Teen daughter - vent

[mjkacmom]

With what money? She's not able to get a job. Yes, the OP suggested a pizza place for weekend work which the daughter wasn't interested in. I'm not surprised. My kids weren't and aren't interested in working fast food either (except younger DD wants to work at Subway when she gets old enough). Oldest DD ended up at Little Ceasars (Pizza place) after applying a bunch of places and not getting accepted. DS works at HomeGoods, and worked the concession stand at the local pool over the summer.

Lol we have tons of non chain pizzarias and almost all of my kids’ friends work at a bunch. Dd18 is a cashier with a bunch of her friends, others work at one friend’s family pizzeria, a couple work at another, guys are delivery boys. Dd20 was a cashier at one at college, she’s now a bartender at the bar next door. When they are in high school they just want to work with friends, once in college they want to work and pay rent.

 

[dreamin_disney]

My dd is 23. She wanted to work during high school and college and we said no. Her one job was her education. We paid for everything she needed. We don’t have other kids so all she had to do once in awhile was vacuum or do the dishes, even that she didn’t like. in high school she took a full load with honors or AP classes ( her choice). She was very hard on herself so why add work on top of that. During college she finished her BA and teaching credential in four years (accelerated program). Now she thanks us lol!

I don’t think it’s to much to ask your daughter to pick up sibling from bus stop or watch the kids one or two days a week. It’s a family thing to help each other. If you and hubby are working to provide for the family I’m on your side, if you and hubby are just hanging out or going places and dumping the kids on her, then I’m on your daughters side.

teens don’t ever want to do chores or help out and many parents continue to give them things. Kids need to start earning things. If she was to get a job she has no car so how will she get there? Gas? Insurance? Keep up with school work? Your daughter can stick it out until End of school. Daycare she will have more things to do for less pay, right

 

[mjkacmom]

I’m confused, the OP at one point says the $40 is for watching siblings, but then it seems like more of an allowance:

She is just constantly bringing up we won’t let her get a job. She hates having siblings. We don’t pay her. (Again pay for anything she needs-and she gets about $40 a week from us)

 

[mjkacmom]

My dd is 23. She wanted to work during high school and college and we said no. Her one job was her education. We paid for everything she needed. We don’t have other kids so all she had to do once in awhile was vacuum or do the dishes, even that she didn’t like. in high school she took a full load with honors or AP classes ( her choice). She was very hard on herself so why add work on top of that. During college she finished her BA and teaching credential in four years (accelerated program). Now she thanks us lol!

I don’t think it’s to much to ask your daughter to pick up sibling from bus stop or watch the kids one or two days a week. It’s a family thing to help each other. If you and hubby are working to provide for the family I’m on your side, if you and hubby are just hanging out or going places and dumping the kids on her, then I’m on your daughters side.

teens don’t ever want to do chores or help out and many parents continue to give them things. Kids need to start earning things. If she was to get a job she has no car so how will she get there? Gas? Insurance? Keep up with school work? Your daughter can stick it out until End of school. Daycare she will have more things to do for less pay, right

I’m sure she can find a part time job that pays more than $40 a week! Jobs also look good on college applications, and later on, it’s much easier to get a job when you’ve already had a job and have references.

 

[aprilgail]

I think the teenage daughter should be able to go get a job if that is what she wants to do. The OP had the children and should be the one that deals with taking care of them, it is not the teenage daughters job to take care of her siblings, it is the parents job to deal with that.- once in a while sure, the teenager should be willing to watch her siblings but not as a daily/ steady type deal- I think the teenager is getting the short end of the stick on this deal!

 

[butterscotchcollins]

My dd is 23. She wanted to work during high school and college and we said no. Her one job was her education. We paid for everything she needed. We don’t have other kids so all she had to do once in awhile was vacuum or do the dishes, even that she didn’t like. in high school she took a full load with honors or AP classes ( her choice). She was very hard on herself so why add work on top of that. During college she finished her BA and teaching credential in four years (accelerated program). Now she thanks us lol!

I don’t think it’s to much to ask your daughter to pick up sibling from bus stop or watch the kids one or two days a week. It’s a family thing to help each other. If you and hubby are working to provide for the family I’m on your side, if you and hubby are just hanging out or going places and dumping the kids on her, then I’m on your daughters side.

teens don’t ever want to do chores or help out and many parents continue to give them things. Kids need to start earning things. If she was to get a job she has no car so how will she get there? Gas? Insurance? Keep up with school work? Your daughter can stick it out until End of school. Daycare she will have more things to do for less pay, right

….I don’t think this is the take you think it is.
My friends who had everything paid for by their parents and never had a job in HS/college had a VERY rough time in the real world after graduation: hard time finding entry-level positions bc other candidates had experience/qualifications they didn’t, and once they could find something couldn’t keep it because of spoiled attitudes at work and inability to make professional connections with superiors and colleagues. Maybe your child is the exception and not the rule, I hope for their sake that’s the case.

