thanksgiving family conflict question

[okeydokey]

Your sister is going to do what she wants. You need to figure out if that will work for you. If not, don't attend and don't think another moment about it. Go to lunch with Dad on a weekend you can.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Hey OP....

So, specific and very inconvienient plans for your dad's birthday, and NO MENTION OF YOURS....
WOW.

While I am sorry to hear your update...
I think we suspected that this is the way that they are going to be.
And, unfortunately, this is now very, very, clear.

Personally, I have never heard of Thanksgiving Dinner being held so late.
I have never heard of a close family member who could easily join the family with a bit of compromise, being 'un-invited'.
I have never heard of evening birthday celebrations not being held on the closest weekend.
I have never heard of celebrating on close(nuclear) family member's birthday, with no acknowledgement of another's.

And, can totally agree with your feelings!!!! It is almost like they are doing these things very purposefully.

I think it is clear that there are some underlying issues/things going on.

And, I can TOTALLY understand with your blow-up.
It is so hard when these realities hit home!!!!!

Everyone here is right, though....
From now on, the correct response is to not 'blow up'.
It is to realize that they are going to be this way, and come to terms with it.

THEN, you can work on how to deal with the situation as a whole.

At the very least, I would say, very politely FOREGO any very purposefully non-convenient plans. This leaves it in their court. If they decide that you and your family should be included, they can decide to come up with more family-friendly options. If not... that hurts... but better to know this as soon as possible, and go from there.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I don't blame her for blowing up. I would be frustrated too. I would make it very clear that (a) I needed to be consulted about scheduling family events or we would never come or (b) I and my immediate family would not be making any effort to see them at any time or ever work with their schedule. What did your mom say when you blew up?

Not arguing about being pissed. It is just after the Thanksgiving thing, I thought she understood that her family were jerks. I would not give them the satisfaction of blowing up at them, you know?

 

[Kathi OD]

I'm going to be one of "those" people who hasn't read the entire thread...

In our family, on holidays and other get-together days, what is best for the littlest ones is what the family does. If that means dinner at 3 instead of 6 then so be it. If it means going to Aunt Sue's house instead of Granny's, then that's what we do. Children & their needs always get first priority.

 

[Nancyg56]

Everyone here is right, though....
From now on, the correct response is to not 'blow up'.
It is to realize that they are going to be this way, and come to terms with it.

THEN, you can work on how to deal with the situation as a whole.

At the very least, I would say, very politely FOREGO any very purposefully non-convenient plans. This leaves it in their court. If they decide that you and your family should be included, they can decide to come up with more family-friendly options. If not... that hurts... but better to know this as soon as possible, and go from there.

Honestly, this is it all summed up. Make your own plans and establish your own family traditions. Down the road they have a change of mind? Oh well.........

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Honestly, this is it all summed up. Make your own plans and establish your own family traditions. Down the road they have a change of mind? Oh well.........

And also she can take out her dad or mom with her own family without including the sister.

That is what we do in my family when we are not able to get together for something, like a birthday, mother's day, etc....

We will make a plan to take out someone earlier in the week, later, etc.

I say be more proactive about things and make it work for you instead of working against the family.

Make a date with your dad and take him out, give him his gift, or whatever later.

 

[horseshowmom]

I think that is a great compromise . If your kids do melt down maybe your family will be more flexible for the next family gathering.

I have to be honest and admit that I was thinking I might stay through dessert and let the family share in the joy...

More news. My birthday and my dad's birthday are coming up. I thought we could both have a cake on the same day and everyone could be together. Nope, sister wants to have dad's on the day, at night, in the middle of the week. I can just give dad his gift when I see him next. As mentioned before, we can't do evening, esp. not in the week. When mom told me this, I blew. Why can't we shedule so whole family can attend. I'm supposed to go with the flow. Forget that with a midweek birthday party and a forty min drive there would be no way of getting my six year old up for school the next day. UGH!

This is easy. There is no way on this earth that I would be there. This is just plain rude. Your dad is a grown man. Heck, most kids wait until the weekend for their parties. I think maybe some other family members need to learn to "go with the flow".

 

[J/T Gramdma]

Keep in mind that this is a temporary situation. In a couple of years your kids will be old enough to keep the tradition that your family engages in and have an evening celebration. Until then, you can have your own at home. You may even enjoy that more.

I would not expect the rest of the family to adjust everything for me.

I have been on the OP situation being the first to have children. Yes, at first it is expected you can just adjust to the time we[the adults]want. But when the the brothers or sisters of the OP have children all of a sudden everything has to be done to accommodate the new children. Then you are left feeling shocked how the former adults that could not make any adjustments before are now bending over because now their children cannot be there late and heaven forbid their child be made to to adapt. Anyway been there ,done that. I hope all will be worked out. I think as many do ,stay home and do something special on that day.

 

[mickeywho?]

