Should I be annoyed?

[nunzia]

Not sure what this has to do with the OP... the fact that one grandparent was lost too soon doesn't mean that these grandparents aren't intrusive and annoying.

Anyway, yes, I'd be annoyed, because they seem to have known how you feel about distributing photos and did it anyway. That should be considered rude in anyone's book. If I wanted to be mean, I'd make sure any future photos they get are digital only, and not print quality.

wow..big leap here.. maybe the MIL IS intrusive and annoying, or maybe OP is just prickly..who knows. Yes, I agree that if OP didn't want pictures sent and this was CLEARLY overlooked or maybe even done to irritate, then that is one thing, but this over the top tone on grandparents is a bit upsetting from a grandparent's point of view. I really don't get the huge deal..as many said, life is really too short and this is not that big of a battle to pick. My MIL from my first marriage was HORRIBLE and I wouldn't let her watch my son (she was a flat out drunk) but if there was a cute picture of my son she wanted to send in her Christmas cards it would not be a big deal.
I guess I really am lucky to have 2 DIL who value what I bring to their kids lives and a daughter who really still needs me. I'm happy they all want me to travel with them on vacations and love the scrapbooks I make for them. I'm so glad I don't have a DIL who would get so angry at me for considering my grandkids a bit of me and wanting to share that. My sons are lucky too..right?

this real,ly eye opening..wow..

 

[tlbwriter]

this real,ly eye opening..wow..

It's good to have our eyes opened sometimes.

 

[KarenAylwood]

wow..big leap here.. maybe the MIL IS intrusive and annoying, or maybe OP is just prickly..who knows. Yes, I agree that if OP didn't want pictures sent and this was CLEARLY overlooked or maybe even done to irritate, then that is one thing, but this over the top tone on grandparents is a bit upsetting from a grandparent's point of view. I really don't get the huge deal..as many said, life is really too short and this is not that big of a battle to pick. My MIL from my first marriage was HORRIBLE and I wouldn't let her watch my son (she was a flat out drunk) but if there was a cute picture of my son she wanted to send in her Christmas cards it would not be a big deal.
I guess I really am lucky to have 2 DIL who value what I bring to their kids lives and a daughter who really still needs me. I'm happy they all want me to travel with them on vacations and love the scrapbooks I make for them. I'm so glad I don't have a DIL who would get so angry at me for considering my grandkids a bit of me and wanting to share that. My sons are lucky too..right?

this real,ly eye opening..wow..

Eyes opened to the fact that there are people out there that don't get along with their MILs for more than just serious reasons (like the one you mentioned)?

You may not have a DIL that would get angry for doing something like this because you likely treat them with respect and kindness- like they're actually part of the family. There are many MILs out there who do not, and who are intrusive and who consider the DIL as extraneous baggage in the family equation. Or IL's who have never had daughters and somehow are surprised when DILs get mad when they're called fat or the IL's voice their disapproval of the name they chose or how they decided to decorate the nursery (just a few random examples of course ).

Like many others I consider this situation a crossed boundary, especially since MIL knew the OP's feelings about privacy. Speaking as a DIL, there are many things my MIL does that drives me nuts. If I explained them all here, many people would probably say "seriously? How can you get mad about that? Life is too short." It's hard to explain the family dynamic in just a few examples. I am infuriated by their unfair treatment of my SIL, the only other DIL in the family. They don't consider her part of the family and blatantly ignore her during dinners, but then expect to stay with them all the time to see their grandchild. There are many IL's out there who don't respect boundaries because they don't respect the DIL.

Yes, life is too short but it's to be expected that someone will feel annoyed/hurt/angry if they are disrespected or perceive a situation as disrespectful.

 

[kjetjl]

oops

 

[kjetjl]

My mother in law has done and said some very nasty things to me over the years. We do not have the greatest relationship.

I will admit that sometimes she does things that irritate me that would not irritate me if done by someone else because of our history. It is at those times, I just like to vent a little and get over it. For a long time, my DH did not see/hear the digs,etc. and that was the most frustrating. Now he lets me say my peace, we laugh about it and I go on.

