Shooting the messenger

[cabanafrau]

Hm... I guess next time since she hates talking on the phone, I'll just drive 5 hours each way?

To be frank this sounds like some passive aggressive drivel a petulant teen would respond with. Do you mean to say that if you called your friend on the phone and said, I really need to talk with you, she would refuse? This is the type of situation where that kind of action is called for if you're going to delve into this subject.

Speaking of delving into subjects, I will say I do not buy your version of how you came about the information either -- wanted her to tell you something that would make you like him, or hate him less? Nope. You didn't like him. Maybe rightfully so. You wanted him gone. You dug for dirt. You got dirty. Now you may have lost a friend.

 

[Hannathy]

I guess I'll be the lone one, but I would thank you

sorry but if a guy I'm thinking of getting involved with is a lieing player then I want to know! Why wait till she gets all involved with the scum? seriously why?

I guess I'm very logical and like all the facts before I make any decisions and dating someone is a decision. Would you encourage her to not tell her friend if she knew he was a drug addict? or a felon? or had a gambling problem?

I also don't think texting it is a problem, and the friend has already said this is her preferred method of communication..

I would not consider myself a good friend if I knew something about a guy my friend was getting interested in and didn't tell them.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

OP since you provided the additional details, I can understand why your friend is upset.

Just let this blow over and apologize would be my advice.

In the future, only tell someone if they ask or you actually see for yourself that a good friend's partner is cheating with your own eyes. Never rely on gossip.

 

[lacrosse_lady72]

To be frank this sounds like some passive aggressive drivel a petulant teen would respond with. Do you mean to say that if you called your friend on the phone and said, I really need to talk with you, she would refuse? This is the type of situation where that kind of action is called for if you're going to delve into this subject. Speaking of delving into subjects, I will say I do not buy your version of how you came about the information either -- wanted her to tell you something that would make you like him, or hate him less? Nope. You didn't like him. Maybe rightfully so. You wanted him gone. You dug for dirt. You got dirty. Now you may have lost a friend.

She probably wouldn't answer. I'm not sure why this is hard to understand that SHE PREFERS TO TEXT. EVERYTHING. I'm going with HER preferences.

This is how the conversation went: well paraphrased of course because I didn't record it.

First we were talking about the drinks we were drinking.
Me: do you know Austin Lastname?
Girl: yeah...
Me: do you like him?
Girl: um yeah... I'm seeing him.

I didn't like him because of what my friend was telling me that he'd do or say, and because of what she would tweet about him. But I've only met him once while visiting her in November, and only for a split second. He more or less had a blank slate with me, I was just trying to get someone else's opinion because I was only getting what she would say.

 

[lacrosse_lady72]

I guess I'll be the lone one, but I would thank you sorry but if a guy I'm thinking of getting involved with is a lieing player then I want to know! Why wait till she gets all involved with the scum? seriously why? I guess I'm very logical and like all the facts before I make any decisions and dating someone is a decision. Would you encourage her to not tell her friend if she knew he was a drug addict? or a felon? or had a gambling problem? I also don't think texting it is a problem, and the friend has already said this is her preferred method of communication.. I would not consider myself a good friend if I knew something about a guy my friend was getting interested in and didn't tell them.

THANK YOU! I was beginning to think I was nuts because I would never forgive someone for NOT telling me.

 

[Metsfan520]

Hm... I guess next time since she hates talking on the phone, I'll just drive 5 hours each way?

Maybe that should have been a clue to not tell her. And I know you're going to feel like we're piling on here, but I've got to agree with almost everyone else - you should have stayed out of it. I prefer texting to phone calls, but this is the sort of stuff I really feel needs to be spoken rather than put in a text or an email. If I were your girlfriend, I don't think that getting a text like that would have been that great.

 

[msjprincess]

She probably wouldn't answer. I'm not sure why this is hard to understand that SHE PREFERS TO TEXT. EVERYTHING. I'm going with HER preferences.

This is how the conversation went: well paraphrased of course because I didn't record it.

First we were talking about the drinks we were drinking.
Me: do you know Austin Lastname?
Girl: yeah...
Me: do you like him?
Girl: um yeah... I'm seeing him.

I didn't like him because of what my friend was telling me that he'd do or say, and because of what she would tweet about him. But I've only met him once while visiting her in November, and only for a split second. He more or less had a blank slate with me, I was just trying to get someone else's opinion because I was only getting what she would say.

That's the "hardcore, undeniable evidence"?

