Teenage Bullying-What do we do?

[FireDancer]

I wouldn't classify rape as bullying.

Most Cyber-bullying can be stopped with some privacy settings in Facebook. If I want to post something on my Facebook wall or blog I am free to do so and no one has to read it. If someone bullies me by posting things on my wall or blog they can be blocked or de-friended. This isn't limited to kids, I know people who run very adult tech sites that have to deal with comment vandalism every day.

A lot of what is happening now is not much different then when I was a kid or my parents were kids. Sure, the medium has changed (the web) but the content isn't all that much different. Name calling and being made fun of has happened to everyone I know including myself but since I was taught from a young age that confidence and self esteem come only from you I never let the stuff bother me. Obviously rape, assault, and theft should be deal with as the law allows but with things like being called a name kids have found a way to deal with from the beginning of time and handle themselves.

Most of us are adults and managed to survive the cruelty of our peers in childhood, how did we manage? I look at it a lot like office gossip. It is equally annoying and can be quite cruel but it happens and most of us survive and deal with it.

Yes, on rare occasions things escalate to a crime even the most picked on kids I knew growing up (and one of my best friends was a very popular target by many) were never the victims of rape or assault beyond the normal occasional pushing or knocking books out of their hands. Some of these sound like the extreme and not the norm and outliers will always be different then the fat middle where most of us reside.

 

[amandaluvsgoofy]

I completely blame the parents. But I can guarantee that someone will find this thread and insist that s/he should not be held responsible for his/her child's actions when the kid is out of his/her line of vision. That it's the schools responsibility to keep them in line. In fact, I remember reading something like that last week (don't remember the thread, but that was the reply).

Maybe if the bullies and their parents had to pay harsh consequences (be it fines or jail time) then the parents would put a stop to it.

Eagerly waiting for responses.

Looks like one of the bullies' parents is already saying "Not my child!!"

http://www.bostonherald.com/news/re...cts_mother_my_daughter_never_fought_with_her/

 

[joviroxx]

How much more are teachers and schools supposed to do? They have to teach them, feed them, protect them from each other, from their teachers and from their parents. They must be moral guides, legal guides and educators. They must raise our kids, instill morals and values, and on and on. They aren't supermen. This doesnt mean the schools shouldn't be vigilant and have a no tolerance for certain behaviors.

Rape, assault, etc are legal issues and crimes beyond school bullying and I can bet those didnt happen in front of teachers. Kids who are doing this kind of tormenting aren't going to stop because of a teacher or be stopped by the confines of school property. Its an incredibly sad story that I hope parents can use to bring home good lessons to their children.

 

[FergieTCat]

I wouldn't classify rape as bullying.

Most Cyber-bullying can be stopped with some privacy settings in Facebook. If I want to post something on my Facebook wall or blog I am free to do so and no one has to read it. If someone bullies me by posting things on my wall or blog they can be blocked or de-friended. This isn't limited to kids, I know people who run very adult tech sites that have to deal with comment vandalism every day.

A lot of what is happening now if not much different then when I was a kid or my parents were kids. Sure, the medium has changed (the web) but the content isn't all that much different. Name calling and being made fun of has happened to everyone I know including myself but since I was taught from a young age that confidence and self esteem come only from you I never let the stuff bother me. Obviously rape, assault, and theft should be deal with as the law allows but with things like being called a name kids have found a way to deal with from the beginning of time and handle themselves.

Most of us are adults and managed to survive the cruelty of our peers in childhood, how did we manage? I look at it a lot like office gossip. It is equally annoying and can be quite cruel but it happens and most of us survive and deal with it.

A few years ago, an adult friend of mine was cyberbullied by other adults (and no, it wasn't me, but the person is a good friend of mine). It's not only Facebook. You can put slanderous comments on ANY message board. You can set up websites. You can even have anonymous comments picked up in Google feed.

Some people can deal with it, some can't. There's really no excuse for bullying, by children or adults. Take an anger management class.

 

[hereyago]

This is the 2 time within a week I have heard about a girl taking her own life because of this stupid stuff.

From the OP's first post and link to the article: The girl had been seeing a senoir boy-that is where the statutory rape comes in-not sure if the harassment started while or after they saw each other.

