SS and Baseball Vent (Long)

[bunny]

He should be spending time with both children that he created. The father has his son half the time. That leaves and abundance of time for his current family. All activities take time. A kid's baseball practice is not a marriage make or break.

The OP said the baseball practice is several nights a week and most of the day Saturday and Sunday. Her husband takes him even when it is not his custodial time, since the birth mother does really want to do it.

 

[cheermom1]

most all of us have other children or we have siblings and it is life! no i didn't lose out on anything when my brothers and sister was born we are all different and the key is to NOT favor one child over the other period wheather you are in a regular family or in a blended family b/c i will tell you that is where the problems start!

 

[Mouse House Mama]

It is not part of a father's commitment to his child to coach his baseball team. Many great fathers never did that. If he wants him to be involved, he can take him to the practices and the games. But he could also take his new infant and hold her on the sidelines while he watches.

I agree with this as well.

 

[RachelEllen]

Again, thank you for all the replies

For the folks commenting on the "heart melting" comment. I'm sorry if this wasn't clear, but that was an insight I had not had before this thread. And I appreciate people making it clear.

I also appreciate the people who could see my post in the light of wanting balance. I really do. Right now, there's not much issue of balancing SS's needs with DD's. She's too young for activities. But we are after balance.

If it helps folks see where I'm coming from, the only somewhat heated discussion DH and I had over this issue was one of the times he made arragenments with his ex-wife to spend a Sunday doing baseball activities without consulting with me first. He was caught up in the fact that he shouldn't have to "check" with me before making plans. I was trying to get him to understand that the reason I'd like to be consulted, is because a committment to SS is a different level of committment than the other ones we make. If I make lunch plans, or plans to see my family, or plan an activity, I can always cancel. Commitments he makes with SS should not be broken, short of unforseen emergency, and I'm committed to making that happen. So, because it's a commitment on both our parts to spend an extra day with SS, I would like to feel involved and that the commitment is coming form both of us.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

most all of us have other children or we have siblings and it is life! no i didn't lose out on anything when my brothers and sister was born we are all different and the key is to NOT favor one child over the other period wheather you are in a regular family or in a blended family b/c i will tell you that is where the problems start!

Absolutely.

 

[stinkerbelle7531]

But how above and beyond should she go? There can be some acceptable middle ground and reasonable accomodation which won't leave someone feeling like they got the short end of the stick.

Oh yes, I felt guilty when #2 was born less than a year after #1 - you had better believe it. I remember the feelings well. I just kept telling myself that DD#1 will be better off in the long run having had a sister.

Anewman - you say your kids will always trump. Would that be true in a blended family situation? Why isn't it o.k. for the OP to express those feelings, too?

Losing a few hours a week of her husband's time to a quality activity with his child is not a hardship. Frankly I feel sorry for the dad. He is damned if he does, and damned if he doesn't.

 

[Anewman]

Anewman - you say your kids will always trump. Would that be true in a blended family situation? Why isn't it o.k. for the OP to express those feelings, too?

I would not enter into a blended family situation where my commitment to my kids was an issue.

I never said it was not ok for the OP to express her feelings, is it ok for others to post replies?

Bottom line, no marriage is a sure thing.

At least we know that the OPs husband will be their for his kids regardless of what comes down in the future.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Again, thank you for all the replies

For the folks commenting on the "heart melting" comment. I'm sorry if this wasn't clear, but that was an insight I had not had before this thread. And I appreciate people making it clear.

I also appreciate the people who could see my post in the light of wanting balance. I really do. Right now, there's not much issue of balancing SS's needs with DD's. She's too young for activities. But we are after balance.

If it helps folks see where I'm coming from, the only somewhat heated discussion DH and I had over this issue was one of the times he made arragenments with his ex-wife to spend a Sunday doing baseball activities without consulting with me first. He was caught up in the fact that he shouldn't have to "check" with me before making plans. I was trying to get him to understand that the reason I'd like to be consulted, is because a committment to SS is a different level of committment than the other ones we make. If I make lunch plans, or plans to see my family, or plan an activity, I can always cancel. Commitments he makes with SS should not be broken, short of unforseen emergency, and I'm committed to making that happen. So, because it's a commitment on both our parts to spend an extra day with SS, I would like to feel involved and that the commitment is coming form both of us.

This makes a lot of sense. That is why I think maybe a sit down might be a good idea. You are all a family. Hopefully you can find a solution that works for everyone.

 

[Sandy V.]

Again, thank you for all the replies

For the folks commenting on the "heart melting" comment. I'm sorry if this wasn't clear, but that was an insight I had not had before this thread. And I appreciate people making it clear.

I also appreciate the people who could see my post in the light of wanting balance. I really do. Right now, there's not much issue of balancing SS's needs with DD's. She's too young for activities. But we are after balance.

If it helps folks see where I'm coming from, the only somewhat heated discussion DH and I had over this issue was one of the times he made arragenments with his ex-wife to spend a Sunday doing baseball activities without consulting with me first. He was caught up in the fact that he shouldn't have to "check" with me before making plans. I was trying to get him to understand that the reason I'd like to be consulted, is because a committment to SS is a different level of committment than the other ones we make. If I make lunch plans, or plans to see my family, or plan an activity, I can always cancel. Commitments he makes with SS should not be broken, short of unforseen emergency, and I'm committed to making that happen. So, because it's a commitment on both our parts to spend an extra day with SS, I would like to feel involved and that the commitment is coming form both of us.