 

[bellebud]

OP - after reading your 2nd explanation, I apologize for assuming they were married and you all were a bit older.

If I were your friend, I would have appreciated you telling me this info, even if it upset me.

In your situation, I probably would have said something. When my girlfriends and I were late teens, early 20's, we did tell each other these things.

I must say that I learned though, after a few times from different experiences, to not say anything, especially as we got older. Mainly because it never made a bit of difference in the relationship (they always stayed w/ the guy) and made things a bit uncomfortable w/ the girlfriends (which always fixed itself in the end, thank goodness).

Hope things end up ok w/ you and your friend.

 

[MrsDuck]

Hmm.. this is a toughie. I'd want a friend to tell me if they knew a guy I was almost dating was lying about seeing other women. That said, it's not REALLY cheating since they weren't technically together.

I would also want my friend to have the firsthand knowledge and try to delicately tell me about the situation - not necessarily present it as "fact!"

OP - I'd wait this out and let her figure out what she wants to do. I would contact her via text and say "I'm sorry to tell you. I just wanted you to know what I heard." and leave it at that. Don't tweet her about it/respond to her tweets about it/sub tweet.

 

[cabanafrau]

That's the "hardcore, undeniable evidence"?

Of sexual relations, including spring break, which was last week.

Her friend has been talking with, flirting and seeing this guy for several months. Relationship undefined as far as OP knows. Reportedly he's been claiming not to be seeing anyone else, but as far as we know no declaration of exclusivity even.

I wonder if she revealed her friend's relationship to the softball playing drinks mate who gave her the evidence? I'm guessing no, which would be curious since this person has enough of a relationship with him to actually be sleeping with him. I'd think that would rate her as deserving to be told also. But of course a face to face telling would be awkward.

 

[lacrosse_lady72]

That's the "hardcore, undeniable evidence"?

No, that's how it went from I just want to know who this guy is from someone else to finding out what was going on.

 

[Hannathy]

I am really curious why (for the people saying she shouldn't have told) you would want your friend to start dating or getting serious with a guy who lies to her? over some big thing. You would rather she get her heartbroken after she invests time and emotions into a relationship rather than not start it?

would you tell her if you knew he was a heavy drug user? or gambler?

To not tell her doesn't sound like what a friend would do to me.

 

[lacrosse_lady72]

OP - after reading your 2nd explanation, I apologize for assuming they were married and you all were a bit older. If I were your friend, I would have appreciated you telling me this info, even if it upset me. In your situation, I probably would have said something. When my girlfriends and I were late teens, early 20's, we did tell each other these things. I must say that I learned though, after a few times from different experiences, to not say anything, especially as we got older. Mainly because it never made a bit of difference in the relationship (they always stayed w/ the guy) and made things a bit uncomfortable w/ the girlfriends (which always fixed itself in the end, thank goodness). Hope things end up ok w/ you and your friend.

Thank you. I guess this just gets to be one of my experiences in learning not to say anything. But still, I'm really not sure I would not say anything, but I'd just be a little more sensitive.

 

[lacrosse_lady72]

Of sexual relations, including spring break, which was last week.

Her friend has been talking with, flirting and seeing this guy for several months. Relationship undefined as far as OP knows. Reportedly he's been claiming not to be seeing anyone else, but as far as we know no declaration of exclusivity even.

I wonder if she revealed her friend's relationship to the softball playing drinks mate who gave her the evidence? I'm guessing no, which would be curious since this person has enough of a relationship with him to actually be sleeping with him. I'd think that would rate her as deserving to be told also. But of course a face to face telling would be awkward.

She found out right then because I was needed to make sure it was him and she then was wondering why I was SO curious.

They were both having sex with him.

And if you read it all you'd see that I prefer in person, or calling, over texting. Sheesh. Get over the texting part already. It's a non issue for my friend and I.

 

[Robinrs]

Okay, I think I can answer everyone's questions. If I miss something, let me know.

First, it's 8 in the morning, I surprised I'm even up right now because I was up so late. That's why I haven't responded until now. Not everyone lives on the east coast.

Let's be clear, this isn't a married couple. It's a 21 year old and a 25 year old who are just in the very beginning stages of a relationship. I'm not 100% sure that they're even officially boyfriend and girlfriend. From what she had told me, they were in the grey area right before the labels of boyfriend and girlfriend are used. But, he's also been saying that he's single, hasn't done anything with anyone in a while, etc, during the first months that they've been talking because they've been doing this flirting, hanging out a lot, doing stuff type of thing since October. But the cheating is from as late as Spring Break, which was last week.

