Teenage Bullying-What do we do?

[frndshpcptn]

Sometimes these people are also complicit in their own abuse, like sending naked pictures of themselves. That is stupid no matter what age you are. How would anyone be surprised when that comes back to bite them. Once something is online or out in the world it is there forever. That is the kind of thing kids need to realize and that is the job of the parents, not the schools. Unless the pictures are actually being shown in school their authority ends at their doors as far as I am concerned.

I completely disagree with this.

Making a stupid mistake doesn't give ANYONE the right to take that mistake and turn it into torment or abuse. It doesn't make that person complicit in the abusive action that follows.

Yes, kids should be more aware and try and make better decisions. But they don't. They are young and dumb and a lot of times do these things just to be liked by others.

We need to find a way to get a handle on this. It's been happening as long as there have been public schools. I don't know what the solution is - but I'm now thinking maybe I can help somehow to figure it out. There must be councils or think tanks that have funds commited to this type of research?

 

[aristocatz]

Sadly, I read the whole article linked, and one thing that jumped out at me was how little it sounds like the deceased child's parents did to protect her.

Am I the only mother who peruses her kid's text messages to make sure things are O.K.? If I found a threatening text message in my kid's cell phone, I would be all over it. I'd be monitoring his computer usage and if I found anything similar there, you can bet I'd do everything in my power to stop it.

There is plenty of blame to go around in this case, and not all of it should be on the school.

Just wanted to add that the parents were very concerned about the bullying. They went to the school on a number of occassions and spoke to two different school administrators about this. They asked for help, intervention, and support and sadly they received none. As for the text messages and internet abuse, it is unclear if the parents knew about the cyberbullying before her death. Someone I know from that town told me that the parents had mentioned that they were not quite sure how to handle this whole thing. They had said that in Ireland they never experienced these issues.

I agree that it is not only the school to blame here, but the school system was in a perfect position to intervene. They are the link between the victim and the bullies and apparently, the majority of the bullying was going on on school grounds.

 

[aristocatz]

I completely disagree with this.

Making a stupid mistake doesn't give ANYONE the right to take that mistake and turn it into torment or abuse. It doesn't make that person complicit in the abusive action that follows.

Yes, kids should be more aware and try and make better decisions. But they don't. They are young and dumb and a lot of times do these things just to be liked by others.

We need to find a way to get a handle on this. It's been happening as long as there have been public schools. I don't know what the solution is - but I'm now thinking maybe I can help somehow to figure it out. There must be councils or think tanks that have funds commited to this type of research?

I think the best way to help out would be to attend your local school system's PTA meetings or school council meetings. Also, contact your school district's superintendent's office and find out what their current policies are on bullying.

 

[aristocatz]

Sometimes these people are also complicit in their own abuse, like sending naked pictures of themselves. That is stupid no matter what age you are. How would anyone be surprised when that comes back to bite them. Once something is online or out in the world it is there forever. That is the kind of thing kids need to realize and that is the job of the parents, not the schools. Unless the pictures are actually being shown in school their authority ends at their doors as far as I am concerned.

It is true that the parents should educate their kids not to do these stupid things, but unfortunately not all parents are educated enough, involved enough, or responsible enough to do this.

Kids should not have to be punished with ignorance just because their parents are. Again, the school system is the most logical environment to be reinforcing these morals. Like it or not, teachers are mentors for their students. Part of our jobs is to teach character education & this is incorporated into curricula starting from preschool way up until high school graduation. I'm not saying we should be substitutes for the parents, but I feel that we do have a moral obligation to educate in all areas & provide guidance when parents do not....and there are ALOT of parents out there who just don't know any better or don't care.

I work for a large poor urban school district. I don't witness a whole lot of bullying, but we do have alot of students with significant family issues-drug addict/alcoholic parents, single parents who work more than they see their kid, spousal abuse, child abuse, homelessness, neglect, and just plain uninvolved parents. At the very least, we intervene because these issues affect our students' ability to learn, but really we intervene because we feel that it is our obligations as teachers to help these students have a chance at success in life.

 

[themilesfamily]

What I would do if my child was bullied -- i.e. stalked, harrassed, tormented, etc.

1) Report it to the police. If someone was stalking, harrassing and tormenting me as an adult, you'd be darned tootin' the police would be involved -- why should it be any different for a child who's even more defenseless? And sometimes if you're dealing with a bully whose whole family is dysfunctional, it's all those people understand and take seriously.

