Unemployed and moving!! Advice needed!

[sk!mom]

In DS's case, the purpose playing D3 (other than loving the game itself) will serve is that it actually will be beneficial to him to play because he really wants to pursue college coaching as a career. He isn't blind to the fact that it is a tough gig, and will be going to school for PT, but he would like to at least give it a shot. As long as he has a backup plan, I'm not going to discourage it....so many people hate their jobs, so why tell a 16 year old kid, who has unlimited opportunity right now to pursue whatever he wants to, that a par is unobtainable? He'll figure out the path he needs to take eventually.....I'll let him keep his dream for a while longer.

He is not the party-boy type, meaning I am not afraid he will be stupid and get drunk and high every weekend if we are not there to monitor him, and he is serious about his training so between school and football he is booked pretty much all day, every day, and spends a lot of the weekend catching up on homework so he it often tired and not wanting to go out and party till 3am. None of that means he is anti-social or shy. He is very outgoing and charismatic - he has no trouble speaking up for himself, making phone calls, or talking to people. He spends *enough* time with friends....and you have to remember that he spends upwards of 25 hours a week with 60 other boys his age outside of school hours, so by the time he gets home, he has had enough of teenagers! He has just started driving, so he wasn't really dating yet, but he did just ask a girl out to the movies right before Christmas break. So I think he's fine socially.



DS plays to play, not to play for other people. He has always said that he would be perfectly fine to play with nobody in the stands watching because he is focused on what he is doing, not the glory. As a lineman, there really isn't a lot of glory outside of getting a sack or a big tackle at a key moment. He plays to play, because it is a part of him. He missed it desperately when he was out and worked very hard to get back. He missed his sophomore season, and came back to play the last 5 games of his Junior year. There are high expectations on his shoulders (LOL, literally and figuratively!) for his senior year. Not from DH and I, but from his coaching staff and the local/conference world.

He has said, however, if he gets injured again, he will not play. He also will not play if he doesn't get recruited with an offer of an (academic) scholarship to play at a D3 school - he would go to his #1 school then instead. He is a realist and as much as he would love to live every boys dream of playing a sport the rest of his life, he knows it's not reality. He's not even thinking about D1 or even D2 colleges (as a player, I mean. As a student, his first choice is a D1 school) - he just wants to get some college experience as a player so he can have the experience and exposure to open doors for coaching. If that doesn't work out...he goes to first choice school and becomes a physical therapist.

I was not implying that he had any social issues but just saying that if most of his time outside of school is spent at home then it may be harder than expected if the
Home vibe is drastically different- no Mom, dad, siblings but a young family with a newborn.

I'm not suggesting that a parent crush dreams but I think it's at times necessary to help a kid manage expectations. If he isn't being recruited to a strong academic D3, I would be guiding him to the first choice school you mentioned.

 

[Lilacs4Me]

With all you have going on, I'd pick a radius around dh's job, then start looking at hs academic and football programs. That way you leave the options open for your ds. Most schools around here offer the full load of APs, so he should get credit for them. As long as it is an AP, not an IB, school. Some have both, but not all. As for football, this area supports its teams, but it ain't Texas. ;-) There are certain schools that manage to go to states repeatedly, but I would think it would be tough as a senior to join the team. Parents move to those schools for their players.

As for D3 schools, many of the kids I know that went on to play sports were already visiting schools by their junior year. Even if ds stays home, wouldn't senior year be too late for schools to meet application and scholarship deadlines? I'm not familiar with the process, but I know a couple kids that went to D3, and they knew early their senior year. A D1 family, not scholarship, was being recruited by D3 the spring of her junior year by D3s. All of the kids went to showcases their junior year and earlier for exposure. Seems that was the best way to be seen, but those were different sports.

Good luck with it all. You've got a lot to research and figure out in a very short period of time.

