SS and Baseball Vent (Long)

[Stacerita]

OP - I feel your pain. I don't have a step son in baseball....its my own DD in softball. It does consume all the spare time we had. Three nights a week, plus weekend games. Not to mention all the other stuff. And this is how it will be till the summer rolls around. She loves it and she is a great catcher. I wouldn't dream of not letting her be on this team. But yes, I do resent it at the same time.

 

[barkley]

How on Earth is a three month comitment of three afternoons a week
going to take away from that baby? That baby doesn't know any different, and as she grows up it will only benefit her to see the solid bond that the dad has with his son. Why should the dad be denied the enjoyment of helping to coach his son's team? Maybe he realizes how stinking hard the divorce and consequent "new family" (not reflecting this on the OP at all) was on his son and is taking extra measures to make sure he feels loved and included. Good for him. It too bad ALL divorced parents can't be that devoted.



What kind of control do you think she needs? The kid joined a team....I'm pretty sure if they all asked her permission she would have said yes, so what's the problem?

i think if you re-read what the op has said, it's not just 3 afternoons a week.

it's the 3 afternoons, the time her dh has to be at work nights and weekends to make up for the time he has to leave work early to do the 3 afternoons a week (and for me if the practices are running 4-5 hours it's not 3 "afternoons" it's 3 afternoons and 3 evenings if the son gets out of school and starts practice even as early as 4 p.m.). it's the weekends for the games...it's that when her dh is home he's stressed out over the time committment, it's when the son is with them he's cranky and tired and they are struggling to get him to do his homework.

it takes away from the baby in having her father gone much of the time, it takes away from the baby in having her father stressed when he is around, it takes away from the baby in that the times when everyone is around (including her half sib) everyone is stressed out. it can take away from the baby by virtue of having it's mother stressed and exhausted from being the one who is running herself ragged being the one who is "taking care of buisness" around the home to facilitate dad being gone allot. the baby may not remember it, but can experience the impact of it.

 

[MrsKreamer]

Yes, I am very lucky! No question there!

And, not to sound too sappy, but I /get/ what you are saying. I care about SS a lot. I can honestly say that in a way I love him. I scream my head off when he gets a hit at the game. I sit on the floor and commiserate with him when his dad is really hard on him about something. When he hated, hated, hated his summer camp last year, I drove my pregnant self over there every day to pick him up early. (I was out of work on disability) He is a wonderful kid.

But, when I see my daughter, my heart melts in a way it never has before. I can see, how if it were her, this would not seem like such a sacrifice. (I may get totally flamed for this. I'm just being honest)

However, we do need to have this work for us as a family. I think, as a step-mom, I have to be very thoughtful and deliberate about this, because, as much as possible, the fact that my feelings for SS are different than those for my daugher should affect, as little as possible, how I treat him.

I am sorry, but here I go...

In a WAY you love him???

 

[luvsJack]

Honestly, although it's an important part of the dynamic, I don't think this is primarily a stepfamily issue. However, to address this point specifically, I'd rather we call each other what we are: stepmom and stepson and make those positive things. I don't feel its respectful to his mom to call him my son. (Just as I'd never dream of calling myself his mom)

I am not suggesting that you make him call you mom or calling yourself his mom, I am saying "stop thinking" of him in that manner. My husband is the step father of my boys. They have never called him "dad" , they have always called him by his first name. But, I know in their minds and hearts he is a father to them. He doesn't refer to them as "my step sons" but "my boys" or "my sons". He is not trying to replace their father nor has he ever tried--their relationship with their dad or the lack thereof is a completely separate issue. It is just the way he feels about them. Its not in a name, its all in how you feel about someone.

My dd was a baby during baseball season. I know exactly what you are dealing with. I was big as a barrel pregnant with her and at games where it had to be at least 105 degrees! (or at least I felt that way). After her birth, I lugged play pens and toys and strollers and umbrellas (for sun) and blankets and all the rest of it to every baseball field in south Mississippi. I did it for my son. I never missed a hit or a pitch. She didn't always get to sleep in her own crib during naps, she didn't always get her bath at the "scheduled" time; but you know what? I wouldn't have had it any other way. My son is just as important to me as my daughter. Baseball was important to him so I was there for him. There was no other option to it.

Baseball, football, karate, soccer, and all other activities take up time. But if it is important to your child, it should be important to you.

You and your husband have TWO children. You have to be there for BOTH children.

Think about it this way; if you had a biological son or daughter his age and the baby, the older child played ball (keep in mind, no ex wife in the picture here); would you not do what you had to just to make it work? Get said child to practices with dad, go to games, etc. etc? Why should it be any different with the son your husband already has?