 

[dez1978]

Wow…ok..I guess I’m just totally wrong, lol. Didn’t expect everyone to take DD’s side but knew what I was getting into posting here. Was looking for outside eyes.

I do feel as though we tried to compromise with DD. She is so set on working at the daycare. Hours are 3-6, Mon-Fri. Dh gets home after 4. She has no way to get there. It is 2 miles away and I guess she could walk but we live in CT. Walking 2 miles in the winter on busy roads doesn’t sound like the best idea to me.

She does not have a car yet. She is added on our insurance and would need to use one of our cars. She can’t just work there on certain days.

Another issue is grades. Her grades aren’t always the best. She barely maintains them now and doesn’t work. Not sure how she will manage not to fail if she starts working.

We have said all along she can work weekends. I even pointed out sign at a pizza place a few months ago looking for help and said that would be a good option. They probably need help weekends. She didn’t want to work there.

As far as watching the kids I guess I don’t see what the big deal is. She walks 100 yards to DS bus stop. She zones out on her phone while DS watches cartoons until DH comes home 20 minutes later. She gets paid $40 a week to do this.

Yes, she had to watch her siblings 1 day of her break. She has 11 other days to do what she wants.

She will go to college in the fall. Living home and going to state college was here choice. We will treat it as though she is not home and she will not be depended on to help with kids all at. They will both go to after school car.

I don't think you are wrong really. I do think theres a generational component for the reason people feel the way they do about this tho. I grew up in the whole "Your allowance is the fact you get to live here" era. My mom didn't buy me a car, she didn't pay for my insurance or my gas. I don't think you are being unreasonable asking her to help with her siblings a few hours a week. To me that is no different than expecting her to contribute in any other way to the household. Everyone contributes in some way to the household. It's not that crazy of an idea. She is a teenager, of course she is going to hate having to do any of that, just as we all did. I did not have siblings to watch and by the time I was 8 I was home by myself for 2 hours after school everyday, and had to do chores. When I turned 16 I got a job as a waitress and worked every night/weekend day I could that I didn't have band or some school thing. I bought my own car, my own insurance, my own clothes and my own gas becasue I knew my mom couldn't afford it after my dad died and i learned the value of a $ much faster than any of my classmates who had those things given to them. So I say let her get a job and see how easy she really has it now and let her learn to appreciate what she's got. Otherwise she'll just continue to have an attitude about everything and you will still be paying for it all. Let her work and pay for all her own extra stuff for a bit.

 

[kymom99]

With what money? She's not able to get a job. Yes, the OP suggested a pizza place for weekend work which the daughter wasn't interested in. I'm not surprised. My kids weren't and aren't interested in working fast food either (except younger DD wants to work at Subway when she gets old enough). Oldest DD ended up at Little Ceasars (Pizza place) after applying a bunch of places and not getting accepted. DS works at HomeGoods, and worked the concession stand at the local pool over the summer.

I’m pretty sure I said somewhere she should be allowed to get a job. That big might actually help her grades and general feeling of well being. OP is crippling her by providing everything for her.

 

[fortwildernessishome]

You say she’s not in any sports or clubs. Is she not interested? A job may fill that void and give her confidence.

I was wondering about this too. When my boys were in high school (and my husband and I too, a million years ago!) they were never home 3 days a week after school. They both played 3 sports, but even so, there was always something going on after school, whether it was clubs, study groups, watching their friends play/compete in school sporting events, special band or choir practice and the list goes on and on.

So even if its "only 20-minutes" 3 days a week, it may as well be 3 hours, once she has left school and the social life of after school activities its not like she can go back there after her 20 minutes are up.

My guess is the daughter would have no problem getting to the after school job at the daycare that she wants. She would just hitch a ride with one of her many friends that already work there. At the end of her shift, she would most likely get a ride home from a friend OR her Mom or Dad would just pick her up, because, well thats what parents do for their kids!!

Being part of a family requires helping out, sometimes on a daily basis, but helping out with dishes, taking out the trash, starting dinner, watching a sibling occasionlly is far different then being EXCPECTED to be present 3 days a week at a certain time.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Some people mention that car , insurance , college and wedding were a given. Those were not in our house. When I was a kid, I got nothing. In fact if we still lived at home after HS and got a job, we had to add to the house fund.

Our kids at that age (about 25 years ago), we paid for state schools, helped with cars and wedding, and I think we paid car insurance. They both started working after HS. and continued during college/tech school.

I'm also going to guess when you grew up and when you raised your kids it was an honest conversation about expectations. Hey this and this won't be provided so you need to work if you want those things. I really didn't get anything either but I always knew the expectations and my parents never prevented me from having a job and earning income. Earning income in fact was an expectation.

