Stay-at-Home Parent or Unemployed?

[mom2AidanAndEli]

This was brought up on another thread and has really had me thinking ever since I read it. I've been lucky enough to work at some since my kids were born, so I fall in between the working parent and the stay-at-home. So this isn't even really my argument, but still just curious how others feel!

The gist was that once kids are in school, even kindergarten, you're no longer a stay-at-home mom. You're unemployed. It felt that the underlying meaning was that once kids are in school, you should be working outside the home. They're not with you all day, so why should you be at home? My kids are now middle school and high school and I still can't see going to work a regular 40-hour job outside the home! A little background...

We live in a suburban area with absolutely zero public transportation. Not an option.
We don't have family to help with the kids at all. Not. at. all. Not an option.
The high school is 1 mile from home, middle school is just under 2 miles. Neither child qualifies for school buses.

My kids have always been involved in a ton of activities--band, sports, scouts, student council, key club, etc., etc., etc. A lot of these activities happen after school. Obviously it's easier now that they're older, but a lot of this held true when they were little as well.

So how exactly am I supposed to work outside of the home and still let them participate? Do they walk home two miles, even in the dead of winter (we're in New England!)? Do I rely on other parents who ARE home to do all my carting around for me?

What happens during summer vacation? Or other school vacations? Are they stuck in a daycare the whole time? (Obviously not now, but when they were younger.)

I have also been very involved in their schools over the years and I think this is hugely important. I know all their friends, I know the teachers. There's a connection. And I feel I really contributed to the experience they had throughout school in a positive way. Isn't that important/valued?

I just don't quite understand the mindset of once the kids are in school, everything is magically taken care of and I have no reason to be at home.

Thoughts?

 

[ColoradoDisneyFreaks]

I don't see how anyone could assume that a stay at home parent is unemployed? There's a huge difference between someone who is staying home, even if the kids are in school, and someone who is looking for work but hasn't yet found a job.

 

[wvjules]

This was brought up on another thread and has really had me thinking ever since I read it. I've been lucky enough to work at some since my kids were born, so I fall in between the working parent and the stay-at-home. So this isn't even really my argument, but still just curious how others feel!

The gist was that once kids are in school, even kindergarten, you're no longer a stay-at-home mom. You're unemployed. It felt that the underlying meaning was that once kids are in school, you should be working outside the home. They're not with you all day, so why should you be at home? My kids are now middle school and high school and I still can't see going to work a regular 40-hour job outside the home! A little background...

We live in a suburban area with absolutely zero public transportation. Not an option.
We don't have family to help with the kids at all. Not. at. all. Not an option.
The high school is 1 mile from home, middle school is just under 2 miles. Neither child qualifies for school buses.

My kids have always been involved in a ton of activities--band, sports, scouts, student council, key club, etc., etc., etc. A lot of these activities happen after school. Obviously it's easier now that they're older, but a lot of this held true when they were little as well.

So how exactly am I supposed to work outside of the home and still let them participate? Do they walk home two miles, even in the dead of winter (we're in New England!)? Do I rely on other parents who ARE home to do all my carting around for me?

What happens during summer vacation? Or other school vacations? Are they stuck in a daycare the whole time? (Obviously not now, but when they were younger.)

I have also been very involved in their schools over the years and I think this is hugely important. I know all their friends, I know the teachers. There's a connection. And I feel I really contributed to the experience they had throughout school in a positive way. Isn't that important/valued?

I just don't quite understand the mindset of once the kids are in school, everything is magically taken care of and I have no reason to be at home.

Thoughts?

I think it's both. lol

As for the bolded...millions of parents manage that every day. Do you think that participants in these activities are only children that have a SAHP?

 

[Art 1]

Too long to read. But from what I gather you are trying to say, IMO the real work starts once the children start attending school.

 

[pryncess527]

The gist was that once kids are in school, even kindergarten, you're no longer a stay-at-home mom. You're unemployed. It felt that the underlying meaning was that once kids are in school, you should be working outside the home. They're not with you all day, so why should you be at home?

Honestly, the way I see it, you are only unemployed if you are LOOKING for a job.

If you don't work, and you are not trying to work outside the home because your family does not need you to work, then who on earth is to say you "should" be working outside the home? Kids or no kids. It's just not anyone else's business.

There are some valuable & worthwhile pursuits in life which do not earn a paycheck.

 

[LisaR]

I homeschooled my kids all the way through HS graduation so I never considered myself unemployed or a SAHM. I was working every single day with them. My oldest is away at college and my youngest is finishing up his senior year of HS (still homeschooled, but dual enrolled at the community college so never home and doesn't "need" me anymore). I am working on reinventing myself now. I don't have any desire to work after all these years. Before homeschooling, I owned my own business for years so working for someone hasn't been my thing for a very long time. I have really picked up my volunteering lately, I'm trying out some new activities, and I am getting involved in a few new groups. I think I am going to go with the word retired now! lol What I have discovered is I would not have been a good SAHM if my kids were in school. I don't have a problem with anyone who does it, but I would have been so bored!

