thanksgiving family conflict question

[quandrea]

How far do you have to travel to get to your family?

45 minutes to one hour, depending on weather and traffic. Why?

 

[Wishing on a star]

I think this is a pretty mature attitude. Do you really want to have a big rift with your family over one day? I mean, you can choose to hold a grudge or you can just let it go.

I am afraid that this isn't a big rift with family over one day.
I think that there is a lot more to this than that.

I continue to think that if this is how they choose to treat the OP, and to handle a 'FAMILY' holiday, knowing that she would be dealing with three kids, two of which are infant twins whom do not seem to handle these things well.... then this shows a complete disrespect for her and the children as members of the family. It is obvious that the mother and siblings, the big matriarchs of the family only consider themselves as 'family'... and it is all about them.

I also think their so 'gracious' invitation to stay-home.... is nothing less than a real slap in the face. That is definitely how I would feel about such a nice wonderful offer.

I think that there is more than meets the eye here.
There may, or may not, be reason for a rift...
IMHO, it certainly looks like there are some valid issues there.

 

[kirstenb1]

Wow, so I guess your family is showing what is more important to them. That 6pm mealtime is above and beyond and the only thing they care about. Screw the family and loved ones or compassion or understanding or flexibility. It apparently all revolves around them and their 6pm dinner time.

My family, as well as my DH's has always accommodated everyone. Whether it is who's house it is in or what time it is. I guess we realized that being able to be with our family is more important then where it is or what time. I would be beyond insulted and hurt if they did something like what your family is doing.

I would not go. They apparently don't give a crap if you are there or not so why bother. Relax, enjoy your day with YOUR family. Don't stress yourself out getting the kids in the car and over to their place, then you would have to leave at a decent hour so that you can feed them since apparently they refuse to even move dinner up an hour.

I'm sorry OP that you family is acting this way. Sometimes families are the worst.

Spot on. Wait until the rest of the family start having kids. They'll be lining up to do afternoon holidays. Although my kids are 12 and 5, I still plan family gatherings with the younger cousins in mind. Makes for a more pleasant experience for everyone.

 

[Wishing on a star]

45 minutes to one hour, depending on weather and traffic. Why?

I don't know why you ask...
The answer is very obvious....

This again from a mother who had a child who did not handle these things well, and also drove an hour to family events. (which pretty much sucks...)

That is another TWO hours of travel time with three little ones in the car.
That also puts the OP and the young children arriving home very late at night... if this thing doesn't start till 6:00 lasts 3-4 hours, then the drive home.... that is nearly 11:00p.m.

Sorry, but I am in the camp that feels that this is WAY to much to expect from toddlers.
Flame me if you must.... I could really not care any less....
If it were my son when he were that age... I don't know that I would consider going.

The OP is in a situation where she has to go as early as possible, and then have to up and leave and walk out on her family...

Or, not go at all... and not see her family.

NOT a good position for them to put her in.
They are really just leaving her between a rock and a hard place.
Not acceptable, IMHO.

 

[dislaney]

I would probably stay home with my family for now. You might decide you enjoy it better anyways, but if not when your children are a little older- you can rejoin the rest of the family for Thanksgiving dinner!

 

[sbell111]

They practically told you not to come, so don`t. You have your own kids, they are your family now so plan everything in your life around them...I do and I love it, no stress, no problems, my time-my decisions...

I agree. It might be time for the OP to start having Thanksgiving at home with her immediate family and make that the norm.

If only I could get my wife to do this. We end up having a second Thanksgiving a few days later at our house. What a pain.

 

[NMAmy]

I am afraid that this isn't a big rift with family over one day.
I think that there is a lot more to this than that.

I think that there is more than meets the eye here.
There may, or may not, be reason for a rift...
IMHO, it certainly looks like there are some valid issues there.

From your previous posts over the years, I could have predicted that this is the way you feel about this kind of situation. And that's fine, but I quoted the OP and I'm guessing she knows more about her family dynamics than either you or I. If she's willing to let it go, I'm not sure why you are encouraging her to make this into a big fight.