The OP is preventing the daughter from earning anything meaningful, how is she supposed to pay for car insurance without money for it? Or pay for college when she hasn't had the chance to earn money much less save up enough. Or get a car.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I don't think you are wrong really. I do think theres a generational component for the reason people feel the way they do about this tho. I grew up in the whole "Your allowance is the fact you get to live here" era. My mom didn't buy me a car, she didn't pay for my insurance or my gas. I don't think you are being unreasonable asking her to help with her siblings a few hours a week. To me that is no different than expecting her to contribute in any other way to the household. Everyone contributes in some way to the household. It's not that crazy of an idea. She is a teenager, of course she is going to hate having to do any of that, just as we all did. I did not have siblings to watch and by the time I was 8 I was home by myself for 2 hours after school everyday, and had to do chores. When I turned 16 I got a job as a waitress and worked every night/weekend day I could that I didn't have band or some school thing. I bought my own car, my own insurance, my own clothes and my own gas becasue I knew my mom couldn't afford it after my dad died and i learned the value of a $ much faster than any of my classmates who had those things given to them. So I say let her get a job and see how easy she really has it now and let her learn to appreciate what she's got. Otherwise she'll just continue to have an attitude about everything and you will still be paying for it all. Let her work and pay for all her own extra stuff for a bit.

You find the older sibling has it easy? You didn't have to take care of siblings. Do you really think you would have called it having it easy if your parent prohibited you from getting a job because you had to take care of your siblings 100% of the time they were unable to? and to boot have someone say you have an attitude for actually wanting a job

You bought your own car and paid for your own insurance, you were able to do that. The older sibling here is not. I share a similarity with your situation that you were raised in and it's interesting that we couldn't be farther from having the same opinion on the situation.

Clearly the 17 year old isn't someone who is really immature and lacking any responsibility otherwise why in heavens would the OP and her husband allow her to take care of their young children!?

 

[pinkxray]

I have read the responses and really tried think clearly about this very every angle.

When DD woke up I tried to be as calm as possible while discussing this. I told her she is free to apply to whatever job she can get that she can get to on her own. Unless I quit my job we are still going to have an issue of how she gets to work before 4. We have a Dunkin Donuts she could walk to a mile away, however when we mentioned it in the fall as an option she said no way. She doesn’t know how to make coffee and its open too early. She’s not waking up that early.

Her friends at the daycare get driven by their parents. DD said she can get a ride with one of them. If it was her friends driving sure. I don’t really feel comfortable with DD getting job and expecting someone else’s parents to bring her every week. I did say if that’s what she really wants to do she can apply in the spring and bike there. She isn’t biking in the winter on a busy road with no sidewalks.

Once she gets a car this summer she can work as she chooses. She will be responsible for part of the insurance on that car. I only have so much money and can’t afford everything.

I keep seeing that DD isn’t able to do what she wants bc she picks up DS. That just isn’t the case. She was in 2 clubs this year. Those ended last month. She walked home and was still home before DS got home. If she wasn’t able to get home on time we would make other arrangements. She picks him up bc she is home, she is not home bc she has to pick him up. Even if he goes to after school care she will still be home. I guess I’m just cheap and don’t see the need for after school for DS when she is home.

She had signed up for a CNA course for next semester (was thinking of Nursing as career) DS would have gone to after school care no problem.
I asked her a few weeks ago when it started so I could sign him up and she dropped it. Doesn’t want to be a nurse.

As far as the weekend shifts overlapping after looking at the calendar she maybe actually watches them 1 hour every 2-3 months. I work every 3 weekend, DH every 4 weekend. I try to switch my weekends with coworkers to avoid overlapping with DH. This does not interfere will anything for her. She went away for a weekend with a friend and DH just took the kids to work for an hour. If she was not home in bed she wouldn’t watch them. No one has every said she needs to change her plans to watch them for that hour. She lays in bed while they watch cartoons. I guess I could pay her $125 an hour to do that but at that point I might as well quit my job.

I will come up with an actual hourly rate for the rare occasion she watches the kids like yesterday. It is pretty rare as I tend to take most school holidays off and DH and I split vacations they are home. Yesterday was a rare day we couldn’t get off.

We are fully aware that when college starts she won’t be watching them.

Dh and I have been married 20 years and all 3 kids are ours. DH grew up poor. His parents had no money. He has been working since he was able to. He paid his insurance, bought his own car, paid for his clothes, tools for trade school. Didn’t get to go college and joined the Marine Corp to build a life for himself. His thoughts aren’t too far from mine however he probably leans a bit more towards if she doesn’t like it maybe she can join the Marines

 

[sk!mom]

…

 

[VandVsmama]

Step 1: Don't ask for parenting advice on Disboards.

 

[AndreaA]

Um you sound like you hired a live-in nanny. You have another child not an employee.

