Snowflake children

[Ohiodislover]

My co-worker (male) often talks about the trials and tribulations over raising his 9 yo son. However I don't think it's a normal set of troubles.

The boy is constantly obsessing about death, his own, his parents, etc. The state of the world bothers him. It has gotten to the point that they cannot watch the news because it upsets him so much.

They watched the movie "Nim's Island" and he cried so much when the father was lost at sea that they had to stop watching it. He wants to play sports but is not very good so he obsesses constantly about it. He is a cub scout but is afraid of everything so camp-outs are a nightmare. The parents have to accompany him to everything and constantly reassure him of his worth. The parents are both very well educated, older (50s). The kid is very wan looking with huge dark circles under his eyes. He reminds me of the kid in Sixth Sense.

I am not sure if this is a snowflake or helicopter parent situation but it concerns me when I hear about it.

Poor kiddo. Can you imagine living life constantly afraid of everything? Obsessing about death is NOT typical, especially for a 9 year old kid. I don't think he's a snowflake, I think that child may need help.

I agree. I think this is something that should be addressed with a professional.

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

Scenerio: I have no babysitter and HAVE to take the kids to the grocery store. If the little one is acting up and raising hell....no...I'm not taking he/she out, we are going to soldier on and get what we need. If some old woman has the audacity to tell me to take my kid out.....I'm going to tell her to **** off. Seriously, for real.

I have never understood the "take them out if they're acting up" philosophy. Generally kids do that because they want to leave. "Soldiering on" is what's going to teach the kid that they aren't the boss. It also leads to there being food in the house which, in my experience, is also quite important.

I ran a preschool program when my son was small. I'm also a single mom with no babysitter outside of work hours, so my child was forever being dragged to the toystore to pick up some art supply we needed. Going to the toy store twice a week to buy things for other people's kids is rough on the kid, but buying something for him would have been worse. We had a couple of whining fits about why I couldn't get him something. If I had left it would have been a reward, so we "soldiered" through, and the fits disappeared.

 

[allison443]

May not be relevant, but I just recalled something I saw yesterday at the mall. A woman was in the bookstore with her toddler (probably 2 or 3 years old). He was on one of those leash things. She was picking up books and reading the dust jackets while he was, of course, pulling out books and touching stuff. She kept saying over and over in an annoyed tone: I said don't touch. I said don't touch. I said don't touch.

My thought was - you are standing there reading books. The kid is bored and on a leash, standing in one spot, staring at a wall of books. GIVE HIM SOMETHING TO PLAY WITH! Don't keep repeating the same thing over and over and over. SHEESH!

Yeah, how about giving the kid a book to look at? They were in a bookstore!

 

[Magpie]

My co-worker (male) often talks about the trials and tribulations over raising his 9 yo son. However I don't think it's a normal set of troubles.

The boy is constantly obsessing about death, his own, his parents, etc. The state of the world bothers him. It has gotten to the point that they cannot watch the news because it upsets him so much.

They watched the movie "Nim's Island" and he cried so much when the father was lost at sea that they had to stop watching it. He wants to play sports but is not very good so he obsesses constantly about it. He is a cub scout but is afraid of everything so camp-outs are a nightmare. The parents have to accompany him to everything and constantly reassure him of his worth. The parents are both very well educated, older (50s). The kid is very wan looking with huge dark circles under his eyes. He reminds me of the kid in Sixth Sense.

I am not sure if this is a snowflake or helicopter parent situation but it concerns me when I hear about it.

I'd go with option 3 - neither snowflake nor helicopter parent! Non-abusive, well-meaning parents generally aren't the cause of their children's mental health issues. It's heredity or genetics or misfortune or some combination of all of the above.

His parents are most likely doing the best they can, in a very difficult situation. Poor kid!

FWIW, while overwhelming fear is a real problem, the death obsession is actually pretty common in bright children, mainly because they understand intellectually what death means before they're old enough to cope with it emotionally. My daughter first started crying about death when she was about 4 years old and terrified that we'd die before her and leave her all alone. She was about 12 when she sobbed copiously through lots of otherwise harmless movies, such as "Click" (when the main character dies briefly) and "The Fiddler on the Roof" (when the father rejects his daughter).

However, my approach is a little different - when she was four, I told her souls are eternal so no one has to leave anyone if they don't want to, and I pinky-promised to haunt her as long as she needs me. And I force her to watch to the end of movies, because I feel it is VERY important that she get the whole story and experience the happy ending.

