Stay-at-Home Parent or Unemployed?

I agree with the majority of posters that unemployed indicates a wish to be employed or a need to be (ie, even if the person does not wish to work, if they are mooching off of their brother to live, etc and not either able to support themself or part of a family team which has decided to have that person contribute in ways other than earning an income, ok, fine call them unemployed as well).

Otherwise, stay at home parent, housewife/husband, homemaker, etc would be a much better term.


Any survey I fill out usually lists unemployed, homemaker, retired and student all as separate categories.
 
The high school my son will be going to doesn't offer bussing. He will be finding a car pool or getting a ride from us on our way to work.

We don't have family to help out, either. His parents and my dad are dead, my mom lives 2 hours away, my brother, too. His siblings all have their own lives.

1 AND 2 miles are completely walk/bike-able. My son's school is just under a mile from home...he walks/bikes it daily...15-20 minute walk, 5-10 minute bike ride. He is in 6th grade. We live in MN. He will continue to walk/bike it in winter. Kids are hardy and can handle it. My high school was 2.2 miles (just googled) from my house and there were plenty of days I walked it, if I stayed after and did not want to wait for the activity bus. It's not a big deal.

Summer vacation - my kids went to an awesome school program. Field trips, activities, water days, BBQ's, and socializing with their friends. They had much more fun then they would have ever had with me or DH as a SAHparent.

Both my kids are very involved - baseball, soccer, Scouts, choir, youth group, church stuff, etc. It's always at dinner time...between 5 and 7...so it has not been an issue with scheduling. Get home from work, throw a sandwich at them, go to activity, come home and have a real dinner cooking while they do their homework.

I will be raked over the coals for this, I am sure, but I don't think having a "connection" with the teachers/school/students in the classroom is important. It's your kids' teacher, not his aunt or best friend. I just think it's another way that parents insert themselves too much into their kids lives...helicoptering, if you must.

I mean, I am not saying that both parents MUST work. If you can swing life on one income, and not be miserable...go for it. But, I don't see it as any more noble or beneficial then being a working parent, really. If kids are in school all day, I would say you are a housewife/husband before I said SAHparent. I would equate it to a 5 year project that ended, and now you are just doing the bits and pieces to tie it up for the next 13 years.
 
Unofficial unemployment figures don't include you unless you are actively looking for a job. It is all a matter of perspective - if you are job hunting and looking for work, you are going to feel unemployed, whereas, if you are voluntarily staying home, you are just living life.

As a working mom though - I'm doing most of the things you mention. I'm carting DD around, volunteering at her school and activities, and staying home when she is sick. We don't have any public transportation, and there is literally nothing within walking distance. All of those things still have to be done, and I don't have anyone else to do them. Sometimes, that means I am bringing work home with me or doing work while in the parents' room at choir practice. It IS possible to do it all (or at least most of it...I'm trying to figure out how to squeeze in more music lessons) even when working. That said, how we accomplish this is a choice we each get to make for ourselves.
 
Trust me, suburbs in the U.S. (Outside the Northeast and a few other major population centers) generally have very little in the way of public transportation. And once you get into rural areas, forget it. As for how one would get around without a car, well you wouldn't. Simple as that.

I agree that there is a deplorable lack of public transit in the US. And often it is not possible to avoid owning a car without moving (in many areas roads are not set up to handle pedestrians or bikes even)--BUT I knew a lot of people in the US who did live where they COULD bike or walk or where living in town and walking/biking would be economically feasible. A lot of people simply are so used to thinking of a car as a need in the US that we don't stop to really think it through and realize that often we are making the choice to take on that expense but could avoid it if we really wanted to.
 

Staying at home instead of working is a family choice. Whether it is to care for children or not. If your family doesn't need the extra income, then its up to the person whether they feel their time is better spent in non paying pursuits or in a job.

If you aren't seeking employment, then you're a stay at home mom, not unemployed. And it's no body's business outside the family. Without knowing your personal financial situation it is nothing but presumptuous for anyone to say that you "should" be working.

But ( because with me, you know there's always a but) I can't help but wonder why the OP feels she has to rationalise or make excuses as to why she can't work. Of course she could work if she wanted/needed to. Millions of people manage it every day. Her living situation isn't nearly as unique as she perhaps thinks.
 
