think I have you all beat, I became a grandmother at the ripe old age of 33! BTW, my DD's nephew is 2 yrs older then her!

If things go down the path they are on, I will have you beat. I will have a grandchild before I am 33. My (step)son will be 4 years younger than I am! He already teases me by calling me "mom".


To the OP- I'm in a strange family situation and I've found that the more accepting people to something "different" the easier things go. DBF's family doesn't necessarily like our relationship but they are supportive and accepting because they want their son to be happy (and he is). My family on the other hand has made our relationship a very negative thing. We have been together 11 months and none of my family has met him (their choice). They judged the relationship before they met him and got to know him.

Give your family time to come to terms with the idea before suggesting a meeting of everyone. And it might be best to do it on "your turf" as opposed to a restaurant. Make the first meeting relatively short (with a definite end so your kids can escape if necessary). I agree with waiting, just be sure that you have your explanations why you waited ready- If I was in your daughter's shoes i would be angry that you had big news and left me in the dark for so long...

Best of luck to you- Familys can be great and they can be painful.

 

[miss missy]

You are dealing with this wonderfully! Good for you.

A friend of mine found her birth parents and has a wonderful family in addition to the one she grew up with. She waited until her adoptive mother passed away to start looking. Her dad helped her find her bio-parents.

"J" was born to a married woman ("S") who was seperated from her husband (abuse). They had been seperated for 2 years, yet never officially divorced. "S" worked in a diner and met a wonderful man, they dated. She became pregnant. Since she was married, and unable to find the husband to divorce (and other circumstances) they decided to put the baby up for adoption. The bio father and the mother split up.

After birth, in a mothers hospital that specialized in adoptions, the mom came to see her as often as she could. She sat and rocked her, comforted her.

"J" was adopted at 11 months after the center was finally able to find the abusive husband who had to sign off on her. (in the 50's I guess the husband was the father even if he was not) "S" was also able to then get a divorce.

Years later she ran into the man who fathered "J". They fell in love again and married. Had 5 children, but always wondered and wanted their first. They contacted a lawyer but was told to let her go, it would be best for "J".

30 years later "J" tracked down her birth father. Was shocked to find that in one call, she not only found her father but her mother and FIVE full siblings. She and her dad went to meet the Bio-parents and it was almost like time had never passed. Family gatherings now include everyone, BIo and adopted. parents and all kids and grandkids.

One thing was that for 30 years her birth mom had bought a birthday present appropriate for that year for her, wrapped it and packed it away. In case they ever met. She wanted "J" to know that she was never forgotten or unwanted. To "J" this meant the world, not the gifts but all her life she felt like she was "dumped". To find out she was not, gave her a feeling of worth she never had before in her life.


You should have seen some of the vintage toys she had in perfect condition that were worth a fortune now (original Barbie, original box)! Babe perfume, Loves Baby Fresh perfume and the Lemon perfume, a modd ring, really cool stuff.

What a cool story! Love the gift idea!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I agree with waiting, just be sure that you have your explanations why you waited ready- If I was in your daughter's shoes i would be angry that you had big news and left me in the dark for so long...

We do have our explanations ready and some very good reasons.
I expect my dd's to be angry or they may not, who knows. If they are, we are prepared to accept the consequences. Anger can be gotten over....crashing and burning your HS grades do to distraction can not be "gotten over".
That is one of the things I love about being in the 40's. Confidence in your decisions.
If this is my dh's dd, it won't change 4 months from now. It will breeze by as everything does and it can be handled better.

 

[barkley]

i am so glad you will await the results of the paternity test before telling your children-this will be so much better than having them go through the emotions of learning and possibly finding out later it was'nt dh's daughter.

i think your dh is right to go slowly and encourage the young woman to do so too-it will be devastating to her if it turns out he's not her dad. sadly from the way you've described her mother and the mental health issues she has, there's always a chance that he's not the father but she told her ex and dd that years ago and now despite knowing it's not true has convinced herself it is (i mean good lord-patty duke still insists in interviews that her son sean is not the son of the man that was geneticly proven to be his father).

i hope all the best works out for all concerned.