I don't know why you ask...
The answer is very obvious....

This again from a mother who had a child who did not handle these things well, and also drove an hour to family events. (which pretty much sucks...)

That is another TWO hours of travel time with three little ones in the car.
That also puts the OP and the young children arriving home very late at night... if this thing doesn't start till 6:00 lasts 3-4 hours, then the drive home.... that is nearly 11:00p.m.

Sorry, but I am in the camp that feels that this is WAY to much to expect from toddlers.
Flame me if you must.... I could really not care any less....
If it were my son when he were that age... I don't know that I would consider going.

The OP is in a situation where she has to go as early as possible, and then have to up and leave and walk out on her family...

Or, not go at all... and not see her family.

NOT a good position for them to put her in.
They are really just leaving her between a rock and a hard place.
Not acceptable, IMHO.

You're quoting with and arguing with the OP. No need to rush to defend her from herself. If it's not a big deal for her to drive that distance and the OP wonders why it matters, then there's no sense projecting your issues onto her situation. While that's a big deal to you, apparently it is not a big deal to the OP to have TWO hours of travel time.

 

[Polyluvr]

I can understand your side of it OP; and wanted to send you some

I do have to say though; and maybe this is the situation in your family- I put an awful lot of work into Tday dinner-my preparation could rival Martha Stewart! It's my favorite holiday; and I love all of us being together-w/out it being all about presents! But- I wouldn't change my time to eat either.

I'd offer to have a quiet area for your babies and even a pack n play or 2 in your case- I do have 2; lol But I honestly wouldn't go out of my way to change my plans around-esp if this is how it's been done for awhile.

And if it was my brother or sister who asked me; I would be a little miffed at their rudeness-seems kind of rude to me, after I have asked you into my home to share in a celebration.

I'd just be "good" guest and go w the flow or make other plans.

JMHO.

 

[okeydokey]

Keep in mind that this is a temporary situation. In a couple of years your kids will be old enough to keep the tradition that your family engages in and have an evening celebration. Until then, you can have your own at home. You may even enjoy that more.

I would not expect the rest of the family to adjust everything for me.

 

[quandrea]

I can understand your side of it OP; and wanted to send you some

I do have to say though; and maybe this is the situation in your family- I put an awful lot of work into Tday dinner-my preparation could rival Martha Stewart! It's my favorite holiday; and I love all of us being together-w/out it being all about presents! But- I wouldn't change my time to eat either.


And if it was my brother or sister who asked me; I would be a little miffed at their rudeness-seems kind of rude to me, after I have asked you into my home to share in a celebration.

JMHO.

My sister didn't invite me. It's usually at my parents house. We were just starting to discuss how the holiday would look this year. It isn't really a matter of being invited. My family is like you however, in that they put a lot of work into the day. I had suggested that everyone come here to prep the food, the table, etc and that we eat at our usual time at my place--that way we could do all the same things, cut I could put the kids down at 7:30 and we could continue the festivities. I've tried numerous times to put them down at my parents', but they won't go. The babies just rev themselves up into hysterics. I thought the same game plan, but at my house may have worked for everyone.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Sorry PolyLuvr.....
You can brag all you want about how you 'Rival Martha Stewart'.
That doesn't mean that I will choose to be there.

IMHO, you have just showed the other side of the coin that we are all talking about here..... a 'family holiday' should not be 'all about you'.

You would receive my 'regrets'.

It always sucks when folks think a family event is 'all about me....' like they own Thanksgiving or Christmas.

 

[kacaju]

45 minutes to one hour, depending on weather and traffic. Why?

Why did I ask...just wondering... I never had issues with my kids and traveling to see family around Holidays. BUT, if I did, I may try it if it was around an hour, but more then an hour and a half from home I would re think if it was worth going.

 

[Polyluvr]

Sorry PolyLuvr.....
You can brag all you want about how you 'Rival Martha Stewart'.
That doesn't mean that I will choose to be there.