I think that you are trying your best to do right by everyone, OP, and I am sorry that a few have looked for opportunities to attack you. Hang in there. I hope that the baseball season runs smoothly and successfully!

 

[stinkerbelle7531]

The OP said the baseball practice is several nights a week and most of the day Saturday and Sunday. Her husband takes him even when it is not his custodial time, since the birth mother does really want to do it.

That was once during the week. And, I've never know games to take all day Sat. and Sun. Take the baby along, let her cheer on big brother.

eta: So this is only just a potential problem? No way.

 

[brockash]

When you married him they came as a package. Just be glad your ss is involved with a productive activity. When a child is involved in a sport it takes time and dedication from the whole family..

I have to agree. I know it sounds like a lot of time that DH is spending away from you, but you have to remember he's spending it with his DS. I guess the best thing I can ask is pretend it was 6 years later and it was your DD's sport...would you making such a big deal out of it then? I personally would be thrilled to know my DH was so involved with our childrens activities, and yes 4-5 hrs. is a lot of time, but it's part of being a parent or step-parent in your case. There aren't a lot of married ppl. with children that I know that get to spend a ton of time together alone...it's family time and you have 4 ppl. in your family, yourself, DH, DD and SS. Why don't you go out to the practice's a games when you want to spend time with your family. Most things once you have kids are a family thing, and you had a kid when you got married to someone with a child. Good luck to you.

 

[mickeyboat]

Losing a few hours a week of her husband's time to a quality activity with his child is not a hardship. Frankly I feel sorry for the dad. He is damned if he does, and damned if he doesn't.

It isn't a few hours. It's 4-5 hours three days a week. I think all of us with children involved in sports know it's a huge commitment.

 

[Anewman]

It is not part of a father's commitment to his child to coach his baseball team. .

It is to this father.

Maybe he feels he needs to compensate for not being with his son 50% of the time, whatever works for him. I commend him, and think the OP should see that this man is a true father and support him.

 

[bunny]

Her husband also needs to make a commitment to her. She is a newlywed. New marriages are fragile. Most people by the time their child is into sports have been together a long time and have their routine down pat. Their marriage is a well oiled machine. I read once that twice as many second marriages end in divorce as first ones. If the parents are happy, the children will be happy. It is just as important to the stepson's well being to see his dad and stepmom in love as it is for him to play baseball. It might even be more important for him to spend time with his "new" family doing family things as it is for him to play sports. The stepson has already lived through one family falling apart.

 

[Magic Mom]

It might also not seem like such a sacrifice because she would have some say as to when and whether it would happen if it was her own daughter. She would be allowed to place limits if she felt it was taking up too much family time.

Nobody has much say in the when and where of sports activities, but the coaches. Let's say the OP did get a say in the decision for him to play basebal, would she have said "No"? I don't think so, I don't get that vibe from her. So if she would have agreed to it because she knew SS really wanted to ply and her DH really wanted to help, then she should just let it go.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Her husband also needs to make a commitment to her. She is a newlywed. New marriages are fragile. Most people by the time their child is into sports have been together a long time and have their routine down pat. Their marriage is a well oiled machine. I read once that twice as many second marriages end in divorce as first ones. If the parents are happy, the children will be happy. It is just as important to the stepson's well being to see his dad and stepmom in love as it is for him to play baseball. It might even be more important for him to spend time with his "new" family doing family things as it is for him to play sports. The stepson has already lived through one family falling apart.

I don't agree with what I bolded but that is a separate issue.

I agree that if the parents are happy the kids will be happy. That is 100% true, however why can't they cheer the ss on at his games as a family? Wouldn't that make him feel good that his father's new family loves him as well?

 

[Magic Mom]

It is not part of a father's commitment to his child to coach his baseball team. .

It is if he made that commitment, which in this case he did.

 

[mickeyboat]

Nobody has much say in the when and where of sports activities, but the coaches. Let's say the OP did get a say in the decision for him to play basebal, would she have said "No"? I don't think so, I don't get that vibe from her. So if she would have agreed to it because she knew SS really wanted to ply and her DH really wanted to help, then she should just let it go.

Point taken. But at least if she was a part of the decision-making process, she would know what she was getting herself into, and she might be able to make some compromises with her DH so that she isn't left feeling the way she is feeling. Families work best when there is some give and take.

 

[stinkerbelle7531]

It isn't a few hours. It's 4-5 hours three days a week. I think all of us with children involved in sports know it's a huge commitment.

Our rec league practice for my 9 year old is 2 hours, with another 2-3 allotted for game day. So, in our lives that would be 7 hours spent with the son. The OP and her daughter have him for the other 80 hours a week they are awake. (Give or take)

If you asked the son whether he'd rather have his dad back full time and give up ball, I suspect he'd rather have dad back.

 

[brockash]

I don't totally agree with this statement. Yes, a marriage needs to be nurtured. Yes, the best thing you can do for your children is to show them that. However, for my dh and I our children come first. That is how we chose for it to be. Many people I know feel the same way. So for you, as you have implied, you have put each other first about all. That works for you. I don't agree with it but to each their own. It think a family can work in harmony without parents putting themselves above all. JMHO.

ITA.