Stay-at-Home Parent or Unemployed?

ronandannette · Oct 29, 2015

There was a thread some months back that posed this exact question. I found it quite interesting (funny actually) that most of the respondents gave a daily routine that that was practically slavery from sun up until sun down. Almost no one (other than me) admitted to reading books, meeting friends for lunch, watching TV or taking the occasional nap. But I also wonder, if the tables were turned, how many people would honestly assess how they spend their days at work? Who else (other than me) visits with coworkers, makes personal phone calls/texts, spends time going over the football pool, sells stuff for their kids' school fundraiser, touches up their make-up in the bathroom, shops on-line, plans their next vacation...you get the idea. And at the at the end of the day (pun intended) who really cares what somebody else does? :wave2:

scoutie · Oct 29, 2015

That thread was full of inflammatory posts. Staying a Stay At Home Mom is unemployed is just like the posters who said women who work shouldn't have kids and that they are selfish and should leave the work force. Do people really want only non-moms to be their doctors, kids' teachers, psychologists, attorneys, etc.? It's ridiculous.

I fully own my comment of saying stay at home moms with kids in school have a good deal, but I also admit that I'm speaking about my experience with my personal community. The SAHMs with kids in school have their husbands get the kids on the bus and sleep in, because the husbands are up for work anyway. They have lunch with friends, get pedicures, make cake pops, have time to make dinner before the kids come home, read their book club book, etc. I'm a teacher and really lucky to be able to get home in time to get the kids off of the bus. When the kids get off the bus, guess whose house all of the kids go to? Mine. I don't mind this, because I like my house full of the kids' friends, and they are all great kids. I do admit that it is hard to hear these moms complain about how busy and stressed out they are, because in my view, they have had all day to do laundry, prep dinner, go to the gym, pay bills, etc. On the rare occasion that I need a favor from a SAHM, I either pay her, or immediately return the favor, so I can't relate to the posts I'm reading about SAHMs picking up all of the slack for working moms. I am realizing that my community may very well be unique, and I do fully own that not all situations are like this (like the poster who said she is helping her husband run his business and shepherding clients around, or the mom who is a caretaker for her parents). I was speaking out of jealousy, because when I'm home in the summer with my kids, it's so much fun and I think that having eight hours to myself every day once the kids go back to school would be really amazing. I love my job, but I am envious of the coffee meeting, volunteering, cake pop making moms with kids in school. We tend to judge based on our own personal experiences, and what we see, and it was wrong of me to make that statement in a general way. I should have said, "Annabeth, Katie, Jessica and Mel". :rolleyes1

It's funny, because I have a lot of SAHMs and WOHM friends and this kind of thing is such a non-issue. We all pretty much respect each other's choices (or non choices...recently a SAHM friend got divorced and she's now back in the work force, and not by choice). At the end of the day, we are doing what's best for our families and threads like this are good reminders that we are all moms who love their kids, and we all are valuable contributors to society. I've felt terrible for a few days after posting what I did, and I've worried about hurting feelings, so I apologize if my comment was offensive.

jrmasm · Oct 29, 2015

How about this? Make whatever choice works best for your family, live with it and quit acting like you deserve a medal for making that choice.

mnrose · Oct 29, 2015

What do I do all day? It depends on the day. I clean the house, do a load of laundry (or two, if it's a sheet changing day), shop for groceries and other essentials (I rarely, if ever, "shop" for pure fun...not a big fan of malls), manage our rental properties, work on family financial matters, volunteer at school (I am wardrobe mistress...ain't that a great title...for the three choirs at the high school; I also do costuming for high school plays/musicals), chauffeur the kids around after school, make dinner, work out, read, play on the computer, etc. I feel plenty busy, although I do have the luxury of being flexible with my time. It's not a schedule, like it was when I worked outside the home.

mjkacmom · Oct 29, 2015

I'm a SAHM, and I do have it good, with everyone in school. I can cook, clean, do laundry, shop, pay bills, run errands, take kids to appointments, etc., so that none of that stuff needs to be done nights and weekends, which are full of extracurricular activities. My kids and DH have it made!

