thanksgiving family conflict question

[Tinijocaro]

I say show up with miserable twins in hand and let them see for themselves why 6PM wasn't such a good idea.

Or, can you have the whole family over another day at a better time for you but then they can still have theirs on Thanksgiving?

 

[quandrea]

In response to Radiofanatic. Thanks for your post. Everyone could make it if it were earlier. I am the only one who isn't at home. Brother is married too, but he and wife are always there. They just like to have it for 6pm. I think the family just likes the 'feel' of an evening get together rather than during the day.

 

[Heidict]

Wow, so I guess your family is showing what is more important to them. That 6pm mealtime is above and beyond and the only thing they care about. Screw the family and loved ones or compassion or understanding or flexibility. It apparently all revolves around them and their 6pm dinner time.

My family, as well as my DH's has always accommodated everyone. Whether it is who's house it is in or what time it is. I guess we realized that being able to be with our family is more important then where it is or what time. I would be beyond insulted and hurt if they did something like what your family is doing.

I would not go. They apparently don't give a crap if you are there or not so why bother. Relax, enjoy your day with YOUR family. Don't stress yourself out getting the kids in the car and over to their place, then you would have to leave at a decent hour so that you can feed them since apparently they refuse to even move dinner up an hour.

I'm sorry OP that you family is acting this way. Sometimes families are the worst.

 

[PollyannaMom]

Hi everyone. Just wanted some opinions. I am starting to plan thanksgiving (it's in Oct in Canada). Am the mother of a DD 6, and year old twins. Problem is timing of dinner with my side of the family. They do dinner every year in the evening. That is the worst possible time of day for my twins. They basically are miserable from six pm onwards and are in bed at 7:30pm. When I suggested that we have dinner at my place this year so I can put the babies to bed, my family shot it down. They want the fun of cooking and doing the table (I said they could do this at my house). I also suggested that we might do it earlier in the day. No go. They said that everyone would understand if we did not attend. My family always does everything in the evening even though they know it is hard on my kids. My guys are the only children in the family. What to do? I feel really mad, but maybe I'm the one with the problem. Let me know. Brutal honesty please.

The part I bolded would make me feel as if they simply didn't want children around.

I'd probably be wrong. They probably just don't remember how much crying babies spoil everybody's fun, but it's still how I'd feel.

And yes, I get that in a perfect world, babies should blend in to the family rather than the family revolving around the babies, BUT that doesn't change the fact that, in practice, everyone is likely to be miserable on Thanksgiving.)

My first reaction would be to cook at home and invite someone who would really appreciate it...But I would probably worry that it would cause a long-lasting rift, and end up going with the show-up-anyway plan, and letting them learn their lesson the hard way.

 

[Heidict]

I agree. You are the one that doesn't like the time so you have to be the one to change.

In truth I was never rigid about not ever bending my kids routines. I always figured being flexible was the best thing for them in the long run. They adjusted as needed. Being off their routine for 1 day to be with family isn't going to affect them one bit but you never know when it is the last Thanksgiving everyone will be together. Do you want to miss that just to stick to a routine?

Go if they get cranky you have lots of arms available and if they fall asleep plop them on a bed or couch somewhere and enjoy your family being together.

I guess the same can be said for her family also. Why are they so set on sticking to THEIR routine at the expense of alienating part of the family?

I guess she could always go, then sit around, miserable, as she tried to deal with a couple of kids in the middle of meltdown. You can be as flexible as you want to be, but it is not going to change the fact that she knows her kids and she knows what is going to happen come about 6 o'clock. That's okay though, I'm sure the screaming and crying will make for a relaxed and enjoyable meal for everyone. But dinner is at 6 and apparently that is all that matters.

 

[Hannathy]

But she is 1 family and evidently many more family groups prefer Dinner on Thanksgiving (I do to actually) So you have to go with the majority not the minority. I wouldn't change a family tradition for 1 yr or 1 person either.

 

[diznygirl]

Personally, in our family Thanksgiving isn't that big of a deal. In fact last year, DH, DD and I ate at Ohana.

Excellent idea! And they have turkey!

It's one day. Take the kids, enjoy your family, and leave when the kids get grumpy, whether you've eaten or not. I'm not sure if the focus of Thanksgiving in Canada in eating, because that's pretty much what it is in the U.S., well that and giving thanks. You can't expect your family to change tradition because some one-year olds might get fussy.

I agree with this - go, enjoy while you can. Then pack up and go if the kids get fussy - they might not (wouldn't that be a nice surprise!)

 

[Nancyg56]

Hi everyone. Just wanted some opinions. I am starting to plan thanksgiving (it's in Oct in Canada). Am the mother of a DD 6, and year old twins. Problem is timing of dinner with my side of the family. They do dinner every year in the evening. That is the worst possible time of day for my twins. They basically are miserable from six pm onwards and are in bed at 7:30pm. When I suggested that we have dinner at my place this year so I can put the babies to bed, my family shot it down. They want the fun of cooking and doing the table (I said they could do this at my house). I also suggested that we might do it earlier in the day. No go. They said that everyone would understand if we did not attend. My family always does everything in the evening even though they know it is hard on my kids. My guys are the only children in the family. What to do? I feel really mad, but maybe I'm the one with the problem. Let me know. Brutal honesty please.

I would tell them that I will miss spending the Holiday with them but becasue te children are too little to adjust all will be staying home.

