Chapter Eighteen: Eighth Grade Rules and Sixth Grade Drools
Last year I wrote a lot about how EPCOT is too reminiscent of a middle school. The park is stuck in those horrible pre-teen years when your face looks like a food they serve for a $1.95 a slice at Coscto and you smell all the time because you don’t know to wear deodorant every day. In any middle school there are cool kids on the back end of puberty and those unfortunate kids who’ve only just begun. So too at EPCOT: there are cool rides, lame rides, rides that used to be cool but are now lame and rides which are begging you to even notice them.
Then there is Norway and that wretched little boat ride, Maelstrom.
Which only serves one good purpose on this earth. It's so that when dozens of people read the word "Maelstrom," they compulsively respond the way any of my southern brothers do when they hear the opening licks to
Sweet Home Alabama. Except instead of crying out, “turn it up,” they mutter, “is a Fastpass?!”
God bless the Internet and jokes that run for over a year now.
It’s not that we didn’t like EPCOT. It’s just that on our previous visits to EPCOT, we hadn’t been overly enthused by its offerings. It seems we kept running into the pimply faced, needy EPCOT and not the cooler one other people seem so enamored of. And frankly, we had grown suspicious of whether there wasn’t some kind of groupthink regarding EPCOT. People like it because other people like it and not because it is like worthy.
EPCOT is like Shakespeare. No one
likes Shakespeare. Everyone says they like it because they want to impress their young, hot English Lit professor who walks around quoting sonnets like lines from
Seinfeld. Little do those poor hapless undergrads know that the hot young English Lit professor is herself feigning appreciation for the Bard because she is trying to impress her Studies in Elizabethan Poetry Seminar Professor. It’s a vicious cycle of fakery. No one actually likes Shakespeare.
And anyone who says they do is lying.
Or trying to get a date.
And so it goes with EPCOT. Or so we thought. Such was the cult-like love for EPCOT that we immediately assumed it was a fraud. Like John Edward's Two Americas.
But because EPCOT now has Soarin’ and because Soarin’ is our favorite ride, we planned to spend a day in EPCOT. We thought we’d give it another chance.
During this trip, however, we were remarkably surprised by how much we enjoyed this park. Which is not to say our original assessment was incorrect. EPCOT remains for us too much like a middle school. But as you will learn, during our recent trip into EPCOT with few exceptions, we discovered those parts of EPCOT that were more like cool eighth graders, ready to shine. Ready to shave.
My wife decided to stay behind that morning, so it was just going to be me and my little girl for a few hours.. We got up and my wife helped me get my little girl ready. The backpack was already filled with breakfast food and such. I kissed my wife goodbye and headed off to EPCOT, stopping at Roaring Fork for a fill up of brown water served warm. We walked back up the ramp and across the lobby and out the doors to the bus area. At that time, there was a bus which ran directly to the TTC as well as a bus (shared with Ft. Wilderness) that went to EPCOT. I don’t think the Lodge still has a TTC bus. But because it did at the time, we decided to take whichever one came first. Fortuitously, the TTC bus came first. As we later discovered, the EPCOT bus (shared with Ft. Wilderness) took a LOT longer to get to EPCOT.
Why Disney cannot get a better handle on its transportation issues is a mystery to me. They advertise it as a reason to stay in their over-priced, under-cleaned resorts, yet there never seems to be a bus when you need one. It’s just like with Spaghettios. I’ll never understand why they taste better cold and I’ll never understand Disney Transportation.
Or America’s obsession with the recently dead Anna Nicole Smith.
However, the TTC bus delivered us to the TTC rather quickly. From there, we walked up to the Monorail platform and a few minutes later my little girl and I were on our way. As we rode along, a foreboding mood came over my daughter. One day I’ll have to give some thought to what it is about the Monorail that provokes these moods in her. Is it the windows that don’t open? The oft-repeated announcements? The automatically closing doors? The strange center standing area that looks like it has seats that fold out but actually don’t?