The first girl I read about had sexted her boyfriend-which was stupid-and then when they broke up, he forwarded it to everyone, now I am sure that while they were seeing each other , he showed his buddies. This girl killed herself because the harassment afterwards. She had been looking forward to going to college I think it was, went to a girl's funeral and then went home and killed herself.


Most of the bullies in the recent case were girls, so we really need to work on our daughters, because people who bully usually don't have a high regard for themselves so they pick on people to make them feel better.

 

[FireDancer]

A few years ago, an adult friend of mine was cyberbullied by other adults (and no, it wasn't me, but the person is a good friend of mine). It's not only Facebook. You can put slanderous comments on ANY message board. You can set up websites. You can even have anonymous comments picked up in Google feed.

Some people can deal with it, some can't. There's really no excuse for bullying, by children or adults. Take an anger management class.

That is all true. I can also not participate in the message boards or report the abuse to the moderator (if it is moderated) or not read the blog. If what is written isn't legally slanderous one of the side effects of free speech is not very nice free speech. While I don't condone it as a fully paid member of the EFF I only want illegal speech quashed, not all non-nice speech.

Sometimes these people are also complicit in their own abuse, like sending naked pictures of themselves. That is stupid no matter what age you are. How would anyone be surprised when that comes back to bite them. Once something is online or out in the world it is there forever. That is the kind of thing kids need to realize and that is the job of the parents, not the schools. Unless the pictures are actually being shown in school their authority ends at their doors as far as I am concerned.

 

[hereyago]

As far as the kids bullying via text, how did they get her number? there was someone who gave it to them. i would have changed that number just like changing the settings on facebook.


Last summer, DD11 met a friend who in the end would spray paint dd's bike. DD has nice things, trampoline, unusual looking bike, which kids love that stuff. So she meets juvenile detetion girl in the making-girl doesn' have a bike, no trampoline. Dd likes to be friends with everyone, this girl was relatively new in the neighborhood. The mother made a statement about the girl couldnever keep a frend, i would find out why later.

The girl was very demanding and even told me she would be a good role model to my dd, i was like, um, I am my dd's role model. The girl would tell her Dm what to do and what she wasn't going to do, that doesn't fly with me.
DD finally had enough and told juvie girl that she didn't have to do
everything with her and stop being demanding.

DD's bike was outside one night, we live in a "safe"neighborhood, the next day it was spray painted. THe girl bragged about it and how dd wouldn't be able to ride it.
I talked to girls mom and told her what had happned and told her either she could buy dd a new bike like she had or her dd could help clean it up. the mother said that her dd was spray painting a shirt outside on the drive way before that-i was like, why would you let her spray paint that?

So the girl came over with her mom and we used a cleaner and got most of it off. then it was made clear that juvie girl was not to associate with dd and i told dd the same thing.

Kids asked dd about her bike and was it true what juvie girl did and she said yes. Juvie girl called my dd's cellphone and threatd the severly hurt her. Ok, that was really stupid because we know enough police officers in this neighborhood and I had a officer that we know listen to it and go over there and have a discussin with juvie girl and her mom. we havent had any trouble since. dd has to ride the bus with girl, but she leaves her alone.

It was a sad thing for dd.

 

[Kathi OD]

Looks like one of the bullies' parents is already saying "Not my child!!"

http://www.bostonherald.com/news/re...cts_mother_my_daughter_never_fought_with_her/

Is anyone surprised by this?

Lots of comments about the school and its teachers needing to be punished because they were aware of the bullying in this case and did not reprimand the students involved. Being aware of it, and actually observing the behaviors are two entirely different things. I haven't read or heard anything yet that says school personnel were firsthand observers of the bullying and turned a blind eye. Part of what makes a person a bully, is their ability to be sneaky and underhanded; to do the deed where those in authority aren't likely to observe the nasty behaviors. I can imagine how much screaming there would be if these students were "unjustly" accused of bullying their classmate.

As far as part of the bullying taking place in cyberspace and through text messages, I've read plenty of comments here on the DIS where people claim the school has no right to take any action because it didn't happen at the school.

