Unemployed and moving!! Advice needed!

[sonnyjane]

I know SOOOOOOO many military families that stay behind so that their kids can finish school. It's not ideal for you, but it really isn't all that unheard of in my social circle. That would be my recommendation on that front, even if it means just living in an apartment for a year.

As far as the psychology masters degree, I hate to be cynical but I agree with the others that commented that it's a realllllllly big investment on your part for probably very little return. A few of my friends graduated with psych degrees and never went on to use them. The closest was one that had a BS in psych and went on to do a masters in social work. She worked for a few years as a child advocate but is now a SAHM.

 

[jt'smom]

Having moved our son to a different state at the beginning of his 10th grade year, and lived through the hellishness of it, I would say let your son stay and finish at his current school, if there is anyway on earth he can. Not even just because of the football thing. Moving your kid as they are going into their Senior year is a recipe for disaster, no matter how adaptable they are. I wouldn't take the chance of jagging up his education, right at college application time. I think this is one of those times, you have to put his needs before yours, especially given the fact that you have a great situation for him to stay in.

 

[smokeyblue]

Sounds like the concensus here is that the disposition of your son is the most pressing issue. I would allow him to stay behind. It would be difficult socially to move. I also think that it will make him better prepared for college because he some of the maturation process will happen now, but with the supervision of trusted adults.

As a sidebar. Has your son ever considered being a PT assistant? Less schooling, far, far less expense, can establish a career much more quickly. My former coworkers wife is a PTA and she makes such good money, he became a stay at home dad and she only works 3 days a week while he picks up small construction jobs on the side.

 

[Lilacs4Me]

Your BIL and his fiance will have their hands full with their kids and the new baby. Will they have time and emotional bandwidth to also parent your son? He's still young enough to need some hands on parenting.

He will be nearly 17 by the time we move a few months before ending his junior year. He's driving now. He goes to school, takes all AP and honors classes (only mentioned because these classes mean more homework and study time), goes to football practice or games/weight training/etc until about 6pm every night, or later on game day, comes home, takes a shower, eats, does his homework, and goes to bed. He rarely goes out with friends....he doesn't have time, or the energy if he does have time. He's serious about his training so he works hard and often at it. He's proven he is trustworthy and not the outgoing party-boy type anyway. We will leave him a car. Money will be in his lunch acct at school. He will have money for incidentals and we talked about a rent payment reduction for our house that would cover DS's food, utilities, and other expenses.

The fiance cooks every night for her two boys who are in 8th and 6th grade, so it's not like she's not used to boys! And they are just as big of a football family as we are and understand the "culture" of it - BIL is an assistant coach for a HS sophomore team, and both of her boys play...that's actually how they met - he was coaching her older sons youth team a couple years ago. They are nice kids....my son gets along with both of them really well.

If we didn't have them as an option, we wouldn't even think about it. I think i'm the only one having trouble thinking about him not living with me. He is all for staying!

 

[Lilacs4Me]

Sounds like the concensus here is that the disposition of your son is the most pressing issue. I would allow him to stay behind. It would be difficult socially to move. I also think that it will make him better prepared for college because he some of the maturation process will happen now, but with the supervision of trusted adults.

As a sidebar. Has your son ever considered being a PT assistant? Less schooling, far, far less expense, can establish a career much more quickly. My former coworkers wife is a PTA and she makes such good money, he became a stay at home dad and she only works 3 days a week while he picks up small construction jobs on the side.

I think he would definitely consider it, especially to start...just to make sure he really wants to put that much time and effort into making it a lifelong career.

 

[Southernmiss]

He will be nearly 17 by the time we move a few months before ending his junior year. He's driving now. He goes to school, takes all AP and honors classes (only mentioned because these classes mean more homework and study time), goes to football practice or games/weight training/etc until about 6pm every night, or later on game day, comes home, takes a shower, eats, does his homework, and goes to bed. He rarely goes out with friends....he doesn't have time, or the energy if he does have time. He's serious about his training so he works hard and often at it. He's proven he is trustworthy and not the outgoing party-boy type anyway. We will leave him a car. Money will be in his lunch acct at school. He will have money for incidentals and we talked about a rent payment reduction for our house that would cover DS's food, utilities, and other expenses.