 

[CdnCarrie]

We live in a suburban area with absolutely zero public transportation. Not an option. Never heard of a suburb without transportation. My city of 800,000 has buses everywhere. Most schools here have before/after daycare. So transportation was never an issue. How do people get to work if they don't have a car? Isn't that a civic responsibility to provide public transportation? We had consider moving to an acreage outside the city when the kids were babies and decided doing so for this exact reason. I wanted the kids to have access to public transportation when they were older so the could go to the mall with their friends, get home from school once they gradated out of before/after daycare, etc.

We don't have family to help with the kids at all. Not. at. all. Not an option. Neither do we. Never been a issue.
The high school is 1 mile from home, middle school is just under 2 miles. Neither child qualifies for school buses. One mile is easily walkable.

My kids have always been involved in a ton of activities--band, sports, scouts, student council, key club, etc., etc., etc. A lot of these activities happen after school. Obviously it's easier now that they're older, but a lot of this held true when they were little as well. My kids are in sports and scouts. They start after supper. Sometimes its a rush to get there that's for sure. Band and student council is at lunch or after school. They just take the city bus home when its done.

So how exactly am I supposed to work outside of the home and still let them participate? Do they walk home two miles, even in the dead of winter (we're in New England!)? Do I rely on other parents who ARE home to do all my carting around for me? I live in the middle of Canada (think North Dakota) and yes my kids walk or bus home.

What happens during summer vacation? Or other school vacations? Are they stuck in a daycare the whole time? (Obviously not now, but when they were younger.) I take vacation time for a few weeks, they went to an awesome daycare for the rest of the weeks.

I have also been very involved in their schools over the years and I think this is hugely important. I know all their friends, I know the teachers. There's a connection. And I feel I really contributed to the experience they had throughout school in a positive way. Isn't that important/valued? Some I guess. I also know their friends. I also value my pension that I'm contributing to with my job along with the college fund for them. Its for sure a trade off.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Maybe "housewife" is a more fitting term once they're in school? Don't know.

I do know though that while I don't make a tremendous salary, I'd probably make a lot less if I didn't have my wife available to do all the running she does for the kids (and she does work 40 hrs per week when school is in session; has 6 weeks off in Summer).

And this notion that both spouses "need" to contribute to the household income has had a negative impact on salaries. DW would love to stay home full time, but we need the income. OTOH, if more people (moms OR dads) stayed home full time, the salaries of the rest would probably increase due to competition. So, I certainly don't buy into the notion that a stay at home parent is somehow not a "contributor".

 

[Pkltm]

This was brought up on another thread and has really had me thinking ever since I read it. I've been lucky enough to work at some since my kids were born, so I fall in between the working parent and the stay-at-home. So this isn't even really my argument, but still just curious how others feel!

The gist was that once kids are in school, even kindergarten, you're no longer a stay-at-home mom. You're unemployed. It felt that the underlying meaning was that once kids are in school, you should be working outside the home. They're not with you all day, so why should you be at home? My kids are now middle school and high school and I still can't see going to work a regular 40-hour job outside the home! A little background...

We live in a suburban area with absolutely zero public transportation. Not an option.
We don't have family to help with the kids at all. Not. at. all. Not an option.
The high school is 1 mile from home, middle school is just under 2 miles. Neither child qualifies for school buses.

My kids have always been involved in a ton of activities--band, sports, scouts, student council, key club, etc., etc., etc. A lot of these activities happen after school. Obviously it's easier now that they're older, but a lot of this held true when they were little as well.

So how exactly am I supposed to work outside of the home and still let them participate? Do they walk home two miles, even in the dead of winter (we're in New England!)? Do I rely on other parents who ARE home to do all my carting around for me?

What happens during summer vacation? Or other school vacations? Are they stuck in a daycare the whole time? (Obviously not now, but when they were younger.)

I have also been very involved in their schools over the years and I think this is hugely important. I know all their friends, I know the teachers. There's a connection. And I feel I really contributed to the experience they had throughout school in a positive way. Isn't that important/valued?

I just don't quite understand the mindset of once the kids are in school, everything is magically taken care of and I have no reason to be at home.

Thoughts?

I think being a mom is a job and that if people choose to stay home when the kids are in school that it is not being "unemployed."