 

[MrsKreamer]

I am not suggesting that you make him call you mom or calling yourself his mom, I am saying "stop thinking" of him in that manner. My husband is the step father of my boys. They have never called him "dad" , they have always called him by his first name. But, I know in their minds and hearts he is a father to them. He doesn't refer to them as "my step sons" but "my boys" or "my sons". He is not trying to replace their father nor has he ever tried--their relationship with their dad or the lack thereof is a completely separate issue. It is just the way he feels about them. Its not in a name, its all in how you feel about someone.

My dd was a baby during baseball season. I know exactly what you are dealing with. I was big as a barrel pregnant with her and at games where it had to be at least 105 degrees! (or at least I felt that way). After her birth, I lugged play pens and toys and strollers and umbrellas (for sun) and blankets and all the rest of it to every baseball field in south Mississippi. I did it for my son. I never missed a hit or a pitch. She didn't always get to sleep in her own crib during naps, she didn't always get her bath at the "scheduled" time; but you know what? I wouldn't have had it any other way. My son is just as important to me as my daughter. Baseball was important to him so I was there for him. There was no other option to it.

Baseball, football, karate, soccer, and all other activities take up time. But if it is important to your child, it should be important to you.

You and your husband have TWO children. You have to be there for BOTH children.

Think about it this way; if you had a biological son or daughter his age and the baby, the older child played ball (keep in mind, no ex wife in the picture here); would you not do what you had to just to make it work? Get said child to practices with dad, go to games, etc. etc? Why should it be any different with the son your husband already has?

I completely agree!!! My stepmother introduces me as her daughter, my kids are her grandchildren. She realized from day one that when she married my dad, she also married me.

 

[luvsJack]

I completely agree!!! My stepmother introduces me as her daughter, my kids are her grandchildren. She realized from day one that when she married my dad, she also married me.

Now, see that is the difference in a step-parent that becomes a parent and one that insists on remaining a "step". It can be a beautiful thing when a child comes to realize they really do have this "extra" parent on their side and loving them too.

All this talk about "steps" always makes me think of an episode of the Brady Bunch. Bobby runs away (I don't remember why but I think it had something to do with having a step-mom and step-sisters), so Carol says she will go with him because he is her son. She tells him the only "steps" in this house are the ones going to his bedroom. I always loved that line! and it always brought on the tears. Ok, enough showing my age.

 

[DVC Sadie]

I completely agree!!! My stepmother introduces me as her daughter, my kids are her grandchildren. She realized from day one that when she married my dad, she also married me.

As it should be.

 

[cheermom1]

I completely agree!!! My stepmother introduces me as her daughter, my kids are her grandchildren. She realized from day one that when she married my dad, she also married me.

Not in all cases my stepsons wouldn't like it if i introduced them as my kids. and we have a great relationship. it depends on how comfortable the kids are with it and everyone else in their lives like say oh I don't know umm their MOTHER! I would NOT do anything that my stepsons are not comfortable with period!

 

[luvsJack]

Not in all cases my stepsons wouldn't like it if i introduced them as my kids. and we have a great relationship. it depends on how comfortable the kids are with it and everyone else in their lives like say oh I don't know umm their MOTHER! I would NOT do anything that my stepsons are not comfortable with period!

You have a great relationship because of how you feel about the kids, that was my point to the OP. She should consider him her child, because when she married his dad this child became as much a part of her life as her biological child is. "Step" is equated with "not really" too many times. I don't care if she calls him "squash", its how she FEELS about the child that matters.

That being said, I know many kids that have been raised in households with step parents. Not one of them has ever been uncomfortable or upset with being introduced as the step parent's kids. I don't understand the problem with having another parent to love or someone knowing their child has someone else to love them. It doesn't take away from the "real" parent. I would have been thrilled if my boys had a step-mother who loved them and thought of them the same way she did her own.

You can love a child as your own and treat a child as your own, without being called "mom" or "dad". Again, its not about what a child is called or the parent is called; it is all about how they feel about each other and how they treat each other.

 

[RachelEllen]

Wow! A lot to reply to today.

As far as the "step" issue. Yes, in a way I love him. Like in a different way than I love my mom, my husband, my biodaughter. Not bad, just different. Maybe it's different for stepfamilies when another parent is absent, or after many years, but we have been married less than one year. SS has a loving, involved mom with whom he lives for half the time. He and I have a very good relationship. One that I hope will continue to develop over many, many years. At some point, I may love him "like a son." But he's not my son. I'm, I believe a positive adult addition to his life. But I'm not his mom.