This was brought up on another thread and has really had me thinking ever since I read it. I've been lucky enough to work at some since my kids were born, so I fall in between the working parent and the stay-at-home. So this isn't even really my argument, but still just curious how others feel!

The gist was that once kids are in school, even kindergarten, you're no longer a stay-at-home mom. You're unemployed. It felt that the underlying meaning was that once kids are in school, you should be working outside the home. They're not with you all day, so why should you be at home? My kids are now middle school and high school and I still can't see going to work a regular 40-hour job outside the home! A little background...

We live in a suburban area with absolutely zero public transportation. Not an option.
We don't have family to help with the kids at all. Not. at. all. Not an option.
The high school is 1 mile from home, middle school is just under 2 miles. Neither child qualifies for school buses.

My kids have always been involved in a ton of activities--band, sports, scouts, student council, key club, etc., etc., etc. A lot of these activities happen after school. Obviously it's easier now that they're older, but a lot of this held true when they were little as well.

So how exactly am I supposed to work outside of the home and still let them participate? Do they walk home two miles, even in the dead of winter (we're in New England!)? Do I rely on other parents who ARE home to do all my carting around for me?

What happens during summer vacation? Or other school vacations? Are they stuck in a daycare the whole time? (Obviously not now, but when they were younger.)

I have also been very involved in their schools over the years and I think this is hugely important. I know all their friends, I know the teachers. There's a connection. And I feel I really contributed to the experience they had throughout school in a positive way. Isn't that important/valued?

I just don't quite understand the mindset of once the kids are in school, everything is magically taken care of and I have no reason to be at home.

Thoughts?

I agree with you. It's even harder to have a job when they are school age because they need to go more places and have a busier schedule than when they are babies and you can put them in daycare all day until the end of your work day, and it's open year round. Once they are in school, have vacations, teacher work days, holidays, early dismissals, snow days, etc. it's a LOT more complicated. I don't know how parents with a job outside the home do it. I barely had time to do what needed to be done and I didn't have a job. When people would ask my why I didn't have a job, I told them it was because I didn't have time for a job.

Technically, you are not 'unemployed' unless you are actively seeking employment. So someone who stays at home and has kids, is a stay at home Mom (or Dad) and NOT unemployed unless they are out there filling out applications, sending resumes and wanting outside employment.
 
This was brought up on another thread and has really had me thinking ever since I read it. I've been lucky enough to work at some since my kids were born, so I fall in between the working parent and the stay-at-home. So this isn't even really my argument, but still just curious how others feel!

The gist was that once kids are in school, even kindergarten, you're no longer a stay-at-home mom. You're unemployed. It felt that the underlying meaning was that once kids are in school, you should be working outside the home. They're not with you all day, so why should you be at home? My kids are now middle school and high school and I still can't see going to work a regular 40-hour job outside the home! A little background...

We live in a suburban area with absolutely zero public transportation. Not an option.
We don't have family to help with the kids at all. Not. at. all. Not an option.
The high school is 1 mile from home, middle school is just under 2 miles. Neither child qualifies for school buses.

My kids have always been involved in a ton of activities--band, sports, scouts, student council, key club, etc., etc., etc. A lot of these activities happen after school. Obviously it's easier now that they're older, but a lot of this held true when they were little as well.

So how exactly am I supposed to work outside of the home and still let them participate? Do they walk home two miles, even in the dead of winter (we're in New England!)? Do I rely on other parents who ARE home to do all my carting around for me?

What happens during summer vacation? Or other school vacations? Are they stuck in a daycare the whole time? (Obviously not now, but when they were younger.)

I have also been very involved in their schools over the years and I think this is hugely important. I know all their friends, I know the teachers. There's a connection. And I feel I really contributed to the experience they had throughout school in a positive way. Isn't that important/valued?

I just don't quite understand the mindset of once the kids are in school, everything is magically taken care of and I have no reason to be at home.

Thoughts?


