Chapter Seventeen: Dinner! The Musical
To begin with, based on some feedback, it appears a clarification is in order.
I did
NOT fall asleep in the lobby of the Wilderness Lodge. I also did not drool on myself. Make any audible sleeping noises. Or lose my toupee.
I dont wear a toupee.
I dont
need a toupee.
I fell asleep in the
alcove ABOVE the lobby of the Wilderness Lodge. Where I was hardly noticed.
After my discreet and accidental nap, I went and collected our laundry. So much for the Disney magic. Not only was it
not folded and neatly put into a basket for me, but it was still in the dryer. And partially damp. Whos running this so-called Year of a Million Dreams anyway?!
I threw our mostly dry clothes into my bag, stopped in Roaring Fork for a refill (which was my right until the end of my stay), and went upstairs to harass my women-folk until they were awake.
We had dinner plans with Cinderella and her rodent pals at 1900 Park Faire in the Grand Floridian. But first we were headed to Downtown Disney.
For the most colossal emptying of my wallet since I bought books for the first semester of law school.
When I arrived back in our room it was still cool and dark. The way it should be. I folded the dry clothes and put them away. The partially damp ones I hung about the room to dry.
It was like
Good Times comes to the Wilderness Lodge. Only without Willona the sassy neighbor from upstairs. Or even Wynonna, the less attractive; less talented Judd.
By the time I finished tripping over things in the dark, my wife woke up and asked what time it was. I told her it was 7:00.
ZZUB, what time is it really?
Its 7:00. We missed our reservation. Well have to eat somewhere else.
I know you didnt let us sleep that long, she said. She rolled over and craned her neck to see the clock. Exhaling loudly, she rolled back and probably rolled her eyes. It was dark and I couldnt see that well, but I know my wife. She knows me too. I never tell her the correct time when she asks. Which makes me wonder why she still asks.
She got up and readied herself and then we gently nudged my daughter awake. You dont dare wake her too quickly for fear of THE RAGE. My little girl is normally quite sweet but wake her before shes ready and Hell hath no fury and all that. I regularly face surly judges and bombastic plaintiffs attorneys but Im afraid of my daughters rage. I sent in the woman instead.
Shes used to dealing with misdirected rage.
Once everyone was awake and ready, I called for our car. This is one area where staying at a so-called deluxe hotel exceeds the so-called moderates. It is nice to have someone else fetch your ride and bring it to the front door for you. After I called for the car, I called Housekeeping and asked for more towels. Which is my right. Hotel towels are like votes. You can never have enough. Ask early and ask often.
We made our way to the porte-cochere and our car was waiting on us. We hopped in and drove to Downtown Disney. We parked and walked into the World of Disney.
It would be dishonest to call this an assault on my wallet. There was no real battle. I just walked in the door, opened my wallet and threw my money in the air. I surrendered faster than the French. And I smelled better. The only shock and awe of this campaign was at the register when I realized how much we spent.
To this day, no one, not even my wife, knows how much we spent on souvenirs at Disney World during this trip. Suffice it to say it was a lot. I dont know what happened to me. Although its true I normally dont say no on vacation at Disney World, on this trip I was like Rush Limbaugh at the Golden Corral. I couldnt get enough.
World of Disney has always vexed me. Its too much. Not only is it wall to wall to wall Disney stuff, our stop in WOD almost always comes on our last day. On the way out. Its the last chance to grab that "must have" Disney crap that you cant live without. So theres always an air of grabbiness to our visits because we know we wont be back for a year. When we were there in 2005, we were like the Clintons leaving the White House. I think we may have grabbed a Disney rug.
This year we went to WOD in the middle of our trip thinking that would prevent some of the impulsive grabbiness. It didnt. We got to the register and unloaded our baskets of stuff. Fortunately my wife had taken my daughter to the bathroom when the CM totaled it up because the number was shocking. Shocking, I tell you.
Even now as I sit here, I cant name one thing we bought that afternoon.
But then, five months ago, Im sure everything we bought was something we really wanted.