The fiance cooks every night for her two boys who are in 8th and 6th grade, so it's not like she's not used to boys! And they are just as big of a football family as we are and understand the "culture" of it - BIL is an assistant coach for a HS sophomore team, and both of her boys play...that's actually how they met - he was coaching her older sons youth team a couple years ago. They are nice kids....my son gets along with both of them really well.

If we didn't have them as an option, we wouldn't even think about it. I think i'm the only one having trouble thinking about him not living with me. He is all for staying!

Sounds like a good support system for your DS. However, I would be in the camp of not moving and staying put with DS until after he graduates. Senior year brings so many things into the equation.

I've had 3 well adjusted, very active good students and they still need you in senior year. Youngest DS is in the middle of senior year now. I couldn't imagine not being here for the daily things that come up...senior night with band and his sport, ordering graduation invitations and cap and gown, making college decisions and applications, homecoming, prom, not to mention if he got sick or in a car wreck. And just the spontaneous day to day interactions that happen.

I'd send DH on and follow later.

 

[dollarmite]

I'd send DH on and follow later.

Yes.

DS needs you way more than DH does. If BIL wasn't in the picture as a back up, it wouldn't even occur to me to uproot DS at this stage. The only option on the table (in the absence of BIL) would be for DH to leave when he needs to, and the rest of us to follow after DS finishes school.

 

[Lilacs4Me]

Sounds like a good support system for your DS. However, I would be in the camp of not moving and staying put with DS until after he graduates. Senior year brings so many things into the equation.

I've had 3 well adjusted, very active good students and they still need you in senior year. Youngest DS is in the middle of senior year now. I couldn't imagine not being here for the daily things that come up...senior night with band and his sport, ordering graduation invitations and cap and gown, making college decisions and applications, homecoming, prom, not to mention if he got sick or in a car wreck. And just the spontaneous day to day interactions that happen.

I'd send DH on and follow later.

Ugh....now I'm feeling so guilty!

We can't afford living in two places, even with both of us working. Both here and DC have a very high cost of living. If one of the places was "cheaper" we might be able to swing it. We've worked out the's and it makes more sense to go, it's just that DS wants to stay. We can swing DS staying here because of BIL taking on the house. Even an apartment here in our area runs around $1500/mo. And we'd have double utilities, ins, etc. And we have already decided that we were moving as a family and I quit my job, so that part is a done deal. Now we have to decide whether DS can stay, or go with us.

 

[mom2rtk]

There is no way I would disrupt my child heading into their senior year of school. And honestly, there's no way I would leave him behind. I would start with having him and one parent stay put for senior year as non-negotiables. Everything else could be on the table though. If it could be worked out with those things in place, fine. If not, then DH would probably be passing on the promotion.

 

[dollarmite]

There is no way I would disrupt my child heading into their senior year of school. And honestly, there's no way I would leave him behind. I would start with having him and one parent stay put for senior year as non-negotiables. Everything else could be on the table though. If it could be worked out with those things in place, fine. If not, then DH would probably be passing on the promotion.

This, although I would be willing to leave him with BIL if that situation was tenable.

 

[sonnyjane]

Ugh....now I'm feeling so guilty!

We can't afford living in two places, even with both of us working. Both here and DC have a very high cost of living. If one of the places was "cheaper" we might be able to swing it. We've worked out the's and it makes more sense to go, it's just that DS wants to stay. We can swing DS staying here because of BIL taking on the house. Even an apartment here in our area runs around $1500/mo. And we'd have double utilities, ins, etc. And we have already decided that we were moving as a family and I quit my job, so that part is a done deal. Now we have to decide whether DS can stay, or go with us.

To be fair, today was your last day. If you have a good relationship with your boss you may want to put your tail between your legs and see if you can get your job back for another year. I think the excitement of quitting possibly clouded your judgement. Or, if you hated that job, just try to find something temporary for the next year.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Besides all the things that Southernmiss mentioned, there is also a lot involved in the recruitment process, too. Much of it he will do on his own, but he will still need support and guidance with the process and with letters, calls, visits, etc. It adds a whole other dimension to the college search process.

