The straw - he's gone, pg 7

[SleepyMom]

Wow the weirdest thing happened yesterday.

Tell me who should be apologizing here...

Person A gets a phone call from Person B, Person B wants to have the Christmas gift exchange list (they draw names at Christmas for the next Christmas) e-mailed to her.

Person A says who Person B has for a name, but says she can't e-mail the whole list because the family decided last year that they wanted to have it be more like a secret Santa exchange, with no one knowing who has who's name.

Person B gets angry and hangs up on Person A, and then starts calling other family members to go off on Person A. Mean, nasty, horrible things were said (by B, not A... A is kind of confused and doesn't understand why B is mad because it was a family decision to keep the list a secret, and A is only doing what they were asked when they were given the only copy for safekeeping) and now Person B says they will not ever speak to Person A again unless they apologize. Person B even changed her travel plans for this weekend because they do not want to be around Person A at all.

Because of a silly Christmas list It's going to be an awkward Christmas this year.

Anyways, should Person A apologize? Or should Person B?

 

[Octoberbride03]

OK, I'm just heading to bed, but i think i actually understand this.

IMO Person B should apologize, but person A should not their breath because they will probably drop dead waiting. And yes, you're going to have an awkward Christmas. Good luck.

 

[Ember]

OK, I'm just heading to bed, but i think i actually understand this.

IMO Person B should apologize, but person A should not their breath because they will probably drop dead waiting. And yes, you're going to have an awkward Christmas. Good luck.

I completely agree. Person B is clearly not the sort to apologize... Person A will most likely have to suck it up and be the much bigger person. Person A should not have to do this, but for the sake of family harmony probably will. (At least this is what would happen with the B-type person in my family...)

Sorry person A.

 

[aprilgail2]

I would be crossing person B off my list of people I invite to anything at my house- they sound like a nutter!

 

[Liberty Belle]

If Person A was diplomatic and kind when she spoke, Person A does not need to apologize. However, if Person A feels just maybe her tone was off and/or she would like to keep the peace with Person B, then Person A might want to issue an apology and explanation. If Person B still is angry and just wants the list, that's Person B's problem.

Wouldn't other family members that Person B called tell Person B that it was a unaminous decision?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Wow the weirdest thing happened yesterday.

Tell me who should be apologizing here...

Person A gets a phone call from Person B, Person B wants to have the Christmas gift exchange list (they draw names at Christmas for the next Christmas) e-mailed to her.

Person A says who Person B has for a name, but says she can't e-mail the whole list because the family decided last year that they wanted to have it be more like a secret Santa exchange, with no one knowing who has who's name.

Person B gets angry and hangs up on Person A, and then starts calling other family members to go off on Person A. Mean, nasty, horrible things were said (by B, not A... A is kind of confused and doesn't understand why B is mad because it was a family decision to keep the list a secret, and A is only doing what they were asked when they were given the only copy for safekeeping) and now Person B says they will not ever speak to Person A again unless they apologize. Person B even changed her travel plans for this weekend because they do not want to be around Person A at all.

Because of a silly Christmas list It's going to be an awkward Christmas this year.

Anyways, should Person A apologize? Or should Person B?

Person B is controlling and using a nasty tactic to get what they want. Probably not a surprise to Person A that Person B is behaving this way.

Which leads to the question....why is there is list that is known to person A?

Most of the time when you do secret santa you draw names and no one knows.

As far as what to do....

I would email the list to everyone and say that the secret santa is off. It obviously was not agreed upon by everyone.

 

[rie'smom]

If all happened the way OP stated it did, B should apologize. Cancel the gift exchange because it seems to be messing with the holiday spirit.

 

[coolbeans]

Which leads to the question....why is there is list that is known to person A?

OOHHHH!! I wanna answer this one... Because people FORGET whose name they drew for Secret Santa!!! and then get ticked off because they forgot whose name they had and have to call someone to get the name or the poor person they choose will be left without a gift....

That's why we don't do it that far in advance... my family and dh's family can't remember normal stuff let alone a Secret Santa from last year.

 

[Carly_Roach]

Person A gets a phone call from Person B, Person B wants to have the Christmas gift exchange list (they draw names at Christmas for the next Christmas) e-mailed to her.

Person A says who Person B has for a name, but says she can't e-mail the whole list because the family decided last year that they wanted to have it be more like a secret Santa exchange, with no one knowing who has who's name.

Person B gets angry and hangs up on Person A, and then starts calling other family members to go off on Person A. Mean, nasty, horrible things were said (by B, not A... A is kind of confused and doesn't understand why B is mad because it was a family decision to keep the list a secret, and A is only doing what they were asked when they were given the only copy for safekeeping) and now Person B says they will not ever speak to Person A again unless they apologize. Person B even changed her travel plans for this weekend because they do not want to be around Person A at all.

Because of a silly Christmas list It's going to be an awkward Christmas this year.

Anyways, should Person A apologize? Or should Person B?

Person A has no reason to apologize since he/she is following the family's wishes. Person B will never apologize so don't expect one.

It would behoove Person A to get an attitude of gratitude that Person B Drama King/Queen will not be bringing their drama into Person A's life anymore. If person B brings their drama to Family X's Christmas, then Person A needs to allow person B to show their true colors and keep repeating, "It's what the family wanted."

Best of luck to Person A.

