SIL wedding- WWDY?

[CandleontheWater]

So, I think DS and I are not going to be able to go to SIL wedding, and I'm afraid that Dh's family is not going to be happy.

DH is military and we found out that we are moving to the west coast. We told SIL (DH's sister) when she got engaged that we were going to have to move late spring 2012 (although at the time we didn't know where), and that it would be much easier for us to make the wedding if she had it before we moved.

She set the date for her wedding for this summer, which is fine, its her wedding and her choice. I wanted a summer wedding too, so I understand!

The problem is that now it is going to be a huge expense to buy three plane tickets (something like $1500 for the three of us), not to mention how hard it is to travel with a toddler. Its a really long flight (around 6 hours) and then add in the travel time to and from the airport, that's a long day for anyone let alone a 2 year old.

My son is not a great traveler, and having to drag him back and forth across the country twice in four days just seems crazy. Not to mention that he is not invited to the wedding, so putting him (and us!) through that just to stay with my parents for the weekend seems double crazy.

I think that DH will go, but me and DS will stay home. I'm not particularly close with my SIL, but DH's family is really overly sensitive, and I'm afraid that they are going to get really angry if they don't go.

If we were still living on the east coast, of course we would go, but the time, expense and trauma of traveling with DS is really making me think that we should stay home. What would you do?

 

[NHdisneylover]

First of all, I do think it is fine to just send your husband. I really do.

Second, with this much time to be looking I would think almost anywhere from the west coast could be gotten to for less than $500 a person. Where do you need to fly to and from?

Third, do you work outside the home? If not, what I would do is plan on staying another week or two (even if my husband had to return for work) and spending some time with my family. Then the trip out is more worthwhile, you do not miss the wedding of a close family member--and it helps when you move to know you get to visit again soon.

 

[Janepod]

I agree that at minimum your brother should go, but I would really make the effort for it to be all three of you. Children become better fliers all the time as they get older. Be vigilant regarding air fares. To miss a family member's wedding would really be a terrible shame.

 

[Pigeon]

I think an invitation is not a command performance. I would do what I thought was best for my family, send a nice gift, and if others want to get their knickers in a twist, that's not my problem. In your case, I'd send dh and not think twice about it.

I have a nephew getting married on the West coast next fall. No way are we paying for four of us to fly out there for a weekend. Dh is a teacher, so we couldn't take extra time. My MIL is having a cow because she thinks everyone must turn out, but that's her issue, not mine.

When I issue invitations to something, I'm delighted if people can come, but certainly have no expectations that they must.

 

[MrsDuck]

I'd send DH and leave it at that.

 

[Mkrop]

First of all, I do think it is fine to just send your husband. I really do.

Second, with this much time to be looking I would think almost anywhere from the west coast could be gotten to for less than $500 a person. Where do you need to fly to and from?

Third, do you work outside the home? If not, what I would do is plan on staying another week or two (even if my husband had to return for work) and spending some time with my family. Then the trip out is more worthwhile, you do not miss the wedding of a close family member--and it helps when you move to know you get to visit again soon.

I totally agree with this post. I would try to extend the trip, and how often are you going to get back, so it might be nice for your parents to spend time with your DS.

I just can not imagine missing a siblings wedding, even DH's sibling. It just doesnt sit right with me and our family dynamic, but I know not everyone works like that.

 

[Bren's Mom]

First of all, I do think it is fine to just send your husband. I really do.

Second, with this much time to be looking I would think almost anywhere from the west coast could be gotten to for less than $500 a person. Where do you need to fly to and from?

Third, do you work outside the home? If not, what I would do is plan on staying another week or two (even if my husband had to return for work) and spending some time with my family. Then the trip out is more worthwhile, you do not miss the wedding of a close family member--and it helps when you move to know you get to visit again soon.

Yeah that...and I would add...

Do your parents live where your SIL lives or near enough? If so, I would definitely keep watch for less expensive plane tickets and plan to stay longer than a weekend if you can.

I also think that if SIL wants you both there so badly, that you spend your cash on the ticket and that is your gift to her. Perhaps get her something small but meaningful after the festivities are over when your budget can bear it.

And I know if you post the dates and airports needed you'd get plenty of help finding less expensive tickets.