If you ask me the school is between a rock and a hard place when it comes to this kind of behavior, but yeah, give it one more thing to do. It's a shame that there isn't a standardized test on how not to be a bully.

 

[luvmy3]

As far as the kids bullying via text, how did they get her number? there was someone who gave it to them. i would have changed that number just like changing the settings on facebook.


Last summer, DD11 met a friend who in the end would spray paint dd's bike. DD has nice things, trampoline, unusual looking bike, which kids love that stuff. So she meets juvenile detetion girl in the making-girl doesn' have a bike, no trampoline. Dd likes to be friends with everyone, this girl was relatively new in the neighborhood. The mother made a statement about the girl couldnever keep a frend, i would find out why later.

The girl was very demanding and even told me she would be a good role model to my dd, i was like, um, I am my dd's role model. The girl would tell her Dm what to do and what she wasn't going to do, that doesn't fly with me.
DD finally had enough and told juvie girl that she didn't have to do
everything with her and stop being demanding.

DD's bike was outside one night, we live in a "safe"neighborhood, the next day it was spray painted. THe girl bragged about it and how dd wouldn't be able to ride it.
I talked to girls mom and told her what had happned and told her either she could buy dd a new bike like she had or her dd could help clean it up. the mother said that her dd was spray painting a shirt outside on the drive way before that-i was like, why would you let her spray paint that?
So the girl came over with her mom and we used a cleaner and got most of it off. then it was made clear that juvie girl was not to associate with dd and i told dd the same thing.

Kids asked dd about her bike and was it true what juvie girl did and she said yes. Juvie girl called my dd's cellphone and threatd the severly hurt her. Ok, that was really stupid because we know enough police officers in this neighborhood and I had a officer that we know listen to it and go over there and have a discussin with juvie girl and her mom. we havent had any trouble since. dd has to ride the bus with girl, but she leaves her alone.

It was a sad thing for dd.

It sounds like you have that situation under control but I have to ask, did you really question the mom as to why she let her dd spray paint something in her own driveway? That just jumped out at me because I'm not sure if you were blaming the mom for the action of her dd because she let her paint a shirt

 

[momrek06]

How much more are teachers and schools supposed to do?

Obviously, we do not have all the facts in the Phoebe Prince case but come on, NINE students bullying her ... that is disgusting. Her family comes to Boston from Ireland and this happens to her. This bullying had to been sooooo horrific for this child to take her life.

I just do not understand that nine students at her school got away with this disturbing behavior day in and day out and the schools did not do anything yet they knew about it.

Makes me so mad and I am still mad about the bullying of Megan Meier by an adult and yet Lori Drew was acquitted.

 

[aristocatz]

Looks like one of the bullies' parents is already saying "Not my child!!"

http://www.bostonherald.com/news/re...cts_mother_my_daughter_never_fought_with_her/

I read about this on our local message board

How much more are teachers and schools supposed to do? They have to teach them, feed them, protect them from each other, from their teachers and from their parents. They must be moral guides, legal guides and educators. They must raise our kids, instill morals and values, and on and on. They aren't supermen. This doesnt mean the schools shouldn't be vigilant and have a no tolerance for certain behaviors.

Rape, assault, etc are legal issues and crimes beyond school bullying and I can bet those didnt happen in front of teachers. Kids who are doing this kind of tormenting aren't going to stop because of a teacher or be stopped by the confines of school property. Its an incredibly sad story that I hope parents can use to bring home good lessons to their children.

I think there must be alot that school systems can do to remedy this. & I think that South Hadley High School had the tools, they just did not use them. After the first case of the young man who killed himself in a town about 20 minutes from there (also bullying), local school systems including South Hadley hired a consultant to come in and speak to staff about instilling a no-tolerance bullying and harrassment policy. She educated them on procedures and policies to incorporate into their programs & this school did not follow through. At the time, they were aware of Phoebe's bullying, the mother had come in to meet with the principal, and we are not talking about a large town here. South Hadley is a very small town & with a small high school.