 

[luvsJack]

If I was person A, I would take the list, put it into a sealed envelope and give it to one of the many family members person B called (the ones that should have defended A for not giving the names due to the decision that was made) and say, "here, you deal with it." Then if C wants to give B the list, so be it. I would be out of it. And for the sake of family "harmony", I would let B know that I no longer have the list and I am sorry she got into such a silly snit over it but if she wants the list she can call C. (notice I would not be apologizing for anything I said but rather for her own behavior)

Sounds like B is a bit childish, to say the least.

 

[mtemm]

person b has real problems.

but person a can always ask the rest of the family for guidance. If I were person a I would email everyone and ask if, since person b would prefer this not to be a secret santa, if anyone else had changed their mind on the subject and what as a group they think you should do.

 

[lovemygoofy]

I would switch family members for whomever has person B so I had person B. I would frame that stupid list and give it as a present.

 

[momof1princess]

I would switch family members for whomever has person B so I had person B. I would frame that stupid list and give it as a present.

best suggestion EVER!

ETA: oh yeah, and person B is a controlling, manipulative nutjob and i'd gnaw my arms off before i'd give her that list! maybe it's confrontational of me, but i just don't give in to that BS.

 

[agnes!]

I think Person B wants to know who is getting the gifts for people, she wants to keep track. There's something more going on here than what's on the surface. Maybe person B thinks she's going to get stiffed, maybe she doesn't want to get bigger presents for her family's gift-receivers than they are going to get out of this Secret-Santa deal.

When "B" called around to the family, did *no-one* defend "A"? Is "B" always like this, causing drama and generally acting like a...well, like a....like a "B"? (I mean, seriously, every family has one...the person that gets referred to in hushed tones ...)

Good riddance to bad rubbish says I, but ymmv. If "B" is the gatekeeper for her family unit, if she will cause scenes at gatherings for eternity over a CHRISTMAS EXCHANGE LIST, then "A" has to decide if this is the hill she want to die on. She could always apologize without apologizing, y'know, something along the lines of "B, I'm sorry you're so upset". (In this case, "A" is not apologizing for what she did with the now-infamous list, she's just saying she's sorry "B" is so upset.)

I have to say..."B" is really showing the spirit of the season, eh? I'm sure Jesus is so proud that "B", a grown woman, chooses to celebrate his birthday by throwing a childish tantrum over presents.

agnes!
PS - I like lovemygoofy's suggestion.

 

[loveysbydesign]

B needs to grow up...or Santy Clause won't be bringing B any Christmas presents!

 

[Darsa]

I believe that if I was person A, I would be gathering every single other person in the family and calling a meeting to discuss this, since it was agreed by the whole family that it would be secret. This is CERTAINLY not A's battle to be fought solo; it wasn't A's decision alone, there's no reason at all for B to be such a [edited] about it all!

Yikes... and I want to know how this all gets resolved, if it does!

 

[BernardandMissBianca]

I say Person A needs to give up the Secret Santa and come to Disney with us for Christmas. It has pulled us out of the "pull the name out of the hat" deal.

Person B is a nut job, they should get coal. Santa doesn't play those kind of reindeer games.

 

[Jennasis]

Did person A ask person B WHY they wanted the list?

 

[BernardandMissBianca]

Did person A ask person B WHY they wanted the list?

My guess is that Person B is a control freak who is used to getting their way and is ticked that Person A got the list.

 

[SleepyMom]

OK, well I am relieved to see that most think Person B is being a little off and not Person A, since... well, I am Person A.

I honestly didn't think I had done anything wrong, I was just trying to follow what everyone wanted by doing the Secret Santa bit. And yes, I was given the list so that there was a master copy that everyone could go to in case they forgot. In the past 3 or 4 years several lists were made (just for a regular name drawing) and by the next Christmas I was the only one who still could find the list, so it was decided I would be the one this year to keep it for everyone.

The funny/ironic thing is, there has been tension in the past between myself and Person B about things they lied to me about and have refused to tell the truth on. I have come to accept I will never get the truth, have moved on and it hasn't been mentioned for years.

So it seems weird they are having such a meltdown about being kept in the dark (their words) about a Christmas list, when they have kept me in the dark for years about this lie (again, hasn't been mentioned for years and really doesn't come into play in any way in this situation). This person is all about control and loves to keep people off guard by keeping things from them.

As for talking to other family members, this person would not listen to them even if they tried to defend me. We all know what Person B is like and it does no good to even try and tell them anything... again, it's that control issue. We've all talked, I know they support me and understand what is going on, they don't need to get into a fight with "B" to prove it. I am surprised at how vicious the comments are though.

I'm just confused, because of all things, this just seems so silly. They were to have visited us this weekend, staying overnight and I have heard from others they won't be coming here anymore and won't be talking to me until I apologize. I really am not feeling the need to apologize, and it is looking like this might really be the hill I choose to die on. It's a small hill, but I might just have to defend it this time. I'm sure Person B has no idea I know what they are saying, they probably think they can throw this little temper tantrum and then be all sweet when they need to next time.

I heard the reason they want the list is because they found the perfect gift for a couple of people and want to tell the ones who have those names what to get for them. It doesn't really seem like a good reason for such a fit, but who knows.

I love the idea of framing the list and giving it to Person B for Christmas, but at this rate I'm not sure there is going to be a family Christmas with both of us involved. Time will tell.

Thanks for the input! I knew I could get some honest opinions here and if the majority thought I was in the wrong I would have re-considered my thoughts to climb this hill.