SS and Baseball Vent (Long)

[RachelEllen]

This is really just a vent, as I don't think there's anything to do.

I have a 9 yr SS and infant daughter. SS loves baseball. He's gradually been moving to more and more intense team situations. As a step-mom, I really don't have much of a say (nor do I think I should) in his activities.

However, this year, we just got his schedule. For the next three months, there are games/practices every Saturday and Sunday and once during the week. I'm dreading this. We have SS 50% of the time, but my husband frequently (almost always) volunteers to take SS to baseball on his mom's days. We've had "discussions" about this, but he really feels strongly that he wants to do this, and, it is what he would be doing if SS lived with us in a "typical" situation. He gets involved in practice, helping out with the drills, and its really a fun time for them.

There are so many different issues here. One, we both work. So, weekends are the only time I have to spend with DH, and it's alreay stressful/hectic enough with a new baby. Depending on whether we are coming from home or picking up SS, practice from start to finish is a 4 - 5 hour activity. That essentially kills the day for much of anything else.

Then, there are the weekday practices. Either, DH has to leave work early to pick up SS to take him to practice. This makes him stressed out about work, and he ends up doing work at home or staying late on nights/weekends when SS isn't there. Or, if its an after 5pm practice, they get home and there is always major homework stress with a tired, cranky 9 year old.

Honestly, I resent that this kid activity takes up so much time. DH can count on the fact that I will make it work with taking care of the baby. I know DH enjoys the baseball, and it's nice to have things you enjoy, but as a working mom, I don't really have the option of spending 12-15 hours a week on a fun activity for myself and assuming that DH will pick up the slack.

 

[JessR]

 

[DawnA401]

When you married him they came as a package. Just be glad your ss is involved with a productive activity. When a child is involved in a sport it takes time and dedication from the whole family..

 

[JimmyPicker]

I know it sounds like a lifetime (believe me, I know, my son plays sports), but it's only three months. It'll be over before you know it.

I know you want to spend time with your DH, and use the weekends to get things done, but think about how much your SS will appreciate his father doing these activities with him, especially when he grows up and has to do those activities with his own children.

 

[lillygator]

no advice but I feel your pain.

 

[Sandy V.]

Vent away - I understand your feelings. I will say, though, that having his dad there to be a part of baseball will be an important thing to your SS, now and when he grows up and looks back on all of this. Your DH is trying his best to be an involved father, and I do realize that it can take a toll on other family time. But, it does sound like you're both trying to be the best parents you can, which is all anyone can ask. Welcome to the world of kids' sports. I hate to tell you this, but it probably will get even more hectic before it gets easier. Hang in there, and good luck!

 

[MickeySP]

All I can think is wait until it is your own child and then you will be glad he is so involved in his life.

My life revolved around baseball fields for years, at one time my DS played 4 teams at once. I know this is why now that he is grown with his own child I am still so close to him.

 

[merrily]

I think you are very lucky to have a husband that is such an involved father. I wouldn't be surprised in a few years when he is doing baseball/softball or some other activity with his daughter. I hope you will pack up the baby and go to some games to show your support for your family. You won't be sorry.

 

[shelly3girls]

ITA with the above posters. Be thankful that DH wants to be so active in his son's life. Imagine the father he will be to your child if he is that involved. My father did this for me. Instead of resenting it my mom learned everything she could about my sports and attended every game. My father's involvement in my sports set the foundation for an amazing relationship, one that I would have never had without it. My sports were the only things that always took Dad away from work no matter what. I am eternally thankful for that time we had together. Just enjoy that DH wants to be that involved. It is only 3 months.

 

[NMAmy]

I think it's wonderful that your husband is so involved in his son's sports activities and it's a great bonding experience for them.

I realize it's a pain. But it's important to your husband and to his son. It's only for 3 months. If your dd decides to get involved in sports when she's older, she'll be lucky to have a dad who likes to do that with her. My ex and dd have always bonded over athletic activities and it's helped them to have a close relationship.

You could see if your husband is willing to compromise by not attending every practice but maybe two a week.

 

[RachelEllen]

I think you are very lucky to have a husband that is such an involved father. I wouldn't be surprised in a few years when he is doing baseball/softball or some other activity with his daughter. I hope you will pack up the baby and go to some games to show your support for your family. You won't be sorry.

I appreciate all the comments. This is truly a vent. I'm not looking to change DH in any way. It kind of came to a head because try-outs were last week. The try-out slot is 15 minutes and it was on his mom's week. I had assumed we stop by the field to watch. DH told me the day before that he had committed to picking SS up at his mom's, getting him to the field 30 minutes early to warm up, taking him to lunch afterwards, and then taking him back to his mom's. I guess I was annoyed that he was making these sorts of plans in conjunction with his ex-wife and SS, rather than involving me.

His involvement as a father was one of the attractive things about him when we were dating. (irony noted) The only thing I'm thinking of doing is telling DH that the schedule is somewhat stressful to me, and it would be helpful if the two of us (without SS) could sit down and go over the schedule. There may be nights when I could get called into work, and having back-up baby care arranged would be helpful. Also, I tend to be more responsible than DH in keeping track of SS's tests and homework projects. So making sure we are on the same page about telling SS when he has to get his homework done at afterschool. Things like that.

FWIW, I do attend games whenever I can. I can't when they are later than the baby's bedtime. And, SS's mom has been very vocal (in front of SS) that it is not appropriate for me to be there on her weeks. (This was a huge issue when we were just dating.) But I'd say I'm there at least 50% of the time cheering him on.

 

[allison443]

This is really just a vent, as I don't think there's anything to do.

I have a 9 yr SS and infant daughter. SS loves baseball. He's gradually been moving to more and more intense team situations. As a step-mom, I really don't have much of a say (nor do I think I should) in his activities.