Every once in a while, MIL will truly do or say something that is very offensive. Then it is for my DH and I to decide if it something worth confronting her on. That offensive thing might be trivial to someone else but sometimes it is just the final straw in a long line of "trivial"
offenses but it just screams disrespect of me as a person, mother and wife. kwim??

She is not an evil person, we just do not see eye to eye and I feel that instead of acknowledging those differences, she feels the need to change me to fit some kind of expectation she had of a daughter in law. I try hard to remember she is mother to DH and grandmother to my children....but even my older kids see a difference in how she treats me vs. the other in laws. They still love their grandma; and I try to explain to them that it is just sometimes there is a clash in personalities and you just have to be respectful of that.

 

[YO's Mom]

Well, personally I think the OP is being a little overly-sensitive, but I have been thinking of reasons why she is so protective of her children’s photos.

Maybe she or her husband is famous in some way – entertainer, athlete, politician – and they try to keep their children out of the public eye.

Perhaps the husband has a crazy ex who the MIL keeps in touch with who would try to pass off the picture as her children with the husband.

Or, the obvious answer here – they are in the witness protection program.

 

[Tinkerbellie16]

Ah, the bond between MIL and DIL. I know it I regularly ask for feedback from bystanders so I get a fresh perspective. So I think you asking is a good step!

It is very hard to get out from your own perspective and unless you ask your MIL directly and have a discussion, you will not know her intentions. I believe that it was pride in her family that led her to do this because I don't think she would put together cards and send them to all her family and friends at Christmas ONLY to take a jab at you.

And unlike some other posters, I believe grandparents have rights to their grandchildren. We, as parents, do not OWN our children. We have been given the priveledge to raise children to send them off on their own and do good in society. And they will have relationships with their grandparents no matter what we do (and that's good!)

My opinion? Throw caution to the wind and try working on that relationship with your MIL! I bet you will be much happier and you won't worry too much about things like a Christmas card. And if you don't want to outwardly try to talk through things with your MIL, than it is time to stop letting the little things get to you.

 

[RachaelA]

And unlike some other posters, I believe grandparents have rights to their grandchildren. We, as parents, do not OWN our children. We have been given the priveledge to raise children to send them off on their own and do good in society. And they will have relationships with their grandparents no matter what we do (and that's good!)

Children at least until they are old enough to drive won't have a relationship with their grandparents unless their parents allow them to have that relationship. You can stop your children from knowing their grandparents. Not saying its always right, but in some cases it can be necessary.

OP, I would have been extremely ticked off and my DH would be having a major conversation with his mother about boundaries. I'm annoyed at my own ILs for stealing my pictures/videos off my facebook and posting them on theirs without asking me. All I want is to be asked before they share my stuff and pictures of my kids with people I don't know!

 

[nunzia]

Eyes opened to the fact that there are people out there that don't get along with their MILs for more than just serious reasons (like the one you mentioned)?

You may not have a DIL that would get angry for doing something like this because you likely treat them with respect and kindness- like they're actually part of the family. There are many MILs out there who do not, and who are intrusive and who consider the DIL as extraneous baggage in the family equation. Or IL's who have never had daughters and somehow are surprised when DILs get mad when they're called fat or the IL's voice their disapproval of the name they chose or how they decided to decorate the nursery (just a few random examples of course ).

Like many others I consider this situation a crossed boundary, especially since MIL knew the OP's feelings about privacy. Speaking as a DIL, there are many things my MIL does that drives me nuts. If I explained them all here, many people would probably say "seriously? How can you get mad about that? Life is too short." It's hard to explain the family dynamic in just a few examples. I am infuriated by their unfair treatment of my SIL, the only other DIL in the family. They don't consider her part of the family and blatantly ignore her during dinners, but then expect to stay with them all the time to see their grandchild. There are many IL's out there who don't respect boundaries because they don't respect the DIL.

Yes, life is too short but it's to be expected that someone will feel annoyed/hurt/angry if they are disrespected or perceive a situation as disrespectful.