Whatever provoked her mood, it was gone by the time the Monorail entered EPCOT. There is no better way to arrive in any park on property than riding the Monorail into EPCOT. The gentle sweep through Future World is dramatic and exciting. I feel sorry for the people who stay in the EPCOT area resorts who have to walk in through the International Gateway because they never get to experience the Monorail ride into EPCOT. I feel even more bad for the people who only come in by bus. But that’s really for other reasons.
When the Monorail stopped, I took a moment to collect my belongings and made certain to grab my small child by the hand. I opened the stroller and she hopped in and together we strolled to the front gates.
Where we stood in the sun in a line that didn’t move.
Ahhhh. Disney Magic.
Even after they opened the gates, the line we were in didn’t move. I'm ZZUB. I
always choose the wrong line. I've got the gift of good parking but can't get in the right line to save my life. While we stood, gently roasting, I thought about our plan. Until that moment, I didn’t have any idea what we were going to do once we gained admittance into the park. How crazy was I going without a plan?! This was like all those dreams you have about going to school naked.
Except I was actually standing in front of EPCOT with
NO FREAKING CLUE WHAT WE WERE GOING TO DO IF THEY EVER LET US IN THE PARK.
As the hours turned into days, I remembered reading a trip report about Character Connection and how it was completely empty first thing in the morning and your kid could get some excellent character time. Since it was just me and my little girl, I thought that would be fun for her. I took a futile swipe at the sweat on my chin as I decided we’d head to Character Connection and then to see Turtle Talk with Crush.
Those of you in the know can spot my fatal error, can’t you?
Nerds.
Eventually, we passed through the turnstiles and people were racing to one of three destinations: Soarin’, Test Track or to have their picture taken in front of LaLa and her husband’s picture on the Leave a Legacy tombstones. However, me and my daughter headed to Character Connection.
One problem.
I didn’t know where Character Connection was.
I knew generally it was in Innoventions on the side by the Land. But I didn’t know which of the buildings it was in. So I walked that direction and eventually saw a CM with a Mickey hand beckoning people in.
My daughter and I were behind two middle aged women who beat us in the door. But although they got the Magical Moment certificate, we got the bona fide magic moment.
Patti and Selma briskly walked through having their pictures taken with all the characters, then the characters turned all their attention to my daughter. First we saw Mickey. My daughter got out of her stroller and ran over to hug him. Both the Photopass guy and I got a great shot of her hugging Mickey Mouse. Next up was Donald. Daddy loves him some Donald Duck. I handed my camera to the photographer so both me and my little girl could have our picture taken with D-Duck.
It was 9:05 in the morning and we’re shiny with sweat. I love Florida.
After D-Duck, my little girl got back into her stroller and I rolled her over to Dip and Chale. Where she refused to get out to see them. She’s such a girl. She made them come to her. Which they did. There was no one else in there so the characters were taking extra time with my daughter. They fussed all over her and eventually coaxed her out of her stroller. I got some really cute shots of her with Dip and Chale. Next up was Pluto. I figured she’d give him the same cold shoulder but because Pluto is my wife’s favorite, my little girl wanted to have her picture taken with him for Mommy. After Pluto, however, she was done. She was tired of posing with the characters. She didn’t shave her head bald or anything but she was done having her picture taken. Poor Minnie Mouse. She got kicked to the curb like some lame desperation friend from sixth grade you discarded by Thanksgiving when you latched onto cooler friends.
I made our apologies to Minnie and we headed out into the Florida hot. We strolled over to what used to be the Living Seas. I didn’t see anyone outside so I thought maybe we’d get in and see Crush without any problem. But a CM guarding the sidewalk informed us that Crush didn’t open until 10:00. I turned the stroller around and headed off to I don’t know where. We couldn’t go into the Land because we were saving Soarin’ for later in the day when my sister and her family were meeting us. I didn’t want to wander too far from Crush, but what else was there to do?
”You’re pushing your luck, little park,” I thought to myself.
We wheeled over to the Journey Into Imagination. I parked the stroller and my daughter took my hand and we walked inside.
”What is this, Daddy?” she asked.
“Well, sweetie, I don’t rightly know. It used to be a ride about Imagination, but they’ve changed it a time or two since your Momma and I rode it last.”
“Will I like it?”