I have never been the stay at home mom, I have however been very active in the kids school, with their friends and activities so it is valued to many! I am very fortunate to have a flexible job, that if it is too cold (and it gets too cold in Canada) I can drop her at school. When the kids were younger they loved the day camps in the summer and had so many experiences and adventures there with their friends.

 

[Neesy228]

I'm a stay at home mom and definitely not unemployed, because I haven't worked full-time, or looked for a job, outside my home in 14 1/2 years

My kids range in age from 9 to 14. I homeschool my oldest. My husband travels for work Sunday thru Thursday most weeks. I have stayed home with them since we had our first because it was something that was *personally* important to me. My SIL, who I love and respect very much, works full time and is still an excellent mom to my niece and nephew. I will tell you that there are days when we are both jealous of the others choice!

I don't like how we continue to pit mother against mother. I don't care if you breastfeed or bottle feed, stay home or work full time, homeschool or send them to public school etc etc. I just hope that you love your children well and do the best you can for them...and I honestly think that most of us do.

 

[lizabu]

My mom was always home. Her job was keeping the house running and taking care of us. And that job doesn't get easier just because the kids are in school for a few hours per day. I always came home to a hot lunch and the house was always clean, dinner was always on the table. She would volunteer at the school often and chaparone school trips. If you're home and you treat that as your career then you are a SAHM. If you are at home and engaged in finding employment elsewhere then you are unemployed.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

We live in a suburban area with absolutely zero public transportation. Not an option. Never heard of a suburb without transportation. My city of 800,000 has buses everywhere. Most schools here have before/after daycare. So transportation was never an issue. How do people get to work if they don't have a car? Isn't that a civic responsibility to provide public transportation? We had consider moving to an acreage outside the city when the kids were babies and decided doing so for this exact reason. I wanted the kids to have access to public transportation when they were older so the could go to the mall with their friends, get home from school once they gradated out of before/after daycare, etc.

We don't have family to help with the kids at all. Not. at. all. Not an option. Neither do we. Never been a issue.
The high school is 1 mile from home, middle school is just under 2 miles. Neither child qualifies for school buses. One mile is easily walkable.

My kids have always been involved in a ton of activities--band, sports, scouts, student council, key club, etc., etc., etc. A lot of these activities happen after school. Obviously it's easier now that they're older, but a lot of this held true when they were little as well. My kids are in sports and scouts. They start after supper. Sometimes its a rush to get there that's for sure. Band and student council is at lunch or after school. They just take the city bus home when its done.

So how exactly am I supposed to work outside of the home and still let them participate? Do they walk home two miles, even in the dead of winter (we're in New England!)? Do I rely on other parents who ARE home to do all my carting around for me? I live in the middle of Canada (think North Dakota) and yes my kids walk or bus home.

What happens during summer vacation? Or other school vacations? Are they stuck in a daycare the whole time? (Obviously not now, but when they were younger.) I take vacation time for a few weeks, they went to an awesome daycare for the rest of the weeks.

I have also been very involved in their schools over the years and I think this is hugely important. I know all their friends, I know the teachers. There's a connection. And I feel I really contributed to the experience they had throughout school in a positive way. Isn't that important/valued? Some I guess. I also know their friends. I also value my pension that I'm contributing to with my job along with the college fund for them. Its for sure a trade off.

Trust me, suburbs in the U.S. (Outside the Northeast and a few other major population centers) generally have very little in the way of public transportation. And once you get into rural areas, forget it. As for how one would get around without a car, well you wouldn't. Simple as that.

 

[superme80]

I think the term stay at home parents is the correct term. My cousin works full time at a hospital. She is married with 2 kids. When they moved to another state for her job, her husband left his job to stay home. He takes care of the house, the meals, the children, and all their school activities. I would not call him unemployed. I stay home with my children, but I homeschool them. I am not unemployed. I am a stay at home parent.

 

[mickeyboat]

I work full time outside of the house, and have done so the entire time I have been a parent.

My kids have had to forego some activities because I was not available to get them there, especially when they were small. But they have been and still are involved in most of the activities you listed. It is busy for DH and I, but we have managed. We also live in a rural area and have no family to help out.

Band - done during school, except concerts which were held in the evenings
Sports - held on weekends and evenings when the kids were young, and right after school now that they are older
Ice skating lessons, ski lessons - held on weekends
Travel hockey - held in the evenings and on weekends
Scouts - held in the evenings and on weekends, I was a scout leader as well
Student council - meetings held before school
Honors program - meetings held before school

When they were younger they did attend day care during the summer, and local summer day camps when they were a little older.

I was also a classroom volunteer, lunch room volunteer, morning recess volunteer, walk to school volunteer, scout leader, PTO member, Box Tops Coordinator and field trip chaperone. I know their friends and I know their teachers. I drive my kids to school every morning and they usually have sports in the afternoon. If they don't they ride the bus home, which drops them off in front of our house. If they did not have bus transporation, they could walk the 2 miles home from school.