However, my daughter is just bright and sensitive. She doesn't have an anxiety disorder, so I can actually get away with saying, "Suck it up, buttercup!" It wouldn't work with other kids. Some kids are fragile and it's not their fault, or their parents fault. Trying to toughen them up just does more harm than good.

 

[MaleficentandGoons]

May not be relevant, but I just recalled something I saw yesterday at the mall. A woman was in the bookstore with her toddler (probably 2 or 3 years old). He was on one of those leash things. She was picking up books and reading the dust jackets while he was, of course, pulling out books and touching stuff. She kept saying over and over in an annoyed tone: I said don't touch. I said don't touch. I said don't touch.

My thought was - you are standing there reading books. The kid is bored and on a leash, standing in one spot, staring at a wall of books. GIVE HIM SOMETHING TO PLAY WITH! Don't keep repeating the same thing over and over and over. SHEESH!

I HATE seeing kids on leashes to me it just screams, "I can't control my kid." Maybe if she paid some attention to him instead of treating him like a yorkie, he would listen to her.

 

[Holly]

I HATE seeing kids on leashes to me it just screams, "I can't control my kid." Maybe if she paid some attention to him instead of treating him like a yorkie, he would listen to her.

Do strollers scream that?
Cribs?



I never used leashes for my own kids but I've never understood why people hate them so much. I know several twins moms who use them because keeping track of two toddlers can be difficult.

 

[mom2rtk]

I'd go with option 3 - neither snowflake nor helicopter parent! Non-abusive, well-meaning parents generally aren't the cause of their children's mental health issues. It's heredity or genetics or misfortune or some combination of all of the above.

His parents are most likely doing the best they can, in a very difficult situation. Poor kid!

FWIW, while overwhelming fear is a real problem, the death obsession is actually pretty common in bright children, mainly because they understand intellectually what death means before they're old enough to cope with it emotionally. My daughter first started crying about death when she was about 4 years old and terrified that we'd die before her and leave her all alone. She was about 12 when she sobbed copiously through lots of otherwise harmless movies, such as "Click" (when the main character dies briefly) and "The Fiddler on the Roof" (when the father rejects his daughter).

However, my approach is a little different - when she was four, I told her souls are eternal so no one has to leave anyone if they don't want to, and I pinky-promised to haunt her as long as she needs me. And I force her to watch to the end of movies, because I feel it is VERY important that she get the whole story and experience the happy ending.

However, my daughter is just bright and sensitive. She doesn't have an anxiety disorder, so I can actually get away with saying, "Suck it up, buttercup!" It wouldn't work with other kids. Some kids are fragile and it's not their fault, or their parents fault. Trying to toughen them up just does more harm than good.

I absolutely agree with this and my heart goes out to those parents.

When my very bright son was young, we loved to watch shows together on the History Channel. One day we were watching a show on armageddon, and it REALLY upset him. No details, just believe me he was really upset. Bothered him to the core. He "got" what it meant. And he was too young to put it in perspective. Fortunately as a senior in high school, he's growing into his intelligence now, and we can watch shows on the History Channel again, like the one on Yellowstone and how it's overdue for a massive volcanic eruption that will likely kill us all or starve us to death! (See, I guess I'm not too bright to cope with that!)

My point is, it's hurtful for outsiders to make assumptions without all the information. Many might have a brief interaction with that family and assume they were just being helicopter parents (which fortunately no one here has done). But hearing something like that would only add to their pain. Maybe things have happened in a person's life to change how they parent. You just don't know. And drive-by criticism doesn't help a thing, and in fact may hurt.

 

[Magpie]

I HATE seeing kids on leashes to me it just screams, "I can't control my kid." Maybe if she paid some attention to him instead of treating him like a yorkie, he would listen to her.

I don't hate seeing kids on leashes, because I saw how useful a leash was for my cousin. Her son was autistic and she also had a toddler. She couldn't hang on to her autistic child physically every moment of the day, nor could she strap him into a stroller (he would just scream endlessly if he was restrained). So she put a stretchy telephone cord style leash on him - it kept him safe, because he could not be counted on to stay close, and it gave him a feeling of freedom, too.

Also, my grandmother was required to put leashes on her toddlers when she took a troop ship over to Japan, to be with my grandfather. She didn't want to do it, because she felt it looked bad, but the commander wasn't taking any chances with babies flinging themselves into the ocean.