Yes, we are familiar with the process. We've been at this for a while - when DS was about 13 it dawned on us that he could have the talent to play college ball. We are not the kind of parents that ever thought our kids were the superstars....you can't be when your kid is the clunky lineman a head taller than the rest of his friends lol He was never the kid to score the goal, or pitch the winning game or pass or catch the winning touchdown. He was on the line blocking and tackling and puffing along with the last few kids in laps. He had always done well in his position and either started or was subbed in a lot, depending on the year (one year he was a 5th grader on a 6th/7th grade team) but it wasn't until he was about in 7th/8th grade that he really started to stand out from the pack, which was also the same time he stopped playing with kids older than him (youth football team placement goes by weight, then age) and was playing with other 7th/8th graders that we realized he was progressing farther than other kids he played with and seemed to have a different perspective on the game than the more casual players. It was also about that time that DS matured enough to WANT to do this - we were never going to be the parents to scream at him to practice or do reps in the backyard over and over standing over him with a whistle. We have always supported him and been involved with his organizations, but left the decision of taking it to the next level up to him. DS has been to showcases and college camps (the one-day recruiting camps as well as the week-long technique camps) since he was in 8th grade. He was called out with the upper classmen as a freshman at a one-day camp at a D1 state U to show his technique to the recruiters and college coaches that had come out to watch. 6 weeks later in the first week of varsity practice his sophomore year, he got hurt and missed the year due to the injury. He has HUDL film from his last 5 games of his Junior year plus some really good stuff from his freshman year even though there is nothing from last year. He has a HUGE disadvantage because of the injury, we know that. One of his friends (the quarterback) that he played 7th/8th grade youth football with just verbally committed to Wisconsin, and also had offers from Iowa, Central MI, and Northwestern - he is also a Junior this year. A few others are seriously talking to state and local D3 schools already. We have had a few conversations with coaches after this season ended who liked his film, but they pretty much all ultimately said we will see how he does his senior year because of the injury (which we are taking as a nice way of saying "thanks but no thanks" - it's fine...we totally understand the deal). He will start going to the showcases and 1-day camps recruiting camps again when they start up in a few weeks. If he has a good enough senior year, he will play somewhere. If he doesn't, he won't. I'm ok with it either way and so is he.

 

[tcufrog]

I know it sounds easiest to leave your older son without you to finish school but once he goes off to college he's really never truly coming home again. It's just not the same if they come home for breaks and summer. Those last years are your last chance to truly be a part of your older son's day to day life. You'll never get that time back. You'll miss prom, athletic banquets, graduation parties, etc. and all of the other things the others have mentioned.

 

[Lilacs4Me]

I know you're focusing on your oldest child right now, but I wanted to add a few thoughts on my younger two--DD13 and DS10, who I mentioned earlier changed school before starting 7th and 4th grades, respectively.

For DS10, there really didn't seem to be any issues. He's generally a loner--gets along fine with other kids, just prefers to be on his own. This may be a function of being #4 of 4--he values quiet time. But, he has many acquaintances, a few good friends. What helped both him and DD13 was getting them into their activities--they both dance (ballet, tap, jazz, contemporary) and play strings (violin for DS10, cello for DD13), plus my son does scouting. So, DS10 has some friends from those activities, as well as school/neighborhood.

Interestingly, DD13 had the biggest transformation when we moved. As it turns out, our former city was extremely clique-y, and she was absolutely miserable. Where we live now, she find everyone much friendlier. She's a total geek, she's never going to be the most popular girl in school, but she has a nice group of close friends. Literally, she thanks me on a weekly basis for moving away from the cliques and the mean girls. She is so much happier here! Of course, this means that my heart breaks for her, having such a miserable time without me realizing it. She's doing great now, though.

BTW, I completely understand why you're focusing mostly on your oldest, I just wanted to give you some insights on how things worked for us with our younger kids. Also, because of their activities, it made us focus on school districts that offered what they needed, as much as possible.