This is not an April Fools joke. I realized after that I had picked a bad day to do this.

Yes, a subtweet is a subliminal tweet. For example, she tweeted: "if this is an April Fools joke, I'm going to drive 5 hours to Hillsboro and punch you in the face." Sometimes there's paranoia in subtweeting but this isn't the case.

I would have subtweeted back, or just tweeted back at her, that what's I mean by always getting into trouble. Sometimes I don't know how to shut up and I don't want a twitter war.

The information came from a mutual friend I have through him who showed me that they have had sexual relations up until and through SB and were also flirting with the idea of a relationship. She didn't know my friend and had no idea about her, btw. I wasn't fishing for the information, I just asked her about him because they're from the same smallish town growing up and thought she could help me like him better. Or hate him less. I guess he likes softball players, they both play or played college softball. But he's a baseball player and they always all know each other.

How the message was delivered: We're 5 hours apart (she's at school, she's from here), she hates talking on the phone, and texting everything isn't a big deal for someone who's 21 (which I hate sometimes as someone who is 26 and used to not always having a texting phone, but that's just how it is now). I texted her the information and I know that method of delivery will be fine. Of course, I'd rather had done it in person, or call, but that's not the standard anymore.

In the text I sent her, I told her that I was just giving you the information, and that I'm not going to care what she chooses to do with it. I told her if she decides to stay with him, I really don't care and that either way, I'm here. She knows I don't say things unless I mean them.

I'm allowed to be stressed out, too! I know it's nothing compared to how she's feeling but she isn't on here, I am. Just because she's not having a great time it doesn't mean I have to be just fine.

You lost me with the bolded info. This is about CHILDREN not grown committed adults. (Don't give me the THEY'RE ADULTS bs because I don't consider women to be women till 27 and men to be men until 35! )

I am really curious why (for the people saying she shouldn't have told) you would want your friend to start dating or getting serious with a guy who lies to her? over some big thing. You would rather she get her heartbroken after she invests time and emotions into a relationship rather than not start it?

would you tell her if you knew he was a heavy drug user? or gambler?

To not tell her doesn't sound like what a friend would do to me.

I know it sounds like common sense but some people find it insulting that someone knew before they did. It's painful enough to find out but knowing that your friend knows really hurts. I've also noticed that snakes show their snaky-ness sooner rather than later and she'll find out ON HER OWN. I got spit on enough time in the name of being a good friend to NEVER do it again.

lacrosse_lady: let your friends grow up and learn on their own. Stop worrying about it, it's done and over. Sub Tweets? What is this HIGH SCHOOL?

In the words of FROZEN "let it GO".

 

[aaarcher86]

I am really curious why (for the people saying she shouldn't have told) you would want your friend to start dating or getting serious with a guy who lies to her? over some big thing. You would rather she get her heartbroken after she invests time and emotions into a relationship rather than not start it? would you tell her if you knew he was a heavy drug user? or gambler? To not tell her doesn't sound like what a friend would do to me.

If someone's not exclusive they can date whoever they want. Doesn't mean they're lying about it, but they probably aren't parading it around.

If I'm not even at the boyfriend girlfriend stage, I can have sex with whoever I want. If they were exclusively dating it'd be different.

 

[NHdisneylover]

If someone's not exclusive they can date whoever they want. Doesn't mean they're lying about it, but they probably aren't parading it around.

If I'm not even at the boyfriend girlfriend stage, I can have sex with whoever I want. If they were exclusively dating it'd be different.

This

 

[Metsfan520]

If someone's not exclusive they can date whoever they want. Doesn't mean they're lying about it, but they probably aren't parading it around.

If I'm not even at the boyfriend girlfriend stage, I can have sex with whoever I want. If they were exclusively dating it'd be different.

Plus I don't know how reliable the source of the info is.

 

[mickeyboat]

If this was a good friend, I would probably have told her what I heard. I would not have said that I thought the guy was cheating on her, but I would have said that I heard he was dating someone else, especially if she was under the mistaken impression that he wasn't.

If a friend of mine heard something about a guy I was seeing, I would want her to tell me.

I also don't have a problem with texting the information, especially if that is how I normally communicate with someone. I text with my best friend all the time because we are usually too busy to talk on the phone (at work, kids in the room, waiting for a game, etc.).

 

[TLSnell1981]

Is this high school? I'd say, MYOB, unless you are asked for your $.02.