SOME parents use leashes in a lazy way. But that doesn't mean leashes are always inappropriate, or unnecessary. I didn't have to use a leash, but I don't think that makes me a better parent than my cousin. It just makes me a luckier one. (BTW - you couldn't tell from looking at her son that he was autistic. He looked completely normal, like a kid ignoring his parents.)

 

[penn19]

Do strollers scream that?
Cribs?



I never used leashes for my own kids but I've never understood why people hate them so much. I know several twins moms who use them because keeping track of two toddlers can be difficult.

I don't see too many dogs in strollers or a crib......

 

[Holly]

I don't see too many dogs in strollers or a crib......

And?



Perhaps you should try compartmentalizing a little- the fact that dogs use leashes doesn't mean that people shouldn't use them for children as a tool to keep them safe.

 

[Disney Doll]

Scenerio: I have no babysitter and HAVE to take the kids to the grocery store. If the little one is acting up and raising hell....no...I'm not taking he/she out, we are going to soldier on and get what we need. If some old woman has the audacity to tell me to take my kid out.....I'm going to tell her to **** off. Seriously, for real.

Well, aren't you just a speshul snowflake?

 

[Scurvy]

I don't see too many dogs in strollers or a crib......

I've seen dogs in strollers fairly often, oddly enough. Also cats and in one case a ferret.

I haven't seen dogs in cribs but then since I'd have to actually go to someone's home to see that, it could easily go on and I just haven't gone to the right homes.

 

[Magpie]

I don't see too many dogs in strollers or a crib......

You know there ARE doggy strollers out there. I've seen them.

http://www.justpetstrollers.com/

And what is a crate, if not a crib for a dog?

FWIW, my children never slept in a crib, but I certainly don't hate the sight of them. Some families need them.

(Puppies and toddlers... they're really not so different... )

 

[golfgal]

I HATE seeing kids on leashes to me it just screams, "I can't control my kid." Maybe if she paid some attention to him instead of treating him like a yorkie, he would listen to her.

When our twins were toddlers you BET I used a "leash" on them when I was out with the 3 kids alone, especially shopping.

 

[Scurvy]

(Puppies and toddlers... they're really not so different... )

As funny as it is, it's kind of true! Neither one is old enough to have a good sense of self preservation yet and they are both very impulsive, so it's up to the people who are caring for them to do whatever they have to in order to protect them. If the tools that end up working best for each of them happen to be similar, I don't know why that's a bad thing. The most important thing is keeping them safe and healthy until they can learn to take care of themselves and those tools are no longer necessary.

 

[Disney Doll]

I don't mind kids acting out but it is within certain guidelines. I have seen, for example, a woman with a approx. 4 year old the day before Christmas in a retail store. The child got into his mind that there was a toy that he wanted and was quite vocal about it. This went on for about 20 minutes. He would yell, scream and tantrum that he wanted that toy. His mother would say, we are not buying any toys, tomorrow is Christmas. Over and over and over. This kid had lungs that would pierce steel. She managed to make it to the checkout and I guess it was just too embarrassing for her because at the last minute, she was almost out of there, she gave in and got it for him.

If only she knew that after she left the discussion of the rest of the customers was how disappointed they were that she gave in. He never should have gotten away with that...he needed to be taught a lesson of behavior. As it was he learned that if he keeps it up he gets what he wants. When I was a kid just half that type of behavior got me hours sitting in the corner "thinking about what I had done".

Anytime I see a child being disrespectful to his or her parents, I see red. I have seen a kid in line calling his father stupid because he didn't get a FP. I was with my grown daughter at the time. I turned and asked her what she thought would have happened if she ever spoke to me that way, even at WDW. She gave an instant and correct response..."we would have been back in the room so fast we wouldn't have known what hit us. She was correct. I didn't make idol threats, they were realistic and my kids knew that I was going to follow through. Act a little wild a home...but in public you are flirting with extreme danger.

Dad, Mom...is that you??????
My parents imparted to my brother and I very early on the type of behavior that was expected, and that's the behavior they got. And, no, they did not hit us. I can probably count on one hand the number of times I got spanked.