“I don’t know if I’ll like it,” I said. “But it’s air conditioned and it’s open so let’s ride it and if it stinks, we won’t do it again, ok?”
“Ok.”
We walked through the queue and up at the front we encountered two CMs catching up with each other. I don’t fault them for talking about their plans for the weekend. The place was emptier than a Tim Hardaway Fan Club meeting, but for a moment it seemed less like Disney World and more like McDonald’s. Which made me numb.
The Imagination ride has cars in groups of four. They asked my daughter which of the cars she wanted to get in. She’s a girl. She’s four.
“I wanna sit in this one. No this one. No this one. Daddy, which one should we sit in?”
I’m a conservative so we took the one to the far right.
Once we were seated, they started up the ride and away we went. I don’t remember much about this ride except it was awfully lame. The ride was so boring, even the car we were riding in fell asleep.
Mercifully, it ended and we were set loose on what used to be Kodak’s What If Lab which I promptly re-named the What Was Lab. All I could think of was what used to be there and how cool it used to be. To call it a shell of its former self is to overstate how much was left. Kodak should be ashamed to have their name on it. In fact, in a battle between Lindsay Lohan, Kevin Federline and Kodak, Kodak has the most to be embarrassed about.
Our day in EPCOT had not started off well.
I really wanted this day with my daughter to be special for her and I could tell she was pretty unimpressed with the Imagination pavilion. I wheeled her over to the upside down waterfall because I thought she’d think it was cool. She was mildly amused. The way you are when someone in your office forwards you an email and then comes in your office to hover over you while you open it so he can watch you laugh.
My daughter is four and she gave me a pity smile.
We still had about 20 minutes before 10:00 when Crush opened. I wondered whether the Living Seas Pavilion was open because if it was, I reasoned we could grab us some A/C and eat some Pop Tarts. I wheeled over to the same CM who was guarding the sidewalk and asked if we could go inside and wait.
“Oh sure,” she said. “The Living Seas is open, but Crush won’t open for another twenty minutes or so.”
We walked inside and I spotted the Crush queue area. It was roped off. I asked a nearby CM if we could go ahead in and wait. He said we could and moved the rope for us. We walked up to the tape line and grabbed us some floor. After anti-bacterializing our hands, I broke out the Pop Tarts and water.
“My name is ZZUB. I’m a Disney World Dad.”
Soon enough, they opened the doors and we went in. This was our first time seeing Crush, but my sister had told me how funny the show was. I was really looking forward to it and I wasn’t at all disappointed. Turtle Talk with Crush was hilarious. Classic Disney attraction. It was innovative and clever and very funny. This was a side of EPCOT we hadn’t seen. If you’ll forgive my well-worn metaphor, Crush was an Eighth Grader. Although my daughter sat on the floor with the other kids, I knew she wouldn’t raise her hand and ask a question. She hates attention unless she wants attention. And that morning, she did
not want attention. Fortunately, Crush didn’t try to talk to her because if he had, there is no telling what she would have done. My guess is she would have shouted at him with her silent stare. I’ve been on the receiving end of that steely gaze on more than one occasion. It’s not for the faint of heart. Dude.
After Crush, we took a brief tour of the few Living Seas displays there were. My daughter crawled into the shark for a picture and then was overcome by an episode. You see, my daughter suffers from Relapsing/Remitting Whineritis. And she suffered a full blown outbreak as we were looking at the fish.
”Daddy, hooooooooold me.”
I picked her up and tried to interest her in some of the other fish stuff but NI: not interested. So I carried her outside and put her in her stroller.
Where to? I had nary a clue.
It was hot. Really hot. Hotter than hot. Hottest ever. We walked over to Innoventions because it was air conditioned and I thought there might be some interesting stuff to see. As we crossed the plaza, I noticed the mobiles were powered so as to give the illusion of wind.
Because just the illusion of wind will make us feel cooler?
Why EPCOT has fake mobiles and why massaging a cow makes for a more tender meat loaf, I’ll never know.
But EPCOT
does have powered mobiles and there
are people who massage cows in an attempt to make more tender beef.
Just a factoid to do with what you wish.
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Click Here For Chapter Nineteen