My parents have been hosting Thanksgiving dinner for 40 years now. During this time, the time dinner is served has been changed numerous times, because of children and grandchildren, naptimes and bedtimes. Heck, the last few years, my dd needed to be 2 hours away at 6 pm on Thanksgiving, so dinner was more like lunch!

Us too. I cannot imagine not accomodating little ones if it is at all possible. For my family it is notthe time or the place that matters, it is that we are all together. The only thing I will not do is schedule teh meal to accomodate one person if I know that person is going to do a flyby. I don't mind that they are in and out, I just won't move things in that case.

Right now we move dinner to accomodate my DMIL. SHE cannot eat too late so dinner changes to make things comfortable for her. We also make sure that seh can attend whatever Mass works best for her so that seh does nto get too tired.

If they did, they would have tried to compromise on the timing.

I guess the same can be said for her family also. Why are they so set on sticking to THEIR routine at the expense of alienating part of the family?

I agree. I would not go under thwese circumstances. Little kids may be able to adjust but it sounds like the twins are not there yet so there is no way I would put them or anyone else through it.

 

[LilyWDW]

But she is 1 family and evidently many more family groups prefer Dinner on Thanksgiving (I do to actually) So you have to go with the majority not the minority. I wouldn't change a family tradition for 1 yr or 1 person either.

I agree with you.

The wants of a few should not change the wants of the many. I think it is unreasonable to expect everyone else to change their plans and traditions to accommodate a single minority.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

I agree with you.

The wants of a few should not change the wants of the many. I think it is unreasonable to expect everyone else to change their plans and traditions to accommodate a single minority.

Ditto. If the annual tradition in your family has always been dinner, I can understand why everyone wouldn't want to change to lunch. It doesn't seem the same. I do think that they could have worded it nicer, if that is indeed exactly what they said.

I'd bring a pack and play, go and enjoy dinner and put the twins down in another room when it's time.

 

[joviroxx]

OP , I get you. I guess we just do things a bit differently. Thanksgiving has always been a big family day for us and we have a big family. As the grandkids started showing up, we did adjust things along the way. It was important for us to be together and have a good Turkey day. There are times we've adjusted times due to inlaws, newborn, small kids and the like.

So, I can understand why you are upset and the comment that they would understand if you did not attend would bother me too. The time of Thanksgiving meal isnt that important to us, its being together that is.

I can understand that other families have other traditions so just start your own or go visit the family and take off as soon as the bewitching starts!

 

[RadioFanatic]

In response to Radiofanatic. Thanks for your post. Everyone could make it if it were earlier. I am the only one who isn't at home. Brother is married too, but he and wife are always there. They just like to have it for 6pm. I think the family just likes the 'feel' of an evening get together rather than during the day.

Well, then, IMHO, they are in the wrong. I would point blank say to them "Are you telling me that you would rather have a later dinner without my family and your grandchildren there than make it a little earlier so the whole family could be together?" If they say "yes", then I would say "well, I know how I rate!" Good luck to you!

 

[luvmy3]

I would go and when the twins get crabby I'd hand one over to Grandma and the other to Grandpa

 

[sparklynails23]

They already said they won't change the time. You can choose to get upset about it, or you can choose to give them the benefit of the doubt and go be with your family. If you are dead set on scheduling the whole family around your preferences, there will eventually be a rift. That could start now. It's all up to you.

 

[bekkiz]

I know the wrath of cranky twins in the evening, and I have missed out on a few things because of the timing. If they are not willing to shift even an hour, then I would say stay home. Why cause yourself the stress of dealing with cranky infants if you don't have to!

We live far away from family, and do not travel on Thanksgiving due to the cost, so that has become "our" holiday. And thankfully, our family has been super accommodating when we are in town to work around the twins schedule. I think it's because they know they won't get to see the twins if they don't! (and yes, I know exactly what that makes me sound like )

 

[quandrea]

They already said they won't change the time. You can choose to get upset about it, or you can choose to give them the benefit of the doubt and go be with your family. If you are dead set on scheduling the whole family around your preferences, there will eventually be a rift. That could start now. It's all up to you.

This post really hit home. I can see this point of view completely. I long for some accommodation, but perhaps that is not the way to feel. I don't want a rift and should maybe see it as one day and just deal with any difficulties as they present themselves.

 

[luvmy3]

This post really hit home. I can see this point of view completely. I long for some accommodation, but perhaps that is not the way to feel. I don't want a rift and should maybe see it as one day and just deal with any difficulties as they present themselves.

If it were me, there would still be a rift because of their unwillingness to compromise anything about how they are going to celebrate that day. Of course they don't have to but I couldn't imagine being in a family where nobody was willing to try to make things work for everyone.

 

[NMAmy]

This post really hit home. I can see this point of view completely. I long for some accommodation, but perhaps that is not the way to feel. I don't want a rift and should maybe see it as one day and just deal with any difficulties as they present themselves.

I think this is a pretty mature attitude. Do you really want to have a big rift with your family over one day? I mean, you can choose to hold a grudge or you can just let it go.

 

[castleview]

They practically told you not to come, so don`t. You have your own kids, they are your family now so plan everything in your life around them...I do and I love it, no stress, no problems, my time-my decisions...

This. Eventually you can head back to your family if you want to. Heck, I'd be thrilled if I wasn't expected to be there!

 

[kacaju]

How far do you have to travel to get to your family?