My DD dated a boy last year whose family allowed him to stay behind when they moved in order to let him finish high school. He talked to me a lot about it. I think it was hard on him. His car had broken down, and they couldn't afford to get him another at that time. He had to crash at our house, we fed him several meals, and we wound up driving him home, etc. Honestly, he seemed a little lost, and I felt bad for him.

I agree with mom2rtk, I wouldn't do it, myself. I'd stick around until at least he was done. If that was impossible, I'd take him with me. But I would make every effort I could to stay and let him have the normalcy he's used to in his last year of high school. As I said before, I think there are other benefits to waiting, too.

 

[Kellydelly]

My mom moved us in the middle of my junior year. It sucked. I would not do that to your son if you have the ability to leave him behind and let him finish school with his friends.

 

[QueenIsabella]

We had a neighbor who left a child behind wile the family moved, but it was only for a semester. The poor girl seemed very lost, and dependent on the kindness of others to get her through.

Our family found out in late 2012 that DH would need to move (plant closing). Even with a long lead time, it was really tough. We promised DS(now)19 that he would graduate from his original HS (in 2015). It was very difficult for us, but we managed it--DH worked at his original plant until 1/15, then was transferred to another plant where he could commute home on weekends. He had originally had a great job offer, 1000 miles away, in Oct. 2014, that he very politely declined, because we felt the time frame was too long for DH being away. I hoped the company would call back in a few months--DH was very clear that he was turning them down only because of timing. Lo and behold, another job offer came through in March, and he took it. DS graduated in June, 2015, and we moved in July.

A few thoughts/clarifications on why we went the way we did:

First off, our son has Asperger's, is very introverted, and has a few learning disabilities. We briefly considered leaving him behind, but felt it would be too damaging. YMMD, but for our child, it just wasn't the right choice.

When DH was weekend commuting, he rented a room from a co-worker (I think he paid $50/week). That got him a bedroom and bathroom, 3 nights a week, plus the occasional meal. Due to the high cost of living, moving the family to this location wasn't going to happen.

Our younger children handled the move fine (they were starting 7th and 4th grades at the time). I wanted to move before the 7th grader had to choose her HS track, if that makes sense. We moved to a destination with multiple choices for HS kids. DS19 is living at home, and will for the foreseeable future. He's commuting to the local community college, studying at his pace. It's working for him. We also have a DD21--I'm sure she would tell you that she feels like a visitor in our home these days. Her heart isn't in the new state, which is okay. She graduated college this spring, and has zero interest in moving back home permanently.

Is there a chance of you AND your son staying with BIL? It might be a bit cramped, but I'm thinking you could be there with your son, and maybe all work together on household stuff, pitch in with the baby, and so forth.

I just keep thinking back to my neighbor's kid, and how the girl really felt like she was "ditched" by her family. I understand that circumstances are what they are--in that particular case, the family moved a lot for the dad's career, and I got the feeling he didn't give the slightest thought to how it affected his 5 kids. I'm sure that a sensitive, in-tune parent can make it work, I've just seen it not work so well.

 

[Lilacs4Me]

We had a neighbor who left a child behind wile the family moved, but it was only for a semester. The poor girl seemed very lost, and dependent on the kindness of others to get her through.

Our family found out in late 2012 that DH would need to move (plant closing). Even with a long lead time, it was really tough. We promised DS(now)19 that he would graduate from his original HS (in 2015). It was very difficult for us, but we managed it--DH worked at his original plant until 1/15, then was transferred to another plant where he could commute home on weekends. He had originally had a great job offer, 1000 miles away, in Oct. 2014, that he very politely declined, because we felt the time frame was too long for DH being away. I hoped the company would call back in a few months--DH was very clear that he was turning them down only because of timing. Lo and behold, another job offer came through in March, and he took it. DS graduated in June, 2015, and we moved in July.

A few thoughts/clarifications on why we went the way we did:

First off, our son has Asperger's, is very introverted, and has a few learning disabilities. We briefly considered leaving him behind, but felt it would be too damaging. YMMD, but for our child, it just wasn't the right choice.

When DH was weekend commuting, he rented a room from a co-worker (I think he paid $50/week). That got him a bedroom and bathroom, 3 nights a week, plus the occasional meal. Due to the high cost of living, moving the family to this location wasn't going to happen.