I'm really not trying to make him less than. But I feel odd claiming a relationship that I don't think I've earned (?yet)

As far as baseball if he were my own son. Whole other set of issues. I honestly believe that while I might suck it up and do it for his sake, I would still not be thrilled with it. Plus, aren't most of more receptive to committments that we have gotton ourselves into rather than those that are unexpected or that we are thrust into.

It's like I told my husband. Please just ask me before making plans to take him to baseball on ex-wife's weekends. I can't imagine ever saying "no." But I'd like the arrangement to be between the two of us.

Finally, I'm not sure how my daugther got so involved in this thread. I never said I thought the baseball was affecting her badly. (As far as time and attention from her dad.) She's 5 months old. It's a nonissue.

I did go to the last game of fall season at about 36 weeks. (when I was moved from bedrest to modified). It was over 100 degrees. I ended up sitting in the dugout (only shade) and wiping down with ice cubes. Truly miserable!
I've taken the baby to severeal games. A few where I kept her in a sling under my coat it was so cold. So, I promise, I'm not against going to games!

I almost wish I had never put the step issue into this. Like I've said, I don't think it is primarily a step-parent issue. Heck, ex-wife happily gives us SS for game time (the /only/ extra time we get from her)

In case anyone cares, I did sit down with DH and we went over the schedule. Which helped /enormously/. We decided that on weekdays that SS is with ex-wife, DH would volunteer to come to the practice and take him home, but would not offer to take him to the practice. (Let's him stay at work almost an extra hour.) Leaving work is not an option for me, but the games are all on weekends. At this point, I'm only planning to skip the two that end after 9pm. I know my baby, and she would be a fussy wreck if not put to bed.

And, finally, we decided that if ex-wife asked, we would inform her of my intention to go or not go to a particular game. But say that this was not a committment not to go, and I could change my mind. If she requires us to make a committment that I will not be there in order to let DH take SS to the practice, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

 

[RachelEllen]

I would have been thrilled if my boys had a step-mother who loved them and thought of them the same way she did her own.

Your a very generous person. It has been made very clear to me by ex-wife that she would rather I don't exist. I have been asked not to leave my car when picking up and dropping off step-son. Once, when SS was vomitting at our house, and DH was busy tending to him, I send her an email note that he was sick. (DH wasn't going to, and I thought she would want to know.) She asked me not to email her about any personal issues. The worst, in my opinion, is when DH was dropping off SS and had DD in the car. He asked ex-wife if she would like to see SS's "sister" and, in front of ss, she replied "It is only his half-sister."

I make a concerted effort to be positive about her in front of SS because he loves her. But she is not in any way welcoming.

(In case anyone is curious, we do feel strongly about not using the term "half-sister." Unlike "mom," you are not making anyone less by calling them brother and sister. They are the only brother and sister that each other have. And, well, if you had seen my awesome SS insist on staying in the baby room at YMCA while I worked out for an hour - rather than going to the big kids room where there was basketball and computer games - so he could make sure they were nice to his sister, he's totally earned the "brother" label. - i was a very proud stepmom)

 

[MrsKreamer]

I just can't phathom marrying someone when I did't love their kid. Even if it isn't the same as loving your own child. I mean if he spends 50% of his life living with you he is going to realize that you don't love him like a relative.

 

[bunny]

If she requires us to make a committment that I will not be there in order to let DH take SS to the practice, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

I agree with everything you said except for this. She shouldn't have this power anymore. You are a third parent and not just going to disappear. If she does say this, DH needs to stand up to her.

 

[cheermom1]

I just can't phathom marrying someone when I did't love their kid. Even if it isn't the same as loving your own child. I mean if he spends 50% of his life living with you he is going to realize that you don't love him like a relative.

that is your opinion and you are entitled to it as anyone who doesn't feel the same is entitled to their opinion about marrying someone with kids but doesn't love their children as much as their own.

doesn't mean it's a bad thing just different then what you would do.

 

[RachelEllen]

I just can't phathom marrying someone when I did't love their kid. Even if it isn't the same as loving your own child. I mean if he spends 50% of his life living with you he is going to realize that you don't love him like a relative.

On the flip side, how do you develop a loving relationship with a kid other than spending time, doing for them, becoming important in their life. And my DH was comfortable exposing his kid to someone to that extent before he was sure he was in a very serious relationship. Honestly, I feel like some people are saying that if you can't create insta-loving step families than you must automatically be in some evil, dysfunctional, semi-abusive situation. (to use hyperbole to make a point.)

We've been married less than a year. He is a wonderful boy. I care about him a lot. I'm growing to love him. I'm sure I will love him more in the future. I don't see any of this as a negative thing.