 

[bunkkinsmom]

Hmmmmmm. I like the idea of staying an extra week at home if that's the only time difference. It seems like that would solve most of the issues, just going by your post.

Also, a bit of advice for your SIL from a wedding professional.........
It's fairly inexpensive to hire an onsite nanny for a couple of hours. This way children could be invited to the wedding and your guests don't have to find childcare. The nanny would bring games and things for the children to play in a separate area, and your SIL doesn't have to worry about small children disrupting her ceremony. (Assuming that is the reason she didn't invite your son.) FYI......... if a family member that close invited DH and myself and did not invite my kids, then only one of us would be going at the most.

 

[CandleontheWater]

I ordinarily would be on board with me staying extra time, but DH is getting ready to deploy, and I don't want to take time away from him and DS. Its going to be tough on DS as it is, I want him to get in as much Daddy time as he can before he has to go.

Plus the wedding is shortly after we move out there, so I'm still going to be in the throws of unpacking and setting up the house.

I am going to keep looking for tickets, but really I think its more about traveling with DS than it is the money, he really is tough traveler!

 

[Minnesota!]

First of all, I do think it is fine to just send your husband. I really do.

Second, with this much time to be looking I would think almost anywhere from the west coast could be gotten to for less than $500 a person. Where do you need to fly to and from?

Third, do you work outside the home? If not, what I would do is plan on staying another week or two (even if my husband had to return for work) and spending some time with my family. Then the trip out is more worthwhile, you do not miss the wedding of a close family member--and it helps when you move to know you get to visit again soon.

I agree with the above...

If DH's family is that sensitive (my IL's are too..it sucks!), I would attempt to go. With DH deploying, you will want their support to get you through, and if you slight them on the wedding, they may not be there for you as you need them to be. It's only 6 hours - a small amount of time in order to make people happy and keep peace in the family.

Look for airline deals.

 

[Magic Mom]

I kind of sounds like you just don't want to go, and that's fine. But I wouldn't use the "trauma" of flying for you son as a reason. Just tell them you can't come but DH will be there and you send your best wishes and love.

If you really do want to go, but don't think your son can handle it, don't worry about it. With some preplanning, you can make the trip a breeze. I also think you can find airfare for cheaper than 500 a piece.

 

[Bren's Mom]

I ordinarily would be on board with me staying extra time, but DH is getting ready to deploy, and I don't want to take time away from him and DS. Its going to be tough on DS as it is, I want him to get in as much Daddy time as he can before he has to go.

Plus the wedding is shortly after we move out there, so I'm still going to be in the throws of unpacking and setting up the house.

I am going to keep looking for tickets, but really I think its more about traveling with DS than it is the money, he really is tough traveler!

That's understandable. And, ultimately, you have to do what is right for your family.

So just a few other thoughts:

What does DH want? Since it's his sister, what HE wants (imo) should hold more weight.

How long after the wedding does dh deploy? If it's 6 months, that argument is likely not going to fly with his family (kwim?) and will sound more like an excuse not to come. If it's 6 weeks, they're more likely to buy it.

Do you have any vacations planned where you'd need to travel between the time you move and the time dh deploys? If so, know that his family will know about that travel and it will likely add to their upset if you didn't go to the wedding due to ds being a poor traveler, but DID go on vacation.

Just trying to point out the potential pitfalls. IL stuff is hard sometimes. So I'd defer to dh first, and if he thinks it's too much (money, time, whatever) then him going for a quick 4 day trip is reasonable. Just be careful about how the reasons for that are presented to the bride/ILs to keep the peace as much as possible...as weddings/wedding planning are often so fraught with family drama and high emotion.

I also would not suggest a sitter to the bride. However, if it's something dh and his mom can chat about if you decided that bringing ds was possible (both physically and monetarily)...I'd have dh do that then, talk to his mom and make the suggestion but ONLY if you were willing to pay for said nanny. Otherwise it would be very rude to make that suggestion.

Good luck, hope it works out.

 

[goofyintoronto]

I'd send DH and leave it at that.

I kind of sounds like you just don't want to go, and that's fine. But I wouldn't use the "trauma" of flying for you son as a reason. Just tell them you can't come but DH will be there and you send your best wishes and love.

If you really do want to go, but don't think your son can handle it, don't worry about it. With some preplanning, you can make the trip a breeze. I also think you can find airfare for cheaper than 500 a piece.

