SS and Baseball Vent (Long)

[ajk912]

There may be nights when I could get called into work, and having back-up baby care arranged would be helpful. QUOTE]

Even though I am all for kids doing sports, I see NO reason why your DH can't take the baby to a practice/game/etc if you need to go to work or need a break or just want to clean the house. Unless your DH is a coach, that is. That's wonderful he is being so active with his son, but he can juggle too if necessary! So if you are at the end of your rope, feel free to say, "Take the baby with you when you go!!!"

 

[barkley]

i guess i'm the odd man out on this one.

i think your dh needs to step back and evaluate weather he would realy be doing "this" (level of involvement with the sport) in the same manner if he/his son were in a "typical" situation. right now it sounds like the things he's doing to accommodate his level of participation result in using the time his son is'nt there to play "catch up". i suspect that if he and son were in a "typical" situation that his son's mother would be equaly upset if his participation with his son resulted in him being stressed out, and working nights and weekends, essentialy leaving the bulk of the parenting and household duties to fall on her. i also suspect that if it were a "typical" situation and it included a second child in that household, his son's mother would'nt want that child's "quality" time with dad (non stressed, non spent just observing older sib at games/practices) taking a back seat to the older son's sports.

it well and fine to say that you should look to what your dh does with his son and appreciate it because it shows that he will likely have that level of involvement with the child you have together-but is that child going to have that kind of relationship with your dh if they've grown up with dad always working, always stressed, always involved in their step-sibs activities? if it were a "typical" family i suspect the mom/dad would be trying to strike a balance between the needs of both children-and opting (like ours) to sometimes pull back on one child's activities if it's negativly impacting on the others or their family as a whole.

we kind of dealt with this recently. dd wanted to participate in an activity that carried a big time committment. dh could have driven her/helped with participation while i took up the slack on doing the things he would have normaly done around the house/helping ds with his homework. the thing i could'nt "pick up" was the time it took him away from ds. not only the time the activity would have entailed him being away from home but the time he would have been too exhausted to do things with ds, the time he would now have to shift from leisure to doing the things he could'nt shift to me. the activity came down to being too great an 'expense' for ds to pay. we looked to and found an activity that fed dd's enjoyment, allowed for dh to participated-but was much more reasonable given the demands/needs of ALL of our family members.

 

[islangrl]

I also want to add, that much of this may be attributable to step-family dynamics. If DD wants to do a time-consuming activity in the future, it would be a "family" decision whether it made sense or not. Most likely the answer would be "yes," but it would be a committment the family made as it would affect all of us. With a SS, I really had no say in this committment. Those are the breaks, and what you sign up for in a step-family, but I wanted to express that part of the dynamic for folks who might not see it.

I hope I can say this without it sounding mean, because I am not flaming you at all, just trying to help you see the (possible) future ahead of you.

If SS was your DS and he had been playing ball for a few years, loved it and was advancing to higher levels; a time commitment of 3 days a week would not be as big of an issue.
You would be proud (which you probably are now) and want him to do as well as he could for as long as he could as long as he still loved the game.

When your DD gets a little older, and finds a sport or activity that she was born for, you WILL make the sacrifices (family time and perhaps financial) to help her reach her goals.

DH helps coach DD's basketball team, and she LOVES it. The look on DD"S face when they are together is worth the few hours of DH's time that I don't get. We make up for it whenever we can.

Good luck, and as others have posted before, you are lucky that your DH is an involved father! You've got a good man!

 

[RachelEllen]

There may be nights when I could get called into work, and having back-up baby care arranged would be helpful. QUOTE]

Even though I am all for kids doing sports, I see NO reason why your DH can't take the baby to a practice/game/etc if you need to go to work or need a break or just want to clean the house. Unless your DH is a coach, that is. That's wonderful he is being so active with his son, but he can juggle too if necessary! So if you are at the end of your rope, feel free to say, "Take the baby with you when you go!!!"

Fabulous idea. It's not always practical, as SS likes a lot of attention during the games. (Warm up with dad in the batting cage, catching practice.), Honestly, it's not that I hate baseball. If it's an appropriate time for the baby to be at the game (ok weather, not too late or during a nap), I might as well go as well.

 

[RachelEllen]

Good luck, and as others have posted before, you are lucky that your DH is an involved father! You've got a good man!

Yes, I am very lucky! No question there!

And, not to sound too sappy, but I /get/ what you are saying. I care about SS a lot. I can honestly say that in a way I love him. I scream my head off when he gets a hit at the game. I sit on the floor and commiserate with him when his dad is really hard on him about something. When he hated, hated, hated his summer camp last year, I drove my pregnant self over there every day to pick him up early. (I was out of work on disability) He is a wonderful kid.

