thanksgiving family conflict question

[quandrea]

Hi Everyone,

So I've decided that we will be going for Thanksgiving as usual. We'll arrive at five for appetizers and we'll leave by seven when the kids are cranky. That way, we'll probably get dinner with the family. We'll miss dessert, but who cares? Everyone gets to see each other.

 

[RadioFanatic]

Well isn't it true? I will give them that you aren't going with the flow, you want to change everything to the way you want it and evidently are the only one who wants it that way. And as the other thread going on sounds a bit snowflaky.

I still don't get the big deal if the babies are off their schedule for 1 yes 1 day. I sincerely wish you a life with so little disturbances that you never have to alter a bedtime, it would mean you have a wonderful life with no upsets. I was never so lucky.

In my opinion, it is easier for adults to adjust their schedule then children, especially babies. I have been VERY blessed with a go with the flow type of kid; so I don't have these issues. But I realize I am lucky in that regard and there are many children/babies with whom that is just not possible. An adult should be able to adjust to the benefit of the child. Why is okay for the adult not to budge but it's not okay for a child not to?

BTW, how many of them are there vs. your family - sounds like four of them vs. the five in your family.

OP, I think you are being WAY too nice and are setting up a pattern for life. Good luck to you and the babies!

 

[mhsjax]

Thanks for all the feedback. I was thinking to just go and see what happens. If they are miserable, so be it. My family is definitely of the camp to just take the kids and go with the flow. They don't get that having two screaming babies takes much of the fun out of it. Perhaps staying home will be best for all of us. We'll have our own fun and no one will feel they have to accommodate us. When I was little, I remember that all our events were held in the daytime. I susupect this was to accommodate children's moods, etc. Who knows what will happen. I have some time to think about it. My husband says thanksgiving isn't a big deal and to just stay home. I think it's harder for me because the whole thing makes me feel disconnected from my family.

I know in my family we have changed times for various reasons. No biggie, we are more about being together than adjusting the time. I don't know if I would go in your situation or not. Bringing a port a crib and putting the babies down isn't that easy. If there is too much commotion then the babies may not sleep.

As far as the kids being entertainment and being doted on, that is all fine an dandy until the kids get cranky, then all of the sudden they are your kids and that same family that thought oh how sweet and cute and fun to play with, vanishes. (not literally)

I also understand about you feeling disconnected with your family if you don't go. Maybe you should just go and see how it works out. Maybe have the babies take a later nap.

 

[quandrea]

BTW, how many of them are there vs. your family - sounds like four of them vs. the five in your family.

OP, I think you are being WAY too nice and are setting up a pattern for life. Good luck to you and the babies![/QUOTE]

My family consists of my parents, two sisters, a brother and SIL. The pattern for life thing is what my best friend says will happen. We've already missed so many things, birthdays, mother's day, father's day etc. because they've been held at night, at restaurants (7pm) that I don't want to miss something else. I know that this is the pattern, but it just seems that if I don't bend, I'll never see them. At least for this event, I can go to some of it. The nighttime restaurant events are impossible.

 

[mhsjax]

Sorry PolyLuvr.....
You can brag all you want about how you 'Rival Martha Stewart'.
That doesn't mean that I will choose to be there.

IMHO, you have just showed the other side of the coin that we are all talking about here..... a 'family holiday' should not be 'all about you'.

You would receive my 'regrets'.

It always sucks when folks think a family event is 'all about me....' like they own Thanksgiving or Christmas.

I agree, this is about "thanksgiving" being grateful for what you have including family. It isn't about being like "martha Stewart" oh and by the way, no one could out do my mom, everyone came to her house, but you have better believe that if someone needed the schedule changed she would adapt.

OH and now the my DM has passed, I take on the duty. I will make a time change for anyone that needs it. I am thrilled to have family and friends over to celebrate a day of thanksgiving.
I guess if I followed what some people say, then my poor hubby would have gone to work on Thanksgiving day without his dinner. And all of my relatives that same in for the day were ok with traveling earlier to accommodate him.

 

[mhsjax]

"hostzillas"

It is funny, And I bet that we have a new Dis word now. To go alone with "snowflakes"

 

[luvmy3]

My family consists of my parents, two sisters, a brother and SIL. The pattern for life thing is what my best friend says will happen. We've already missed so many things, birthdays, mother's day, father's day etc. because they've been held at night, at restaurants (7pm) that I don't want to miss something else. I know that this is the pattern, but it just seems that if I don't bend, I'll never see them. At least for this event, I can go to some of it. The nighttime restaurant events are impossible.

