Unemployed and moving!! Advice needed!

[bdcp]

If your DH is going to be working in Reston, you do not want to live in Franconia. You can live closer to Reston such as Herndon, Sterling, Ashburn and avoid the beltway and I-66. We live in Ashburn and DH and I both grew up in the DC metro area. There are lots of sports opportunities out here in Loudoun and Fairfax (Reston and Herdon areas).

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

Is it possible for you to stay behind with your son until he finishes high school? Is your dh's new job flexible where they would let him come home on weekends or telecommute for a little while? A friend of mine was in a similar situation where her dh got a new job offer and moved halfway across the country to take the job, while she remained behind with the kids so they could finish out the school year and get the house ready to sell. Good luck to you!

This is what I was thinking.

It was only for a few months when we moved, but my husband moved first and rented a small place. We followed later. Same with a number of people that work for the same company. In fact, it seems pretty common. It allows time to sell the house, for the kids to finish out the year (or more) and for everyone to decide if they really want to change jobs/move.

 

[wvjules]

Ugh....now I'm feeling so guilty!

We can't afford living in two places, even with both of us working. Both here and DC have a very high cost of living. If one of the places was "cheaper" we might be able to swing it. We've worked out the's and it makes more sense to go, it's just that DS wants to stay. We can swing DS staying here because of BIL taking on the house. Even an apartment here in our area runs around $1500/mo. And we'd have double utilities, ins, etc. And we have already decided that we were moving as a family and I quit my job, so that part is a done deal. Now we have to decide whether DS can stay, or go with us.

But you are not moving as a family if you leave your oldest DS behind to finish his senior year, right?

I would find any way possible for at least you to stay behind with him. I would not uproot him nor would I leave him during his senior year. DH takes the other kids and you and DS move in with BIL for the year.

 

[sk!mom]

Tough decision. I would be very reluctant to leave a kid behind for a year and a half. If you took that option and considering that you would be in a new job, how often would you be able to visit? How would you manage college visits and all of those decisions long distance? It was an overwhelming time.

Honestly for a kid who has already had a serious injury, I would be discouraging a D3 college football path. What is the purpose of pursuing D3 sports? There are no scholarships, no where to go after, and he risks injuries with lifelong effects. If he's interested in a rigorous course of study, I would be encouraging him to leave sports behind after high school for academics and his future.

You also mention that he isn't terribly social. If most of his time outside of school and sports is at home with you all then I think being without family would be harder than you imagine.

Given all that, I would be looking for the best high school and moving him. Put your efforts to finding a school where his credits would transfer as easily as possible with the hopeful bonus of a school where he could play football.

I completely understand it being impossible for one parent to stay behind. With college costs looming, I don't think that we would choose to maintain two households.

As far as your school/job decision, I would find a job, get everyone else settled, and decide later whether to make a change.

My sister worked in Reston years ago and lived in Sterling.

Good luck and be sure to come back and let us know how it went.

 

[mjkacmom]

But you are not moving as a family if you leave your oldest DS behind to finish his senior year, right?

I would find any way possible for at least you to stay behind with him. I would not uproot him nor would I leave him during his senior year. DH takes the other kids and you and DS move in with BIL for the year.

I'd never send my younger kids to stay with DH and stay behind with my oldest at someone else's house. I would not be absent as a mom for more than a year! Having dad go ahead is much more common - my dad it, I know of several families that had this arrangement.

 

[PlutoPony]

I'm kinda with the others on leaving your oldest son during his senior year of HS. It would be a little daunting to go through the college selection process with him long distance. The hours talking about what's important to him, visiting schools and getting his feedback would be difficult to do with you 8-10 hours away. Could you and the 3 kids stay until he graduates from college and your husband get an efficiency apartment in VA,close to work? Would his company understand the timing of how this plays out for your family and maybe cough up a little more $, maybe a corporate discount on an apartment of long term stay place?

Also, imho this is not a good time to buy in the area....I'd seriously be looking to rent for the next 12-18 months. Not to veer into politics, but there's a fair amount of talk about whether there will be significant cuts in government and thus government employment. It's not just the new administration, Republicans in Congress have been clambering for significant reductions in the government workforce for years. If that were to play out, housing in the DC metro area would be hit hard, and it's not difficult to see a scenario where a lot of people are under water. So let your husband get the lay of the land here for a while and by the time your son graduates you should have a much better idea of what to do from a housing perspective.

Best of luck to you!

 

[wvjules]

I'd never send my younger kids to stay with DH and stay behind with my oldest at someone else's house. I would not be absent as a mom for more than a year! Having dad go ahead is much more common - my dad it, I know of several families that had this arrangement.