But, when I see my daughter, my heart melts in a way it never has before. I can see, how if it were her, this would not seem like such a sacrifice. (I may get totally flamed for this. I'm just being honest)

However, we do need to have this work for us as a family. I think, as a step-mom, I have to be very thoughtful and deliberate about this, because, as much as possible, the fact that my feelings for SS are different than those for my daugher should affect, as little as possible, how I treat him.

 

[okeydokey]

Whole other kettle of fish....

It was an expressed issue when we were dating. So, I stayed home on her weeks. We assumed it was no longer an issue now that we were married. However, we stopped by to pick up SS to take him to try-outs last week. I stayed in the car when DH went in the house to pick up SS. (It has also been requested that I stay in the car when at her house) They had a large argument in front of SS that this was meant to be father-son time, and I should not be there.

This is a problem. You are the boy's family now too and his Mom cannot dictate that her ex spend time with their son without you. If she is so concerned about the son going to games without you there to watch then she can get off her butt and take him herself during her weeks. When you and your Dh got married you became important to the equation as well. I'm sure you don't go to every game anyway, so they have plenty of father and son time.

I know this will sound weird but I am so glad that my kids aren't all that talented in or interested in sports. They both do things that require commitments (4-H, scouts and dance) but it is not so time intensive as a sports schedule. My brother's family is busy every night of the week and every weekend with practices and games all year long. It would drive me mad.

 

[mickeyboat]

I hear you, sister. I am generally relieved when a sports season is over because I can have a life again, and I get rid of the cranky, tired soccer players and get my sweet little girls back again.

What stood out in my mind in your posts was the comment about you not being allowed to attend because the ex says it is father/son time. I think you resent this, as would I. BB takes up valuable family time but you are not allowed to make BB a family affair. The ex needs to get over this, and your DH needs to step up to the plate and go to bat for his family. It doesn't need to be an ugly confontation, but he needs to make her understand that if you want to attend games, you should not be prohibited from doing so. There will be many many life events for this child where both of his parents, and possbily their new families, will attend. You all need to find a way to deal with it.

Good luck.

Denae

 

[CookieDiva]

We have SS 50% of the time

They had a large argument in front of SS that this was meant to be father-son time, and I should not be there.

I am guessing that since you have SS at least 50% of the time that it is BB that is supposed to be "father-son time," not the rest of the time that your SS is with you?
Surely you are not supposed to fade into the woodwork 50% of the time?

 

[floridafam]

I agree that your DH needs to tell his ex that this time if part of your family time and you will be at any game you wish to be at. She should not have control over you. I understand you wanting to spend more family and/or alond time with your Dh. Going to the games is one of the ways to do that.

Best of luck and I hope everything works out.

 

[lovemygoofy]

Yes, I am very lucky! No question there!

And, not to sound too sappy, but I /get/ what you are saying. I care about SS a lot. I can honestly say that in a way I love him. I scream my head off when he gets a hit at the game. I sit on the floor and commiserate with him when his dad is really hard on him about something. He is a wonderful kid.

But, when I see my daughter, my heart melts in a way it never has before. I can see, how if it were her, this would not seem like such a sacrifice. (I may get totally flamed for this. I'm just being honest)

However, we do need to have this work for us as a family. I think, as a step-mom, I have to be very thoughtful and deliberate about this, because, as much as possible, the fact that my feelings for SS are different than those for my daugher should affect, as little as possible, how I treat him.

I don't think you are being ugly at all. I think you are feeling left out. Your husband attends the son's games and practices and you aren't supposed to attend when it's not your weekend with him which puts you the odd man out.

Your step son is only 9 and has a whole lot of years left in sports and maybe even multiple sports. It's time to make it a family thing and family involves you and your daughter.

I think it's time to speak with your husband about your feelings. You shouldn't feel left out 50% of the time. It's time for your husband to speak with his ex and you can start attending the games and just not sit beside her. A child that is secure in knowing all his adults love and support him make your family time much easier I believe. Honestly, you aren't sounding unsupportive just more like put out some. Good luck to you.

 

[RachelEllen]

I agree that your DH needs to tell his ex that this time if part of your family time and you will be at any game you wish to be at. She should not have control over you. I understand you wanting to spend more family and/or alond time with your Dh. Going to the games is one of the ways to do that.

Best of luck and I hope everything works out.

To be clear, we have taken this stand this season, now that we are married. It was when we were dating that I agreed not to go on her weeks.