I think its really sad that a group of only 6 adults aren't willing to go to your house or change the time to a little earlier for the sake of kids/babies. I thought you were talking about 15+ people, which could get hard to agree, but its just them. Its just seems so sad.

 

[HeatherH]

Hi Everyone,

So I've decided that we will be going for Thanksgiving as usual. We'll arrive at five for appetizers and we'll leave by seven when the kids are cranky. That way, we'll probably get dinner with the family. We'll miss dessert, but who cares? Everyone gets to see each other.

Sounds like a very reasonable plan. I hope the babies surprise you and you get to stay and enjoy the dessert too. But if not, at least you made the effort to see the family for the holiday.

 

[disykat]

I am the only one with children. If I don't go it will be held against me even though they say they will understand if I don't attend. They will think my husband and I don't "go with the flow."

I can so relate to this. This thread is making me see red for several reasons.

1. The basic thought that no one should adjust a schedule for children and that all children are able to "go with the flow." I had one flexible child and one child for whom schedule changes meant disaster. Putting him down in another room and having him quietly sleep would never have happened.

Since I'm the only one with kids in my family, everyone would have spent the evening irritated that my child was spoiling their event and tsk tsking about what a horrible parent I am that I can't make my child comply. I'm guessing a lot of the posters here would have been doing it right along with them. It's something you don't 'get' unless you've had a child that doesn't 'flow' well.

2. I also feel like you've been told you're not wanted. It's more important that the time stay the same than you be there. It would be understandable if there were conflicts with other guests to work around as well, but in this case it just seems they don't really want you there.

3. You are being set up for a lose/lose situation. Regardless of them saying they'll understand if you don't come, they probably won't. If you do come and your babies fuss, you will be ruining their perfect evening. Your only hope IMO is that they have a big enough house that if they fuss they can be taken out of earshot.

4. My own personal baggage is that me being the only one with kids pretty much destroyed my relationship with my family. If I talk about them, I'm bragging. If I don't, I'm keeping them from having a relationship with the kids by not keeping them informed. There's no way to win. If my kids are there and making life miserable, I'm a horrible parent. If I suggest a babysitter, how dare I not include the kids in a family event. Again, lose/lose. Argh - it makes me mad just thinking about it. Thankfully my kids are past that stage and know to only show their best side in front of my family. They've learned it's not a safe place to be anything but controlled. I thought I'd kept the negativity a secret from my kids until one of my kids said to me "the place I hate most of all is grandma and grandpa's house because I feel like they don't approve of me." - and this was my easy going kid, the one I'm under the impression they like more!

 

[Heidict]

My family consists of my parents, two sisters, a brother and SIL. The pattern for life thing is what my best friend says will happen. We've already missed so many things, birthdays, mother's day, father's day etc. because they've been held at night, at restaurants (7pm) that I don't want to miss something else. I know that this is the pattern, but it just seems that if I don't bend, I'll never see them. At least for this event, I can go to some of it. The nighttime restaurant events are impossible.

Your family sounds extremely inconsiderate. Almost as if they don't care if you are there or not. It is more important to them to get together amongst themselves and have fun and if you can't make it, oh well. I feel bad for you OP. I can't imagine having to deal with a family like that. Nothing says "I love you" like scheduling something for when they know you can't show up.

When the other siblings start having kids, I would be interested to know if it stays the same or if all of a sudden they become flexible.

 

[robinb]

Hi Everyone,

So I've decided that we will be going for Thanksgiving as usual. We'll arrive at five for appetizers and we'll leave by seven when the kids are cranky. That way, we'll probably get dinner with the family. We'll miss dessert, but who cares? Everyone gets to see each other.

I think that is a great compromise . If your kids do melt down maybe your family will be more flexible for the next family gathering.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I think its really sad that a group of only 6 adults aren't willing to go to your house or change the time to a little earlier for the sake of kids/babies. I thought you were talking about 15+ people, which could get hard to agree, but its just them. Its just seems so sad.

Agree.

I would skip it but then again I give control freaks a taste of their own medicine. It becomes a sport to me.