Wouldn't you be an absent mom for the older DS though?

 

[sonnyjane]

Tough decision. I would be very reluctant to leave a kid behind for a year and a half. If you took that option and considering that you would be in a new job, how often would you be able to visit? How would you manage college visits and all of those decisions long distance? It was an overwhelming time.

Honestly for a kid who has already had a serious injury, I would be discouraging a D3 college football path. What is the purpose of pursuing D3 sports? There are no scholarships, no where to go after, and he risks injuries with lifelong effects. If he's interested in a rigorous course of study, I would be encouraging him to leave sports behind after high school for academics and his future.

You also mention that he isn't terribly social. If most of his time outside of school and sports is at home with you all then I think being without family would be harder than you imagine.

Given all that, I would be looking for the best high school and moving him. Put your efforts to finding a school where his credits would transfer as easily as possible with the hopeful bonus of a school where he could play football.

I completely understand it being impossible for one parent to stay behind. With college costs looming, I don't think that we would choose to maintain two households.

As far as your school/job decision, I would find a job, get everyone else settled, and decide later whether to make a change.

My sister worked in Reston years ago and lived in Sterling.

Good luck and be sure to come back and let us know how it went.

To address the D3 part - even though they don't give athletic scholarships, they can work magic about how much academic aid you get if you're an athlete....

 

[Lilacs4Me]

OMG, that is sounds like a match made in heaven. Why don't you do a test run of him spending the week there? Just a thought.

Once you find a house and then look at what is available to him for school he might change his mind. He might have better opportunities? You never know. So before finalizing the "YES" with your family, get your house first.

I will say that when we moved back to MO we had to find a school district that would even accept her AP credits. In Texas they had every AP class available to take. In MO, most schools did not even have HALF of what she took, so basically her AP class would have been for nothing. We moved into a district that took all her AP, however they denied the PE waiver (in TX she was in marching band, so they allowed it to be counted as PE, and gave out waivers). My dd had to take 1 credit of PE and the required MO History class.

Sounds like "out of state tuition" is not on your concern list. It was for us. Something to think about as well.

Out of state tuition does matter! However, and this is another topic altogether, but if DS doesn't get scholarships somewhere, he has a plan B in place for in-state tuition that is really just too complicated and off-topic to talk about in this thread. It involves establishing residency and then transferring to the school he wants to go to. It won't matter whether we live here or in DC - the school he really wants to go to isn't in either state. We've reviewed the residency requirements and understand what needs to be done. But again, a completely different topic that has been in the works well before this move/job ever came up and there is no reason to have to change anything about that part of it now - he will still be able to follow the same plan no matter what.

But you are not moving as a family if you leave your oldest DS behind to finish his senior year, right?

I would find any way possible for at least you to stay behind with him. I would not uproot him nor would I leave him during his senior year. DH takes the other kids and you and DS move in with BIL for the year.

Well, at the time of the decision, DS16 was going with us as a whole family unit. HE brought up the idea of staying behind. We are exploring it. I've gotten a LOT of good things to think about here from everyone.

It's not an option to send a 12 year old girl and a 10 year old boy to a brand new state/school/house with their dad...letting a 17 year old stay in his home in his same school, with the same friends and social/academic support system with relatives seems much more reasonable to me?

 

[mjkacmom]

Wouldn't you be an absent mom for the older DS though?

I think I would stay back with the kids, or have my oldest move, before sending my younger kids ahead to a new area with DH. However, if I had to leave any of my kids, it would have to be the oldest, who would be leaving the nest anyway in another year.

I'm a SAHM, I am 100% in charge of the kids and the house. Appointments, schedules, health, school, food, cleaning, bills... However, all working moms I know are definitely more in the trenches when it comes to the kids. Having younger kids start at a new school without me there would be a disaster.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Honestly for a kid who has already had a serious injury, I would be discouraging a D3 college football path. What is the purpose of pursuing D3 sports? There are no scholarships, no where to go after, and he risks injuries with lifelong effects. If he's interested in a rigorous course of study, I would be encouraging him to leave sports behind after high school for academics and his future.

Right now I don't have time to say more, but this is a misconception.

 

[debster812]

Honestly for a kid who has already had a serious injury, I would be discouraging a D3 college football path. What is the purpose of pursuing D3 sports? There are no scholarships, no where to go after, and he risks injuries with lifelong effects. If he's interested in a rigorous course of study, I would be encouraging him to leave sports behind after high school for academics and his future.

To address the D3 part - even though they don't give athletic scholarships, they can work magic about how much academic aid you get if you're an athlete....