I think alot of people are to blame here. First and foremost the kids who did the bullying & I hope their futures are completely ruined because of this. Secondly, the school system is at fault. I agree that, as educators, we have alot of responsibilities and we assume alot of roles (I am an educator in a nearby town). But here are the facts: Kids spend at least 30 hours per week at school. It is our job to ensure that they are in a safe zone & that their minds are focused on their learning. As educators, we are also modeling and teaching good values. If I was harrassing a co-worker in the public school I work in, abusing them and/or taking away their ability to focus on their job, action would immediately be taken against me....I would be reprimanded and possibly given corrective action, if not fired (depending on the severity of the abuse I was displaying). At my first day of work in my public school, I signed paper saying I would not engage in sexual harrassment, internet abuse, etc...

During my first year of teaching, I had an altercation with another co-worker-she was very mean and hostile toward me, sabotaged me, and made it very difficult for me to do parts of my job. I went to administration & complained and they took action immediately. Why are the teachers protected against abuse & hostile work environments, but the students are justified??? It makes no sense!

I think they should make every student sign a zero-tolerance bullying statement, hold teachers accountable & take corrective action if a teacher witnessed bullying & does not report it to administration. If a child is caught bullying, they are immediately suspended from school & extra-curricular events and it is noted on their permanent school record. Let colleges see what kind of moral character these students have & let there be long term consequences.

If bullying is suspected, teachers should make themselves present in the hallways at recess, etc. listening and try to catch them in the act-bullies (especially teenage bullies) enjoy an audience so they are not doing the bullying in a discrete 1:1 situation. They often do it in front of a crowd because they enjoy the attention they get from their audience...so it's not that hard to catch them if you want to look. I've definitely caught bullies in one of the schools I work in just by walking down the halls. In addition, hold classes to educate these kids on how to avoid cyberbullying by teaching them how to block Facebook and MySpace "friends", ask their parents to change their cell phone numbers. Involve parents by sending home a copy of the bullying policies at school, so parents are aware that their child will be consequated strictly if they are caught bullying-suspension & data of this on their permanent record, that police will be involved if necessary....this might wake up some parents to take bullying much more seriously. In addition, educate parents on what to do if their child is being bullied. How to block FB accounts, signs of a bullied child, etc...Again, I think that school systems should be the ones reaching out and having these procedures and policies in place.

Apparently, it was common knowledge amongst the school & teachers that this poor girl was being harrassed-right down to her last day of life when she was bullied in her school library and in the hallways:

http://www.bostonherald.com/news/columnists/view.bg?articleid=1243309

My main point is that we are responsible for the well being of these children from the moment they arrive at school till the moment they leave. We are responsible for keeping them safe and focused on their learning. & because relationships are fostered on school grounds, I feel that we are also responsible for modeling and teaching no tolerance for things like this and holding teenagers accountable for their actions, because as these bullies get older and more powerful in knowing they have gotten away with it in the past, they are in for a sorry surprise when they up the anty as adults and it is all of the sudden not tolerated.

& again, if zero-tolerance harrassment policies are instilled in the workplace, why are they not instilled at schools??

Most of the times, verbal abuse & harrassment will cause a much deeper scar than a physical altercation, especially as a teenager. There is just no excuse for school systems not taking this seriously.

As for the parents, I believe they are at fault if they do not take action as soon as they are notified of the bullying. I do believe that there are plenty of parents who have good morals & try to instill that in their children, yet their children get swayed by their social networks to bully. It is when the parents are notified that their kid bullied and did not take immediate action on their child, that the parents are at fault. The parent of the bully in that article is obviously one example of a parent who is not taking responsibiliy & likely the apple did not fall too far from the tree there.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Wow.....

Thanks SO much for that post Aristocatz....

Bless You!

 

[hereyago]

It sounds like you have that situation under control but I have to ask, did you really question the mom as to why she let her dd spray paint something in her own driveway? That just jumped out at me because I'm not sure if you were blaming the mom for the action of her dd because she let her paint a shirt

No I blame the DM for being a spineless mother who let her DD talk to her anyway. I blame the DM for allowing her kid to be out past 9pm that night when she should have been home. The juvie girl told her the shirt was someone else's and the DM apparently thought it was ok as long it was not hers. Sorry but no one spray paints in my driveway near the cars,clothing or other belongings. It is one thing if it is spray painting poster board and the like and away from cars and such. The DM should have taught her DD to respect her things and other people's.