2) If the problem became so severe and it didn't appear that school/police/family intervention was going to make a difference, I would move, move to a new school district, and/or homeschool. (We already homeschool, so that's kind of a moot point for us.)

Severe long-term bullying can trigger depression, low self-esteem, and even suicide. It's nothing to take lightly.

 

[aristocatz]

I just wanted to share an excerpt from one of the posts on our local message boards that sort of sums up the situation. "Sayer" is the superintendent. I agree with this poster that many school officials and employees need to be fired. The poor girl didn't stand a chance & this whole thing just breaks my heart

"What you fail to understand is that she DID try to find another way out. She went to her mother and her mother spoke with school officials and they failed to do anything. They ignored her. They said it was an 'adjustment' problem. Sayer and his cronies stood firmly behind the bullies and let them know by their inaction that their actions were welcome and accepted. The teacher who observed the harassment in the library did nothing. Phoebe was used by the boys who told her that there was only ONE WAY she could be accepted and then they smeared her name over the whole campus. Then the girls told her to go kill herself, that she would not be missed.

Phoebe's death should be on ALL their consciences. The bullies, the boys who used her, Sayer, the principal, the teachers, the guidance department - all of them - need to think about this for the rest of their lives.

The South Hadley School Committee is part of this despicable act. They didn't have the guts to fire Sayer, who LIED to all of us. He LIED through his teeth. He said no one knew what was going on until a couple days before Phoebe's death. He said that the little thugs were no longer in school, yet they continued to attend their schools up until Monday.

South Hadley does not need a LYING BULLY-ENABLER leading its school system.

The good people of South Hadley - and there are a lot of them - need to take action. VOTE THEM ALL OUT."

 

[momrek06]

I live in the next town over and have been hearing about this for the past couple of months and was surprised to see it on The Today Show and FoxNews today.

I live in San Deigo, CA and it was "Breaking News" here as they reported the
9 students being charged with Phoebe's death. This is the first I had heard about it BUT it is now all over the country AS IT SHOULD BE. This bullying crap HAS TO STOP.

Yes, and I watch the TODAY show and they have been covering it quite in depth.

 

[Bluestars]

What I would do if my child was bullied -- i.e. stalked, harrassed, tormented, etc.

1) Report it to the police. If someone was stalking, harrassing and tormenting me as an adult, you'd be darned tootin' the police would be involved -- why should it be any different for a child who's even more defenseless? And sometimes if you're dealing with a bully whose whole family is dysfunctional, it's all those people understand and take seriously.

2) If the problem became so severe and it didn't appear that school/police/family intervention was going to make a difference, I would move, move to a new school district, and/or homeschool. (We already homeschool, so that's kind of a moot point for us.)

Severe long-term bullying can trigger depression, low self-esteem, and even suicide. It's nothing to take lightly.

That's exactly what I would do. I would report it and do everything to get it to stop. If I was unsuccessful, I would take my child out of the school. There is no way I would send my child to school day after day to be bullied to the point of possible suicide.

Every time I read about a young person committing suicide, it is heartbreaking.

 

[aristocatz]

There is no way I would send my child to school day after day to be bullied to the point of possible suicide.

Every time I read about a young person committing suicide, it is heartbreaking.

What worries me is how do you know when your teen has reached the point of possible suicide??
Sometimes the signs are there, but sometimes not. I don't have children yet but when I do, I fear the teenage years....mostly because I remember when I was a teenager and my own mom had no clue about half of the grief I went through. The bullying I experienced I never really talked to my parents about. I was ashamed and embarrassed.

I'm wondering how much Phoebe's parents knew about the bullying-if they were aware of the severity.

 

[JerseyJanice]

As much as I agree that school districts should work to stop bullying and intervene when they witness a student being harassed by other students, I feel like we should see what plays out in court in this case.

If nine students were charged, that means the parents of nine different children weren't paying much attention to what their kids were doing. That is really sad.

I find it interesting, though, that this case was first publicized in the media as a cyberbullying incident, but now they're saying most of the bullying took place on school grounds. I think we have to see how the trial goes; I'm not going to be quick to condemn anyone in this case (i.e., the kids charged, their parents and school personnel) until I've heard more evidence.

 

[honugirl]

Don't think that bullying ends when you get out of school either... adults can be just as bad. Especially when you have illness, injury, or handicap. I oughta know... It sucks, but it's a part of life that I have to live with.