However, back in the day, when I had 5 kids under the age of 7, it wasn't pretty. There were man days I wished I could put them in daycare and go to work (couldn't afford it). Lots of my friends have gone back to work, so I always drive the early carpool shifts (3:30 and 5). I'm also happy to have friends here on those half days of school, and during the summer, I do become a taxi for the kids.

Me being home has the downside of not having extra money. I have friends who complain about working, but they are driving new cars, vacationing a couple of times a year, eating meals out... We aren't able to do that - it's all about choices and priorities.

Currently, I am a caregiver to my parents, here in town. Even with a live-in, I spend at least four hours a day taking care of them, too. Driving, shopping, appointments, cooking - it's time consuming, but I'm blessed to be able to do it.

eliza61 · Oct 29, 2015

Once my kids where in 5 th grade and fully engaged in stuff, there wasn't a thing that I had to do at home. that's called unemployment imo.
making beds, washing clothes and grocery shopping are chores IMO. not fulfilling activities and certainly not some thing I would want to do day in and day out.

But then I had no desire to be a stay at home mom except for the very early years. I always knew I was going back to work.

but then I've never thought about what other women wanted to do. I've seen both sides My MIL was a stay at home but now she is struggling financially because she's a widow and her husbands ss is barely letting her eat, she regrets not working.

My sister and BIl made the decision to not have kids because they wanted a different lifestyle. they wanted that "park ave penthouse" and they are happy as pig in you know what.

"Do You" as my nephews are always telling me.

AlohaNow · Oct 29, 2015

I wasn’t going to touch this thread with a ten foot pole. But I do have two sincere questions for SAHPs:

1. Do you have assets in your own name? Or is your spouse putting away some retirement funds for you as well? Is this something you ever worry about? If the only working parent died or took off, would you be ok financially?

2. How will you define yourself once the kids leave the nest? Hands-on responsibility to your kid is *supposed* to last 18 years, though seems to be getting stretched out these days. Kids keep us all very busy, and that is the ‘now’ of life. But once the cooking, cleaning, and carting is done – what do you see yourself doing?

These are just things I’ve always been genuinely curious about, if anyone cares to share.

lovemygoofy · Oct 29, 2015

I'm not a SAHP. I don't even have children. I'm blessed that I pick and choose when I work to bring an income into the house. I have my own retirement account, my own credit history, a bank account in my own name and a car in my name. I don't feel at all dependent on my husband. We do what is best and most important to our house when I am not bringing in an income. I don't say not working because I am still working. I am just as busy in the community, within my husband's unit and you know what sometimes I just sit on my behind and I'm happy with that too. People tell me I'm too reliant on my husband, I waste my education, I'm not being productive.

I do what is right for my family. Unless I'm asking them to clean my house, do my plant sitting, or loan me money, I don't need their opinions.

RitaE · Oct 29, 2015

You want to know what I find odd?

This concept that unless we all have an employer or a time clock controlling our actions, we'd be completely incapable of finding something to do all on our own.

gwynne · Oct 29, 2015

1. Yes, I would be OK.
2. The work of running a home and life doesn't end when kids leave.
3.We don't split most of the work at home, it's pretty much my territory. He appreciates me, I appreciate him.
"Extras" that I do? Retirement planning, billing, home buying research, travel planning, most everything related to moving. We decide together, but I pull all the information and come up with plans/options.