I have been on the OP situation being the first to have children. Yes, at first it is expected you can just adjust to the time we[the adults]want. But when the the brothers or sisters of the OP have children all of a sudden everything has to be done to accommodate the new children. Then you are left feeling shocked how the former adults that could not make any adjustments before are now bending over because now their children cannot be there late and heaven forbid their child be made to to adapt. Anyway been there ,done that. I hope all will be worked out. I think as many do ,stay home and do something special on that day.

ME TOO!! Isn't it amazing how accommodating they become when it's about their kids? Add to that, my SIL moved 1 1/2 hours away from us - my ILs are about 1/2 way between us - and yet the road only seems to work one way....

Needless to say, we have many holidays/birthdays that are just the 4 of us or with just a few more. My ILs are always invited and manage to come every 4 years or so - they are at SILs nearly every weekend and almost always go there instead of here if they have to choose. I'm past getting worked up about it - although for the first couple of years we were very hurt. We've just made a very conscious decision to just not allow ourselves to be upset anymore - and we've made some really great traditions that are just the four of us.

When we decided to go away last Christmas my ILs freaked! They said we were very selfish to go away without discussing it with them, they felt it was very important to see each other for Christmas. Well, my DH finally had it! He told them they had not made the effort to see us for the past 12 years at Christmas. (They have been here twice out of those 12 years vs. going to SILs for all the other years) That when we did see them it was always because we made the effort to get over to them...including having very grumpy kids because they were way out of their routine and no one would adjust the day's events for them. So we were going away and having an extended family debate to decide on it was not even an option.

We had so much fun the kids have asked to do it again this year!

 

[RadioFanatic]

Not arguing about being pissed. It is just after the Thanksgiving thing, I thought she understood that her family were jerks. I would not give them the satisfaction of blowing up at them, you know?

I understand MM, I just don't know if I would have that kind of restraint!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I have been on the OP situation being the first to have children. Yes, at first it is expected you can just adjust to the time we[the adults]want. But when the the brothers or sisters of the OP have children all of a sudden everything has to be done to accommodate the new children. Then you are left feeling shocked how the former adults that could not make any adjustments before are now bending over because now their children cannot be there late and heaven forbid their child be made to to adapt. Anyway been there ,done that. I hope all will be worked out. I think as many do ,stay home and do something special on that day.

Well being the oldest, I know what you mean. Probably that is why we are all responding the way we are. Yep.

The thing you learn that it is NOT about YOU or YOUR kids. It was about the bratty sibling that is spoiled and gets their way because they throw a fit. Or it is the SON who mom/dad would never dream of inconveniencing. Because afterall they are "boys" and they "have trouble" with the kids.

 

[auntie]

I have been on the OP situation being the first to have children. Yes, at first it is expected you can just adjust to the time we[the adults]want. But when the the brothers or sisters of the OP have children all of a sudden everything has to be done to accommodate the new children. Then you are left feeling shocked how the former adults that could not make any adjustments before are now bending over because now their children cannot be there late and heaven forbid their child be made to to adapt. Anyway been there ,done that. I hope all will be worked out. I think as many do ,stay home and do something special on that day.

I think you're right. Her family just doesn't "get it"...because they're not walking in her shoes. Either that, or they don't care.
Either way..it's been made pretty clear where they stand. I do find it odd that her mother..who has had a family, and knows what that's like, can't be a more cohesive voice in this situation. Having known both sides of this. I guess that's another post all together.
In any case it's been put to her to either come..or not. So she has to make that call. If it's too inconvenient..then don't go. I wouldn't. I also wouldn't whine to my family about it. Not saying..I wouldn't be ticked...just wouldn't want them to have the satisfaction of knowing I was...

 

[RadioFanatic]

ME TOO!! Isn't it amazing how accommodating they become when it's about their kids? Add to that, my SIL moved 1 1/2 hours away from us - my ILs are about 1/2 way between us - and yet the road only seems to work one way....

Needless to say, we have many holidays/birthdays that are just the 4 of us or with just a few more. My ILs are always invited and manage to come every 4 years or so - they are at SILs nearly every weekend and almost always go there instead of here if they have to choose. I'm past getting worked up about it - although for the first couple of years we were very hurt. We've just made a very conscious decision to just not allow ourselves to be upset anymore - and we've made some really great traditions that are just the four of us.

When we decided to go away last Christmas my ILs freaked! They said we were very selfish to go away without discussing it with them, they felt it was very important to see each other for Christmas. Well, my DH finally had it! He told them they had not made the effort to see us for the past 12 years at Christmas. (They have been here twice out of those 12 years vs. going to SILs for all the other years) That when we did see them it was always because we made the effort to get over to them...including having very grumpy kids because they were way out of their routine and no one would adjust the day's events for them. So we were going away and having an extended family debate to decide on it was not even an option.

We had so much fun the kids have asked to do it again this year!

Good for dh! What was their response?