Im telling you, Disney is a scary place.
In the real world Im never that impulsive with my purchases. Never that grabby in a store. But there . . .well, you know. You do it too.
Our annual surrender to the World Of Disney behind us, we hopped in the car I rented because I thought my daughter would think it was cool and we headed to the Grand Floridian.
I enjoy harassing my daughter by calling Monorail Red, Monorail Blue. Calling Snow White, Rain Black. Sleeping Beauty is Napping Ugly. And Cinderella is Stinkarella. Which sounds even better when it is sung to the tune of that cloying song from the movie.
Stink-a-rella.
The whole way to the Grand Floridian, I kept taunting my daughter with
Stink-a-rella:. Shes as smelly as the mice. Smell-a-rella; dont get too close, shell give you lice.
Then I moved on to other words. We pulled up to the Magic Kingdom gate and I told the CM we were eating at the
Grand Floridian-a-rella: the white building on the shore.
Daaaaaaaaaadddddy, my daughter whined from the backseat.
We arrived at the Grand Floridian and I exhorted my daughter to hurry up getting out of her car seat or wed be
late for dinner-a-rella: theyll give our table away.
When we walked up to the host stand, I noticed the
Fairy Godmother-a-rella: shes standing by the door. Fairy Godmother-rella; shes wearing more makeup than a . . .
ZZUB! my wife interrupted.
We were immediately shown to a table, on the wall, sandwiched between a large and unhappy family who had been at Disney World two days too long and another family whose two kids were five minutes from a
major meltdown.
Behind us sat a childless couple of the May-December variety. Out of respect for the recently dead, I wont make any further comments about this couple. Except to say that Im
sure she wasnt with him for his money. Im sure she walked past several younger men to be with this guy because she was attracted to his hairy ears and bushy eyebrows. If she said two words to him during dinner, they were, you done? I vaguely recall her yelling that into his hearing aide.
Yelling-into-the-ear-oftheold-guy-youre-with-a-rella.
So there we sat, squeezed between the unholy triumvirate of miserable Disney tourists. No sooner had we sat down than
Prince Not-So-Charming-a-rella appeared . Both my wife and daughter wanted a picture with him. While I was taking their pictures, I asked him if he was worried that his wifes best friends were mice. He fake laughed but I could tell he didnt get the joke. After a while, wearing that much hairspray is bound to affect your cognitive reasoning skills.
Look what it did to Jimmy Johnson.
I dont care for the buffet at 1900 Park Faire. We were there for Cinderella and her rodent pals. The food is tolerable. But the layout is a disaster. The dining room is overcrowded and the buffet is too small. Also, the dessert offerings are slim.
I didnt try the Strawberry soup because Im a soup purist. Soup should have meat, vegetables and broth. Not fruit. My wife tried it and said it tasted like melted yogurt. Always a pleasant treat. At $29.99 a person, Im grateful Disney has come up with such delicacies as melted yogurt.
Yes, we had Free Dining, but thats not the point.
Unhappy Dad on my left ate three bowls of the stuff. What effect that had on his mood is unclear.
But I avoided it like Trim Spa.
I didnt much care for a lot of the food offerings but the shrimp were plentiful and delicious.
Shrimp-a-rella; delicious in your brine, Shrimp-a-rella, thanks to Free Dining, youre all mine.
Daddy. Stop singing that.
Stop singing-that-a-rella.
During dessert, the kids to our right melted down. HUGE. We tried not to make eye contact with the parents. They were doing their level best to bring it under control. Its funny. Before we had kids, I would have been extremely critical of parents whose kids came unhinged. Now, I just stared into my cobbler and softly sang,
there-but-for-the-grace-of-God-go-us-a-rella.
After dinner, we went and sat in the lobby of the Grand Floridian for a while. Like most of you, we are impressed with its beauty. It makes me numb. We sat on a couch and enjoyed the live music from the band.
No, I didnt fall asleep. My wife and I were talking. That would have been rude.
And completely unprecedented. A-rella.
____________
Click Here For Chapter Eighteen
