Teen daughter - vent

[robinb]

OP, I would see if you can find a middle schooler to pick up your middle child from the bus and walk them home. Many kids start babysitting at 11 or 12 and would jump at the chance to make $30 a week for 3 hours of work. They could shadow your DD for a couple of weeks before they do it on their own. Let your DD know that her allowance will be cut so you can afford the sitter and she can work where she wants.

It’s important to let kids have independence now while still in HS so they have a soft place to land when they mess up. Too many kids crash and burn in college.

FWIW, I totally understand the frustration of paying for everything and getting no thank you in return. We bought my DD 2 cars, paid for insurance, paid for her education at a large university and gave her a monthly stipend to pay for room and board. At 22 she is *just* starting to realize the gift we gave her. She is now appreciative of what we gave done for her and is thankful of our offer to also pay for grad school. It may take a few years before your DD matures enough to understand the sacrifices you and your husband have made for her.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

“Do it all”?!? Did you even read her posts. The teen ”watches” her brother for a TOTAL of 1hr per week and gets 40bucks. I don’t know of many teen jobs that pay 40 dollars an hour. Watching the sibling isn’t the only barrier to getting an after school job. She also has iffy grades an no transportation. But yeah, that teen should really get out and get out quick. Good grief, what a horrible and offensive thing to say.

Again you and I rarely see eye to eye just how it is.

 

[PinkPixel]

I have read the responses and really tried think clearly about this very every angle.

When DD woke up I tried to be as calm as possible while discussing this. I told her she is free to apply to whatever job she can get that she can get to on her own. Unless I quit my job we are still going to have an issue of how she gets to work before 4. We have a Dunkin Donuts she could walk to a mile away, however when we mentioned it in the fall as an option she said no way. She doesn’t know how to make coffee and its open too early. She’s not waking up that early.

Her friends at the daycare get driven by their parents. DD said she can get a ride with one of them. If it was her friends driving sure. I don’t really feel comfortable with DD getting job and expecting someone else’s parents to bring her every week. I did say if that’s what she really wants to do she can apply in the spring and bike there. She isn’t biking in the winter on a busy road with no sidewalks.

Once she gets a car this summer she can work as she chooses. She will be responsible for part of the insurance on that car. I only have so much money and can’t afford everything.

I keep seeing that DD isn’t able to do what she wants bc she picks up DS. That just isn’t the case. She was in 2 clubs this year. Those ended last month. She walked home and was still home before DS got home. If she wasn’t able to get home on time we would make other arrangements. She picks him up bc she is home, she is not home bc she has to pick him up. Even if he goes to after school care she will still be home. I guess I’m just cheap and don’t see the need for after school for DS when she is home.

She had signed up for a CNA course for next semester (was thinking of Nursing as career) DS would have gone to after school care no problem.
I asked her a few weeks ago when it started so I could sign him up and she dropped it. Doesn’t want to be a nurse.

As far as the weekend shifts overlapping after looking at the calendar she maybe actually watches them 1 hour every 2-3 months. I work every 3 weekend, DH every 4 weekend. I try to switch my weekends with coworkers to avoid overlapping with DH. This does not interfere will anything for her. She went away for a weekend with a friend and DH just took the kids to work for an hour. If she was not home in bed she wouldn’t watch them. No one has every said she needs to change her plans to watch them for that hour. She lays in bed while they watch cartoons. I guess I could pay her $125 an hour to do that but at that point I might as well quit my job.

I will come up with an actual hourly rate for the rare occasion she watches the kids like yesterday. It is pretty rare as I tend to take most school holidays off and DH and I split vacations they are home. Yesterday was a rare day we couldn’t get off.

We are fully aware that when college starts she won’t be watching them.

Dh and I have been married 20 years and all 3 kids are ours. DH grew up poor. His parents had no money. He has been working since he was able to. He paid his insurance, bought his own car, paid for his clothes, tools for trade school. Didn’t get to go college and joined the Marine Corp to build a life for himself. His thoughts aren’t too far from mine however he probably leans a bit more towards if she doesn’t like it maybe she can join the Marines

No offense, but you’re moving the goal posts. That would drive me crazy if I was your DD. You said she didn’t have a way to get to the job and it turns out she does. (Which was assumed since she felt confident enough to ask to apply and has friends working there) What does it matter if she hitches a ride? She’s being resourceful. My parents grew up poor and my dad hunted squirrel on occasion and not for fun. He would have never have told me to join the Marines if it wasn’t what I believed in or wanted for my future.