It's common for older siblings to do some things for their younger siblings. You're asking her to essentially do it all and then you cast her in a terrible light.

Goodness I hope she can get out and get out quick. So many people use the excuse that youth these days have no work ethic but tend to miss the youth that actually want to work but are prevented to by their parents. This is one where you just want her to take care totally for her other siblings at the expense of her independence, you're not allowing her to grow as an independent person but rather just be a caretaker.

“Do it all”?!? Did you even read her posts. The teen ”watches” her brother for a TOTAL of 1hr per week and gets 40bucks. I don’t know of many teen jobs that pay 40 dollars an hour. Watching the sibling isn’t the only barrier to getting an after school job. She also has iffy grades an no transportation. But yeah, that teen should really get out and get out quick. Good grief, what a horrible and offensive thing to say.

 

[dez1978]

You find the older sibling has it easy? You didn't have to take care of siblings. Do you really think you would have called it having it easy if your parent prohibited you from getting a job because you had to take care of your siblings 100% of the time they were unable to? and to boot have someone say you have an attitude for actually wanting a job

You bought your own car and paid for your own insurance, you were able to do that. The older sibling here is not. I share a similarity with your situation that you were raised in and it's interesting that we couldn't be farther from having the same opinion on the situation.

Clearly the 17 year old isn't someone who is really immature and lacking any responsibility otherwise why in heavens would the OP and her husband allow her to take care of their young children!?

my best friend was in the situation as her 17 yr old except 3 younger siblings who she watched every day and some weekends. And yes, that was a lot easier for her to do that than it was for me to work 20 hours a week or more to pay for things. Watching a kid for a few hours isn't that hard. I baby sat at 11 or 12 until I was 16, it's not that hard to watch a kid, especially in your own house. Its far less work than an actual job. Let me be clear I am talking about baby sitting, not being a sahm. It def wasn't easier to work to pay for any thing I wanted to have because my mom couldn't afford those things. 100% would have preferred to have a car given to me but watch a kid a few hours a week than to work to save up a few thousand to buy a car. My sister and nephew did live with us my jr and sr year and my mom made me watch him some times so they could go do stuff, and sure I was mad about it. But I was doing that on top of school, marching band and a job. And well, teenagers get an attitude if you look at them somedays so there's that.

 

[MakiraMarlena]

yes all 3 kids have the same bio parents.

According to OP she is frustrated because older daughter complains about watching younger siblings even though she doesn't actually have to do anything, because she thinks that's the reason she can't have an afterschool job with her friends.

however, she can't get to the job, and her parents don't want her catching a ride. So the job is out. She doesn't actually want A job, she wants THIS job. Friends are extremely important to kids this age.

looks like an impasse, and I guess only resolved when she goes to college, has a car and doesn't have to watch younger kids anymore, which won't be too long. personally the complaining about her not getting out of bed and failing to fix lunch was kind of a distraction

 

[pinkxray]

Step 1: Don't ask for parenting advice on Disboards.

I have learned my lesson. Will never happen again. I have been looking to find a new avatar here and I think I found an appropriate one.

 

[dez1978]

Step 1: Don't ask for parenting advice on Disboards.

or really any message board or FB group. There will always be a few that are 100% on board with you and then the rest with their pitchforks out telling you how horrible you are.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

my best friend was in the situation as her 17 yr old except 3 younger siblings who she watched every day and some weekends. And yes, that was a lot easier for her to do that than it was for me to work 20 hours a week or more to pay for things. Watching a kid for a few hours isn't that hard. I baby sat at 11 or 12 until I was 16, it's not that hard to watch a kid, especially in your own house. Its far less work than an actual job. Let me be clear I am talking about baby sitting, not being a sahm. It def wasn't easier to work to pay for any thing I wanted to have because my mom couldn't afford those things. 100% would have preferred to have a car given to me but watch a kid a few hours a week than to work to save up a few thousand to buy a car. My sister and nephew did live with us my jr and sr year and my mom made me watch him some times so they could go do stuff, and sure I was mad about it. But I was doing that on top of school, marching band and a job. And well, teenagers get an attitude if you look at them somedays so there's that.

I'm not talking about the act of watching a kid vs a job. I'm saying having all of what the daughter has had thrown at her and saying she had it easy.

Every kid is different if if the kid was like me boy those babysitters deserved so much for dealing with my rambunctious self lol. In this situation with the OP most of us can see that the OP (and they've even explicitly stated it) is using their eldest for childcare (if the eldest couldn't watch then the 7 year old would have to go to daycare quite the burden on the 17 year old and that's just 1 thing). It's not occasional hey watch your sibling please, it's an expectation one that if the eldest couldn't do it would throw the OP and her husband into a tailspin (that's an exaggeration but sorta comes off that way). I couldn't in good conscious say this 17 year old had it easy with the burden placed on her.