DS is a D3 athlete, and for him, it's truly love of the game (soccer not football). He started college at a VERY large, flagship university that is D1 for sports. He was not able to play at this school. It absolutely affected him. It's something he's done since he was 8, and he desperately missed it. He also thought he wanted the big, anonymous, university experience. Coming from a graduating class that was smaller than some of his lectures, it was a tough transition.

He has since transferred to a much smaller state school, tried out for and made the soccer team, and had a MUCH better experience, socially, academically, and every facet.

His coach actually just texted him to tell him that if his 2nd semester GPA is the same as the first, he would probably be able to get him some more academic money, so keep up the good work!

 

[PlutoPony]

OP can you stay at least until this school year is over? Let your husband go ahead for 3-4 months and get the lay of the land? You can get started on college search with your oldest, do college visits during his spring break and get a short list of schools that fit.

Oh - and we don't deal well with snow here. An inch shuts down the city - honest. Yes I know you are well versed in driving in snow but so many others aren't (or have forgotten how). And with the sheer volume of traffic we have here, just a little problem turns into a nightmare quickly. Trust me on this

 

[sk!mom]

To address the D3 part - even though they don't give athletic scholarships, they can work magic about how much academic aid you get if you're an athlete....

I realize that but if he's already had an injury that kept him out for so long and he's interested in a rigorous course of study, I'd focus on the best school for his future career rather than a D3 school to continue football. College level sports are hugely time consuming. I personally know several young people who realized that since they had no future in sports it was time to give it up and focus on academics.

Out of state tuition does matter! However, and this is another topic altogether, but if DS doesn't get scholarships somewhere, he has a plan B in place for in-state tuition that is really just too complicated and off-topic to talk about in this thread. It involves establishing residency and then transferring to the school he wants to go to. It won't matter whether we live here or in DC - the school he really wants to go to isn't in either state. We've reviewed the residency requirements and understand what needs to be done. But again, a completely different topic that has been in the works well before this move/job ever came up and there is no reason to have to change anything about that part of it now - he will still be able to follow the same plan no matter what.

If he already has a first choice school, then I would make decisions based on making that school a reality.

 

[Lilacs4Me]

sorry...duplicate post

 

[Lilacs4Me]

Tough decision. I would be very reluctant to leave a kid behind for a year and a half. If you took that option and considering that you would be in a new job, how often would you be able to visit? How would you manage college visits and all of those decisions long distance? It was an overwhelming time.

Honestly for a kid who has already had a serious injury, I would be discouraging a D3 college football path. What is the purpose of pursuing D3 sports? There are no scholarships, no where to go after, and he risks injuries with lifelong effects. If he's interested in a rigorous course of study, I would be encouraging him to leave sports behind after high school for academics and his future.

You also mention that he isn't terribly social. If most of his time outside of school and sports is at home with you all then I think being without family would be harder than you imagine.

Given all that, I would be looking for the best high school and moving him. Put your efforts to finding a school where his credits would transfer as easily as possible with the hopeful bonus of a school where he could play football.

I completely understand it being impossible for one parent to stay behind. With college costs looming, I don't think that we would choose to maintain two households.

As far as your school/job decision, I would find a job, get everyone else settled, and decide later whether to make a change.

My sister worked in Reston years ago and lived in Sterling.

Good luck and be sure to come back and let us know how it went.

In DS's case, the purpose playing D3 (other than loving the game itself) will serve is that it actually will be beneficial to him to play because he really wants to pursue college coaching as a career. He isn't blind to the fact that it is a tough gig, and will be going to school for PT, but he would like to at least give it a shot. As long as he has a backup plan, I'm not going to discourage it....so many people hate their jobs, so why tell a 16 year old kid, who has unlimited opportunity right now to pursue whatever he wants to, that a par is unobtainable? He'll figure out the path he needs to take eventually.....I'll let him keep his dream for a while longer.

He is not the party-boy type, meaning I am not afraid he will be stupid and get drunk and high every weekend if we are not there to monitor him, and he is serious about his training so between school and football he is booked pretty much all day, every day, and spends a lot of the weekend catching up on homework so he it often tired and not wanting to go out and party till 3am. None of that means he is anti-social or shy. He is very outgoing and charismatic - he has no trouble speaking up for himself, making phone calls, or talking to people. He spends *enough* time with friends....and you have to remember that he spends upwards of 25 hours a week with 60 other boys his age outside of school hours, so by the time he gets home, he has had enough of teenagers! He has just started driving, so he wasn't really dating yet, but he did just ask a girl out to the movies right before Christmas break. So I think he's fine socially.