 

[dez1978]

I'm not talking about the act of watching a kid vs a job. I'm saying having all of what the daughter has had thrown at her and saying she had it easy.

Every kid is different if if the kid was like me boy those babysitters deserved so much for dealing with my rambunctious self lol. In this situation with the OP most of us can see that the OP (and they've even explicitly stated it) is using their eldest for childcare (if the eldest couldn't watch then the 7 year old would have to go to daycare quite the burden on the 17 year old and that's just 1 thing). It's not occasional hey watch your sibling please, it's an expectation one that if the eldest couldn't do it would throw the OP and her husband into a tailspin (that's an exaggeration but sorta comes off that way). I couldn't in good conscious say this 17 year old had it easy with the burden placed on her.

Its 2 hours a week.... come on... it's not like shes doing it every single day for several hours. you act like she's a full time nanny cooking meals and going all out. she's sitting around her own house with her own sibling at most getting him a snack and turning the tv on. He's pretty self sufficient at 7. It's not like she's picking up an infant and getting bottles and changing diapers.

 

[dreamin_disney]

I’m sure she can find a part time job that pays more than $40 a week! Jobs also look good on college applications, and later on, it’s much easier to get a job when you’ve already had a job and have references.

my daughter started subbing in August and has worked every school day since. She went to three different schools and the third school asked her to do a 2-3 week job. Then put her as a residential sub. They mentioned after winter break she would be a guest teacher. There haven’t been any open positions at that school until recently. Sounds like they really want her to work there so fingers crossed. She has worked hard and showed them what she can do. They are impressed by her she just turned 23 so she was 22 when she started.

….I don’t think this is the take you think it is.
My friends who had everything paid for by their parents and never had a job in HS/college had a VERY rough time in the real world after graduation: hard time finding entry-level positions bc other candidates had experience/qualifications they didn’t, and once they could find something couldn’t keep it because of spoiled attitudes at work and inability to make professional connections with superiors and colleagues. Maybe your child is the exception and not the rule, I hope for their sake that’s the case.

Even though we did a lot for our daughter she wasn’t spoiled. At 4 I took her to open up a saving account. Every deposit change, a couple dollars or bday that was deposited she got to show her receipt to get a prize from the bank treasure box. At age 18 she had $1500.00 and she still has it in the bank.

I thought she would have a difficult time get a job because she didn’t have any experience. I always hoped they would see she was a good hard working student and in tennis and track that shows she could keep up her grades and was responsible.

Her first job was subbing August/Sept $150 a day. October residential sub $170 a day. Nov/December pay raise $230 a day I believe. Hopefully she get hired in the next month or two and her pay will go up again. Pretty good for only turning 23 a few weeks ago

she has about $9500 saved in one account which will go to student loan. We‘e gone out to Dinner or shopping and she won’t let us pay. For Christmas she gifted hubby and I two dinner gift card $75 each restaurant so hubby and I can go out to dinner on a date. My heart melted because I told her I would have been fine with a hug

Good luck to all because times are tough for many

 

[AndreaA]

Its 2 hours a week.... come on... it's not like shes doing it every single day for several hours. you act like she's a full time nanny cooking meals and going all out. she's sitting around her own house with her own sibling at most getting him a snack and turning the tv on. He's pretty self sufficient at 7. It's not like she's picking up an infant and getting bottles and changing diapers.

Yeah, I do NOT understand all the people feeling that this girl is some put-upon Cinderella. Good grief, she is doing almost NOTHING that she wouldn’t be doing anyway. Oh boo-hoo, she can’t get her “dream job” goofing off with her friends watching SOMEONE ELSE’S kids rather than her one sibling. I can almost guarantee that if her friends suddenly quit, she wouldn’t want to work there either.