 

[aristocatz]

As much as I agree that school districts should work to stop bullying and intervene when they witness a student being harassed by other students, I feel like we should see what plays out in court in this case.

If nine students were charged, that means the parents of nine different children weren't paying much attention to what their kids were doing. That is really sad.

I find it interesting, though, that this case was first publicized in the media as a cyberbullying incident, but now they're saying most of the bullying took place on school grounds. I think we have to see how the trial goes; I'm not going to be quick to condemn anyone in this case (i.e., the kids charged, their parents and school personnel) until I've heard more evidence.

It was actually in the local news since January & described as bullying at school as well as on the internet (though mostly at school). I think once it hit national media (or even media outside from my area of the state), the media heard that cyberbullying was involved and since this is a newer phenomenon and was in the news with Megan Meier, they showcased that part of it.

Don't think that bullying ends when you get out of school either... adults can be just as bad. Especially when you have illness, injury, or handicap. I oughta know... It sucks, but it's a part of life that I have to live with.

 

[shelly3girls]

to blame the public school system as a whole is ridiculous. Yes, in many cases the bullying is brought to the attention of the teachers/administrators, but unless the bullying actions are conducted in front of the adults, it is a matter of hearsay.

Several teachers came forward after her suicide stating they saw the bullying. One of the articles I read said that evidence used to charge the bullies came from teachers and peers.

 

[aristocatz]

Several teachers came forward after her suicide stating they saw the bullying. One of the articles I read said that evidence used to charge the bullies came from teachers and peers.

Yup, a week before her death there was a public altercation in the cafeteria (where several faculty members are present for lunch duty). A few of her peers tried to stick up for her but apparently the bully was too strong. Eyewitnesses said that Phoebe just sat there with her head down-did not even try to fight back. Even on the last day of her life, she was bullied in front of a faculty member in the library and no disciplinary action was taken. According to several townspeople, her bullying was actually common knowledge around the school during the months before her death. This girl was bullied on a daily basis for at least 3 months.

 

[Pikester]

This whole thing just makes me so sad.

I was bullied in 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th and a few times my Freshman year. I've always been quiet and a little shy so I guess I appeared weak. My Mother went to the school in 6th and there was a meeting with the teachers, my Mother and the girls Mother but nothing really stopped until this girl moved away in the 8th grade. She came back in 9th grade and tried to start up again but I told her off. Never bothered me after that.

There were other times that not so nice things were said to me but I could never understand why. I never bothered anyone but for some reason a few other kids took pleasure in being hateful.

I pray that my boys never have to go through what I did which is nothing compared to what Phoebe had to go through.

My thoughts and prayers go out to Phoebe's family.

 

[aristocatz]

There were other times that not so nice things were said to me but I could never understand why. I never bothered anyone but for some reason a few other kids took pleasure in being hateful.

I pray that my boys never have to go through what I did which is nothing compared to what Phoebe had to go through.

My thoughts and prayers go out to Phoebe's family.

I'm sorry for what you went through I had a bully too. We were friends in the 2nd grade, but then she got jealous of my friendship with a mutual friend and bullied me, then tried to be my friend again & would pretend to be my friend but then turn on me. It continued off & on until 6th grade when she was just plain cruel to me-that was my worst year ever all because of her. She bullied me as a way of moving up the social ladder to being popular. I remember, as a 6th grader, I was contemplating suicide. I also met my best friend that year & if it were not for her, I'm not sure I would have survived.

This girl also preyed on the fact that I was quiet & shy & came off as weak. As we grew up, she fixated her life on trying to be in good with the popular crowd. She became quite premiscuous & just plain mean to anyone who was socially below where she wanted to be.

I'm sure you did nothing wrong as a child & nothing to warrant any bullying toward you. I think that for most bullies, it's not actually about how much they hate you, but more about how much they hate themselves. They make others feel like they do on the inside and feed off of that to feel better about themselves.

My bully, by the way, recently tried to "friend" me on Facebook. I laughed when I saw the invite (and then put it on ignore) because it was so obvious that she friended me because she saw my name on other people's pages and was just looking to increase the number of her "friends"....some people never change lol.

 

[Mary•Poppins]

I think the there shouldn't be any "child privacy rights" for these children OR their parents! Their names should be plastered all over the papers, internet, etc. ..... and "bullied" just like they did to this poor girl.