Right..and as I said..if the MIL was doing all this to SPITE her DIL then yes, she has a case..if this is just the DIL's PERCEPTION and not fact, then maybe she should look inward and maybe..try to have a semi decent relationship with her MIL..it goes both ways.

 

[prncess674]

As far as she is concerned, it is HER son and HER grandchildren - they're not my husband or my children. I honestly believe that she knew this would upset me and intentionally mailed the card extra early knowing that there would be a problem. It was the first christmas card we received this season.

I think I need to learn to meditate or something!

I think you are the one who sounds over controlling and prickly. Does she now get demoted from mother of her son now that he is married.

I am all for privacy, but sharing family photos with friends isn't a big deal. I know a 100 cards sounds like a lot, but I know that my parents easily have a 100 friends and wouldn't think twice of them sending that many cards.

My guess is you don't like your MIL and the fact that your DH still has a relationship with HER (as you say) so you take every opportunity to stick it to HER with every little thing.

Grandparents like to brag on their kids/grandkids and she wanted to share the joy of her grandkids.

I think you need to chill out and have a glass of eggnog and realize she didn't send their photo to the registered sex offenders list.

 

[CAFarmerGirl]

wow..big leap here.. maybe the MIL IS intrusive and annoying, or maybe OP is just prickly..who knows. Yes, I agree that if OP didn't want pictures sent and this was CLEARLY overlooked or maybe even done to irritate, then that is one thing, but this over the top tone on grandparents is a bit upsetting from a grandparent's point of view. I really don't get the huge deal..as many said, life is really too short and this is not that big of a battle to pick. My MIL from my first marriage was HORRIBLE and I wouldn't let her watch my son (she was a flat out drunk) but if there was a cute picture of my son she wanted to send in her Christmas cards it would not be a big deal.
I guess I really am lucky to have 2 DIL who value what I bring to their kids lives and a daughter who really still needs me. I'm happy they all want me to travel with them on vacations and love the scrapbooks I make for them. I'm so glad I don't have a DIL who would get so angry at me for considering my grandkids a bit of me and wanting to share that. My sons are lucky too..right?

this real,ly eye opening..wow..

You sound like a nice MIL...can I trade my MIL for you?

I think our answers to the OP depend on our own very biased opinions. Unfortunately, I have a MIL that does not respect boundaries and there are little things she does that may seem insignificant in and of themselves, but when taken and piled on top of the other issues, may be the straw that broke the camel's back. I have had my MIL tell my son when he was 4 to shut up and threatened to spank him when he woke up from a nap and started crying because I wasn't home (I had just started back to work and she came over 1x a week to help out...until I found out she did that). She has made fun of his soccer skills when he wasn't a very good goalie (he was 5). There are other issues, but I finally drew the line when I told her every time she says/does something without thinking (see above examples) then there are ramifications. We never had her babysit again and we never invited her to watch my kids play sports. I told her this in an effort to enlighten her as to her bad behavior in hopes she would "see the light" and be able to spend time with our family. She then accused me of always hating her. That was the straw for me. It seems small, but given our background over the last 10 years, I just couldn't spend another second on her.

I do think the OP should be upset as (INMHO) her MIL clearly overstepped bounds and did something she *knew* her DIL did not appreciate. You sound like you respect your DILs and would never think to do something that you knew would peeve them.

 

[fortwildernessishome]

You sound like a nice MIL...can I trade my MIL for you?

I think our answers to the OP depend on our own very biased opinions. Unfortunately, I have a MIL that does not respect boundaries and there are little things she does that may seem insignificant in and of themselves, but when taken and piled on top of the other issues, may be the straw that broke the camel's back. I have had my MIL tell my son when he was 4 to shut up and threatened to spank him when he woke up from a nap and started crying because I wasn't home (I had just started back to work and she came over 1x a week to help out...until I found out she did that). She has made fun of his soccer skills when he wasn't a very good goalie (he was 5). There are other issues, but I finally drew the line when I told her every time she says/does something without thinking (see above examples) then there are ramifications. We never had her babysit again and we never invited her to watch my kids play sports. I told her this in an effort to enlighten her as to her bad behavior in hopes she would "see the light" and be able to spend time with our family. She then accused me of always hating her. That was the straw for me. It seems small, but given our background over the last 10 years, I just couldn't spend another second on her.