Thank you! I know it looks like I am only focusing on DS16 here on this thread, but we have our eye on the other two as well IRL, don't worry! The other two are involved in sports, clubs, and activities as well, although not to the extend DS16 is. More like "normal" levels for a typical kid that age. They do their things for fun and exercise like they should. If they were taken out of them tomorrow, it wouldn't kill them, just as it wouldn't have for DS16 at that age. (although he was showing the intensity for it even then and we didn't pick up on it until in hindsight) But there are the same opportunities wherever we go with the younger two's interests, so I'm not worried that they will find a new normal. They don't have the same sense of urgency as DS does with this - this is literally his ONE shot for this, ever. Once it's gone or missed, it's gone forever. Life will carry on, of course, but still....

It was so nice to read about your DD and how she blossomed - we have the worst mean girls here too, and DD is sick of them!

 

[QueenIsabella]

Thank you! I know it looks like I am only focusing on DS16 here on this thread, but we have our eye on the other two as well IRL, don't worry! The other two are involved in sports, clubs, and activities as well, although not to the extend DS16 is. More like "normal" levels for a typical kid that age. They do their things for fun and exercise like they should. If they were taken out of them tomorrow, it wouldn't kill them, just as it wouldn't have for DS16 at that age. (although he was showing the intensity for it even then and we didn't pick up on it until in hindsight) But there are the same opportunities wherever we go with the younger two's interests, so I'm not worried that they will find a new normal. They don't have the same sense of urgency as DS does with this - this is literally his ONE shot for this, ever. Once it's gone or missed, it's gone forever. Life will carry on, of course, but still....

It was so nice to read about your DD and how she blossomed - we have the worst mean girls here too, and DD is sick of them!

I'm sure you were thinking of all three kids, even if you're focusing on the oldest. I didn't mean to imply otherwise at all, so I hope you didn't take it that way. I also wanted to let you know that moving can be a good thing, too--sometimes, it's easy to focus on the down side (leaving friends, going someplace unknown, new school...). One problem for us is that DD13 has serious cello talent, and her former teacher was adamant that we move somewhere that would support that. DH was actually recruited in four states--TX, PA, WA, NY--that he turned down offers from, because there weren't good strings programs within a good distance. So, I can appreciate the minefield that you're walking with your son on finding that "right" place for him, and for the family.

 

[teller80]

Out of state tuition does matter! However, and this is another topic altogether, but if DS doesn't get scholarships somewhere, he has a plan B in place for in-state tuition that is really just too complicated and off-topic to talk about in this thread. It involves establishing residency and then transferring to the school he wants to go to. It won't matter whether we live here or in DC - the school he really wants to go to isn't in either state.

Just a heads up, this is MUCH harder than you think. What state are you looking at if you don't mind saying?

 

[star72232]

I'm going to go against a lot of others and say that a move now really isn't that big a deal.

I went to 3 different high schools in 3 years. Not ideal perhaps, but hardly scarring. If you move in the next couple of months he'll have 3+ months in a new school this year and all year next year. If he was graduating this year if probably let him stay with BIL, but you are looking at 18 months.

 

[QueenIsabella]

Just a heads up, this is MUCH harder than you think. What state are you looking at if you don't mind saying?

THIS IS TRUE!!!!! When we moved, we enrolled DS19 in community college. Initially, they had us for in-state tuition, but I corrected them--we'd just moved a month or so before, I knew we didn't qualify. A year goes by, this past August, I go to help him change it to in-state tuition. Mind you, my son has Asperger's and other issues, so I was helping him through this process--thank God! It took 3 separate trips to the registrar. We had to show the date he registered to vote, tax returns in 3 states (I kid you not!), various forms of ID, a utility bill and mortgage settlement statement--it was NUTS! The people were so nice and as helpful as they could be, but they needed so much verification, it wasn't even funny. We did get through it, and it was a good experience for my son, from the perspective of seeing that I didn't get frustrated, the people were trying to help, we persevered, etc. And it did cut his tuition to ~1/3 of out of state, so definitely worth it. But, what a pain!

On a side note, depending on the college, sometimes they'll give extra scholarships to out-of-staters, if they're trying to diversify their student body. We have a friend whose son went to Rutgers, and they gave him a scholarship that made him equivalent to an in-state tuition payer. It really depends on the student, the school, the major, etc.