With the exception of no school buses, we have the exact same situation as you. My husband and I both work time, it's never really been a problem. And since someone had to be home to meet the school bus, driving to the school would have only been a minor adjustment. Occasionally we needed to ask a favor from a neighbor but those favors were always repaid when they needed help.

My children participate in plenty of activities. Day camp and sports camps take care of the summer. School vacations are handled in a variety of ways.

So as far as how you're supposed to work, it's not hard. Most people I know do it.

And the question about whether you should or should not stay home or whether you're unemployed or not, I'm not touching that!!
 
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Staying at home instead of working is a family choice. Whether it is to care for children or not. If your family doesn't need the extra income, then its up to the person whether they feel their time is better spent in non paying pursuits or in a job.

If you aren't seeking employment, then you're a stay at home mom, not unemployed. And it's no body's business outside the family. Without knowing your personal financial situation it is nothing but presumptuous for anyone to say that you "should" be working.

But ( because with me, you know there's always a but) I can't help but wonder why the OP feels she has to rationalise or make excuses as to why she can't work. Of course she could work if she wanted/needed to. Millions of people manage it every day. Her living situation isn't nearly as unique as she perhaps thinks.

If you read my original post, I do work. I just happen to work at home! I'm not rationalizing anything. I'm not making excuses for not working.

And I don't think my situation is at all unique. That's exactly what I'm saying. I would think that a lot of people are in the same boat. And choose to stay home to be able to do all these things. Doesn't make them lazy as was insinuated in the post on the other thread. There's plenty to do when the kids are still in school. That's what I'm getting at.

School sports and practice happen after school. In our town, the soccer fields aren't even at the school, they're on the other side of town. They get bussed there after school but need rides after practice/game. Yes, he could get a ride with someone else, but it doesn't seem fair to have other parents constantly taking care of my kids.

School council, key club, other school clubs all happen after school. Again, with no transportation alternatives.

The cut off for school buses is 2 miles--we live 1.89 miles from the middle school.

Others have mentioned flexibility in work, taking stuff home, leaving early all the time. Fact is that's not reality for a lot of workers.

Plenty of people manage to work full time and do all these things. More power to them! But the point I'm trying to make is there's still a ton to be done even if the kids are in school for a few hours each day. Heck, just being home to greet them and say "How was your day?" is important to me. People who think, "Your kids are in school now. Your work at home is done," just don't really get how much can still be involved.
 
I have been a SAHM since a month before my dd (19) was born. She lives at college now and I have a 15 year old ds at home. My dh has an extremely successful career and travels often. There is no reason for me to work outside the home. I do not consider myself unemployed. I have not looked for a job in over 20 years. Why would anyone judge me because I don't work? If anything, I would be taking a job away from someone that needs the money while anything I earned would go straight to taxes. Believe me, we pay more than enough taxes already. If someone has a problem with the fact that I don't work, that is their problem, not mine.
 
Ok so I don't do the PC bull so I'll say this.

Someone that is a stay at home parent is unemployed. The word however just means that they are not employed.

A 5 year old is also unemployed. So is someone that is independently wealthy. Retired is a subset of unemployed as well.

Now as far as if that is the right choice for you and if it adds value that is another discussion... but yeah unemployed.

Saying a stay at home parent is unemployed makes the same sense as saying a 5 year old is unmarried.
 
When we had our first 2 children, we were both working. As only about 1/2 my salary was going to child care costs, I continued working. When I got pregnant again, we found that, in order to cover the child care costs, it would take my whole salary. So, why work if we weren't making any money? We also found that we could afford for just one of us to be working.

I got to "quit" working (well, paid employment anyway). I remained "unemployed" until I was old enough to formally retire.

Being a stay at home (mom or dad) still involves things to do, even once the kids are in school most of the day. When society started deeming it necessary for both parents to work (eons ago), there was a lot of "who's going to be responsible for - making dinner; cleaning house; picking up kids; etc?". There's plenty to do, even when no one but the person at home is alone there.
 
I have been a SAHM since a month before my dd (19) was born. She lives at college now and I have a 15 year old ds at home. My dh has an extremely successful career and travels often. There is no reason for me to work outside the home. I do not consider myself unemployed. I have not looked for a job in over 20 years. Why would anyone judge me because I don't work? If anything, I would be taking a job away from someone that needs the money while anything I earned would go straight to taxes. Believe me, we pay more than enough taxes already. If someone has a problem with the fact that I don't work, that is their problem, not mine.