I do think the OP should be upset as (INMHO) her MIL clearly overstepped bounds and did something she *knew* her DIL did not appreciate. You sound like you respect your DILs and would never think to do something that you knew would peeve them.

This!!!!! If you have a lovely MIL, then you may think whats the big deal of having my kids of grandmas card. Ifyou have a MIL that has made an effort to make your life a living h*ll, then your opinion is going to be vastly different. My MIL is the later. Heres an example of how "loving" she is.....we have a tradition that we take a picture of our boys every year at the Christmas scene at the Markerplace/Downtown Disney. We have done it every year for the last 12. We LOVE it and enjoy looking at them every year to see how much the kids have grown. Years ago, after doing it for the third time, MIL made a snide comment about it, the following year, she was snide again, asked if I just sent out the same card every year!!!!! HUH???? If she actually looked at the card she would see that the kids have grown every year. But she enjoyed looking for ways to find fault in me.......whatever, we have never sent her a card since then. Who complains about someones Christmas card to their face, especially one that pictures your own grandchildren.........well thats my MIL!!! Lucky me! To the OP, I can see your frusteration............not everyone has nice inlaws who treat their grandchildren and grandchildrens parents with respect.

 

[lakelandgal70]

I don't have kids but I totally think you have every right to be annoyed. They should have asked first and then respected your answer if you said no.

 

[MSLRAC]

This!!!!! If you have a lovely MIL, then you may think whats the big deal of having my kids of grandmas card. Ifyou have a MIL that has made an effort to make your life a living h*ll, then your opinion is going to be vastly different. My MIL is the later. Heres an example of how "loving" she is.....we have a tradition that we take a picture of our boys every year at the Christmas scene at the Markerplace/Downtown Disney. We have done it every year for the last 12. We LOVE it and enjoy looking at them every year to see how much the kids have grown. Years ago, after doing it for the third time, MIL made a snide comment about it, the following year, she was snide again, asked if I just sent out the same card every year!!!!! HUH???? If she actually looked at the card she would see that the kids have grown every year. But she enjoyed looking for ways to find fault in me.......whatever, we have never sent her a card since then. Who complains about someones Christmas card to their face, especially one that pictures your own grandchildren.........well thats my MIL!!! Lucky me! To the OP, I can see your frusteration............not everyone has nice inlaws who treat their grandchildren and grandchildrens parents with respect.

My MIL went a step further than complaining about our Christmas card the year DS was born, she sent it back return to sender. Apparently she was still upset because I had DH ask her to leave the morning he was born because she showed up to the hospital drunk at 7 am.

Anyway, I think this the bottom line is that the OP is a very private person and the MIL needs to respect that. If the OP would not send out a family photo Christmas card then the MIL certainly should not send one out with a picture of them.

Also OP, I would make sure that your DH addresses your family's privacy with you MIL in regards to her Facebook page. If she is sharing photos and she does not have some privacy restrictions on her page, then she could be sharing them with anyone in the world that happens to stumble upon her page.

 

[NotUrsula]

You know, it's funny, I don't have a FB page and I don't post recognizable photos of my children anywhere, nor do I allow them to be posted on any open public sites, but it never occurred to me to be concerned about old-fashioned paper photos. I never think twice about what people do with those, and if I have a good photo of someone in the family and I happen to be writing to someone else in the family, I might pop one in for them to enjoy.

I'm part of a very large globally scattered family, and it has usually been the case that no one got to go home again once they emigrated. The photos are the only way that most of the family knows what anyone outside the country looks like. (About 14 years ago I visited an older aunt of mine for the first time. She and I had been corresponding since I was a child, but she is my Dad's sister, and my mother was the photo-sender; when I got out of the car she just stood there kind of blinking -- she had had no clue what I was going to look like; the color of my hair actually shocked her because I take after my mom that way and she had been picturing me more with my dad's complexion.) On another trip a cousin of mine pulled out a huge cache of photos of me as a child, photos that I don't have and had never seen -- my mother sent nearly every photo she ever took overseas, but did not keep prints for herself. It is really quite nice to find unknown photos treasured by friends and family members, most of whom tend to take better care of them than the people who took them did.