 

[mjkacmom]

THIS IS TRUE!!!!! When we moved, we enrolled DS19 in community college. Initially, they had us for in-state tuition, but I corrected them--we'd just moved a month or so before, I knew we didn't qualify. A year goes by, this past August, I go to help him change it to in-state tuition. Mind you, my son has Asperger's and other issues, so I was helping him through this process--thank God! It took 3 separate trips to the registrar. We had to show the date he registered to vote, tax returns in 3 states (I kid you not!), various forms of ID, a utility bill and mortgage settlement statement--it was NUTS! The people were so nice and as helpful as they could be, but they needed so much verification, it wasn't even funny. We did get through it, and it was a good experience for my son, from the perspective of seeing that I didn't get frustrated, the people were trying to help, we persevered, etc. And it did cut his tuition to ~1/3 of out of state, so definitely worth it. But, what a pain!

On a side note, depending on the college, sometimes they'll give extra scholarships to out-of-staters, if they're trying to diversify their student body. We have a friend whose son went to Rutgers, and they gave him a scholarship that made him equivalent to an in-state tuition payer. It really depends on the student, the school, the major, etc.

lol Rutgers offered dd nothing, UMASS Amherst offered her enough to get her tuition down to in state Rutgers.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Just a heads up, this is MUCH harder than you think. What state are you looking at if you don't mind saying?

Exactly. He may have to go to college where you live. Hopefully you have factored that into your equation OP and discussed this scenario with him.

 

[Kriii]

I have both stayed behind for a short period (4 months) when my hubby transferred and transferred when he did. In the case of staying behind, it was a situation where I had to stay to fulfil my employment contract. I can tell you that it is very difficult to have your family separated and transferring as a unit is preferable. I can also tell you that the senior year is really busy for parents, especially if you are guiding your child through the college selection process. I would move as a family. Your son will not like it but it will not kill him. It sounds like you have not transferred before. It can be overwhelming the first time but it really is not as bad as it sounds. Good luck with whatever your decision is.

 

[sk!mom]

I have both stayed behind for a short period (4 months) when my hubby transferred and transferred when he did. In the case of staying behind, it was a situation where I had to stay to fulfil my employment contract. I can tell you that it is very difficult to have your family separated and transferring as a unit is preferable. I can also tell you that the senior year is really busy for parents, especially if you are guiding your child through the college selection process. I would move as a family. Your son will not like it but it will not kill him. It sounds like you have not transferred before. It can be overwhelming the first time but it really is not as bad as it sounds. Good luck with whatever your decision is.

The more I think about it, the more I agree with this. Senior year and the college selection process is stressful and time consuming. The OP has the added complication of hoping to be recruited for a sport. I don't see this being managed well long distance. I would focus my research and energies on where the best high school is for your DS and move asap. Get him there in time for Spring sports and workouts.

 

[gwynne]

The more I think about it, the more I agree with this. Senior year and the college selection process is stressful and time consuming. The OP has the added complication of hoping to be recruited for a sport. I don't see this being managed well long distance. I would focus my research and energies on where the best high school is for your DS and move asap. Get him there in time for Spring sports and workouts.

We moved one of our kids 1/2 way through their junior year. The very first thing I did was figure out what HS had the classes that would cause the least disruption, and then centered my search for a house in that district. I talked to the school, worked with the realtor and while it wasn't easy, it turned out fine.
We did pay for a visit "home" during the summer after graduation to see friends.
College? I can't imagine going through the process long distance. I needed to be around as schools were considered, visited and so on. It's a big decision, and kids don't always have the full picture, particularly cost-wise.

 

[sk!mom]

We moved one of our kids 1/2 way through their junior year. The very first thing I did was figure out what HS had the classes that would cause the least disruption, and then centered my search for a house in that district. I talked to the school, worked with the realtor and while it wasn't easy, it turned out fine.
We did pay for a visit "home" during the summer after graduation to see friends.
College? I can't imagine going through the process long distance. I needed to be around as schools were considered, visited and so on. It's a big decision, and kids don't always have the full picture, particularly cost-wise.