IMHO, you have just showed the other side of the coin that we are all talking about here..... a 'family holiday' should not be 'all about you'.

You would receive my 'regrets'.

It always sucks when folks think a family event is 'all about me....' like they own Thanksgiving or Christmas.

Was I attacking the OP in any way? I don't think so.

I don't feel I "own" the holiday- but, if I'm hostessing the event as I have for years then I think I can set the time; in my home.
If someone decides not to come-well I just hope the have a wonderful holiday.

I am in no way rude about it.

and I feel like your post was attacking me-?

 

[quandrea]

Why did I ask...just wondering... I never had issues with my kids and traveling to see family around Holidays. BUT, if I did, I may try it if it was around an hour, but more then an hour and a half from home I would re think if it was worth going.

the travel has never bothered us. We are used to it. I basically figure it into the timeline of the day.

 

[SC Minnie]

OP--go early so you can visit and share the day with your family but leave after dinner when the kids start getting restless/tired. You won't be there for everything but sometimes that happens when you have young kids.

 

[LilyWDW]

Sorry PolyLuvr.....
You can brag all you want about how you 'Rival Martha Stewart'.
That doesn't mean that I will choose to be there.

IMHO, you have just showed the other side of the coin that we are all talking about here..... a 'family holiday' should not be 'all about you'.

You would receive my 'regrets'.

It always sucks when folks think a family event is 'all about me....' like they own Thanksgiving or Christmas.

Couldn't the same be said for someone who expects things to change because they need them to? It's not "all about them" either.

 

[sparklynails23]

This post really hit home. I can see this point of view completely. I long for some accommodation, but perhaps that is not the way to feel. I don't want a rift and should maybe see it as one day and just deal with any difficulties as they present themselves.

I can tell you care about your family and are probably just under a lot of stress having twin one-year olds. It seems like many people responding to this thread are analyzing your situation based on the past with their own families. Hope it all works out for you. You'll feel better if you just go and get past this.

 

[stsomewhere]

My aunt has Thanksgiving every year. It is around 2pm. She will not change the time. I understand.
She invites everyone. She has around 50 plus people over. If she accommodate one, she has to do it for all.
Some years we have attended, others not.

Some years we have left early because the kids were ready to leave since they were crabby,

 

[luvmy3]

Was I attacking the OP in any way? I don't think so.

I don't feel I "own" the holiday- but, if I'm hostessing the event as I have for years then I think I can set the time; in my home.
If someone decides not to come-well I just hope the have a wonderful holiday.

I am in no way rude about it.

and I feel like your post was attacking me-?

The OP offered to host the holiday at her house and was shot down, so it seems that in her case there are those in her family who think they do own the holiday.

Couldn't the same be said for someone who expects things to change because they need them to? It's not "all about them" either.

OP asked for a little accomodation for a very good reason. She even offered to have everyone at her home and when they said no she asked if they could have dinner a little earlier. I can understand the family not wanting to travel (even though the OP would) but to ask to have dinner a few hours earlier when its a month away so that the OP and her kids can enjoy the holiday with the rest of the family isn't really a selfish act.

 

[LilyWDW]

OP asked for a little accomodation for a very good reason. She even offered to have everyone at her home and when they said no she asked if they could have dinner a little earlier. I can understand the family not wanting to travel (even though the OP would) but to ask to have dinner a few hours earlier when its a month away so that the OP and her kids can enjoy the holiday with the rest of the family isn't really a selfish act.

I was actually simply disagreeing with the post I quoted. The point of that post seems to be that the family was selfish because they refuse to change things and it's not all about them... but if someone asks that things be changed and then gets upset when they don't, is it not the same thing? Or, because they have a "good" reason (to them), does that offset it?

Personally, as I said earlier in the post, I don't believe the family is doing anything wrong. The wants of a few should not outweigh the wants of the many in this case. Plus, honestly, we are getting one side of the story. If the rest of the family could be here to answer our questions, I do wonder what they would say.