Jaime4004 · Oct 29, 2015

That's what I always say. My home has never been as clean as when I worked full time and the kids were in day care til dinner. I miss that part. I don't miss the rest of it. To answer the OP's questions, I now tell people that i'm "retired" not SAHM or unemployed. I'm 38. I'm joking though, I really don't care what it's called. I have no desire to go back to getting called out of work for sick day care/school pickups. It happened way too often, they were always sick. And I was working as a nurse practitioner and had to cancel patient's appointments at the last minute, they really love that. DH worked 1.5 hrs away so it always fell onto me. This week, DS 7 has pnuemonia, so he's on his 3rd day home from school and I no longer have to worry about it. Or school holidays, snow days, summer vacation. 2 of my kids are home at 2:10pm (we do have a bus luckily). One would be okay being home alone if I were working, the other I would never trust to her own devices

. Last kid comes off the bus at 3:30pm and has to be driven to gymnastics for 4pm three days/week. If I went back full-time, that would be the end of that, DH and I wouldn't be home until 5:30-6. The 2 middle school kids also do a lot of activities that require 4pm pick up. 4pm seems to be the magic number here. 4:30 soccer. Rest of activities are at night and would be doable.
Currently, I do pretty much everything around the house, coordinating kid crap, food shopping, doctor/dentist appts (seems like we are at one at least once/week, oral surgeon is this week). I drive to all the evening activities so DH can chill after work. Whenever the conversation comes up about me going back to work, I bring up that DH will have to start helping out more around the house, like cleaning toilets, and that shuts down the rest of the conversation.

For the record, I do work part-time a few weekends/month but that's it...
Also, no public transportation here (except school bus), I always assumed that was for cities. Rural/suburban areas around here do not have it.

RitaE · Oct 29, 2015

I'm probably not a true SAHP because I do have some self-employment income that I've actually had to cut back on over the past year because of other responsibilities. But I'll answer.

1. Yes. In fact compared to many Americans I'm quite well off with and without my husband. I have my own credit cards, my own investments and all that. I'm not saying that to be snotty because I agree that Financial Literacy is a huge topic however I really don't need to work at this point at all. I kind of took it up when my youngest started school to pay part of the college costs for the older kids and those are now largely covered. I also am contractually entitled to a portion of my husband's pension. No my husband doesn't "put money away for me." I put it away myself in my own retirement accounts. I also live in a place with spousal alimony if he decides he wants to vamoose. I hope that isn't what's holding him around but it is there. LOL

To further answer your question however, many years ago my husband started traveling significantly for work and we agreed at the time that he could pay me or we could pay a Nanny and housekeeper etc etc etc. I don't literally make him write me out a paycheck but thankfully he agrees that I do fully earn money, and so I do fully have money.

2. I will define myself the way I've always defined myself because although I have children, they are not my identity. But if you want to know what I'll do. I've picked up a significant volunteer position with the local Library the past couple of years where I teach a class, I currently spend probably just as much time taking care of my Mother as I do my children and while I know that's likely to eventually end, I hope it's still years away and not sooner, and this Fall I actually signed up for some classes at the local Community College in subjects that interest me but didn't fit into my career plan when I was in school for a career.

mom2AidanAndEli · Oct 29, 2015

1. Yes, I have assets in my name. Yes, we put away retirement in both names. Yes, I'd be okay if I had to be on my own. Of course, I know plenty of working people who haven't saved a penny towards retirement. Working couples where assets are only in one name. Situations where one person makes most of the income, the other works part time or at a lower-paying job. Would they be okay on their own?

2. How will YOU define yourself in the future? Are you ONLY defined by your job? Or do you expect to be in the same job forever and that's your only identity? Yes, I'm a mom--and proud to be! But I'm also a wife, self-employed business woman, volunteer, friend, organizer, and many other hats depending on the given day.

I think your questions could just as easily be asked of working parents.

mnrose · Oct 29, 2015

(1) Our retirement assets are 90% in my name (from when I worked....my 401 K is MUCH, MUCH larger than his). If my husband took off, I'd be better off than I am now because it would only be me to support. LOL. I also have a pension (in my name only). I manage the family's finances. It would be my husband who would be panic stricken if I died....he'd have to figure it out. I've been teaching him, just in case.

(2) When my kids leave the nest, I will be in my early 60's. My husband and I plan to move back to California (already own a home there) and hike to our heart's content. We LOVE that. I will also continue with my extensive volunteering. I figure all I have to do is walk into the nearest high school and say "I can sew...need help with costumes?" and I will be on my way. ;-)

tzolkin · Oct 29, 2015

I don't think the issue is about people "acting like they deserve a medal for their choices," but rather that there's a constant need to justify your choices to the world around you. I have made my choices (that have changed over the years) and I don't really think it should be anyone else's business. But for some reason if all of your children are in school and you are not working that is considered to be completely unacceptable and people feel totally justified in questioning and judging you.