There were no idle threats in my family. If they said "If you do that again, this will happen" ...believe me, if I did "that" again, "this" happened. I spent dinner at Howard Johnson's sitting in the car with my mother because she told me if I acted up one more time, we'd be sitting in the car. Me, in my 7 year old wisdon, was SURE she wouldn't miss a restaurant dinner, so I acted up. Guess who sat in the car? Me & Mom. Guess who regretted every second of acting up while she was sitting in said car? That would be me. She never raised her voice, but did give me a blow by blow description of what my brother and father were probably eating (cheeseburgers and chocolate shakes...the ultimate Howard Johnson's meal for those who remember the 70's)...Howard Cosell couldn't have done a better job commentating that meal! And then, of course, a hot fudge sundae for dessert. I, of course, acted up early in the meal, so I hadn't eaten anything. When we got home, I got a bowl of cereal and a 630pm bedtime. This taught me 2 things: DON'T act up in public and if they say it, they mean it. I wasn't stupid...I never tested the theory again.

That doesn't happen now. Kids rule the family and parents dance like marrionettes at the end of the strings to keep Junior happy.

 

[Disney Doll]

My co-worker (male) often talks about the trials and tribulations over raising his 9 yo son. However I don't think it's a normal set of troubles.

The boy is constantly obsessing about death, his own, his parents, etc. The state of the world bothers him. It has gotten to the point that they cannot watch the news because it upsets him so much.

They watched the movie "Nim's Island" and he cried so much when the father was lost at sea that they had to stop watching it. He wants to play sports but is not very good so he obsesses constantly about it. He is a cub scout but is afraid of everything so camp-outs are a nightmare. The parents have to accompany him to everything and constantly reassure him of his worth. The parents are both very well educated, older (50s). The kid is very wan looking with huge dark circles under his eyes. He reminds me of the kid in Sixth Sense.

I am not sure if this is a snowflake or helicopter parent situation but it concerns me when I hear about it.

That's a kid with some big psych issues that I hope they are addressing....

 

[Magpie]

Dad, Mom...is that you??????
My parents imparted to my brother and I very early on the type of behavior that was expected, and that's the behavior they got. And, no, they did not hit us. I can probably count on one hand the number of times I got spanked.

There were no idle threats in my family. If they said "If you do that again, this will happen" ...believe me, if I did "that" again, "this" happened. I spent dinner at Howard Johnson's sitting in the car with my mother because she told me if I acted up one more time, we'd be sitting in the car. Me, in my 7 year old wisdon, was SURE she wouldn't miss a restaurant dinner, so I acted up. Guess who sat in the car? Me & Mom. Guess who regretted every second of acting up while she was sitting in said car? That would be me. She never raised her voice, but did give me a blow by blow descirption of what my brother and father were probably eating (cheeseburgers and chocolate shakes...the ultimate Howard Johnson's meal for those who remember the 70's)...Howard Cosell couldn't have done a better job commetating that meal! And then, of course, a hot fuoge sundae for dessert. I, of course, acted up early in the meal, so I hadn't eaten anything. When we got home, I got a bowl of cereal and a 630pm bedtime. This taught me 2 things: DON'T act up in public and if they say it, they mean it. I wasn't stupid...I never tested the theory again.

That doesn't happennow. Kids rule the fmaily and parents dance like marrionettes at the end of the strings to keep Junior happy.

I've sat outside restaurants with my kids, too!

I often discussed with the kids the kind of behavior I expected before we went anywhere. I also discussed the consequences. I took my kids outside many times, but it wasn't a reward for them. (Especially not in winter! ) It was just a way of driving home that uncivilized behavior isn't welcome in civilized company. And it never meant giving up and going home - no, it meant sitting on the sidewalk until the child is ready to behave appropriately, and then back inside we go.

No spanking here, either.

 

[Ohiodislover]

I've sat outside restaurants with my kids, too!

I often discussed with the kids the kind of behavior I expected before we went anywhere. I also discussed the consequences. I took my kids outside many times, but it wasn't a reward for them. (Especially not in winter! ) It was just a way of driving home that uncivilized behavior isn't welcome in civilized company. And it never meant giving up and going home - no, it meant sitting on the sidewalk until the child is ready to behave appropriately, and then back inside we go.

No spanking here, either.

This is what I did too. However one time in Walmart, I laid down on the floor and screamed and stomped my feet. My 4 y.o. stood there in horror, and didn't make a peep the rest of the trip. Just wanted her to have a taste of how embarrassing it was.

 

[Scurvy]

This is what I did too. However one time in Walmart, I laid down on the floor and screamed and stomped my feet. My 4 y.o. stood there in horror, and didn't make a peep the rest of the trip. Just wanted her to have a taste of how embarrassing it was.

I bet she never forgot that lesson!