 

[hotmamac]

I'd be downright po'd. Even if you had a facebook page and sent out your own photos...they are your kids and she had no right to do it, even if she is their grandmother. It's not right. And if your husband won't say something then I think you have every right to.
Good luck!

 

[nunzia]

You sound like a nice MIL...can I trade my MIL for you?

I think our answers to the OP depend on our own very biased opinions. Unfortunately, I have a MIL that does not respect boundaries and there are little things she does that may seem insignificant in and of themselves, but when taken and piled on top of the other issues, may be the straw that broke the camel's back. I have had my MIL tell my son when he was 4 to shut up and threatened to spank him when he woke up from a nap and started crying because I wasn't home (I had just started back to work and she came over 1x a week to help out...until I found out she did that). She has made fun of his soccer skills when he wasn't a very good goalie (he was 5). There are other issues, but I finally drew the line when I told her every time she says/does something without thinking (see above examples) then there are ramifications. We never had her babysit again and we never invited her to watch my kids play sports. I told her this in an effort to enlighten her as to her bad behavior in hopes she would "see the light" and be able to spend time with our family. She then accused me of always hating her. That was the straw for me. It seems small, but given our background over the last 10 years, I just couldn't spend another second on her.

I do think the OP should be upset as (INMHO) her MIL clearly overstepped bounds and did something she *knew* her DIL did not appreciate. You sound like you respect your DILs and would never think to do something that you knew would peeve them.

Excellent point and I'm sure you're right..I do remember my HORRID MIL from over 30 years ago, and then my second MIL was wonderful..again, perception. I'm sorry so many of you have such awful people in your family..if I had a MIL who was cruel to my kids like some described are, I wouldn't allow contact at all..hopefully all of you young ones will remember and when YOU are the MIL be a good one

 

[dr&momto2boys]

Unless the cards included the information, "These are our grandchildren - Hazel (8) an Phineas (11) Gewürztraminer; they live at 123 Main Street in Alton, MO with their parents Ken and Barbie. They attend Alton Elementary School on Park Street, both are eager to please and are suckers for child abductors who claim to need help looking for lost puppies; and oh yes! The family's emergency code word is Budapest.", no, you shouldn't be annoyed.

Agree. Posting on FB versus sending Christmas cards to people she knows is a lot different. If she had asked you, would you have let her? If not, then mention to her that you understand and appreciate that she wants to share "her grandchildren" with the world, but that you are not comfortable with it. If she does it again, THEN be very annoyed!

 

[leebee]

I think it's kind of odd that grandparents would make photo greeting cards of their grandkids without checking with the parents first, and especially so if the MIL knows how the parents feel about public photos of their kids. It just strikes me as peculiar that you'd send out pictures of other people's children, regardless of how you are related to them.

In today's world, you can't do anything with a kid, even if it's a relative, without the parents' permission. Can't pick up a kid at school without a permission note, can't post a kid's photo in school or in a newsletter, etc., without a release... at our school, parents have to send in a permission slip for a child to be in a class photo or team photo or sign a release with the school stating that it's possible that the child may end up in a photo and if this isn't good, sign on the dotted line and we'll make sure the child isn't included in groups where there might be photos. (Of course, I also think it's odd that any adult can take out an insurance policy on whomever they choose, without needing that person's permission, but that's only indirectly related to the situation at hand.)

OP, I would recommend DH talk with his mother to let her know that you (and I mean BOTH of you, as in "we" not "you the mom") don't appreciate having your kids' pictures sent out and that if she's considering doing it again, please ask you first. Not sure that it'll do much good (I have a FIL who has no respect for boundaries or me, so I hear ya) but at least you have made your point clear. Then, if she does it again next year, you'll KNOW it was to intentionally push your buttons!

 

[tomthebarncat]

I moved to Beijing,China and have not heard from my spouse's family at all. I have emailed all of them and they could care less. As you can see I am not even worthy of a return email!! good luck!