The college process is in my recent past too with DD20. OP, I fear that you will exchange a stressful few months of everyone settling in for a stressful year and a half if he stays behind.

 

[Nancyg56]

I know that it may seem like leaving the oldest behind is an option, and it is, but I am not sure how successful this will be for any of you.

My daughter was going into her junior year in High School when I married my husband. He had a home in the next town. My DD was absolutely distraught at the thought of moving, so she stayed with my sister. Now unless it was terrible weather I was there at least once a day. She was not even 15 minutes away, and in very good hands with my sister/ She was with me every weekend, during the week whenever she wanted to come home, when she was sick. It was still a challenge. We did it because it meant a great deal to her, but it was not as smooth as one might expect. As has been pointed out, there are so many events that high school students experience that do not include their day to day school work and classes. Extracurricular activities, "crises" with friends or an afterschool job, placement tests, prom, dates, It goes and on. My daughter was not a high maintenance kid, but she was my child, so I needed to be sure I was the one parenting her as she navigated all of these paths that she was on. For me, that meant traveling back and forth from town to town. For you? I do not know how you ma that distance.

No one can tell you how best to handle this situation, but remember that no matter how self sufficient your oldest child is, he is still learning. I may be in the minority, but if I had to leave one behind I would think long and hard about choosing to leave the one in high school. When my children were teenagers I think that they needed us more than when they were younger. They were not needy but they needed our guidance.

 

[Lilacs4Me]

Thanks everyone for all of the advice - I haven't had time to answer all of them, but I have read them and appreciate it.

I think we are leaning towards DS coming with us - I can't stand the thought of him going to college much less leaving him a year early in HS.

We are headed to DC next week to look around and the kids are going with us - this is the perfect timing since they don't go back to school until Jan 9th. We will definitely look a little farther out in VA to see if we can find a decent house in a good school district in our price range.

I've started looking for jobs out there, so I will be updating my resume and hopefully will have something by the summer. I've decided not to go back for my Masters at this time, instead I will be pursuing a different field. (my degree is in HR with a psychology minor, but it's been several years since I have worked in that field)

Thanks everyone, and Happy New Year!

 

[clutter]

Good luck! Check out the Fairfax County Public Schools website for high school information. If you move into a high school that is AP you all should be good to go. Fairfax offers the full range of AP classes. However, if the school is IB only, as I believe Edison in Franconia is, there might be more difficulty transferring credits and grades. If your dh's job is in Reston or Dulles area, then you might also check out Loudoun County. They also offer most AP classes. Prince William might still be a bit of a haul for a commute, from the western part. You don't want to go to southern Prince William and commute to Reston or Dulles, it will be long and full of traffic!

 

[Kriii]

I logged in specifically to check this thread, and I wish the OP the best of luck in the move. I wanted to add a word of encouragement. Transfers can be unsettling, but in the end they can help a young adult become more confident about moving to new places and embracing new experiences. This has been the experience of my family anyways. My child has lived in four states, which helped increase confidence in tackling new situations, including moving out of state for college. It boosted confidence in travelling alone both nationally and also to Europe. The best friendships from each location have been maintained, and travel back to see old friends happens on an annual basis. Life is going to change for your kids anyways, whether they stay in one place or move. I think you made a wise choice. Again, the very best of luck to all.

 

[lovemygoofy]

I actually lived in the Springfield Franconia area (LOVED it) but did drive to Reston fairly often (HATED it) and it is a miserable drive. Doesn't matter if it is at 2pm or 2am it just sucks.
I really urge your husband to drive from Franconia up to Reston at 7am and back again at 5pm. Take a snack, cup of coffee and depending on if it's winter or a Friday holiday sometimes a depends
because traffic will be awful but that is to be said about all over the area if you are doing a long commute. We lived 9.3 miles to the Pentagon and my fat behind could ran faster than the commute in a car sometimes.