Before we moved across the country last year, we made the decision that I would not work (until I decide that I want to do something else). I had stayed home when my kids were infant-pre-school aged and there were always some comments/judgement about that, but it's nothing like the treatment you get if you admit to staying home with older children. Now I just say that I work part-time from home to avoid the conversation and feeling like I need to justify myself or receive condemnation from every person I meet.

Legitimate and valuable questions (This is not the offensive type I was referring to above)

1. Our assets are in both names. I know plenty would not agree, but we feel that we are a partnership and we both have "earned" our money together. We are planning adequately for retirement together. I do not have any concerns. If DH were to die, we have adequate life insurance to cover my expenses for many years. I do have an education, so I would go back to work but I would have the time and resources to find something that would work best for me.

2. I am not currently finding my sole identity through my children, so I think I will be just fine. That's part of the benefit of being at home. Yes, I am taking care of my home and family, but I also have the opportunity to engage in other activities (I volunteer a lot) and to learn/grow/enrich myself personally. Unless there is a significant increase in DH's pay, I will likely go to work at least part time when the kids are all grown. If I make extra income, we can reach our retirement goals sooner. I'm already considering my employment options (my youngest is 10 but I may decide to go back to work before he finishes school) and exploring ways that I can be fulfilled and make a difference.

I do think this is an issue for many people and is worth giving some thought to. This was a problem for me when my children were much younger and my life was completely focused on them. I have been actively trying to avoid this because it has been something that my mother has struggled with throughout her life. She married at 18 and her entire identity is (still) wrapped up in her children. Her self esteem is completely based on whether she has been a good mother which she now must determine through the successes and failures of her adult children. I recognize how unhealthy this is and all it has cost her.

bellebud · Oct 29, 2015

pryncess527 · Oct 29, 2015

The best lesson my HS English teacher ever taught me is that others can only make me feel bad if I let them.

I would love nothing more in the world than to not work. I do not derive my sense of self-worth from a paycheck. I do not have children, and my never have children, but if my husband's salary reached a point where I could be a stay at home wife, I just might! Or work 10-20 hours a week to amuse myself.

And it does not make one bit of difference to me if people out in the world want to think I'm lazy, or wasting my graduate degree, or anything else. Their opinion only matters if I let it. My husband would also love for me to stay home, and his is the only opinion I value when it comes to this decision.

DawnM · Oct 29, 2015

Unemployed if you either need to be or want to be employed.

SAH parent if you are choosing to do so.

I worked until the kids were school age and then stayed home. Completely backwards I know, but we had a son with special needs and his needs started demanding more attention. I chose to quit my job and homeschool him. He is now a senior in high school and doing well. I am strongly considering going back to work, part time to start, soon.

We have 3 boys and college costs coming up, so working and having my income pay for it was part of the plan.

DawnM · Oct 29, 2015

I think the problem comes (and this isn't directed at you at all) in knowing how much is enough. For us, we literally decided it didn't matter what DH's income was, I needed to stay home with my special needs son. So, we made some huge changes to make it happen. His income now is much better, almost double in fact, from our decision 10 years ago. But we made it.

Mizzoufan · Oct 29, 2015

I think it's horrible to think that stay at home parents don't do anything all day, being a stay at home parent is the hardest job anyone person could do.

Stay-at-Home Parent or Unemployed?

🇨🇦

DIS Veteran

Last time I checked, it was still

Queen of all she surveys

DIS Legend

DIS Legend

DIS Veteran

DIS Legend

DIS Veteran

DIS Legend

DIS Veteran

DIS Veteran

DIS Veteran

Queen of all she surveys

DIS Veteran

DIS Veteran

DIS Veteran

DIS Legend

DIS Legend

DIS Veteran