SIL wedding- WWDY?

[Magic Mom]

If we do go, all of you that are encouraging me to go, have to promise me that the next time you are on a plane with a screaming toddler, you will think of this exact situation and not judge the parents. I do not want to subject an entire plane to six hours of temper tantrums, but I may have been put in a situation that I don't have a choice.

Too funny!! I like how you think!

When DS was 2 (18 years ago) we moved to Germany and I had to travel with him alone because Dh went over before us. I was terrified, but it worked out OK. He got his own seat (I don't do lap babies, that would make me crazy), he had his car seat so he would feel secure and comfortable. I also bought a new backback and filled it with brand new things for him to play with and his favorite snacks. He didn't see the backpack or the toys until the day we flew. I got him up really early and wore him out so he would be ready for a nap when the flight was underway. He had his moments, but for the most part I was able to manage him without any major meltdowns.

Whatever you decide, good luck.

 

[dngnb8]

What I did in same situation

Since I couldnt make the wedding, I sweetened the gift as sort of an apology

 

[bumbershoot]

Surely anyone with a brain and any human compassion will understand a major move across country and a deployment.

I agree.


Now...I'm coming from the perspective of someone with a SIL (husband's sister, that is...I'm not talking about the fabulous brother's wife here!) whose wedding I wouldn't attend for a million dollars...but I just don't think it's ALL that important to move heck and high water, and force a little dude on a plane when he obviously doesn't enjoy that mode of travel, and force yourself to be stressed out, and spend money you don't necessarily have (though I think you guys might be overestimating what it costs to fly out of Seattle, if that's where you're moving), for such an event.

After all, you told her what timing would be easiest (I assume she welcomed that information at the time) and she chose another time; heck, maybe youv'e read her wrong, and she doesn't need you there!


Especially with stressful travel involved, your husband will be better able to focus on his sister and her wedding, if he goes it alone, IMO.

And remember, you don't even have to give them a reason. Traveling to the wedding simply doesn't work for you and your son, and you are sad to miss it, and that's the end of the sentence.

 

[Pembo]

I'd send DH and leave it at that.

Ditto what she said!

 

[Anne MN]

I ordinarily would be on board with me staying extra time, but DH is getting ready to deploy, and I don't want to take time away from him and DS. Its going to be tough on DS as it is, I want him to get in as much Daddy time as he can before he has to go.

Plus the wedding is shortly after we move out there, so I'm still going to be in the throws of unpacking and setting up the house.

I am going to keep looking for tickets, but really I think its more about traveling with DS than it is the money, he really is tough traveler!

Military moving across country is NO fun! BTDT still unpacking from last PCS!
DH is deploying soon after he arrives at new duty station- is he really going to be allowed to take the time for a wedding (assuming it's not during block leave) they have ALOT of stuff to get done before deploying- SRP, all gear checked, new stuff issued.... and some units have mandatory lock-down- can't go anywhere!

 

[Ciciwoowoo]

I agree with others... Perfectly acceptable to send just DH to the wedding. It is his family, baby wasn't invited, and its heck to travel with a toddler!

 

[Mkrop]

If for some reason you all so decide to go, can you take the red eye and have your DS sleep on the plane? I dont know if that would work. My boys would have been able to do that except for landing when they have horrible ear troubles.

 

[onelilspark]

Wait...your son isn't invited?

Then yeah, send your DH. As someone who chose not to have children at my wedding, it also meant that I couldn't get upset at people when they chose to stay home with their child (my cousin came, her husband stayed at home with their 8 month old.)

I really see no issue and think it's fine for your DH to go by himself.

One of my best friends is getting married in June. We're planning on moving this spring, so I don't think we'll both be able to go to the wedding. I'll go on my own. Problem solved.

 

[Disneybuckeye]

It really sounds you do not wish to undertake this adventure, and since you have your DH's blessing, I would opt out. He gets family time and you don't have to travel. Win-Win.

About 15 years ago DH had to miss his sister's wedding. She planned it kind of last minute. It was down in Florida in June and we live in Ohio, close to most of her family. We already had a spring break trip planned to Disney and had already bought our airfare before she decided to get married. DH and I both worked, and DH's family never watched out kids. We did not have enough vacation time to take extra days around the wedding due to having to cover school days off. My mother always came to visit the first week of school to cover 4 half days that week, so I did not feel comfortable asking her to do more. We could not afford more air tickets at that time to fly as we had recently bought a new house and only budgeted for one vacation that year.