 

[RachelEllen]

I agree with everything you said except for this. She shouldn't have this power anymore. You are a third parent and not just going to disappear. If she does say this, DH needs to stand up to her.

Yes, but to what end. Do I show up to games to "make a point" to ex-wife and create a horriblely tense situation for SS? It's still his mom. SS is very protective of his mom's feelings. We went through this when I innocently attended a game with DH while were dating. It was not pretty.

 

[cheermom1]

On the flip side, how do you develop a loving relationship with a kid other than spending time, doing for them, becoming important in their life. And my DH was comfortable exposing his kid to someone to that extent before he was sure he was in a very serious relationship. Honestly, I feel like some people are saying that if you can't create insta-loving step families than you must automatically be in some evil, dysfunctional, semi-abusive situation. (to use hyperbole to make a point.)

We've been married less than a year. He is a wonderful boy. I care about him a lot. I'm growing to love him. I'm sure I will love him more in the future. I don't see any of this as a negative thing.

you're right i remember on another thread the advise was for her NOT to met the kids till she knew they were going to get married so HOW can you love a kid you never met?

 

[Mouse House Mama]

On the flip side, how do you develop a loving relationship with a kid other than spending time, doing for them, becoming important in their life. And my DH was comfortable exposing his kid to someone to that extent before he was sure he was in a very serious relationship. Honestly, I feel like some people are saying that if you can't create insta-loving step families than you must automatically be in some evil, dysfunctional, semi-abusive situation. (to use hyperbole to make a point.)

We've been married less than a year. He is a wonderful boy. I care about him a lot. I'm growing to love him. I'm sure I will love him more in the future. I don't see any of this as a negative thing.

I hope your dh can get things straightened out with his ex. He needs to deal with that.
Now for what I bolded. I think the point that some people are trying to make is that since your dh had a child already you should have developed that relationship long before you decided to get married to him. The reason being is that they come as a package. You cannot love one and then try to grow to love the other sometime in the future. It is not like a pet that you can re-home. What if you decide in the future that having this other family to deal with is too much of a drain and you really don't like the child? Who get hurt the most then? The child. I know nothing is guaranteed in life but for me personally I think you should have had a better relationship with the child before you got married. Too late now for that but if I was you I would do as much as I could.
Your DH has really dropped the ball imo with the ex. Why does he continually allow her to treat his son and you and and dd the way she does? I understand that some people are just idiots and she sounds like one but your dh needs to have a chat with the ex without the kids present and try to get past all of this. Otherwise this will be all of your lives forever. That is not fair to anyone.
Of course this is only my opinion. I wish you the best of luck.

 

[MrsKreamer]

that is your opinion and you are entitled to it as anyone who doesn't feel the same is entitled to their opinion about marrying someone with kids but doesn't love their children as much as their own.

doesn't mean it's a bad thing just different then what you would do.

Never said anyone was bad.

 

[lovemygoofy]

On the flip side, how do you develop a loving relationship with a kid other than spending time, doing for them, becoming important in their life. And my DH was comfortable exposing his kid to someone to that extent before he was sure he was in a very serious relationship. Honestly, I feel like some people are saying that if you can't create insta-loving step families than you must automatically be in some evil, dysfunctional, semi-abusive situation. (to use hyperbole to make a point.)

We've been married less than a year. He is a wonderful boy. I care about him a lot. I'm growing to love him. I'm sure I will love him more in the future. I don't see any of this as a negative thing.

I don't have step children but I am a step child. I can assure you that there was no love lost for a long time between myself and my step dad, my step siblings or them and my mom. If I could have pushed them off the boat when my mom and dad(step dad) first married I sure would have. I honestly think he probably felt the same way. It's 15 years now and I love him like my real dad and do call him dad and call my step siblings my brothers and sister. It tooks years and fights and my parents gritting and their teeth and forcing us to be together to finally like, enjoy and love each other.

I don't think instant love and family just happens. This child doesn't love the OP just like he loves his mom. I'm sure sometimes he just endures her because she is with his dad.

I do think that at some point, OP, you have to start thinking of yourself including your stepson as a family. Whether he is there half time or not you are now a family. Weird, disfunctional, loving, hating or whatever you are now a family. It's time to quit looking at the son as someone that takes up time in your husband's life and away from family time. Your daughter know has a brother. Start encouraging that relationship and start your own relationship with your stepson. On the nights he comes over, have him come help you in the kitchen or something that you can cultivate your own relationship with him outside of just the relationship with your husband.

Love just doesn't happen instantly. It has to be planted and cared for and it takes effort. Please start making the effort. Twenty years down the road you'll be so glad you did.