I never saw this post originally, so I'll reply to the Thanksgiving part first, just in case the OP wants to change her mind.
Ditto. If the annual tradition in your family has always been dinner, I can understand why everyone wouldn't want to change to lunch.
When I was little, I remember that all our events were held in the daytime. I susupect this was to accommodate children's moods, etc.
Very very interesting....
If it were me, there would still be a rift because of their unwillingness to compromise anything about how they are going to celebrate that day.
Same with me!
Couldn't the same be said for someone who expects things to change because they need them to? It's not "all about them" either.
Exactly.
No but I had babies and I traveled with babies!
A couple years ago my MIL thanked me for being so gracious and easy going with the kids when we came to visit. That she knew it had to be hard at times but really appreciated it. That made up for all the missed bedtimes and odd eating times over almost 2 decades.
But you didn't have the OP's babies. You had your own particular babies who obviously had very easy-going personalities, or at least more easy-going than the OP's twins. I don't expect my son's personality to be like my friend's child was, because it wouldn't be appropriate.
What if this scenario had happened....they had made accommodations for your children (b/c that's what it's about, the KIDS, the newbies to the earth, the ones still learning their way...it's not about the adults at all, is it?), and a couple years ago you could have gathered the family together and thanked THEM for all the changes they had made, to help your kids out and make things easier on them. Wouldn't that have been lovely? Lovelier, IMO, than you stifling your feelings and making the kids miserable all those years, and then having ONE paltry person thank you for making the lives of adults easier...
One tiny thanks wouldn't be enough to melt away all those years of problems, not by a long shot.
We'll arrive at five for appetizers and we'll leave by seven when the kids are cranky. That way, we'll probably get dinner with the family. We'll miss dessert, but who cares? Everyone gets to see each other.
So your family gets to see the kids just as they are approaching their usual difficult hour...
I guess I do not understand why you are surprised at this point?
Maybe she thought that by going with the flow for x amount of times, she'd get ONE day that they would go with the flow?
The posters who all say that I shouldn't be surprised are right. I just keeping hoping for a different response and am surprised, disappointed when it doesn't come.
OK, I'm not assuming; I'm *asking*.
Are there any addiction issues with your parents? Alcohol, for instance?
Because the way you bend and bend and bend is just the way that MANY children of alcoholics (and other substances I assume) work to make things feel OK in their families. It's how I was, until I read Adult Children of Alcoholics and realized that I was about to break from all the bending I had done. I don't bend anymore, not unless it's for a reasonable person.
The way you have been dealing with this, continuing to expect them to be different and ALWAYS having it be YOU that changes and morphs and melds and melts, really speaks to me from when I was learning about myself, and how common it is for kids who grew up in that sort of household...
So...we're vegetarian, and because of that we both enjoy just being at home AND we don't get many invitations for American Thanksgiving. Although we are very easy-going vegetarians (DS is the loud-mouthed one about meat, not me and hubby!), for whatever reason it just BUGS hubby's family (my family all lives far away) that we'll be HAPPY with mashed potatoes and veggies. I swear, we're ecstatic about good mashed potatoes and need very little else, but it just bugs 'em.
So we have our own little Thanksgiving, just the three of us. Last year's was blissful. We make an eclectic array of foods, and very few require lots of baking (unless I'm doing a pie, which I did do last year). Last year we got up, lazed around, I made sure we were all organized, and then I went up to the Y to work out before they closed for the day! It was SO cool. Came home, cleaned up, then we started making food. It was the most beautiful day. Just our little family.
I highly recommend it.
I mean, it was fun for us KIDS, growing up, having the main friend-family coming over, but I know for certain it was VERY stressful on my mom, who would wake at 4 to start her preparations and didn't sit down until most were done with their meal (done at around 5, if not earlier, by the way...but of course this is in the US). I prefer it my way!
Best of luck to you!
ETA, birthday...
In our families, birthdays get a phone call. Not a gathering. Heck, so few people even came to DS's parties (b/c his b'day is right near Mem Day weekend so having on THE day didn't work b/c of midweek but having it on the weekend doesn't work either!!!) that we canceled the whole thing for two years and went to
Disneyland. Birthdays for adults...are just not a big deal outside of the nuclear home... I can't imagine *forcing* people to do it another way.
Not that I would be against having gatherings for all birthdays, that would be lovely. If they happened happily and joyously and with lots of accommodations for those with the newbie humans...
Glad to hear a happy update.