The only way we could have attended was to leave after work on Friday and drive all night, get there for an 11 am wedding and lunch reception, and then leave early Sunday morning and drive home. All of this with a 3, 5, and 6 year old in the car with us. Needless to say we had to decline.

Had we known prior to planning and paying for our spring break trip DH could have gone by himself. I would have kept the kids over spring break by myself and saved him a week of vacation to use then.

You have to do what is best for your family as we had to do what was best for ours.

 

[englishteacha]

My nephew is getting married next fall, when baby will be about 3 months old. It's 4.5 hours away by car, and with a baby who will need feeding and changing and such, it's going to be closer to 5 or 6 hours away and we'd have to stay overnight somewhere. I honestly don't know if we'll go, and I don't think I want to be away overnight without her when she's so little. (I'll be nursing) It's a very, very long drive, and we don't know if baby's going to be a good traveler as she's not here yet! If she doesn't travel well, I wouldn't take her. In your case, I'd send your DH with lots of love, and maybe a cute video wish from you and your son sending love to your SIL/son's Auntie.

 

[Stephanie218]

Military moving across country is NO fun! BTDT still unpacking from last PCS!
DH is deploying soon after he arrives at new duty station- is he really going to be allowed to take the time for a wedding (assuming it's not during block leave) they have ALOT of stuff to get done before deploying- SRP, all gear checked, new stuff issued.... and some units have mandatory lock-down- can't go anywhere!

That was my first thought as well. My husband had a TON of workups and mandatory training before the deployments, and besides his 1 - 2 weeks of block leave, wasn't allowed to take off any time during that period. Maybe he's already gotten this approved though?

Honestly, I would just send your DH. I've done the cross-country military move, and it was tough for me without a kid! Especially with the emotional stress of a deployment coming up, you have a lot going on. If your son can't even go to the wedding, I really wouldn't stress about it. It's more important to do what is best for your immediate family. Your DH will be there to represent you & your son.

 

[Disney Doll]

Send hubby but don't give a bunch of excuses about DS not being a good traveller. That just sounds silly that you're letting a 2 year old decide your travel schedule. Frankly, the more the child is exposed to travel, the better he'll be about it. My uncle was in the military and had 5 kids and they moved and flew all over the country and the world for all their lives. There was no such thing as a "bad traveller" because there was no chocie about needing to travel.

I think you're better off saying that between the move and the deployment, it's just too much.

 

[laughinplace199]

Do you have any role in the wedding (bridesmaid, doing a reading, etc)? As long as you're not in the wedding, I think it's fine for your DH to go without you, especially since he's the one who suggested that you and your DS stay home.

Like others have said, I wouldn't use the baby being difficult to travel with as an excuse. I would hope that with your move and your DH being deployed soon after the wedding, his family would be understanding of your situation.

 

[okeydokey]

Send hubby but don't give a bunch of excuses about DS not being a good traveller. That just sounds silly that you're letting a 2 year old decide your travel schedule. Frankly, the more the child is exposed to travel, the better he'll be about it. My uncle was in the military and had 5 kids and they moved and flew all over the country and the world for all their lives. There was no such thing as a "bad traveller" because there was no chocie about needing to travel.

I think you're better off saying that between the move and the deployment, it's just too much.

Especially since they have traveled several times to Disney with him. The family would probably not take that well.

 

[DopeyDame]

Send hubby but don't give a bunch of excuses about DS not being a good traveller. That just sounds silly that you're letting a 2 year old decide your travel schedule. Frankly, the more the child is exposed to travel, the better he'll be about it. My uncle was in the military and had 5 kids and they moved and flew all over the country and the world for all their lives. There was no such thing as a "bad traveller" because there was no chocie about needing to travel.

I think you're better off saying that between the move and the deployment, it's just too much.

Every family has different dynamics, so none of us can tell you how important it is for you to go or not go. I know in my family, I couldn't imagine a sibling or sibling-in-law missing a wedding. When you marry into our family, you become one of 'us' - for better or worse so if one of my BILs didn't come to my wedding, I'd be crushed.
That said, all families are different, so the expectation may not be there at all in your case. However... if you don't go, leave out the bit about your son not being a good traveller. No 2 year old boy is (I say this as the mom of a 2.5 year old son!) Just keep it sweet and simple - "I'd love to come, but it's just too much right now."