She was in clubs/activities until recently, so she’s not being ”held back” from doing what she wants, just from this one specific job. She’s got about 6months left before she can do whatever she pleases. I think she’ll survive…

People are acting as if parents should just be servants for their kids and let them do whatever they please once they hit the teen years. My kids are spoiled and even I don’t think that way. WOW.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

If it was her friends driving sure. I don’t really feel comfortable with DD getting job and expecting someone else’s parents to bring her every week. I did say if that’s what she really wants to do she can apply in the spring and bike there. She isn’t biking in the winter on a busy road with no sidewalks.

So she found out a transportation and you blocked it.

You told her she could only get it in spring because?

We have a Dunkin Donuts she could walk to a mile away, however when we mentioned it in the fall as an option she said no way.

She couldn't bike on a busy road with no sidewalks in the winter but she could walk to DD in the fall. Is this DD on a path with a sidewalk?

Once she gets a car this summer she can work as she chooses.

But you told us before that you said she could get a job in September. Now you're saying she can get it in the summer.

I agree with the moving goal posts. It sounded liked that from other comments. It's not that I think you're being dishonest but I do think some backtracking it being done. I don't think any one of us thinks your daughter is a perfect angel but she's not some horrible teen either and you're not a horrible parent either but you are being unfair to her IMO.

If she wasn’t able to get home on time we would make other arrangements.

So why don't you do this? Start now easing off and downgrading the amount of time she's taking care of the siblings. In my family we have a pride flaw. The flaw is unless we're dying on the streets we won't ask for help..joking but honestly not. Help is always available in the family but we just don't like to ask for it. I think we're all raised to just do it ourselves. But really there's a time and place for that. Right now what you've been doing has placed an unfair burden on your teen. It's time to ease up on that. You can arrange other childcare you can do but you've leaned into your daughter instead. And because you got comfortable with this it's hard to imagine if she takes a job that no longer allows for the flexibility in just telling her you need to take care of your siblings for this time. I think you're stressed and burned out but your daughter may also be stressed and burned out just in a different way. Boundaries come in all shapes and right now you've blurred the lines here.

 

[MakiraMarlena]

the job is off the table, and it's not because of the siblings, it's because she doesn't have transportation. If her parents don't want her catching a ride with friends' parents, that's up to them. That part is reasonable.

 

[AndreaA]

the job is off the table, and it's not because of the siblings, it's because she doesn't have transportation. If her parents don't want her catching a ride with friends' parents, that's up to them. That part is reasonable.

Yes, very reasonable. What happens if friend is sick or goes on vacation or quits? Their friend’s parents still have to bring their daughter’s random friend to work?

Honestly I still can’t get over the number of people who think this 17yr old is being taken advantage of and ill-used for having to help her family (and get paid!!) a minimal amount of time per week. I’m sure that there are plenty of kids out there who aren’t allowed to get a weekday job just as a matter of course due to parents’ beliefs that schoolwork should be prioritized. But yeah, this girl is having her independence stifled and her whole life ruined because she can’t work at some daycare…

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Its 2 hours a week.... come on... it's not like shes doing it every single day for several hours. you act like she's a full time nanny cooking meals and going all out. she's sitting around her own house with her own sibling at most getting him a snack and turning the tv on. He's pretty self sufficient at 7. It's not like she's picking up an infant and getting bottles and changing diapers.

At every turn there's a block to getting out of the situation they were placed it. There's a 7 AND a 4 year old too and I'm not sure it just started really recently (could be wrong about that). Not sure where the 4 year old is most of the time but it is that they are also responsible for them too when they are told. It's not a time measurement here that conversation tended to be around compensation.

I'm coming at it from a perspective of opportunities, of individuality, of independence and outside responsibilities. Right now the only thing the teen gets here is to be the daycare provider for her siblings and I don't think that makes her have it easy. She can't get a job realistically to pay for things, her parents use the good 'ole "I'm paying for things" (and write it down here that in return.. There's quite a lot of posters who share the sentiment regarding the load the teen has with respects to being a caretaker of their siblings, that's what I meant by talking about having it easy.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

the job is off the table, and it's not because of the siblings, it's because she doesn't have transportation. If her parents don't want her catching a ride with friends' parents, that's up to them. That part is reasonable.