Totally jealous of you!
 
I read that comment in the original thread and chose to ignore it. I am a SAHM whose kids are all adults! Still not working. I drove plenty of kids around for sports, theater, etc, whose parents were working and couldn't drive them. Our suburb has no public trans either, and the HS is more like 5 miles from where we live. The working parents have to rely on friends with flexible hours or no jobs. I still have several volunteer things I do on a weekly basis.

When people imply I am not a productive member of society, or have wasted my education, etc, I think of this quote from the Dalai Lama - "The planet does not need more successful people. The planet desperately needs more peacemakers, healers, restorers, storytellers, and lovers of all kinds." For many of the people I take meals on wheels to, I am the only human contact they will have that day. I don't worry that someone considers me an unemployed slacker.
 
I read that comment in the original thread and chose to ignore it. I am a SAHM whose kids are all adults! Still not working. I drove plenty of kids around for sports, theater, etc, whose parents were working and couldn't drive them. Our suburb has no public trans either, and the HS is more like 5 miles from where we live. The working parents have to rely on friends with flexible hours or no jobs. I still have several volunteer things I do on a weekly basis.

When people imply I am not a productive member of society, or have wasted my education, etc, I think of this quote from the Dalai Lama - The planet does not need more successful people. The planet desperately needs more peacemakers, healers, restorers, storytellers, and lovers of all kinds. For many of the people I take meals on wheels to, I am the only human contact they will have that day. I don't worry that someone considers me an unemployed slacker.
Beautiful! Thank you for sharing this. :goodvibes
 
I've been a SAHM and a working mom. One of those is a LOT easier than the other in my experience.

As for someone declaring a SAHP unemployed or lazy simply because they are a SAHP, not anybody's business. If it's unacceptable to have an opinion on college kids coming home or not every weekend or to have an opinion about what someone on public assistance has in their grocery cart, what makes it acceptable to have an opinion about a SAHP?
 
This was brought up on another thread and has really had me thinking ever since I read it. I've been lucky enough to work at some since my kids were born, so I fall in between the working parent and the stay-at-home. So this isn't even really my argument, but still just curious how others feel!

The gist was that once kids are in school, even kindergarten, you're no longer a stay-at-home mom. You're unemployed. It felt that the underlying meaning was that once kids are in school, you should be working outside the home. They're not with you all day, so why should you be at home? My kids are now middle school and high school and I still can't see going to work a regular 40-hour job outside the home! A little background...

We live in a suburban area with absolutely zero public transportation. Not an option.
We don't have family to help with the kids at all. Not. at. all. Not an option.
The high school is 1 mile from home, middle school is just under 2 miles. Neither child qualifies for school buses.

My kids have always been involved in a ton of activities--band, sports, scouts, student council, key club, etc., etc., etc. A lot of these activities happen after school. Obviously it's easier now that they're older, but a lot of this held true when they were little as well.

So how exactly am I supposed to work outside of the home and still let them participate? Do they walk home two miles, even in the dead of winter (we're in New England!)? Do I rely on other parents who ARE home to do all my carting around for me?

What happens during summer vacation? Or other school vacations? Are they stuck in a daycare the whole time? (Obviously not now, but when they were younger.)

I have also been very involved in their schools over the years and I think this is hugely important. I know all their friends, I know the teachers. There's a connection. And I feel I really contributed to the experience they had throughout school in a positive way. Isn't that important/valued?

I just don't quite understand the mindset of once the kids are in school, everything is magically taken care of and I have no reason to be at home.

Thoughts?

I think I want to split hairs and differentiate unemployed and jobless. Parents are never jobless. If you're not on any payroll, then technically you are unemployed. If one is fortunate enough that s/he doesn't have to be employed then one would hope they would have other activities other than watching game shows and hangin' out with the guys.
 
I think I want to split hairs and differentiate unemployed and jobless. Parents are never jobless. If you're not on any payroll, then technically you are unemployed. If one is fortunate enough that s/he doesn't have to be employed then one would hope they would have other activities other than watching game shows and hangin' out with the guys.