I think there are a lot of people to blame .... but the BLAME mostly resides with the parents. Being a teacher, I find that the children who are the "bullies" come from parents who either don't want to hear the truth (not my child) or truly don't want to put the effort into parenting their own child. Their child rules their house!

It is a sad, sad world we live in sometimes. I pray that something good can arise from this horrific event.

 

[dancingdisneygirl]

I'm a couple of towns over from South Hadley and it's been on my mind since it happened. I too was bulllied in high school and have been dealing with it since then. I've been to therapy and I think I've overcome a lot of it, but it sucks. People who haven't been bullied really don't understand the pain in causes. It's such a sad story that probably could have been prevented.

 

[MrsPete]

I am not well informed on this tragedy, but I don't understand a couple things:

WHY if her parents were concerned enough to go to the school twice, WHY when they didn't see improvement didn't they go farther? To the county office? To the school board? To the media?

If they couldn't get any help from the school system, why didn't they pull her out of that school? Give her a new start in a different school, a smaller school, even homeschool?

WHY, if she was raped, weren't the police involved? And do I understand she was raped by TWO boys? Certainly that didn't happen at school. How did she get into this situation more than once? Or was she raped by the two boys on the same occasion?

Just HOW can you be cyber-bullied? If someone's being mean to you on a given site (say, Facebook), why would you continue to go back there to read more mean stuff? Why not avoid that place? Why purposefully walk back into it day after day?

What kind of things were happening to her in the cafeteria and in the library? The term bullying can cover a wide variety of sins.

Regardless, sounds like a number of people failed this girl.


And a comment, not really with much of a point:

My youngest daughter has been a victim of bullies -- always minor things, it seems wrong to put it in the same category as what this poor girl went through. My daughter -- like many kids in this situation -- both hates it and courts it. She wants the attention of these kids, and when they're being nice, she plays into their hands. She can't understand that they're just building up amunition, which they'll use against her in the future! Or one girl'll be nice when everyone else isn't around. She plays into it, giving them just what they want.

Actually, my daughter's doing much, much better these days. I think she's showing some maturity and is learning not to be a victim.

 

[aristocatz]

I am not well informed on this tragedy, but I don't understand a couple things:

WHY if her parents were concerned enough to go to the school twice, WHY when they didn't see improvement didn't they go farther? To the county office? To the school board? To the media?

I'm not sure the answer to this, but the family moved here from Ireland less than a year ago. It might be that they were not aware of what to do. The school might have also told them they were dealing with it. That school system has lied a few times about this case over the past few months to cover their a--

If they couldn't get any help from the school system, why didn't they pull her out of that school? Give her a new start in a different school, a smaller school, even homeschool?

Both parent worked full time. Her 12 year old sister is the one that found her dead after school & called the parents at work. Homeschooling would not have been an option for them.

WHY, if she was raped, weren't the police involved? And do I understand she was raped by TWO boys? Certainly that didn't happen at school. How did she get into this situation more than once? Or was she raped by the two boys on the same occasion?

It was statutory rape. From the local message boards, it seems that it was not *rape* but two older boys had sex with her on two separate occassions and then slandered her & bullied her. It's listed as statutory rape because they were teenagers.

Just HOW can you be cyber-bullied? If someone's being mean to you on a given site (say, Facebook), why would you continue to go back there to read more mean stuff? Why not avoid that place? Why purposefully walk back into it day after day?

The victim was only 15 years old. I'm not sure she knew enough to do that. The bullies also set up hate websites about her, separate from FB. Even if she didn't visit the website (though I'm sure she did out of temptation), she would have still heard about it.

What kind of things were happening to her in the cafeteria and in the library? The term bullying can cover a wide variety of sins.

From what I read on local sites, she was ridiculed, pushed, spit on, threatened, & things thrown at her.

Regardless, sounds like a number of people failed this girl.

I agree

And a comment, not really with much of a point:

My youngest daughter has been a victim of bullies -- always minor things, it seems wrong to put it in the same category as what this poor girl went through. My daughter -- like many kids in this situation -- both hates it and courts it. She wants the attention of these kids, and when they're being nice, she plays into their hands. She can't understand that they're just building up amunition, which they'll use against her in the future! Or one girl'll be nice when everyone else isn't around. She plays into it, giving them just what they want.

Actually, my daughter's doing much, much better these days. I think she's showing some maturity and is learning not to be a victim.

I put my responses above in red.