You're right the job is off the table because when others are mentioned there's a reason told by the parents where it won't work or it has to be just the right time of the year..

 

[DisneyJamieCA]

I have read the responses and really tried think clearly about this very every angle.

When DD woke up I tried to be as calm as possible while discussing this. I told her she is free to apply to whatever job she can get that she can get to on her own. Unless I quit my job we are still going to have an issue of how she gets to work before 4. We have a Dunkin Donuts she could walk to a mile away, however when we mentioned it in the fall as an option she said no way. She doesn’t know how to make coffee and its open too early. She’s not waking up that early.

Her friends at the daycare get driven by their parents. DD said she can get a ride with one of them. If it was her friends driving sure. I don’t really feel comfortable with DD getting job and expecting someone else’s parents to bring her every week. I did say if that’s what she really wants to do she can apply in the spring and bike there. She isn’t biking in the winter on a busy road with no sidewalks.

Once she gets a car this summer she can work as she chooses. She will be responsible for part of the insurance on that car. I only have so much money and can’t afford everything.

I keep seeing that DD isn’t able to do what she wants bc she picks up DS. That just isn’t the case. She was in 2 clubs this year. Those ended last month. She walked home and was still home before DS got home. If she wasn’t able to get home on time we would make other arrangements. She picks him up bc she is home, she is not home bc she has to pick him up. Even if he goes to after school care she will still be home. I guess I’m just cheap and don’t see the need for after school for DS when she is home.

She had signed up for a CNA course for next semester (was thinking of Nursing as career) DS would have gone to after school care no problem.
I asked her a few weeks ago when it started so I could sign him up and she dropped it. Doesn’t want to be a nurse.

As far as the weekend shifts overlapping after looking at the calendar she maybe actually watches them 1 hour every 2-3 months. I work every 3 weekend, DH every 4 weekend. I try to switch my weekends with coworkers to avoid overlapping with DH. This does not interfere will anything for her. She went away for a weekend with a friend and DH just took the kids to work for an hour. If she was not home in bed she wouldn’t watch them. No one has every said she needs to change her plans to watch them for that hour. She lays in bed while they watch cartoons. I guess I could pay her $125 an hour to do that but at that point I might as well quit my job.

I will come up with an actual hourly rate for the rare occasion she watches the kids like yesterday. It is pretty rare as I tend to take most school holidays off and DH and I split vacations they are home. Yesterday was a rare day we couldn’t get off.

We are fully aware that when college starts she won’t be watching them.

Dh and I have been married 20 years and all 3 kids are ours. DH grew up poor. His parents had no money. He has been working since he was able to. He paid his insurance, bought his own car, paid for his clothes, tools for trade school. Didn’t get to go college and joined the Marine Corp to build a life for himself. His thoughts aren’t too far from mine however he probably leans a bit more towards if she doesn’t like it maybe she can join the Marines

So she found a solution to the transportation problem and you still told her no? This very much seems like a control thing at this point.

 

[pinkxray]

LOL. Man, you guys are rough. I freely admitted that after reading this thread changed my mind. If DD wants a job, get a job. I will not depend on her friends parents to drive her. That’s weird to me. I would not like it if DD asked me to drive her friend to work 2 times a week indefinitely.

We had originally said Sept. but there really is no reason she can’t do what she wants over the summer. Both kids will be in daycare and she will be free from my grasp. Ok, maybe I am moving the goal post. I am trying to give her what she wants.
She is able to get a job right now if she wants provided she can get there. Spring opens many options since then she can bike. Summer opens many more once she gets a car. I don’t really know how else to compromise with her.
For now her options are still limited to working after DH gets home or the 4 days a week I don’t work. I am not letting her bike in the winter. I’d rather have her resent me sitting at home than biking in the ice on winter roads.

 

[MakiraMarlena]

parents offered her alternate jobs that she could get to, but she's rejecting those, which seems like she wants to work with her friends. That's understandable, but if she can't get there then she can't get there.