Our younger children handled the move fine (they were starting 7th and 4th grades at the time). I wanted to move before the 7th grader had to choose her HS track, if that makes sense. We moved to a destination with multiple choices for HS kids. DS19 is living at home, and will for the foreseeable future. He's commuting to the local community college, studying at his pace. It's working for him. We also have a DD21--I'm sure she would tell you that she feels like a visitor in our home these days. Her heart isn't in the new state, which is okay. She graduated college this spring, and has zero interest in moving back home permanently.

Is there a chance of you AND your son staying with BIL? It might be a bit cramped, but I'm thinking you could be there with your son, and maybe all work together on household stuff, pitch in with the baby, and so forth.

I just keep thinking back to my neighbor's kid, and how the girl really felt like she was "ditched" by her family. I understand that circumstances are what they are--in that particular case, the family moved a lot for the dad's career, and I got the feeling he didn't give the slightest thought to how it affected his 5 kids. I'm sure that a sensitive, in-tune parent can make it work, I've just seen it not work so well.

Your situation sounds souch like mine thanks for sharing it.

I think I made it sound like DH taking this promotion was a choice, and of course everything is ultimately a choice when it really comes down to it, but in reality, it's not. He makes the majority of the money for the family, and if he had to start somewhere else, it would be taking a step back. His area of expertise, which he kind of fell into several years ago by chance, only offers very rare opportunities. Very few companies offer the financial service he specializes in, and he and his boss report directly to the CFO of their company. There isn't a comparable job in his company for him to take if he doesn't take this one, and the job isn't staying in this state because the logistics won't work. They've been transitioning for a while now, and its time to make it permanent.

In comparison, my job is a dime a dozen, which is why it was better for me to leave and go with him. I can find something out there, and like I said...if anything, I can work at a store level with merchandising or store planning with any big box store, not that I particularly want to, but it's possible.

And we also have 2 more kids to think about, so I can't just leave them, either. Like I said, getting an apartment here big enough for me and the kids will run at least $1500, and that's for a 2 bedroom, so I'd be on the couch. And DH would still need something out there. He's been in an extended stay when he is out there, for the past 6 months, and they are willing to help with that for a while longer, but not forever. We've held out for 6 months already, and we talked and talked and talked and finally decided last month that since it won't be possible to keep going like this for another almost 2 years, we need to make the move now and get everyone settled. I wish we would have just done it before DS's junior year started, but it wouldn't have mattered sports-wise....by the time we knew this would be permanent, the season had already started.

I am glad to hear that your younger two did fine...I haven't even focused on my worries for my two here yet!!

 

[mjkacmom]

Becoming a PT is a serious medical track. Has he looked into it?

Basically you get your Bachelor Degree and then essentially 3 yrs of med school or the new DPT degree. Very, very competitive to get into.

We moved my dd's senior yr (TX to MO). It was a PITA. She "lost" her PE waivers and had to take PE and Missouri history classes her senior yr. (required to graduate in MO)

She only did 1 semester which allowed her to graduate early however she knew no one and did not have a "senior year".





Physical Therapist Degree
Professional (entry-level) physical therapist education programs in the United States only offer the Doctor of Physical Therapy (DPT) degree to all new students who enroll. The Master of Physical Therapy (MPT) and Master of Science in Physical Therapy (MSPT) degrees are no longer offered to any new students in the United States. To practice as a physical therapist in the US, you must earn a physical therapist degree from a CAPTE- accredited physical therapist education program and pass a state licensure exam.

This is the track dd15 wants to take. It's so competitive, she knows her 4.0+ goals won't be getting her any scholarships, and the top programs are all out of state for us. She is taking a health science class this year where she gets college credit, and has to shadow a PT for 20 hours. Fortunately she spends a lot of time getting PT thanks to dance!

The DC area is expensive, and traffic is bad, so you need to research commuting time.

 

[clutter]

If your husband has to be out by Dulles a couple times a week for work, I'd seriously rethink Franconia - that would be the commute from @#$*&. It's probably 45 minutes w/o traffic - like at 2am lol. If it were me, I'd look in central/northern Fairfax County, Loudon County, or Prince William. Those are along the I-66 and/or route 28 corridor. Prices go down as you go further away from DC/Beltway. Realize you're still talking traffic even there, so be careful he ends ups with a commute you all are comfortable with. Schools good but crowded in Fairfax + Loudon, good in Prince William with a few exceptions (my son went thru school there and is in college doing fine in a STEM field). Housing prices are approx $400-600k+ for SF, a little less for TH - unless you go out further and go with longer commute.