 

[quandrea]

I'm amazed at how much people have to say on this topic. I guess it just goes to show you that family relations can be fraught with challenges. I've appreciated all the input. Nice to know I'm not the only one with this problem.

 

[quandrea]

More news. My birthday and my dad's birthday are coming up. I thought we could both have a cake on the same day and everyone could be together. Nope, sister wants to have dad's on the day, at night, in the middle of the week. I can just give dad his gift when I see him next. As mentioned before, we can't do evening, esp. not in the week. When mom told me this, I blew. Why can't we shedule so whole family can attend. I'm supposed to go with the flow. Forget that with a midweek birthday party and a forty min drive there would be no way of getting my six year old up for school the next day. UGH!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

More news. My birthday and my dad's birthday are coming up. I thought we could both have a cake on the same day and everyone could be together. Nope, sister wants to have dad's on the day, at night, in the middle of the week. I can just give dad his gift when I see him next. As mentioned before, we can't do evening, esp. not in the week. When mom told me this, I blew. Why can't we shedule so whole family can attend. I'm supposed to go with the flow. Forget that with a midweek birthday party and a forty min drive there would be no way of getting my six year old up for school the next day. UGH!

You really just need to go with the flow and show up if you can make it and in an adult tone, tell family that midweek is not doable for you and leave it at that. There is no need to blow up.

I know you are frustrated however this is your family's rules. The sooner you accept that they are going to be unbending, the sooner you can be proactive with things and expect it.

I guess I do not understand why you are surprised at this point?

 

[Nancyg56]

More news. My birthday and my dad's birthday are coming up. I thought we could both have a cake on the same day and everyone could be together. Nope, sister wants to have dad's on the day, at night, in the middle of the week. I can just give dad his gift when I see him next. As mentioned before, we can't do evening, esp. not in the week. When mom told me this, I blew. Why can't we shedule so whole family can attend. I'm supposed to go with the flow. Forget that with a midweek birthday party and a forty min drive there would be no way of getting my six year old up for school the next day. UGH!

I agree with MM here. At this point it is clear that nothing is going to change in your family, they just are not flexable. I would agree to attend what I could manage and decline the rest. Tell Mom that while yiou will be sorry to miss the party it is not possible for you to attend midweek gatherings and that you will be thinking of them that evening. If that is going with the flow I would be flowing..............

Personally I do not get the rigidity of your family. We celebrate birthdays when they are convenient and that is seldom on the appointed day.

 

[RadioFanatic]

You really just need to go with the flow and show up if you can make it and in an adult tone, tell family that midweek is not doable for you and leave it at that. There is no need to blow up.

I know you are frustrated however this is your family's rules. The sooner you accept that they are going to be unbending, the sooner you can be proactive with things and expect it.

I guess I do not understand why you are surprised at this point?

I don't blame her for blowing up. I would be frustrated too. I would make it very clear that (a) I needed to be consulted about scheduling family events or we would never come or (b) I and my immediate family would not be making any effort to see them at any time or ever work with their schedule. What did your mom say when you blew up?

 

[auntie]

Were you asking to have the birthday celebrations at your home?..or that someone else (be it your sister or mother) have it at their homes, but at a time that is convenient for your family.
NOT..trying to be snarky..just wondering.
I think as previously mentioned, you have to figure that you're family is gonna do..what they're gonna do at this point.

If it's not something you can manage given the time and travel with young children..then really, that's on you. I mean, it's one thing if they didn't invite you..but if they did, and you just aren't able to attend, don't blow it out of proportion. I do think your reasons for not attendig are perfectly valid. Only, the rest of your family is not dealing with the same circumstances you are. Your kids will grow, and it will become easier to attend family functions. You're not there yet. yet, you can't expect the rest of the family to change to suit your stage of life.
Could they be more accomodating..yeah, I think they could. Only...they're NOT. Either way, the message is loud and clear.

You can offer to have another celebration at your home on the weekend, or celebrate with your husband and children. Maybe even invite some friends or neighbors over to help celebrate your birthday.

 

[dzorn]

I have a headache and feeling a little crabby. I say go and let them be little terrors.

Denise in MI

 

[Praying Colonel]

IMHO the old cliche "you can only control 2 things: your attitude and your actions" applies here. If others are not willing to accomodate your family's schedule, you can either do it their way or do it your way. Whichever route you take, stewing over it doesn't help.