 

[FayeW]

I have a question that has absolutely nothing to do with the wedding, but as the spouse of a retired member of the Canadian military, I feel compelled to ask anyway:

Why the heck are you going to the trouble of moving all the way across the country only to have your husband deploy and leave you alone, with a small child, in a strange place?? Can't you and your son stay where you are now until his deployment is finished?? Moving lock,stock and barrel across the country, away from everything familiar and the safety net of family nearby, only to be left completely alone for an extended period, makes absolutely zero sense to me. Can't your husband go unaccompanied?

 

[RachaelA]

I have a question that has absolutely nothing to do with the wedding, but as the spouse of a retired member of the Canadian military, I feel compelled to ask anyway:

Why the heck are you going to the trouble of moving all the way across the country only to have your husband deploy and leave you alone, with a small child, in a strange place?? Can't you and your son stay where you are now until his deployment is finished?? Moving lock,stock and barrel across the country, away from everything familiar and the safety net of family nearby, only to be left completely alone for an extended period, makes absolutely zero sense to me. Can't your husband go unaccompanied?

Because she wants to be with her husband before he deploys. Why should she spend even more time away from him when they could spend it together.

 

[malibuconlee]

Because she wants to be with her husband before he deploys. Why should she spend even more time away from him when they could spend it together.

This! Also unless they moved in with family while he's at his next duty station pretty sure they would have to pay for one of their living quarters out of pocket as their BAH wouldn't cover both (housing allowance).

Same thing when soldiers stationed in Germany or elsewhere deploy...the family stays in their housing in Germany. Most anyway.

ETA: I've also seen where a military wife goes and stays with family (after they begged her to come) and have it not work out. The family didn't give any help. I've seen wives with deployed soldiers do so much for one another. They understand what the other is going thru. She won't get that "at home". Not the same level of understanding. It's amazing what military families do. They will be the first to volunteer help because they know what it's like to not have family around to rely on.

 

[FayeW]

This! Also unless they moved in with family while he's at his next duty station pretty sure they would have to pay for one of their living quarters out of pocket as their BAH wouldn't cover both (housing allowance).

Same thing when soldiers stationed in Germany or elsewhere deploy...the family stays in their housing in Germany. Most anyway.

ETA: I've also seen where a military wife goes and stays with family (after they begged her to come) and have it not work out. The family didn't give any help. I've seen wives with deployed soldiers do so much for one another. They understand what the other is going thru. She won't get that "at home". Not the same level of understanding. It's amazing what military families do. They will be the first to volunteer help because they know what it's like to not have family around to rely on.

Can't the military member live in the barracks for the short time before deployment and the family stay wherever they are now? If the military is going to pay to house the dependents, what difference does it make where they live while the member is deployed? Isn't the rent payment coming from the member's pay cheque anyway?

I ask because my husband has gone to postings unaccompanied when it was in the best interests of our family for him to do so. I am not meaning to be argumentative, but I really fail to understand how it is ever in the best interests of the family to be moved to a strange place and immediately be left behind while the member goes on an extended deployment.

 

[brookmey]

If it's not in the budget and not something that you want to do, I wouldn't do it. Your husband can represent your family and you can send your regrets. If your son won't even be allowed to be at the wedding, there is just no point putting everyone through the stress.

If my kids were not allowed at their aunt's wedding, there is no way I would put them on a 6 hour flight just so I could go.

We drove (airfare was too expensive for us at the time) from MI to CO for my sister's wedding when DS was 9 months old and DD was 3. It was pure torture and when we finally arrived, I was so stressed and exhausted I didn't even enjoy the wedding. Even though it was my sister, I regret going and would never do that again. DH and I often say that I should've just gone by myself.

And remember, you don't even have to give them a reason. Traveling to the wedding simply doesn't work for you and your son, and you are sad to miss it, and that's the end of the sentence.

Even though it might be tough because it seems like we're hardwired to give reasons or explanations for our decisions, you really don't owe anyone, not even the bride, a reason. It just doesn't work out for you right now, plain and simple. I've found that if you give people reasons, they have arguments to use against you to point out that your reasons are hogwash or to pick the reasons apart and use against you when it's convenient. It's better to say too little than to say too much.