If he's looking at going to college at a state U, it would appear on the surface that he'd be considered in-state for VA schools even if he graduated from HS in MI but worth checking. Also might want to understand residency requirements for in-state MI schools. VA has a lot of good colleges but they're competitive, especially if you're coming out of the NoVa area which is considered very good prep academically.

I'm totally with PlutoPony. I don't think Franconia would work for you. It would be a brutal commute. (Here's the kicker - if your son does make the move, then you want to make sure he is in the right high school. Primarily, you want him in one that has AP v IB. The one right around Franconia is IB.) You would also want one that has the right football program. Some schools are way more competitive than others. The good news is that your dh doesn't have to commute to DC. Dulles/Reston is much easier from more places. But... you probably want to pick where you rent based on schools, since you may not want the younger kids to move schools again.

If you do decide to do the masters thing (there seems to be a never ending need for counselors and ADD coaches and such), you may want to check out local universities so you can be somewhat close to them. But I believe George Mason has a decent program and is pretty close by. (Although you want to wait until you make in-state tuition!)

You're looking at a really tight timeline. Honestly, you need to get out here and look around. Are you planning a trip?

Feel free to PM me if you want any more info!

 

[mjkacmom]

My good friend's husband lost his very specialized job when his large company closed. He finally got a great job 4 hours away. They had 3 kids, the oldest was a junior. He got a one bedroom apartment there, and they sold their home, bought a home, and moved when the oldest graduated. The younger 2 started their new schools in 7th and 10th grades, an easier transition.

COL was pretty equal (NYC suburb to a Boston suburb, $500,000 for a modest home with a 45 minute commute). That's probably the same as a DC suburb.

 

[Darcy03231]

I would let your son stay behind to finish school.

As far as the psychology degree goes, DD#2 has her degree in psychology. She's three years out of school and has a great job. She's going back to school in the fall to get her Master's in mental health counseling. Where we live mental health counselors are in demand and she wouldn't have a problem getting a job, although she'll probably end up staying where she's at.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

He will be nearly 17 by the time we move a few months before ending his junior year. He's driving now. He goes to school, takes all AP and honors classes (only mentioned because these classes mean more homework and study time), goes to football practice or games/weight training/etc until about 6pm every night, or later on game day, comes home, takes a shower, eats, does his homework, and goes to bed. He rarely goes out with friends....he doesn't have time, or the energy if he does have time. He's serious about his training so he works hard and often at it. He's proven he is trustworthy and not the outgoing party-boy type anyway. We will leave him a car. Money will be in his lunch acct at school. He will have money for incidentals and we talked about a rent payment reduction for our house that would cover DS's food, utilities, and other expenses.

The fiance cooks every night for her two boys who are in 8th and 6th grade, so it's not like she's not used to boys! And they are just as big of a football family as we are and understand the "culture" of it - BIL is an assistant coach for a HS sophomore team, and both of her boys play...that's actually how they met - he was coaching her older sons youth team a couple years ago. They are nice kids....my son gets along with both of them really well.

If we didn't have them as an option, we wouldn't even think about it. I think i'm the only one having trouble thinking about him not living with me. He is all for staying!

OMG, that is sounds like a match made in heaven. Why don't you do a test run of him spending the week there? Just a thought.

Once you find a house and then look at what is available to him for school he might change his mind. He might have better opportunities? You never know. So before finalizing the "YES" with your family, get your house first.

I will say that when we moved back to MO we had to find a school district that would even accept her AP credits. In Texas they had every AP class available to take. In MO, most schools did not even have HALF of what she took, so basically her AP class would have been for nothing. We moved into a district that took all her AP, however they denied the PE waiver (in TX she was in marching band, so they allowed it to be counted as PE, and gave out waivers). My dd had to take 1 credit of PE and the required MO History class.

Sounds like "out of state tuition" is not on your concern list. It was for us. Something to think about as well.