I blame the juvie girl for what she did and the phone message. When I told the DM about the bike, she was like " Girl drama" um no it's called messing with other people's stuff.

 

[aristocatz]

I just do not understand that nine students at her school got away with this disturbing behavior day in and day out and the schools did not do anything yet they knew about it.

Makes me so mad and I am still mad about the bullying of Megan Meier by an adult and yet Lori Drew was acquitted.

I don't understand that either, except I think with bullying, teachers are very used to turning a blind eye or throwing a quick reprimand here & there but not following through on any discipline. Again, we are not talking about a large school district here. South Hadley is a relatively small rural town.

The case of Megan Meier angers me as well. I think that government needs to wake up and get laws into place to stop this ASAP.

Wow.....

Thanks SO much for that post Aristocatz....

Bless You!

Thank you....sorry, I ranted on so long. This stuff just makes me so angry-it is so avoidable & no matter how many times we hear about these things, schools & communities just do not seem to take it seriously! Not sure if it was in any of those links, but those 9 kids who bullied Phoebe were actually allowed to continue attending their current school up until the court trial today!

 

[Tomader]

If this were my daughter and she was being bullied the parent's and the kid or kids would know who I was. I would even home school if I had to! We need really tough laws on this behavior. How sad that a child had to take her life because of behavior like this. I hope everyone of them goes to bed at night and remembers that a girl died because of them. I have two girls that are done with high school. Only one time did my oldest daughter have a problem with a girl. The girl liked a boy that liked my daughter. She harrassed her at school almost everyday. When she finally told me I took care of the problem day 1! The staff in the office knew me well. I also had a group of kids have a "nice" talk with the girl. She never looked or talked to my daughter again. My daughter was a nice girl and became a target for this girl. So as a parent I took matters in my own hands. Never mess with my child. If I had waited for the school to help me who knows what could have happed to my daughter!

 

[bitohoney]

I live in the next town over and have been hearing about this for the past couple of months and was surprised to see it on The Today Show and FoxNews today.
If I were the girls parents it would take a whole hell of a lot of self control to not go have my way with the kids, the parents and the school employees who knew about it.
They are all at fault. But, sadly, sometimes parents aren't aware of how their child is acting at school (in rare cases). Parents need to be there for their kids more.
Parents please spend time with your child no matter how old they are. Talk to them about what's happening in school. Sit down and have dinner with your kids. Don't allow them to eat fast food and junk food all the time. I think the anger and emotions some kids show these days is greatly caused by their diet. So much junk food and parents claim they don't have time for cooking. Well B.S. Make time. What's more important, having your kid do an extra-curricular activity every night of the week or having family time? Families are too busy these days and don't have time for each other.
My daughter is at work right now but I'm waiting until she gets off to have dinner with her, just like I do every night she works (she only works 3 nights a week).
Ok I rambled on too but those kids may have thought it was cool to pick on such a beautiful girl but I bet they're feeling not so cool now.

 

[aristocatz]

I live in the next town over and have been hearing about this for the past couple of months and was surprised to see it on The Today Show and FoxNews today.
If I were the girls parents it would take a whole hell of a lot of self control to not go have my way with the kids, the parents and the school employees who knew about it.
They are all at fault. But, sadly, sometimes parents aren't aware of how their child is acting at school (in rare cases). Parents need to be there for their kids more.
Parents please spend time with your child no matter how old they are. Talk to them about what's happening in school. Sit down and have dinner with your kids. Don't allow them to eat fast food and junk food all the time. I think the anger and emotions some kids show these days is greatly caused by their diet. So much junk food and parents claim they don't have time for cooking. Well B.S. Make time. What's more important, having your kid do an extra-curricular activity every night of the week or having family time? Families are too busy these days and don't have time for each other.
My daughter is at work right now but I'm waiting until she gets off to have dinner with her, just like I do every night she works (she only works 3 nights a week).
Ok I rambled on too but those kids may have thought it was cool to pick on such a beautiful girl but I bet they're feeling not so cool now.

