SS and Baseball Vent (Long)

[luvsJack]

RachelEllen, I think its the fact that you said "in a way I love him" that puts up the red flags. But I am thinking that you don't mean it the way it sounds. I am thinking you really do love this child, maybe you are just trying to find your place in his life.

I am sure dealing with an ex wife like that is hard and I hope that her childish behavior does not ever reflect on your relationship with your stepson. You are right to be positive about her in front of him, and believe me I know how hard that can be to do. (I used to spend a lot of time in the bathroom ranting in a whisper to dh about my ex and his wife. )

I know what you mean about the "half" sister stuff. My boys will let anyone in their dad's family know real quick that dd is their SISTER. She is very special to both of them and they won't stand for any "half" stuff.

Your last post about being a proud step-mom sounds like you are on the right track to becoming a family with your stepchild included. I hope the best for all of you.

It is hard working all this stuff out and allowing all the parents the time with their child. Just remember, you will not be able to make ex wife like you or accept you if she refuses to. Your stepson loving you as a parent will not take anything away from her. Don't be afraid to let him love you and to love him like a parent should. The only thing that can take away from her relationship with him is her own actions.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

you're right i remember on another thread the advise was for her NOT to met the kids till she knew they were going to get married so HOW can you love a kid you never met?

Have a long engagement.

 

[MrsKreamer]

On the flip side, how do you develop a loving relationship with a kid other than spending time, doing for them, becoming important in their life. And my DH was comfortable exposing his kid to someone to that extent before he was sure he was in a very serious relationship. Honestly, I feel like some people are saying that if you can't create insta-loving step families than you must automatically be in some evil, dysfunctional, semi-abusive situation. (to use hyperbole to make a point.)

We've been married less than a year. He is a wonderful boy. I care about him a lot. I'm growing to love him. I'm sure I will love him more in the future. I don't see any of this as a negative thing.

Never said anything about evil, dysfunctional, or abusive...

 

[RachelEllen]

I hope your dh can get things straightened out with his ex. He needs to deal with that.
Now for what I bolded. I think the point that some people are trying to make is that since your dh had a child already you should have developed that relationship long before you decided to get married to him. The reason being is that they come as a package. You cannot love one and then try to grow to love the other sometime in the future. It is not like a pet that you can re-home. What if you decide in the future that having this other family to deal with is too much of a drain and you really don't like the child? Who get hurt the most then? The child. I know nothing is guaranteed in life but for me personally I think you should have had a better relationship with the child before you got married. Too late now for that but if I was you I would do as much as I could.
Your DH has really dropped the ball imo with the ex. Why does he continually allow her to treat his son and you and and dd the way she does? I understand that some people are just idiots and she sounds like one but your dh needs to have a chat with the ex without the kids present and try to get past all of this. Otherwise this will be all of your lives forever. That is not fair to anyone.
Of course this is only my opinion. I wish you the best of luck.

Thanks for the good wishes.

DH has been divorced for 8 years. SS doesn't even remember them as a couple. I have accepted that this is my life, she will not change, and the point is to make it as good for SS as it can be. (Never criticizing him mom, always communicating with her in a pleasant way, etc)

It's funny, I have always thought that he importnat part of love is what you do. Not just a feeling. I said in the very first post. This is a vent. There is no danger of SS not doing baseball. If I don't have certain "feelings" /as strongly as if he were my own child,/ that means I have more of a reponsibility to treat him lovingly and fairly. I have a certain faith that the feelings will keep developing as an outgrowth of how I act.

 

[RachelEllen]

I do think that at some point, OP, you have to start thinking of yourself including your stepson as a family. Whether he is there half time or not you are now a family. Weird, disfunctional, loving, hating or whatever you are now a family. It's time to quit looking at the son as someone that takes up time in your husband's life and away from family time. Your daughter know has a brother. Start encouraging that relationship and start your own relationship with your stepson. On the nights he comes over, have him come help you in the kitchen or something that you can cultivate your own relationship with him outside of just the relationship with your husband.

Love just doesn't happen instantly. It has to be planted and cared for and it takes effort. Please start making the effort. Twenty years down the road you'll be so glad you did.

Honestly, just because I don't like going to baseball every weekend doesn't mean we aren't doing this. I guess I'm starting feel a little defensive. But, I was the one who taught SS you could make banana bread out of nasty bananas and squish them with your bare hands. I play computer games with him (which his dad hates). SS loves money (not spending, just the idea of it), and I, after asking his dad, set up a bank account for him so he could get interest on his allowance.

I agree, it doesn't happen instantly

 

[bunny]

To me, you already sound like a great stepmom. And it is definitely true that feelings develop over time. You may never love your stepson the same as your own daughter but you can still love him. There are different types of love. The only reason I brought up confronting the ex was because I have been in your situation. It only got worse over time not better. And you can see that your husband's ex hasn't changed after 8 years. Maybe she will never change, but your husband has to take a stand for you.

Back to the subject of sports, don't feel bad if you don't feel like going to every game. My son is in baseball. After doing it 5 nights a week for a few months, you burn out. It doesn't mean you are a bad parent. Believe it or not, the child won't remember if you came to every game or not. He will remember if you are happy, so take some time to care for yourself too.

 

[Keli]

I just ran across this thread and I've read the whole thing.
I have no comments in particular to your situation but rather to you in general:
I think you are working hard at doing the right thing for everyone in each situation and that is the best course of action. IMHO you are doing a good job.