However, this year, we just got his schedule. For the next three months, there are games/practices every Saturday and Sunday and once during the week. I'm dreading this. We have SS 50% of the time, but my husband frequently (almost always) volunteers to take SS to baseball on his mom's days. We've had "discussions" about this, but he really feels strongly that he wants to do this, and, it is what he would be doing if SS lived with us in a "typical" situation. He gets involved in practice, helping out with the drills, and its really a fun time for them.

There are so many different issues here. One, we both work. So, weekends are the only time I have to spend with DH, and it's alreay stressful/hectic enough with a new baby. Depending on whether we are coming from home or picking up SS, practice from start to finish is a 4 - 5 hour activity. That essentially kills the day for much of anything else.

Then, there are the weekday practices. Either, DH has to leave work early to pick up SS to take him to practice. This makes him stressed out about work, and he ends up doing work at home or staying late on nights/weekends when SS isn't there. Or, if its an after 5pm practice, they get home and there is always major homework stress with a tired, cranky 9 year old.

Honestly, I resent that this kid activity takes up so much time. DH can count on the fact that I will make it work with taking care of the baby. I know DH enjoys the baseball, and it's nice to have things you enjoy, but as a working mom, I don't really have the option of spending 12-15 hours a week on a fun activity for myself and assuming that DH will pick up the slack.

I think it's great your DH is volunteering to help with his son's baseball team and keeping a close relationship with him. Most working moms I know don't have "the option of spending 15 hours a week on a fun activity for themselves" like you are complaining about. You seem to be leaving out the fact that your stepson is involved in this "fun activity"-it's not just your DH playing on an adult baseball team, for goodness' sake.

You "resent" that this kid activity takes up so much time....but this is a common time commitment for kids' sports and other activities. Will you resent it if your dd wants to do a time-consuming activity in the future? Once the weather gets nice, why can't you take the baby to the games and make it a fun activity to bring the four of you closer? We have three kids, they have activities, it's busy. Yes, we both work. Yes, I had a newborn when my oldest was 10 and middle one was 6, and dh coached their soccer and basketball teams. You make it work as a family.

I'm going to add that it sounds like you have already expressed your feelings to dh. Please don't let this become an issue between you. Obviously this is very important to him, and I'm sure it is important to to your stepson as well. Sometimes as parents we have to do things that we don't want to do. I have sat through more tedious softball games at the instructional level than I can count. I have stood on sidelines of soccer games in rain and mud. I have rushed from work to get kids to practices, to get to weekday games, etc. Been stressed, the whole thing. Part of being a parent. Believe me, it goes by fast!

Good luck!

Edited to add, when I started replying there were no replies! Now I see I am number 12 and others have said similar things!

 

[allison443]

I appreciate all the comments. This is truly a vent. I'm not looking to change DH in any way. And, his involvement as a father was one of the attractive things about him when we were dating. (irony noted)

 

[Jennasis]

Why would SS's mom say it's inappropriate for you to be there cheering him on when it is "her" week? Makes no sense.

 

[4greatboys]

Baseball season can be very time consuming but it only lasts a short time. Last Spring when both of my young ones played they each normally had 2-3 games per week plus atleast 1 or 2 practices.

 

[RachelEllen]

Why would SS's mom say it's inappropriate for you to be there cheering him on when it is "her" week? Makes no sense.

Whole other kettle of fish....

It was an expressed issue when we were dating. So, I stayed home on her weeks. We assumed it was no longer an issue now that we were married. However, we stopped by to pick up SS to take him to try-outs last week. I stayed in the car when DH went in the house to pick up SS. (It has also been requested that I stay in the car when at her house) They had a large argument in front of SS that this was meant to be father-son time, and I should not be there.

 

[Traveliz]

Why would SS's mom say it's inappropriate for you to be there cheering him on when it is "her" week? Makes no sense.

I agree-- if anything that is what I would be venting about. Great that dad is super involved. But I do see your point that you need to sit down and go through the schedule together. My husband had custody of his son so it was a bit different but the age difference was the same between the kids so I know what that is like. Every Sunday night we would map out the next week so we knew who would be where when and what we might have to switch up.

Liz

 

[RachelEllen]

I also want to add, that much of this may be attributable to step-family dynamics. If DD wants to do a time-consuming activity in the future, it would be a "family" decision whether it made sense or not. Most likely the answer would be "yes," but it would be a committment the family made as it would affect all of us. With a SS, I really had no say in this committment. Those are the breaks, and what you sign up for in a step-family, but I wanted to express that part of the dynamic for folks who might not see it.

 

[ajk912]

Yeah I hear you that sports are extremely time consuming (with three kids, I am always running somewhere for one of them!) but it's certainly better than them playing video games or just vegging around the house!

I think it's a GREAT thing that your DH is doing with his son!

I can't help with much with seeing your DH..I haven't seen mine in weeks with all the running around we do!.

 

[mjkacmom]

Well, in the spring, ds10 is on TWO baseball teams (little league and travel), plus travel soccer, plus volleyball, which ends in April. He has practices every single night, and 3 games (at least) every weekend. It was harder when my twin were younger, but ds did A LOT of carpooling, and DH only coaches one of his teams.

It's hard, but when kids get to this age, the time outside activities take up can be overwhelming. This weekend, ds7 has tae kwon do testing, ds10 has a basketball game and indoor soccer game, dd12 has play practice Saturday and Sunday (after CCD, which they all attend)... There's no such thing as a free weekend, never mind weeknight.

Luckily, for me, I grew into this slowly - it seems like you're just getting hit with it. Ask your DH to set up some carpooling for practices, and just go to the games.