I agree with the above. I think its fine to for your DH to go alone. If you dont want to go, dont go. Just tell them your sorry and cant come, and leave it at that. If they complain to your DH about your absense, well too bad. They'll get over it eventually. As long as your DH is there thats what matters!

 

[okeydokey]

Let your DH handle his family. What are his thoughts?

I have learned that when we travel to DHs family, I let him lead. When people ask if we can visit them and want to make plans during that trip, I tell them to talk to DH. They are less likely to be bothered if they think it is his plans we are following.

 

[CandleontheWater]

I kind of sounds like you just don't want to go, and that's fine. But I wouldn't use the "trauma" of flying for you son as a reason. Just tell them you can't come but DH will be there and you send your best wishes and love.

If you really do want to go, but don't think your son can handle it, don't worry about it. With some preplanning, you can make the trip a breeze. I also think you can find airfare for cheaper than 500 a piece.

I don't want to go because I don't want to drag DS across the country. If we had family on the west coast that would watch him, I'd have to problems going at all.

That's understandable. And, ultimately, you have to do what is right for your family.

So just a few other thoughts:

What does DH want? Since it's his sister, what HE wants (imo) should hold more weight.

How long after the wedding does dh deploy? If it's 6 months, that argument is likely not going to fly with his family (kwim?) and will sound more like an excuse not to come. If it's 6 weeks, they're more likely to buy it.

Do you have any vacations planned where you'd need to travel between the time you move and the time dh deploys? If so, know that his family will know about that travel and it will likely add to their upset if you didn't go to the wedding due to ds being a poor traveler, but DID go on vacation.

Just trying to point out the potential pitfalls. IL stuff is hard sometimes. So I'd defer to dh first, and if he thinks it's too much (money, time, whatever) then him going for a quick 4 day trip is reasonable. Just be careful about how the reasons for that are presented to the bride/ILs to keep the peace as much as possible...as weddings/wedding planning are often so fraught with family drama and high emotion.

I also would not suggest a sitter to the bride. However, if it's something dh and his mom can chat about if you decided that bringing ds was possible (both physically and monetarily)...I'd have dh do that then, talk to his mom and make the suggestion but ONLY if you were willing to pay for said nanny. Otherwise it would be very rude to make that suggestion.

Good luck, hope it works out.

It was actually DH's suggestion for me and DS to stay home. HE doesn't want to travel with DS either! I keep thinking if it was my family, I would definitely leave DS with DH and just go by myself, and everyone would understand.

We also don't have any vacations planned before DH deploys, and we are certainly not doing anything on the east coast anytime soon. Maybe we'll fly back for one Christmas, but other than that, for the time we are out there, we're staying out there, no cross coast trips.

 

[21hearts]

Honestly if you couldn't find cheaper airfare I would just send DH. If by chance you did fnd cheaper airfare then its up to your DH & you if its worth the cost of all three of you flying in for the wedding (which you said your DS can't even attend so basically you would be taking him so your DH & you could go a wedding and DS would be watched by someone else during it).

If I was in the situation I would send DH. His family is also the kind to get bent out of shape if the kids or I didn't go but tuff cookies.

 

[JaneBanks]

I don't know. For me, I would find it really hard not to go to my husband's sister's wedding. A cousin, I'd miss if I had to but not a sibling.

That's a tough one.

 

[AlexWyattMommy]

My advice - don't listen to anyone here.

YOU do what is right for YOUR family.

Your family is not a democracy that I or anyone else gets a vote in.

Best of luck to you with your decision making.

Thank you and your husband for serving our country.

PS- I know she asked for advice, but I still think this should be a family discussion.

 

[wishesuponastar]

If you can find a way to afford the flights to the wedding, I would go with your DH. Like a pp said, for a sibling yes, a cousin no. Your parents can get some grandson time in while you're at the wedding. Hope for the best on the plane with DS. Are you allowed to bring a portable dvd?

Thank you to your hubby for his service

 

[mamacatnv]

We live in the West and DH's family is in the East.
He has flown home solo for a wedding and his fathers 75th b-day. His presence was important, the rest of us, not so much. If it had been feasible we all would have gone, but it wasn't so we sent him. It worked out just fine.