Hi neighbor

What worries me is I wonder if the bullies are in fact "not feeling so cool" right now-especially that one who's mom spoke to the news & said she does not hold her daughter accountable. If the mom is saying her daughter did nothing wrong, than she is likely justifying her daughters actions to her daughter as well I'm guessing the bully is actually feeling like the victim right now, with her mother & likely her lawyers telling her she did nothing wrong. It's so sad when the parents cannot even own up to their kids mistakes-the bully will likely learn nothing from this, thus never changing her behavior in the future

 

[JerseyJanice]

I live in the next town over and have been hearing about this for the past couple of months and was surprised to see it on The Today Show and FoxNews today.
If I were the girls parents it would take a whole hell of a lot of self control to not go have my way with the kids, the parents and the school employees who knew about it.
They are all at fault. But, sadly, sometimes parents aren't aware of how their child is acting at school (in rare cases). Parents need to be there for their kids more.
Parents please spend time with your child no matter how old they are. Talk to them about what's happening in school. Sit down and have dinner with your kids. Don't allow them to eat fast food and junk food all the time. I think the anger and emotions some kids show these days is greatly caused by their diet. So much junk food and parents claim they don't have time for cooking. Well B.S. Make time. What's more important, having your kid do an extra-curricular activity every night of the week or having family time? Families are too busy these days and don't have time for each other.
My daughter is at work right now but I'm waiting until she gets off to have dinner with her, just like I do every night she works (she only works 3 nights a week).
Ok I rambled on too but those kids may have thought it was cool to pick on such a beautiful girl but I bet they're feeling not so cool now.

I must say that while your views are interesting, I'm not sure I can make the connection between eating junk food and becoming a bully.

If this were my daughter and she was being bullied the parent's and the kid or kids would know who I was. I would even home school if I had to! We need really tough laws on this behavior. How sad that a child had to take her life because of behavior like this. I hope everyone of them goes to bed at night and remembers that a girl died because of them. I have two girls that are done with high school. Only one time did my oldest daughter have a problem with a girl. The girl liked a boy that liked my daughter. She harrassed her at school almost everyday. When she finally told me I took care of the problem day 1! The staff in the office knew me well. I also had a group of kids have a "nice" talk with the girl. She never looked or talked to my daughter again. My daughter was a nice girl and became a target for this girl. So as a parent I took matters in my own hands. Never mess with my child. If I had waited for the school to help me who knows what could have happed to my daughter!

Sadly, I read the whole article linked, and one thing that jumped out at me was how little it sounds like the deceased child's parents did to protect her.

Am I the only mother who peruses her kid's text messages to make sure things are O.K.? If I found a threatening text message in my kid's cell phone, I would be all over it. I'd be monitoring his computer usage and if I found anything similar there, you can bet I'd do everything in my power to stop it.

There is plenty of blame to go around in this case, and not all of it should be on the school.

 

[wilderness01]

I must say that while your views are interesting, I'm not sure I can make the connection between being eating junk food and becoming a bully.



Sadly, I read the whole article linked, and one thing that jumped out at me was how little it sounds like the deceased child's parents did to protect her.

Am I the only mother who peruses her kid's text messages to make sure things are O.K.? If I found a threatening text message in my kid's cell phone, I would be all over it. I'd be monitoring his computer usage and if I found anything similar there, you can bet I'd do everything in my power to stop it.

There is plenty of blame to go around in this case, and not all of it should be on the school.

No, you are not. I monitor all the time, mostly due to the fact that my child did get bullied before and I want to make sure everything is on the up and up. Some parents think this is invading their privacy, I don't however, and will continue to monitor as long as I have to.

 

[JerseyJanice]

No, you are not. I monitor all the time, mostly due to the fact that my child did get bullied before and I want to make sure everything is on the up and up. Some parents think this is invading their privacy, I don't however, and will continue to monitor as long as I have to.

I monitor my kid a lot more than he realizes. I don't want to hover over all his interactions, but I keep an eye out to make sure he's not being bullied or doing any bullying either. Even good kids can get caught up by what "everyone at school is saying." I wonder if that's what happened with some of those nine kids who were arrested. That's an awful lot of kids to be teasing one person, and it seems that none of the parents here had a clue.