 

[quandrea]

The posters who all say that I shouldn't be surprised are right. I just keeping hoping for a different response and am surprised, disappointed when it doesn't come. That just makes me delusional. Others have said to be proactive in making arrangements. I am. For the birthdays, I had hoped that we could have a combined, afternoon get together at my place for the two birthdays. That way, we'd all be together, which is the point I think. My mom says it's fine if we don't attend events and that they have never pressured me to do so. I told her that I want to be with the family for these special days, but by making ALL events in the evening we have a real difficulty making it. This has been going on for six years. Basically, unless it's at my house the event takes place at night. We often go, with disasterous results, but sometimes it is impossible. Things have become harder since the birth of our twins last year (now we are talking three little ones). Everyone here is right--it's time to just expect this, accept it for what it is and let it go. Getting upset every time it happens is a waste of energy.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I understand MM, I just don't know if I would have that kind of restraint!

You know, it is easy for me to say it now because I am old. My oldest is a sophmore in college and I just don't give a hoot to put it mildly.

Oh I hear it. I just let them be disappointed. If we are available, great. However I don't break my neck anymore to MAKE SURE that THEY get to see my kids. I used to.

My oldest was busy all summer and went to China, blah, blah, blah....well my mom and my sister wanted her to come by before she went off to college. Well guess what? She was busy getting ready for college in 8 days.

If you want to see her, come over. Now my sister is in a bind right now however like the OP we are 45mins away and she is very busy (totally justified). However we just did not have the energy.

Well....my dd is coming home this weekend. So of course, THEY want to see her.

Now it is younger dd's b-day and we are going to try and make the effort to get something together.

What....I don't know. There are other things afoot as well. At this point, I have no concrete plans. It is nutty.

 

[Nancyg56]

I know that you are hurt and I don't blame you. I think that your Mom tells you it is okay to have your family miss an event rather than make an accomodation once in a while is key. I would bet you a buck that the other posters here are right, the adults who have no children or who are not traveling just do not get it and your Mom has forgotten how it is with kids.

It is okay to feel badly for a while but please do not let it become the overwhelming feeling because the problem here is not you. MAke your arrangements for birthdays that you wish to celebrate just as you have planned. Make your family the center of your Holidays with it being clear that you understand how the rest feel and have decided to stop banging your head against a wall. Invite tehm to your home at the time that works best for you and if they come,fine. If not, that is okay too. As your chilren get a little older you are going to be glad that you already have family traditions established.

 

[Kady]

OP...been there, done that (with twins and I'm Canadian too!)

What worked for us was starting our own traditions. One of our sons is also autistic so add that into the mix and it makes for very stressful family get togethers. It's really not fun for anyone. We would get pressure ie "We want to see the babies." I hate to say it but we didn't have kids so they can be passed around at family gatherings.

One year for Christmas we just told my dh's family that we weren't going anywhere Christmas day. We were staying home and enjoying the day. Christmas day was also a nightmare for us with the gift opening, getting three little kids ready to go, tired, cranky, whining, crying (and that's just me...just kidding). But really to save ourselves and our kids the memory of a miserable holiday we just chose to stay home. The first year we felt incredibly guilty and it took everything in us to not call them and say we changed our minds. But fastforward a few years ahead and we are so happy that we started this. All of a sudden people's expectations of us changed. Now we are asked when we want to get together and they know how we feel. There is no anger, animosity or guilt. We see them Christmas Eve or Boxing Day and that works for us and them. If they aren't available on those days then we get together another day. No big deal.

Our kids are older now (10, 7 and 7) but during those first few years I can tell you taking the babies anywhere was an ordeal. Being anywhere with two miserable kids is not an enjoyable way to visit with family.

I understand that you want to be included with your family, but until your kids are older make memories for them in your home on the holidays. You, your husband and your kids are your family now and being with them is the most important thing. Or at least this is how I feel.

One other thing that we did sometimes was my husband would take our older son to family gatherings and I would stay home with the babies.

 

[tlbwriter]

More news. My birthday and my dad's birthday are coming up. I thought we could both have a cake on the same day and everyone could be together. Nope, sister wants to have dad's on the day, at night, in the middle of the week. I can just give dad his gift when I see him next. As mentioned before, we can't do evening, esp. not in the week. When mom told me this, I blew. Why can't we shedule so whole family can attend. I'm supposed to go with the flow. Forget that with a midweek birthday party and a forty min drive there would be no way of getting my six year old up for school the next day. UGH!

Interesting that the "flow" is always in their direction. There are 5 in your family and 6 of them? It's not like you're a very small minority trying to upset the plans of the vast majority. Anyway, if you needed confirmation of where you and your family lie in their list of priorities, I guess you have it.

 

[auntie]

OP...been there, done that (with twins and I'm Canadian too!)

What worked for us was starting our own traditions.

This really is the key to the OP's situation. It makes all the difference.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Make a date with your dad and take him out, give him his gift, or whatever later.

Yes, call your Dad, and set a date to celebrate your birthdays!!!!!

Would he be willing to come see you on YOUR birthday....

If so....