I realize that but if he's already had an injury that kept him out for so long and he's interested in a rigorous course of study, I'd focus on the best school for his future career rather than a D3 school to continue football. College level sports a hugely time consuming. I personally know several young people who realized that since they had no future in sports it was time to give it up and focus on academics.



If he already has a first choice school, then I would make decisions based on making that school a reality.

DS plays to play, not to play for other people. He has always said that he would be perfectly fine to play with nobody in the stands watching because he is focused on what he is doing, not the glory. As a lineman, there really isn't a lot of glory outside of getting a sack or a big tackle at a key moment. He plays to play, because it is a part of him. He missed it desperately when he was out and worked very hard to get back. He missed his sophomore season, and came back to play the last 5 games of his Junior year. There are high expectations on his shoulders (LOL, literally and figuratively!) for his senior year. Not from DH and I, but from his coaching staff and the local/conference world.

He has said, however, if he gets injured again, he will not play. He also will not play if he doesn't get recruited with an offer of an (academic) scholarship to play at a D3 school - he would go to his #1 school then instead. He is a realist and as much as he would love to live every boys dream of playing a sport the rest of his life, he knows it's not reality. He's not even thinking about D1 or even D2 colleges (as a player, I mean. As a student, his first choice is a D1 school) - he just wants to get some college experience as a player so he can have the experience and exposure to open doors for coaching. If that doesn't work out...he goes to first choice school and becomes a physical therapist.

 

[Lilacs4Me]

OP can you stay at least until this school year is over? Let your husband go ahead for 3-4 months and get the lay of the land? You can get started on college search with your oldest, do college visits during his spring break and get a short list of schools that fit.

Oh - and we don't deal well with snow here. An inch shuts down the city - honest. Yes I know you are well versed in driving in snow but so many others aren't (or have forgotten how). And with the sheer volume of traffic we have here, just a little problem turns into a nightmare quickly. Trust me on this

Haha, they don't deal with snow and driving well here either! And they have no excuse!

 

[Poohforyou]

I'd make a compromise and tell my oldest he can stay for the remainder of his junior year and you'll revisit the situation in June.

That allows everyone, including your bil, to test out the arrangement. I'd also hold off, if I were you, getting a job right away. I'd allow myself the freedom to focus on the kids and being there for them. That may include heading back to see your oldest.

I have a senior now and I wouldnt want to leave her but I definitely wouldn't pull her out if she were against it.

 

[clutter]

With all you have going on, I'd pick a radius around dh's job, then start looking at hs academic and football programs. That way you leave the options open for your ds. Most schools around here offer the full load of APs, so he should get credit for them. As long as it is an AP, not an IB, school. Some have both, but not all. As for football, this area supports its teams, but it ain't Texas. ;-) There are certain schools that manage to go to states repeatedly, but I would think it would be tough as a senior to join the team. Parents move to those schools for their players.

As for D3 schools, many of the kids I know that went on to play sports were already visiting schools by their junior year. Even if ds stays home, wouldn't senior year be too late for schools to meet application and scholarship deadlines? I'm not familiar with the process, but I know a couple kids that went to D3, and they knew early their senior year. A D1 family, not scholarship, was being recruited by D3 the spring of her junior year by D3s. All of the kids went to showcases their junior year and earlier for exposure. Seems that was the best way to be seen, but those were different sports.

Good luck with it all. You've got a lot to research and figure out in a very short period of time.

 

[QueenIsabella]

I know you're focusing on your oldest child right now, but I wanted to add a few thoughts on my younger two--DD13 and DS10, who I mentioned earlier changed school before starting 7th and 4th grades, respectively.

For DS10, there really didn't seem to be any issues. He's generally a loner--gets along fine with other kids, just prefers to be on his own. This may be a function of being #4 of 4--he values quiet time. But, he has many acquaintances, a few good friends. What helped both him and DD13 was getting them into their activities--they both dance (ballet, tap, jazz, contemporary) and play strings (violin for DS10, cello for DD13), plus my son does scouting. So, DS10 has some friends from those activities, as well as school/neighborhood.

Interestingly, DD13 had the biggest transformation when we moved. As it turns out, our former city was extremely clique-y, and she was absolutely miserable. Where we live now, she find everyone much friendlier. She's a total geek, she's never going to be the most popular girl in school, but she has a nice group of close friends. Literally, she thanks me on a weekly basis for moving away from the cliques and the mean girls. She is so much happier here! Of course, this means that my heart breaks for her, having such a miserable time without me realizing it. She's doing great now, though.

BTW, I completely understand why you're focusing mostly on your oldest, I just wanted to give you some insights on how things worked for us with our younger kids. Also, because of their activities, it made us focus on school districts that offered what they needed, as much as possible.