We never rely on others to cart our kids around, but parents often take turns lugging the kids around for convenience sake so that we don't all have to go out. And there are multiple people I could contact if I was in a pinch (friends, parents of their friends, etc.)

It is possible to make it all work and to allow your child to have many opportunities, even if both parents work full time.

 

[wilkeliza]

SAHM is fine. Like a PP said if you are able to stay at home and your family can afford it then you aren't unemployeed. You are only considered unemployeed if you are actively looking for employment or should probably be looking for employment.

 

[kamik86]

Ok so I don't do the PC bull so I'll say this.

Someone that is a stay at home parent is unemployed. The word however just means that they are not employed.

A 5 year old is also unemployed. So is someone that is independently wealthy. Retired is a subset of unemployed as well.

Now as far as if that is the right choice for you and if it adds value that is another discussion... but yeah unemployed.

 

[gwynne]

I think each family decides for themselves. It's at the heart of the mommy wars for someone outside that family to judge, name call, demean.

And no, I don't see someone who is DIY-ing their childcare (and being around to supervise in the later years) as unemployed. They just chose not to outsource the work.

I can't believe we still have these conversations.

 

[yoopermom]

I was laid off from my "dream job" when DS was 10, and I worked p/t/intermittently for the next five years. It was TRULY a blessing in disguise, because middle schoolers need you, too! I ran him everywhere, volunteered like crazy, parented a lot of his friends whose parents were busy, kept food in the house (which, with boys that age, is a job unto itself), etc. Sure, we were poorer than normal, but I wouldn't go back and change a minute of it.

No one else's place to judge. If you're happy, and it's good for your whole family, then so be it.

Terri

 

[Maxpowers]

A stay at home parent has many other responsibilities other than just watching the kids. Your job is to take care of the house hold (food shopping, laundry etc...). Plus kids don't get out of school at 5PM. my 2¢

 

[Mickeyluver37]

This was brought up on another thread and has really had me thinking ever since I read it. I've been lucky enough to work at some since my kids were born, so I fall in between the working parent and the stay-at-home. So this isn't even really my argument, but still just curious how others feel!

The gist was that once kids are in school, even kindergarten, you're no longer a stay-at-home mom. You're unemployed. It felt that the underlying meaning was that once kids are in school, you should be working outside the home. They're not with you all day, so why should you be at home? My kids are now middle school and high school and I still can't see going to work a regular 40-hour job outside the home! A little background...

We live in a suburban area with absolutely zero public transportation. Not an option.
We don't have family to help with the kids at all. Not. at. all. Not an option.
The high school is 1 mile from home, middle school is just under 2 miles. Neither child qualifies for school buses.

My kids have always been involved in a ton of activities--band, sports, scouts, student council, key club, etc., etc., etc. A lot of these activities happen after school. Obviously it's easier now that they're older, but a lot of this held true when they were little as well.

So how exactly am I supposed to work outside of the home and still let them participate? Do they walk home two miles, even in the dead of winter (we're in New England!)? Do I rely on other parents who ARE home to do all my carting around for me?

What happens during summer vacation? Or other school vacations? Are they stuck in a daycare the whole time? (Obviously not now, but when they were younger.)

I have also been very involved in their schools over the years and I think this is hugely important. I know all their friends, I know the teachers. There's a connection. And I feel I really contributed to the experience they had throughout school in a positive way. Isn't that important/valued?

I just don't quite understand the mindset of once the kids are in school, everything is magically taken care of and I have no reason to be at home.

Thoughts?

Having been both multiple times since my kids ages run the gamut, I really think that there are benefits to both, and I could care less what a person calls themselves. I'm a working mom now. If I quit tomorrow I would be a stay at home parent. I don't think 5 is a cutoff I'm comfortable with, but with kids away at college, are you still a stay at home parent?

My kids are very active in high school travel sports and always have been in age appropriate activities. We live in a great community where people are willing to pitch in and are looking to be in carpools. My baby's daycare is top-notch. DH and I take turns being there for field trips and other events. Even when I stayed home, I wasn't the type to spend 40 hours volunteering in the school. There isn't room for EVERYONE to do that. Where I live, NO ONE lives 2 miles from a school and isn't eligible for a school bus. What's the cut off there?

The thing I never really realized when I was a stay at home mom and felt the way you did is that most working people do have families and most bosses can be flexible. So, we make it work. If I need to leave early every Tuesday during basketball season to make it all work, and DH has to do some catching up at work after the kids are in bed, we figure it out.

This isn't to day you should work. That's a personal choice. I just don't think it's impossible to juggle it all.