I have a feeling that she just doesn't like baseball, and would prefer that DH take SS to the games on weeks rather than spending the time there herself. There is certainly no other circumstance that we can get any "extra" time with SS. So, it's not that she has to see me. I think it's that she feels it looks bad that step mom attends games when she isn't.

I'm not trying to criticize her as a mom in this regard. She's a very involved, loving mom. SHe's just not a dream ex-wife!

It's just an ugly situation for SS to be in the middle of. We have to balance taking a "stand" on being a family vs putting SS through this stress.

 

[MushyMushy]

I hear your vent! Sometimes these kids sports take up a ridiculous amount of time. I know a few people who barely see their spouses when they take on a bigger responsibility with them, whether it's a step situation or not.

Now the whole thing with the ex thinking you shouldn't be there. Whole other kettle of fish. While I can probably understand the bitter feelings if she didn't want to let go of the relationship, it's time for her to grow up and get over it! I'd have DH nip that in the bud ASAP.

 

[mamacatnv]

I think the bigger issue here is the fact that there is conflict with the Mom and you resent that your DH has not reacted the way you think he should have.

I don't think I have enjoyed 15 hours of ME time in the past 19 years, let alone the past week, part of the job description of parent is selflessness. If you wanted a DH that was exclusive to you, then you should not have married a guy with a child and a joint custody agreement. Since you didn't marry Mr. exclusive, you married a nice guy who loves his son and wants to spend time with him. You will need to figure out how to get rid of your resentment or it will continue to fester as the SS gets older and that is not fair to the SS, he didn't do anything.

Do not resent the time your DH spends with his step son, you will learn that the years fly by and you can't get them back.

Our DS played baseball for many years - spring and fall, his Dad coached or assisted or some years just got him where he needed to be and then stayed with him. Many leagues have a no child alone policy and a parent must stay for the duration.
I score kept, ran snack bars and sat on the board of directors. DD who was 3 weeks old when DS started Fall ball was raised on a sports field, she went to games, hung out in a sling, a backpack or a stroller. Sure, we sometimes got to bed late, we often did homework in the car etc. but we figured it out and made it work just like every other family with kids involved in sports or other activities.

Good luck

 

[stinkerbelle7531]

This is really just a vent, as I don't think there's anything to do.

I have a 9 yr SS and infant daughter. SS loves baseball. He's gradually been moving to more and more intense team situations. As a step-mom, I really don't have much of a say (nor do I think I should) in his activities.

However, this year, we just got his schedule. For the next three months, there are games/practices every Saturday and Sunday and once during the week. I'm dreading this. We have SS 50% of the time, but my husband frequently (almost always) volunteers to take SS to baseball on his mom's days. We've had "discussions" about this, but he really feels strongly that he wants to do this, and, it is what he would be doing if SS lived with us in a "typical" situation. He gets involved in practice, helping out with the drills, and its really a fun time for them.

There are so many different issues here. One, we both work. So, weekends are the only time I have to spend with DH, and it's alreay stressful/hectic enough with a new baby. Depending on whether we are coming from home or picking up SS, practice from start to finish is a 4 - 5 hour activity. That essentially kills the day for much of anything else.

Then, there are the weekday practices. Either, DH has to leave work early to pick up SS to take him to practice. This makes him stressed out about work, and he ends up doing work at home or staying late on nights/weekends when SS isn't there. Or, if its an after 5pm practice, they get home and there is always major homework stress with a tired, cranky 9 year old.

Honestly, I resent that this kid activity takes up so much time. DH can count on the fact that I will make it work with taking care of the baby. I know DH enjoys the baseball, and it's nice to have things you enjoy, but as a working mom, I don't really have the option of spending 12-15 hours a week on a fun activity for myself and assuming that DH will pick up the slack.

This post makes me sick to my stomach. A dad who is involved with his child. I would assume that you want him involved with your child, but not his own. Maybe you should have considered whether he could deal with it before he had another child.

 

[dogluva]

This post makes me sick to my stomach. A dad who is involved with his child. I would assume that you want him involved with your child, but not his own. Maybe you should have considered whether he could deal with it before he had another child.

It doesn't make me sick to my stomach but I have to agree. I have seen toom many kids forgotten about once the father has a new family with another woman. So sad.

I feel bad for the nine year old. I am sure he feels the resentment from his mother and his step-mother.

The OP should be proud that her husband is such an involved father. My husband does all that with my two boys-that is what father's do if they are any kind of a decent father.

My oldest is in college now and no longer plays ball. Both his father and I would love to go back to the days of him playing in little league.