Splitting hairs is fun!

I agree parents are never jobless.

I would argue you are only unemployed if you are part of the labor pool. If you are not on any payroll and not looking for a job, you are technically not a part of the labor pool. That's how economists most commonly define unemployment. We usually do not think of children, students, or retired persons as "unemployed" because they are not part of the labor pool. I'd put stay at home mothers in that same category.
 
I agree that parents are always "employed." Isn't the most important "job" of any parent, being a parent?

Unemployed has a legal definition that only fits if you are actively seeking work. It's other definition seems to imply sitting doing nothing.

I think the idea that the only employment that counts is paid employment is ridiculous. As long as your family can cover your bills, who cares who's getting a paycheck? I think that wasting time judging those who don't make money as "doing nothing" is a pastime seeded in envy.

I'm home sick from work today doing nothing, so if someone wanted to they could call me unemployed today. However, today I've managed to pay bills and spend several hours working from home so even in my unemployment I'm employed. Or, since I'm getting paid today, you could say that nap I took was me being employed... yada yada yada
 
Here's my input on this whole thing (I am a stay at home parent, by the way, and I don't work).

School starts at 8:30 and ends at 2:50. 1:30 on Wednesdays. My kids are in elementary. No buses. I have to take them to school. They are not old enough nor capable enough to be home alone (too young plus both have autism).

I wouldn't work if it meant I had to pay even one penny to before or after school care (because I don't have a skill set that would make it worth it...I'm not a professional, in other words). So tell me, what job would let me work like 8:30-2:30 Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday, and 8:30 to 1:00 on Wednesdays? Nothing legitimate or remotely worth my time. Maybe a part time retail job, which would net us a couple hundred a month? Uh, maybe if we were struggling financially, but we're not. And would even a retail job be cool with needing every school holiday off? I doubt it.

Once my kids (ages 9 and 11, for what it's worth) get home, we spend about 2 hours doing homework. We do homework until about 4:30 or 5:00pm every day. Then dinner, then free time, then bed. If I worked, and didn't get home until say 5pm, we'd eat dinner and then do homework and then it would be bedtime? No thanks! Part of my "job" is helping with homework, and we get it done before DH comes home from work. Once he comes home, we eat and spend enjoyable time together.

My DH is active duty military. He is gone a lot for training exercises and deployment. We have no family nearby that can watch our kids and I don't have a reliable babysitter. So what happens when my kids are sick and have to stay home from school? And when my husband is not home, I could not work a job that requires nights or weekends.

Working is just not feasible right now and we decided before I even had my first child that I would be a stay at home mom. It is what we both wanted for our kids.

I am not "unemployed." I don't need nor want a job outside the home right now. My husband can support our family well. We have everything we need and want. Why would I work just to work? I don't collect any benefits for being "unemployed" so why would anyone call me that?

That "unpopular opinion" probably came from "Bitter, party of 1."
 
I believe the word "unemployed" should only apply to those who actually want to be working at a paid job (whether actively looking or having given up looking).

Personally, I am a work-part-time-mom. It's just right for me and my family. I was a SAHM when DS was little and started substitute teaching when he was in first grade. It was perfect because I never had to worry about vacation weeks, snow days, etc. We could get by if I didn't work at all, but the little bit extra is nice, and I enjoy being involved in academics. I love working with kids and feel good about being involved in the community.

I currently work 2-3 days most weeks, and I love the flexibility most of all. I consider myself the "safety valve" for our family. If DH is traveling for work, or DS is sick, or we just had as really busy weekend, my work can be what "gives" - with no juggling and far less stress than if I had a "regular" job. And there are a lot of things I do - scrapbooking, crafty things, etc. - that I know I personally would not be able to make time for if I worked full time. (I need my sleep!)

I definitely feel busier now that DS is in school than I ever was when he was small. Back then it was about filling time, now it's about finding time. Homework takes up a huge chunk, and he's only in one activity right now! I know families that "make it work", but they give up things that are important to me (just as I give up things that are important to them). It's a really personal decision for everyone.
 

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