It's tough to be a teenager sometimes and it's tough to be the parents of a teenager sometimes. we aren't hearing from the daughter but mom has a lot on her plate and seems to think that daughter doesn't want to help out, and mom is resentful and maybe the daughter is too. that stuff won't work out well on either side

 

[mjkacmom]

No offense, but you’re moving the goal posts. That would drive me crazy if I was your DD. You said she didn’t have a way to get to the job and it turns out she does. (Which was assumed since she felt confident enough to ask to apply and has friends working there) What does it matter if she hitches a ride? She’s being resourceful. My parents grew up poor and my dad hunted squirrel on occasion and not for fun. He would have never have told me to join the Marines if it wasn’t what I believed in or wanted for my future.

As a SAHM to 5 I drove other people’s kids on a daily basis, was at aftercare checking them out to go to dance almost daily for many years, with so many kids my entire life was a crazy carpool, and I benefited a lot from other parents driving as well. No need for a bunch of parents to transport these kids from the same spot to the same spot. I remember early on DH picking our oldest up from a birthday party complaining about why all of her friends’ parents were in cars behind each other when one parent from our neighborhood could’ve grabbed them all (and he was always happy to drive everyone, we had 2 minivans).

 

[sasywtch]

I'm thinking I must be the mean parent after reading the responses. I had two older and two younger kids. It was a given that the two older stayed home for 30 minutes after school until I got home. My daughter did it more as my son was in sports. They did their homework and then when I got home, they went out to do whatever they did with friends. My daughter did volunteer at the library on weekends and son got a bagger job at the market on weekends when they were 17. They could walk there as they did not have rides. I don't consider it babysitting or being a nanny as it now called. It was family helping each other. The daughter wants a job at daycare because that's where her friends are. She was given an option for weekend work but she just wants her own way because of her friends. Sometimes life isn't fair and you don't get to do what your friends are doing. There was an option given. 20 minutes three times a week and an hour a month is nothing. I asked my two older kids and they don't even remember having to watch their sister/brother. Now, if it's like that old show on tv (not to be mentioned as I hated it) where the older kids took complete upbringing of the younger ones, that is a definite no. It sort of baffles me that people are okay with a 17 year old dictating life. Having to help take care of family is a life lesson. I never wanted my kids to work because I felt their work was going to school and getting good grades. It was their decision to work/volunteer which they did on the time they could around school work and family obligations. I'm going to have to call them now to see if I was mean LOL They were not impaired regarding financial. Actually they did better than I ever did. They all worked during college, paid their own college, got their first car.

 

[DisneyJamieCA]

I have learned my lesson. Will never happen again. I have been looking to find a new avatar here and I think I found an appropriate one.
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Please do not make yourself the victim here. It really doesn’t lead to honest conversation.

You asked for opinions and even yourself shared your were surprised people didn’t side with you. So that’s clearly what you were expecting. If you really want to make things better with your daughter, where it works for all of you, take some of this advice in, instead of continuously staying on the defensive. Or just admit you wanted confirmation and not advice.

 

[bsmcneil]

I have learned my lesson. Will never happen again. I have been looking to find a new avatar here and I think I found an appropriate one.
View attachment 634149

Your defensiveness really comes through and I hope you feel better soon. I do think that if you're unable to hear different opinions than your own, maybe don't post for opinions on a message board. Surely there are places where you can have your own thoughts agreed to.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

parents offered her alternate jobs that she could get to, but she's rejecting those, which seems like she wants to work with her friends. That's understandable, but if she can't get there then she can't get there.

It's tough to be a teenager sometimes and it's tough to be the parents of a teenager sometimes.

She said she could get a job at a place but only in the spring because of weather but another job was mentioned by the OP for the fall. IDK when you look at it it's just block after block. I get wanting to work with friends, it's not a requirement though of course. But we can see the daughter had found a way to get there. You say she can't get there well she actually can.

 

[bsmcneil]

LOL. Man, you guys are rough. I freely admitted that after reading this thread changed my mind. If DD wants a job, get a job. I will not depend on her friends parents to drive her. That’s weird to me. I would not like it if DD asked me to drive her friend to work 2 times a week indefinitely.

Was definitely a normal thing at all of the HS jobs I had. Again - how can people save up to get a car, etc without working (sort of like how do you get experience without starting somewhere).