I think the OP would really think differently if it was her daughter playing ball, which she may be someday. I hope what goes around doesn't come around.

 

[stinkerbelle7531]

It doesn't make me sick to my stomach but I have to agree. I have seen toom many kids forgotten about once the father has a new family with another woman. So sad.

I feel bad for the nine year old. I am sure he feels the resentment from his mother and his step-mother.

The OP should be proud that her husband is such an involved father. My husband does all that with my two boys-that is what father's do if they are any kind of a decent father.

My oldest is in college now and no longer plays ball. Both his father and I would love to go back to the days of him playing in little league.

I think the OP would really think differently if it was her daughter playing ball, which she may be someday. I hope what goes around doesn't come around.

I had a hateful step parent. It is absolutely a visceral reaction when I see some woman think her new family trumps the child all ready in the picture.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Yes, I am very lucky! No question there!

And, not to sound too sappy, but I /get/ what you are saying. I care about SS a lot. I can honestly say that in a way I love him. I scream my head off when he gets a hit at the game. I sit on the floor and commiserate with him when his dad is really hard on him about something. When he hated, hated, hated his summer camp last year, I drove my pregnant self over there every day to pick him up early. (I was out of work on disability) He is a wonderful kid.

But, when I see my daughter, my heart melts in a way it never has before. I can see, how if it were her, this would not seem like such a sacrifice. (I may get totally flamed for this. I'm just being honest)
However, we do need to have this work for us as a family. I think, as a step-mom, I have to be very thoughtful and deliberate about this, because, as much as possible, the fact that my feelings for SS are different than those for my daugher should affect, as little as possible, how I treat him.

I am sure your DH feels the same way about his son. Since you have a child you can surely understand that all parents (I would like to think) feel the same way. If you would be selfless for your own dd you can understand that your dh would want to be for his son.
As for taking the baby with him, it IS doable. Yes your ss wants a lot of attention when he is at bb but sometimes you can't always get what you want. That is part of being in a family and he has a sibling now. I know this sounds harsh but you can't always be everything to everyone. Families are a team of sorts imo. We all have to work together. Sometimes that means Dad can only cheer you in the stands instead of throwing you the ball.

Another thing I'd like to add is that if I told you how many hours I spend at activities a week you would pass out! We're not even in a sports season right now! I don't have 15 hours of me time. Heck I don't even have 15 minutes of me time! If I can use the bathroom without an audience I would say that I have accomplished a lot. Dad is not lounging on a boat fishing all day. He is helping his son at one of his activities. I wouldn't exactly call that me time. I think your problem is 2 things. One is that you have some problems that need to be ironed out with the Mom. Your DH needs to address that. The other is that it seems that while you really like your dh's son, you don't really think of him as part of your family. Sure you think he's a great kid and you like that your dh is good to him but in the end it seems like you want your dh to only focus on the family that the both of you created. I am not trying to be harsh because I could understand that but in reality, this boy is his family and will always be.
I hope you get it all straightened out. Good luck!

 

[mickeyboat]

I had a hateful step parent. It is absolutely a visceral reaction when I see some woman think her new family trumps the child all ready in the picture.

I really don't get this vibe from the OP at all.

I am not a step-parent, and I still hate the amount of time sports takes away from my family, and how much it disrupts my peaceful life. And although I love my children with all my heart and they are my proirity, having children does take away from the amount of alone time I spend with my husband. That does not mean I resent my children, it's just the way it is.

 

[Anewman]

Both of my kids play(ed) sports year round, at times we would go months without a practice or game on any day of the week.

My Daughter did this till she graduated from high school, My son is in the 11th grade.

IMO it helps in so many ways...

1. Keeps them off the streets and/or from doing other activities, cuz they are just too busy.

2. Make friends with a crowd that is not into drugs or other activities.

3. They have to keep grades up to play.

4. They get used to the work ethic involved.

5. I can go on...

 

[Traveliz]

Fabulous idea. It's not always practical, as SS likes a lot of attention during the games. (Warm up with dad in the batting cage, catching practice.), Honestly, it's not that I hate baseball. If it's an appropriate time for the baby to be at the game (ok weather, not too late or during a nap), I might as well go as well.

You might need to bend a bit and be more go with the flow - my SS was in travel hockey and my daughter was born during a game (we skipped that game) but from the time she hit 13 days old she was on the road four weekends in a row for tournaments in three different states...so some of the time encompassed naps, bedtime and bad weather (we did skip the outdoor hockey games but we were at all the indoor ones even in the cold). Babies (toddlers) are able to adjust and it may make for a more harmonious home life.

Liz